I'll Be Your King

by: Mary

copyright 1998

<There are questions in our hearts

That time can only answer>

Mary sat at the window seat in her bedroom looking out over the night city life below her. Her heart was in such turmoil and she didn't know how to heal the pain that had been put there. Hugging her notebook to her chest, she tried to make herself concentrate on her work, but for the life of her she couldn't. The words just wouldn't come to her. She was a writer and was supposed to be able to write anything at the drop of a dime but for once the words just wouldn't come. She wasn't use to this. Usually pain was what brought on some of her best writing streaks but this time the pain went too deep. This time even a broken heart couldn't help her. The questions and doubts running through her heart stopped her from being able to concentrate on anything else.

Joe had promised to never hurt her and to make all of her wishes come true. He had kept his promise for so long and then all at once the perfect world around them crumbled. He had said that he needed more space and that they needed to see other people and see where their hearts led them. It had all sounded like an easy way for him to get out of all of the promises he had made her she thought. He just didn't love her anymore and didn't want to tell her. She had agreed with him though and hadn't put up much of a fight to keep him. Why? Mary still didn't know why. Maybe because deep down she knew that she'd never be able to keep a man like Joe McIntyre interested in her for longer than two seconds, if that long, anyhow. The time that they had shared together, although incredibly short, was more than she had thought she'd ever get with him and so she could live with that and move on, couldn't she? It all seemed so easy to say but it was so hard to actually do. She wished that she could go back in time and change whatever had happened to make him stop loving her. There had to be one thing that could be reversed and then she could have him back in her life.

<What did I do to make you feel this way?

All the clouds from my heart bringing rain in your days>

"McIntyre, get out of here and go home to your woman," Donnie told him.

"There's no one to go home to," Joe answered. He leaned back in his seat, his eyes had a vacant look and Donnie wondered what had his friend so down.

"What do you mean there's no one? Did you forget about your girlfriend? Mary, remember?"

"I broke up with her," Joe told him. His voice was monotone and Donnie so couldn't read him.

"Why did you go and do a dumb ass thing like that?" Donnie exclaimed. "You love her, I know you do."

"I do love her but it wasn't enough, Don." Joe wasn't looking at his friend as he said the words but the pain was creeping into his voice.

"Huh? What do you mean it's not enough? Love is all you need, Joe."

Joe's baby blues clouded over. "No, love is important but you need more than that to make a relationship work. We needed more or she did. Donnie, I'm not good enough for her. I mean look at her! I have been through so much and she's so perfect and untouched. I'm afraid that I'm going to get her dirty if I touch her! I can't handle all that perfection." Joe ran a hand over his face in frustration. He didn't know what to do. He loved her but he didn't want to bring her down and he was afraid that was exactly what he was doing.

<trying to mend broken hearts....>

"Okay, come on, Mar," Steph said, pulling her friend out of her apartment.

"Steph, I don't want to go," Mary protested. "I have too much to do and I'm behind on my deadlines and this next story has to be done by the end of the month and I still have over half of it to do and.."

Steph cut her off, "Stop stalling and just come on. You haven't been out of here since God knows when and I'm tired of you moping around. It's not solving anything."

After a few more minutes of Mary complaining, Steph got her out of the building and down to the street. "Come on the walk will do you good," Steph told her.

"Where are we going?" Mary asked. She was following a few steps behind her friend and pulling her coat tighter against her. Boston winters kept getting colder and colder every year.

"You'll see," Steph called over her shoulder. "Hurry up and keep up!"

Mary grumbled under her breath and Steph had to hold back her smile. As much as Mary was protesting about the whole thing, she knew her friend was thankful to be getting out. She knew her well and knew that she hid emotions well and wanted someone to come and kinda take care of her until she could get this figured out. Joe had really hurt her and it was going to take a while for her to get over that pain.

"Okay here we are," Steph announced, stopping in front of another apartment building.

Mary looked up at it and groaned, "Jen's in on this too?"

"Uh huh," Steph answered. "Come on, we're late."

"Late?" Mary questioned, as she let Steph drag her into the building.

Jen threw open her door as the girls stepped off the elevator, "You're late."

"I know. Sorry, but Mary took some persuading to get her to leave her hiding place."

Mary glared at Steph but didn't say anything. "What the hell are you both talking about? Late for what?!"

"Michael here?" Steph asked, ignoring her.

"Yeah, he's in the kitchen," Jen answered, ushering her two friends in the door.

"Michael?" Mary was beginning to get irritated that no one would fill her in on what was going on. "Will someone tell me what the hell is going on?!"

Steph gave a small glance in Mary's direction before disappearing into the kitchen.

"So how are you, Mar?" Jen asked, sitting down on the couch.

"Oh, so now you notice I'm here," Mary replied.

Jen smiled, "Anyhow, how are you?"

"Just dandy," she answered, the sarcasm dripping in her voice. It was bad enough that Joe had trampled on her heart and now her friends were playing games with her.

"Hi Mary," Michael said, coming out of the kitchen with Steph close behind.

She gave him a small smile and returned to her pouting.

Steph and Jen exchanged amused glances. Mary was either going to love them for this or hate them. It was either one extreme or the other. They hoped that it was worth the gamble.

"Okay, we're running late and so let's getting moving," Michael said, taking Jen's hand.

"Late for WHAT!?" Mary exclaimed. She hated not knowing what was going on. The feeling of not having control over what was going on bugged the hell out of her. All three of them ignored her and headed for the door. "Okay, fine! Don't tell me but I refuse to move until I know where we are going and so just go without me." She could be stubborn as hell when she wanted to be.

"That's fine, you don't have to move," Jen said. She gave Michael a look and he grinned.

"Good cause if you all can't tell me where we are going, I refuse to—DAMMIT MICHAEL PUT ME DOWN!" Mary squirmed trying to get him to release her but he was a hell of a lot stronger than she was.

"Mary, just stop being so damn stubborn and come with us. You know we are only trying to help you," Steph told her.

"Okay fine, put me down and I'll go but I don't have to be happy about it." Jen, Michael, and Steph grinned. "That's all we ask."

<You're in my world

In my thoughts

In my dreams>

"What are we doing here?" Mary asked, looking around at the run down building.

"Well, we thought that you might want to come with us to Michael's recording session today," Jen told her.

"Oh," Mary's face lit up. Her friends grinned. They knew that she loved being involved in seeing the music come to life. Then as fast as she had lit up, her face fell. "I went with Joe once to one of his sessions."

Jen and Steph exchanged looks. Was this such a good idea now? They had thought it might help her but the look on her face when she mentioned Joe tore at their hearts.

"Okay ladies," Michael held the door open for them, "let's get busy. I have to get that track done today because he can only he here today. You know how busy J--" Jen gave him a dirty look and shook her head.

"How busy who is?" Mary asked.

"Uh, nobody," Michael answered, avoiding further questions by disappering into a room to the left of them.

"Come on, we'll go on back to where Michael will be working today," Jen said, taking charge and leading the way down the hall. Jen stopped infront of the last door at the end of the hall and just as she went to open it, it was opened for her.

Mary had to hold back her reaction when she seen Joe step out. What was he doing here? Mary looked from Jen to Steph and could tell from their expressions that they had known all along that Joe was going to be there. Mary looked from Jen to Steph and could tell from their expressions that they had known all along that Joe was going to be there. How could her friends had led her into this without asking her how she felt about it first? Joe had dumped her and so now he was going to think that she was chasing him. She SO didn't need him thinking that. It would kill her pride and what little self-confidense she had gotten back.

Joe didn't know what to think seeing Mary standing there. The hurt and confusion was quickly masked on her face with a fake smile but he could see through it. She was trying to hard to not let him see her pain and it hurt him to know that he had did that to her.

"Joe," Michael's voice broke the silence that had developed as soon as Joe had appeared on the other side of that door.

"How's it goin' Michael?" Joe tried to hid his reaction to seeing her with a cheerful

tone. Why had Michael brought Mary there? He knew that Jen and Steph were behind this but what had they said to make him go along with it? Joe took a glance and Jen and Michael and saw the looks that they were giving each other. He felt a pain in his heart. He had once had that and the woman was only about three feet away from him. Why had he given up one of the best things in his life? Joe had to stop and make himself remember all of his reasons. Standing here in front of her, all of his reasons disappeared. They all seemed so superficail and dumb now to him.

"Okay, well, let's get started," Michael and Jen walked into the studio, hand in hand and the rest of the group followed.

Mary positioned herself in the farthest chair away from Joe. She studied him as he and Michael talked about the sound that both wanted before beginning. He hadn't changed much in the last few weeks that they had been apart. Somehow she had expected him to look different but he didn't. She had needed him to look different. To have some flaw that would make him less desirable to her so that she could pick up and move on. Why did he have to be so damn perfect to her?

< Learning from time apart, trying to mend two broken hearts

How can pain feel so right and love be so wrong

I know you're crying but I can't reach out

I stand alone and I can't figure this out

I'm trying to make it so you'll understand

That I can be a king of a man >

Joe watched her out of the corner of his eye the entire time. He couldn't seem to make himself stop looking at her. He knew it was like playing with fire but he couldn't help himself. McIntyre, you had her best intensions in mind. So why did he feel so....so.. Joe couldn't descibe the way he felt. He knew that he hated seeing that look in her eyes and the way that she would look at him until she knew he knew she was watching him and then she'd look away. He wanted to go to her and hold her and take back all that he had told her before but he couldn't. She needed more than he had to give her and he knew it.

"Michael, come with me a minute, honey," Jen said, pulling him out the door with her. Giving him no choice but to follow.

"Okay, well, I guess we're on break right now then," Joe smiled. He looked from Mary to Steph and then back to Mary. He knew he had to say something to her but what?

"Hey guys, I'll be right back," Steph said, jumping up.

"Where are you going?" Mary wanted to know. She didn't want to be left in the room with Joe alone.

"Jordan just paged," Steph answered, heading out the door.

Great, now what? Mary hadn't planned on getting stuck alone with Joe. How was she going to handle this?

Joe knew he had to say something to her. What he didn't know but he had to say something. "How have you been?"

How had she been?! She had been through hell the last few weeks and right now wasn't much better. "Good and you?" She could stick to polite conversation as well as he could.

"Good," Joe answered. He had so many things to say to her and he had nothing to say to her. He could remember times when they had talked for hours on end and never been at a loss for words. What had happened to that? Had it really all ended? Their friendship along with their romance? He hadn't thought about what the loss of her friendship would mean to him until now. The thought killed him.

Why are we struggling for words with each other? Mary missed the closeness that they had once shared. She had never felt that type of connection with anyone before. Joe had felt it too. She knew that he had. So why had he called it all off?

Joe ran a hand through his beautiful curls in frustration. He looked at her a few moments before voicing his thoughts. "Mar, why is this so hard?"

"What do you mean?" She knew what he meant. Hell, she had been wondering the exact same thing herself. Maybe this was how it was always going to be between them now. This feeling of thick tension and jangled nerves.

Joe met her eyes, "I mean.....Mary, have we lost everything now? The closeness? The friendship? I mean we use to could talk to each other for hours and never have a silent moment and look at us now. We haven't seen each other in weeks and we can't come up with three words to say to each other."

She took a deep breath before answering him. "Joe, you're the one who decided that a long time ago. I had no say in what happened, remember? You told me exactly how you felt that day. You didn't love me and never had." Mary's eyes filled with her tears. "Even friends love each other, Joe. And so if you don't care for me, I guess you have you answer to your question. It was your decision. Learn to live with the choices you make."

"But what if it was the wrong choice?" Joe mumbled before the door opened and Jen and Michael came back in. Joe looked over at Mary to see if she had heard him. Her face was unreadable.

"Hey, guys, we're going to meet the rest of the gang at the cafe down the street here," Jen told them. The rest of the gang being Jordan, Amy and Donnie. So that meant that Mary and Joe would be surrounded by happy couples. Could either of them handle that? They were going to have to learn quick if they couldn't cause Jen and Michael didn't wait for an answer from either of them before leaving and expecting them to follow.

Mary and Joe both mumbled a few choice words on being thrown into this situation, but both followed their friends out the door. How bad could it be, right?

"AMY!" Jen exclaimed, when she seen her friend.

Amy grinend as her group of friends took seats around the table. As hard as Joe and Mary tried to not sit by each other, it worked out that way anyhow. Both sat rigid, afraid to touch the other.

Amy noticed how uncomfortable they seemed to be around each other and tried to ease the tension. "How's the recording going?"

"Great! We're actually going to finish this track today," Michael was beaming.

"Are we going to get a sneak peak?"

Mary found herself toning out the conversation. She took in the three couples around her and had to hold back her tears. She had once had that and been that happy. She noticed Donnie's arm around the back of Amy's chair and how Jordan kept leaning over and whispering something in Steph's ear that kept her smiling. The looks passing between Jen and Michael didn't excape her notice either. Seeing her friends so happy depressed the hell out of her.

Then she felt bad for resenting their happiness. She should have been happy for them. It had all been great before when she and Joe had been together. They had each had someone then. Even now it would have been okay if only Joe wasn't so damn close to her. Mary could feel his knees bump into hers when he shifted in his chair. She kept remembering how it felt to have Joe's strong but gentle hand holding hers and how his kisses had always made her feel so special and deeply needed and wanted. Mary took a chance and looked in Joe's direction. His gaze jumped from where he had been looking at her to across the cafe and out the window. Why was he acting so strange? She knew that he didn't want to be there. Why didn't he just leave? What was making him sit there and go through the same thing she was? No, Mary, remember he doesn't love you anymore and so this isn't painful or uncomfortable to him. Tears stung her eyes as that thought hit her. Why was the truth always so painful?

Joe didn't know why he was sitting there watching all of his friends so happy and he was miserable. Mary was only a few inches away but it may as well have been miles. Being so close to her was making him second guess himself and his decision about their relationship. He had to stop himself twice from taking her hand in his. It would have been so easy to try and slip back into the past and go back to the way that they once had been but he couldn't. He knew deep down that he had did the right thing. But he still couldn't shake the feeling that he had lost the best thing in his life. Joe's fear of them growing so close so soon had scared the hell out of him. So he did the only thing he had thought he could. He had gotten out.

"How could you guys do that to me?" Mary exclaimed, as soon as all of the girls had entered her apartment. "I mean didn't any of you think about how I might feel about seeing him again?"

"You can't keep hiding, Mar," Amy told her. "I know that you love him and that he hurt you badly but you have to stop wallowing in your misery."

"I'm not," Mary protested.

Steph and Jen gave her looks that said that they knew better.

"He still loves you, you know," Amy said, sitting down next to Mary on the couch.

"No, he doesn't, Ames. He told me that he didn't love me and never had." Her voice caught with the end of her sentence.

"Yes, he does," Amy insisted.

"Why would you think that?" Mary asked the question but she already knew the answer. Her friends were trying to say things to make her feel better. Although it was a nice thought, it was only going to end up hurting her to give her false hopes like this.

"Two reasons," Amy started. "One being, I was at lunch today. Mary, anyone looking at him can see how much he loves you."

"Amy's right, Mar, he loves you. It was written all over his face today," Steph put in, sitting on the other side of Mary on the couch.

The doubt on Mary's face didn't escape her friends notice.

"Tell her reason number two," Jen said.

Mary looked at Amy expectantly. She was getting her hopes up and she knew it. This was so wrong to do but she couldn't help herself. She loved him so much and even the small possibility that he loved her gave her new hope. Hope that would probably leave her crushed in the end but she couldn't worry about that now.

"Joe went and talked to Donnie not too long after your breakup."

"And?" Mary asked.

"And he loves you. He's afraid and that's why he ran." Amy watched Mary's face as she took in what she had just been told. Her emotions all ran across her face. Confusion, hurt, anger and then her face was left unreadable.

"Afraid of what?"

"What are we all afraid of in relationships? Being hurt...not being what the other person needs... not being good enough somehow...."

"And he didn't think that I was afraid too?!" Mary exclaimed. She jumped up and started pacing the room. "He was my first everything...and he knew this! I'd never been that close to anyone before and he promised me that he'd never break my heart or hurt me. He promised..." She was still pacing the room and ranting and raving. Somehow yelling at her friends helped ease all the tension that the day had held for her. She knew she was placing her anger in the wrong place but she knew that her friends would understand that she needed to get this all out. She needed to let go of all of this pain and hurt before she exploded.

"I promised a lot of things, Mar, I know. I'm sorry."

"Oh my God," Mary gasped, before running down the hall to her room.

"Damnit, Joe! Don't you know how to knock?" Jen yelled at him before following the path Mary had just taken to her room. Joe gave a helpless look in her direction before looking at Steph and Amy's curious faces.

"What are you doing here, Joe?" Steph asked.

"I had to see her. I had to fix the mess that I made." Joe's blue eyes clouded over as he tried to remember the speech he had made on his way over to see Mary. He had to tell her what was in his heart now and that day he had broken hers. Maybe he could make her understand why he had did what he had and why he was doing what he was doing now. Joe ran his hand over his face before focusing back on Steph and Amy. "I want to make things right. I want to...." Joe didn't know how to explain. If he couldn't tell Amy and Steph what he wanted, how could he tell Mary and make her understand where he was coming from?

< I'm scared when I hear your voice cause it's been so long

But I don't wanna look back and say

What if we tried

Could we have had a better day

And I'm trying to make you understand

That I can be a king of a man >

"Oh my God, Jen, he heard everything!" Mary didn't know what to do now. Joe knew now just how badly he had hurt her and she didn't want him knowing that much. Now he had a leverage over her and she didn't like the idea at all. It made her feel trapped. "What do I do now?"

"Talk to him," Jen answered. She turned toward the door.

"Where are you going?" Mary asked.

"To get Joe. You are both going to talk this out. You'll both feel better once you do."

"NO! Jen, no, I can't." Mary's eyes pleaded with her.

"Yes, you can," she answered, stepping out in the hall and almost running Joe over in the process. Jen put her hand on his arm, "Talk to her but if you hurt her more than she already is, I'll end your ability to have children." Jen smiled at him and headed back to the living room.

Joe looked at Mary's closed door. He knew he had to go in there and straighten out all the misunderstandings and pain but he didn't know how. Just do it, McIntyre! Joe held his breath and opened her door.

Joe walked into Mary's room and seen her standing by her window looking out. He knew that he had to talk to her and he knew what he had to say. The only thing that he was unsure of was how to say it. His eyes studied her as he walked up behind her. Mary's arms were crossed hugging herself. It looked almost like she was trying to block out the pain that he had caused her. Joe wished that she would turn around and look at him but she didn't.

"I'm sorry," Joe said softly. He waited for a response from her but didn't get one. Keep goin, McIntyre, tell her what's in your heart. "Mary, I want to tell you why I did what I did. "Please, I want you to understand."

< And I'm trying my best to make you understand

That I can be a king of a man >

Mary turned slowly and looked at him. She could see the pain and stress on his face. It hurt her to see him like that but she was hurting too. She didn't know if she could stay there and hear what he had to say. If the look on his face was any indication, she wasn't going to like what he was going to say. "Joe, can't we just leave well enough alone? I mean it's obvious that you aren't going to change your mind and even if you did, I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk the heartbreak again."

"Are you done?" he asked. Although her little speech had taken some of his courage away, he still had to tell her what he had come to say.

Mary nodded and Joe motioned toward the chair. She sat down and watched him as he paced the room before sitting on the edge of the bed. His blue eyes seemed to burn into her soul when he looked at her. She could remember all the times when she had gotten lost in those eyes and lost in him. He had always had a way of making her feel like they were the only two people in the universe. She wanted that feeling back. She wanted to go back to starting each of her days with him waking up next to her.

"I wish I knew how to say this," Joe started. "I guess I should expect this to be hard considering I couldn't tell you before either." Joe paused getting his thoughts together. "Mary, I loved you so much and things were going....well, things were great too."

"I know things were perfect, Joe."

"But see that's just it! Things were too perfect. You're too perfect. Mary, I've been through so much with life on the road all those years and different things....I'm not good enough for you. It was time that I stopped fooling myself into thinking that you could really be truly happy with me. It was--"

"Joseph Mulery McIntyre, how dare you think that you're not 'good enough', as you put it, for me!" Mary was furious. "I loved you, Joe! I loved you so much and you broke my heart with you told me that you never cared about me." Her tears sparkled in her eyes.

"I lied. I cared a little too much maybe. I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry. Do you think that we still have a chance?" Joe watched the different emotions flicker across her face. He could tell that she wanted to but something was holding her back.

"I want to, Joe, but I don't want to be hurt again. Damnit, Joe, I loved you so much and still do but I don't want us to get back together and they you get scared again and turn and run. I couldn't handle it if that happened to me again."

< Scars of pain and loss write our book of love

I look into your eyes to read

I touch your face to feel it bleed the truth

And to dry up all the rain >

Her tears fell silently down her cheeks. Joe slid off the bed and kneeled down in front of her. He wanted to touch her but didn't know if Mary would welcome that or not. What the hell, McIntyre! Joe brought his hand up to her face and brushed her tears away. Her eyes searched his, trying to find something in them to reassure her.

"I won't run again, Mary, I promise you that." Joe needed her to believe him and believe in him. He could see her having the war in her head. She wanted to, he knew she did.

"I just don't know. I want to but...." she trailed off. "I can't get hurt again, Joe."

"I'll never hurt you again, Mary. I love you so much. Give me a chance, please. Sweetie, I'm begging and you know how much it kills me to do that but I am for you....baby, please."

Mary looked into his eyes and could see the tears in them. She wanted to believe that it could be that simple. That she could take him back and things would be okay but would they? He had hurt her so much and she couldn't take that kind of pain again.

"I'm sorry, Joe," Mary shook her head, the pain in her eyes.

"Sorry?" Joe's heart sank.

"I need time to think. Time to figure all of this out."

Joe took that in. "Okay, how much time?"

"I don't know, Joe. I don't know."

Joe ran his hands through his hair. He didn't know what to say. Although he had known this wouldn't be easy, he didn't think that she wouldn't NOT give him an answer. She was going to think about it though and so that gave him hope. Joe could wait for her answer, couldn't he? It wasn't like you have a choice, McIntyre. He was going to have to wait and see what she decided.

"What am I going to do?" Mary was pacing the room and had three sets of eyes on her.

"What do you want to do?" Steph asked her.

"I don't know!" Mary hadn't known what to think when Joe had come to her like that. It had freaked her out and made her happy all at the same time. She knew that she wanted him in her life but she didn't know if she could risk the heartbreak again. "I mean I love him so much but I can't get hurt again."

"Did you tell him that?" Amy was watching her friend pace the room. She looked like she felt caged or trapped. None of them had seen Mary like that before. She rarely got worked up over things. She kept her reactions hidden and only showed them when things were REALLY bothering her. They all knew that this thing with Joe had her going crazy. They hoped that she wouldn't do anything that she would regret later.

"I told him," she answered.

"And what did Joe say?" Jen asked.

"He said that he'd never hurt me again but he promised to never hurt me before and look what happened!" Mary sank down in a chair looking defeated. "I have no clue what to do you guys. I love him but....."

"Did you talk to Mary?" Jordan asked, when he seen Joe enter the door.

Joe nodded, grabbing a pool stick and racking the balls.

"And?" Donnie prodded him.

"And I'm here and not there aren't I?" Joe snapped. He broke the balls with a hard snap and Jordan, Donnie and Michael jumped at the sound.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, Joe. I thought that she would give you another chance from the way she kept looking at you in the studio and then at lunch today," Michael told him.

"Can we just not talk about Mary while I'm here please?" Joe told them. His eyes had a determined set to them and his friends knew that they should drop the subject but their curiosity kept them from doing what their better judgment told them to.

"What did she tell you, Joe?" Donnie asked him.

"Wahlberg, I thought I just said that I don't want to talk about it! Did I stutter or something?" Joe was looking for a way to get his anger and frustration out. The drive from Mary's to the pool hall had given him plenty of time to think and over analyze everything. He had convinced himself that she was never going to come back to him and that she had lied when she had told him that she loved him. Joe was kidding himself to think otherwise. Why would she love him? Hadn't he already figured out that he wasn't good enough for her? He was sure that by now she had come to the same conclusion and was moving on with her life. A life that didn't include him in it.

"You know, McIntyre, I know that your probably hurting right now but you don't take your anger out on us, okay?" Donnie gave him a sharp look but Joe shugged it off. He picked up a beer glass that was on the side of the pool table and downed it before taking aim for his next shot. Donnie shot a concerned look in Jordan and Michael's direction before letting the topic drop for the night and getting on with the pool game.

"Mary, can we come in?"

She looked through the peep hole on her door and seen Jordan and Donnie on the other side. She opened the door and let them enter. "Steph and Amy aren't here. I haven't seen them in a couple days."

"We aren't looking for Amy or Steph," Donnie said.

"Can we talk to you about Joe?" Jordan asked.

Mary got the guarded look on her face that she got every time Joe was brought up lately. Her expression registered with Jordan and Donnie. She was still hurting pretty badly they realized.

"Joe finally told us what went on when he came here. Mar, it's been three weeks since you both talked. Don't you think that you're dragging this out a little too long? Joe doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep, he rarely gets out of his house anymore. He's so sure that if he leaves, you'll call and he'll miss his one and only chance."

"You don't think that this is hard on me too?" Mary asked them. "I can't think of anything else! I want to go back to him and have things be okay again but I have no proof or guarantees that things will be okay. I can't risk a broken heart again. I just need time to figure out how to know what to do."

"No one's rushing you, Mary, but you have to know that even though Joe loves you he isn't going to wait around forever. You both are going to lose a good thing if you keep going at the rate you are," Jordan said.

"What the hell do you mean by that? Are you saying that if I don't decide soon, it's my fault if we don't work out!" Mary was upset. Maybe she had a reason to be and maybe she didn't but she was pissed anyway. Donnie shot Jordan a dirty look but he just shrugged. "Just get out both of you, please. I don't need this right now."

"I'm sure Jordan didn't mean that the way it sounded," Donnie tried to say.

Mary wasn't hearing it. She shook her head, "It doesn't matter. Please, just go."

Donnie and Jordan both exchanged looks before getting up and leaving. Once out in the hall, Donnie smacked Jordan on the back of the head.

"What was that for?!" Jordan exclaimed.

"What the hell were you thinking back there? You made it sound like it's all her fault!" Donnie couldn't understand his friends thinking.

"I thought it might help her see what's right in front of her if she's scared she might lose him." Jordan didn't think that he had did anything wrong.

"Well, I hope you just didn't make things worse or Joe will be all over you ass if he loses her." Donnie walked toward the elevator and a silent Jordan followed.

Mary took a deep breath before getting out of her car and walking up to Joe's door. It had been a week since Jordan and Donnie had come and seen her. Although Jordan's words had made her angry then, they were also the reason she was outside Joe's house now. The snow fell softly to the ground around her as she slowly edged toward the door. She really wasn't sure what she was going to tell him. The only thought that kept running through her mind was that she couldn't lose him. The last month had given her time to realize that whatever pain that was in the future for either of them would be worth it if only they went through it together. She rang the doorbell and waited to start the rest of her life if only it wasn't too late.

Joe opened the door and was shocked and thrilled to see Mary on the other side. He hadn't saw her since their talk in her room and he has missed her so much. She pulled her coat tighter around her to block out the cold breeze and Joe finally found his voice and told her to come in.

Mary looked at him taking in his appearance. His sweats and T-shirt were wrinkled and it looked like he had been living in them for a couple days. His once bright blue eyes had shadows under them and he was thinner than she remembered. Was all of this because of her? Mary shook the thought from her head. It hurt too much to think that Joe had did this to himself because of her. "I had to talk to you," she finally said.

Joe nodded and led her to the den. She entered behind him and watched him walk over to the fireplace and work to get a fire going to warm the room up. It was more of a habit with him than anything else and Mary smiled at the familiarity of his action. That was always the first thing that he did when he went into that room. It was comforting in a way to have him still doing the same things he always had.

Looking around the room, Mary tried to get the courage to tell him what she had come to say. The familiar surroundings helped to ease her nerves a little but not much.

Joe turned and looked at her. "This is a Kodak moment," he smiled.

"Huh?" Mary looked at him confused.

"You with nothing to say is rare," Joe chuckled.

Okay this is good, he's making jokes. Dumb jokes but jokes nonetheless. It's now or never, she told herself. Taking a deep breath and trying to make herself relax, Mary got her thoughts together. She had to tell him this or she'd always wonder what might have happened had they tried.

< But I don't wanna look back and say

What if we tried

Could we have had a better day >

"Joe, I don't know where to start or even a way to say this that won't sound dumb or .... I don't know.. just listen to me, please?" She looked at him and he nodded, standing in front of the fire place. The glow off the fire had a warm glow reflecting on him and it almost took her breath away looking at him. "I know that I might have waited too long and maybe ruined our chances but if you're willing, I'm ready to try us again."

Joe looked at her a long time not believing what he had just heard. He couldn't believe that she had come back to him. The past month had been hell for him and he was sure that she had decided that he wasn't worth the effort.

His silence left her filled with doubts. Great I've waited too long and he's trying to think of a way to tell me. Get out gracefully. "It's okay, Joe," she began.

Joe gave her a confused look but she continued.

"I know that I've waited too long and that you don't feel the same way. I'm sorry

that I blew a good thing and wasted your time." Mary turned and headed for the door.

"Mary, wait," he called to her.

She stopped but didn't turn around.

"I'm sorry that you misunderstood my silence. Mary, I never thought that you'd come back to me. I thought that I had lost you for good."

"You did?" she asked, turning around.

"I did." He took her hand and pulled her close to him. His arms wrapped tightly around her. It felt good to have her back in his arms.

She hugged him tightly loving the feel of him holding her again. "I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure out what I wanted, but I had to be sure."

"It's okay, I understand." He did understand. He knew that she had needed to sort things out and then see where her heart led her. It had led her back into his arms.

Mary leaned back in his arms and looked into his eyes. "Do you really?" She had to be sure. There couldn't be anything left unsaid that could come between then later.

"I do," he answered, bringing his lips down to hers. She melted against him when their lips touched. Joe's kisses always seemed to have that effect on her. Mary felt his tongue outlining her lips wanting her to give him access to her mouth. She granted it and he wasted no time in plunging his tongue inside. She ran her fingers through his hair as she molded herself tighter to him. Joe ran his hands up and down her sides before settling them at her waist. Joe felt his control slipping and dragged his lips from hers. Her small whimper would have made him smile if he wasn't trying to calm his raging hormones down.

She knew what he was trying to do and although she admired him for his sense of control, she didn't want him to stop. She pulled his mouth down to hers for another kiss. Joe almost lost himself in it before pulling back again.

"Mar, we have to stop," he told her, pulling her arms down from around his neck.

Mary leaned up and kissed a path down his neck. "No, we don't," she breathed against his skin.

"But we never....I mean, I know that you never...." Her kisses were making it hard for him to think. "Sweetheart, I don't want our first time to be like this."

Mary met his eyes, "Like what?"

"I wanted to make it special for you...not just after a we've been upset with each other and....."

She cut him off with another kiss. "That's a nice thought but I want you now, Joe." She ran her hands down his back and then back up pulling his shirt up as she went.

"You're sure?" He gave her a questioning look.

She ran her hand down the front of him brushing the growing bulge in his sweats. Joe had to hold back his moan. "I'm sure," she answered.

He swept her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs and into his bedroom. They had spent many nights in there holding each other until sleep overcame them. He had proved his love to her then by being satisfied with just holding her and now he was going to prove it in another way.

The End

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