I'm Not Supposed To Love You Anymore
By:  Jaimie

We agreed that it was over
Now the lines have all been drawn
The vows we made began to fade
But now they’re gone
Put your pictures in a shoebox
And my gold ring in a drawer
I’m not supposed to love you anymore

Rachel sat on the bed they shared for the last two years, tears streaming down her face. She couldn’t believe it was really over. It seemed like only yesterday Chris carried her across the threshold to their new home to share as husband and wife, now today she would be signing the papers to end it all. All of her dreams of a family with Chris were shattered. Rachel wasn’t sure how things got this way. Things had been great the first year they were married. They were both so happy and in love. They seemed to be invincible. The day Rachel found out she was pregnant with their first child was the happiest day of their lives. Who could have known what would happen and that it would cause the slow deconstruction of their once strong marriage?

~*~*~Flashback~*~*~

“Rach, stop that.” Chris scolded as he walked into the kitchen to see his six month pregnant wife straining to move the dining room table.

“Don’t start with me Chris. I’ve been after you to move this table for weeks now. I’m tired of asking you.” she snapped back at him.

Chris instinctively flinched at her harsh tone. He wasn’t used to her sudden changes in her moods, that were an unfortunate part of pregnancy. He just shrugged it off and tried not to let it bother him too much, “I’ll move it now.”

Rachel continued to strain to move the heavy oak table where she wanted it, “NO! I will do it myself…..” her voice trailed off as her face suddenly paled. “Chris…..” she whispered.

“What is it Rachel?” Chris asked, suddenly becoming worried.

Rachel slowly began to walk towards him, stopping when she felt something warm begin to run down her shorts clad legs. She slowly reached down and touched it. As she brought her hand back up, it was covered with blood. “What’s happening…..” she whispered before collapsing to the floor.

“RACHEL!” Chris screamed as he ran to her side. He hugged her body to him, tears streaming down his face. “Please don’t die. Baby, please stay with me. I need you please….” He quickly ran to the phone to dial 911. Chris sat in the waiting room of the hospital for hours, waiting for information on Rachel’s condition. After two hours of pacing the floor he was finally able to talk to her doctor. Chris watched as he approached, his expression was completely blank. Chris’ heart sank, believing the worst had happened and he had lost Rachel and the baby.

“Mr. Kirkpatrick, I‘m Dr. McAllister” the doctor said as he approached.

“Yes, how is she? Is Rachel okay? Is our baby okay? Doctor please.” Chris pleaded with him, needing desparately to know what was going on.

Dr. McAllister sighed heavily before he began, “What was your wife doing before she started hemorrhaging?”

“She was trying to move our dining room table. I tried to stop her, but that’s when she collapsed….”

The doctor began to scribble on her chart, then he looked back up to meet Chris’ frightened brown eyes, “Mr. Kirkpatrick, your wife began to hemorrhage because she was doing something far too strenuous for someone as far along as she. The strain caused the hemorrhage, but we were fortunate enough to get to her before she lost too much blood. She will recover, but it will take a little time for her to get her strength back.”

Chris felt like he could finally breathe again, he smiled and hugged the doctor thankfully, “Thank you so much.”

“Mr. Kirkpatrick, that’s not all. We were able to save your wife, but I’m afraid it was impossible to save the baby.” he watched as Chris’ smile faded and tears began to stream down his face. “I’m sorry. When you’re ready, have the nurse take you to your wife’s room. Again, I am sorry for your loss.”

Chris collapsed to the floor with his face buried in his hands. It was all his fault. If he had moved the table like she wanted him to this would have never happened. Rachel wouldn’t be lying in this hospital fighting for her life, and our baby….our sweet innocent little baby wouldn’t be dead. Guilt like he had never felt before took over. How could he possibly face her after what he had caused? When Chris finally worked up the courage to see Rachel, he found her sitting up in bed, staring blankly out the window. Silent tears streamed down her still pale cheeks. She never turned to him, never said a word as he sat beside her and took her hand in his as he cried by her side. Rachel felt numb inside and so incredibly empty. She had no idea what she could do to fill that space inside her again.

~*~*~End Flashback~*~*~

Oh, I shouldn’t care or wonder where
And how you are
But I can’t hide this hurt inside my
Broken heart
I’m fighting back emotions that
I’ve never fought before
‘Cause I’m not supposed to love you anymore

From that day forward their relationship began to crumble down around them. They couldn’t talk to each other anymore, each one blaming themselves for what had happened to their baby. Never once did they discuss what had happened that day. Slowly they began to grow apart until they were like two strangers living separately.

Rachel looked down at the tiny gold band on her left hand as her tears continued to fall steadily down her cheeks. She slowly pulled it off, feeling as if she was removing yet another part of herself. Pretty soon there wouldn’t be anything left of her anymore. She softly placed it in the top drawer of her jewelry box before making her way back to the bed. Mountains of pictures were all over the bed. Pictures of them right after they met, during their courtship, their engagement, their wedding, and the months leading up to that terrible day that tore them apart. She took them an placed them in a shoe box, closing it up tightly before placing it in top of the closet. Rachel walked over to the desk and stared down at the papers lying atop it. She didn’t think it was possible, but her heart broke even more as she sat down and prepared to sign away her happiness. She didn’t bother to read any of it, unable to bear the cold way the papers described their marriage. Rachel quickly signed her name, then set them aside. She knew someone would be by tomorrow to pick them up for Chris to sign.

Now I’m writing you this letter
And it’s killing me tonight
That I agreed when you believed
It wasn’t right
And I couldn’t sleep up on the bed
So I’m down here on the floor
Where I’m not supposed to love you anymore

Rachel knew this was the end of everything she believed in, so she decided to write Chris a letter to tell him exactly what she had never been able to say since they lost their child.

 

Chris~

I sit here at your desk writing you this letter as tears stream down my cheeks. I never believed this day would come. I thought we would be forever, but I guess I know who’s to blame for our marriage falling apart. I’m so sorry I wasn’t the wife you deserved. My stupidity caused us the loss of our child, and now I’m paying the ultimate price. I’m losing the one man I will ever love. I know I agreed to end our marriage, but please know it wasn’t because I don’t love you anymore. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. It was because I felt like I had failed you as a wife….and a mother to your child. I hope you find what you were meant for in this life. It breaks my heart to know it wasn’t me. You’ll always have my heart, till the day I die.

 

Always,
Rachel

Tears continued to fall down Rachel’s cheeks as she sealed her envelope and left it was the papers she had just signed. She stared at their cold, empty bed and suddenly realized she wouldn’t be able to sleep in it any longer. Chris wasn’t there to keep her warm anymore. She took her pillow and blanket and laid down on the floor on Chris’ side of the bed and cried herself to sleep.

Oh I shouldn’t care or wonder where
And how you are
And I can’t hide this hurt inside
My broken heart
I’m fighting back emotions that
I’ve never fought before
‘Cause I’m not supposed to love you anymore

Chris’ hands trembled as he stared down at the papers in his hands. This was it, he was going to end the marriage he thought would last forever. He noticed a small cream colored envelope came with the papers. He immediately recognized the handwriting. Slowly he began to read her words. Tears began to stream down his cheeks as he read her heartbreaking words. Suddenly it all became clear. He knew why their marriage had fallen apart. They had both blamed themselves for the death of their child, yet neither were to blame. They kept their feelings bottled up inside each other for so long, neither knew what to do. The only logical step they knew of was to end their suffering by ending their marriage. Yet, somehow Chris knew that wouldn’t solve the problem. He quickly grabbed his jacket and headed towards their house. He used his key to let himself in and found her packing her things in their bedroom. She was startled when he came in, with the divorce papers in one hand and her letter in the other.

“Chris, what are you doing here?” she asked, unable to meet his gaze.

“We need to talk.”

“What is there to talk about?”

“This letter for one.”

“I was upset when I wrote that letter last night Chris. Can’t you forget I wrote it?”

“I can’t forget it anymore than you can forget why you wrote it. I know why our marriage fell apart Rach.”

It wasn’t until then that she met his gaze, “Why’s that?”

“We both blamed ourselves for the loss of our baby.”

Rachel’s eyes began to tear again, “It was my fault Chris not yours.”

“No Rachel. It wasn’t either of our faults. If we had just talked about this before, things wouldn’t have gotten this far. I truly believe that. I love you Rachel. I don’t want us to end.” Chris took her hands in his. “Tell me there’s still a chance for us.”

“You still want to be with me?” Rachel asked, trying hard to believe what Chris was saying.

“I love you Rachel. I’ll never love anyone the way I love you. I married you till death do us part. I want to keep my vow. Do you?”

Rachel collapsed into his arms, hugging him tightly to her chest, “I do. I do.” She kept repeating her vows over and over until he finally silenced her by bringing his lips down to hers.

I’m fighting back emotions that
I’ve never fought before
‘Cause I’m not supposed to love you….anymore

 

The End

 

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