Speechless

By:  Lara

 

Your love is magical, that’s how I feel…but I have not the words here to explain…gone is the grace for expressions of passion…but there are worlds and worlds of ways to explain, to tell you how you make me feel…

 

 

“Justin, you coming?”  Chris knocked on Justin’s hotel room door.  “J?”

“Yeah, hold on.”  Justin opened the door. “What?”

“You coming along with us?  We’re doing dinner and going out.”  Chris looked at Justin’s flannel pajama pants and raggedy Tennessee sweatshirt. “I’m guessing no.”

“No,” Justin said, smiling apologetically. He shivered as JC approached them.

“You okay?” Chris asked.

“Yeah…I’m, uh…not feeling too well,” Justin stammered.  He shivered again.

“Hey, Justin.  You staying in?”  JC played with a fringe on his brown suede jacket.

“God, JC, that fringed jacket look went out YEARS ago,” Chris said in disapproval.

“Am I embarrassing you?” JC asked with a grin.

“Yes.”

“Good.”  JC turned back to Justin.  “You okay?”

“I’m, uh, sick.”  Justin gave a weak sniffle.  “I’m just…I’m gonna write or something.  Stay in and rest.”

“Don’t sit in front of the computer for too long,” JC advised.  “If you have a headache it won’t help.”

“Right.” Justin nodded.  JC put a hand on Justin’s arm and Justin shivered again.  “Want me to call down and get some soup for you or something?”

“JC, we’re leaving. Are you coming or not?” Chris asked, tapping his foot as Lance and Joey breezed by on their way to the elevator.

“I’m coming.”  JC gave Justin a look of concern.

“Go,” Justin said, smiling.  “Dance for me.”

“I will,” JC promised.  He squeezed Justin’s arm and walked away.  Justin watched them go, looking at the monstrosity of a brown suede jacket and smiling. His eyes wandered down the long legs, sheathed in tight brown pants, and he shivered once more.  He slowly went back into his suite, closing the door.

“I’m, uh, sick,” Justin mimicked himself, groaning.  He sat on the bed, staring at the laptop. Yeah, right, he was gonna write.  Not one word would come out of him that made any sense, not one note that sounded any good.  He had writer’s block, and someone who was getting on the elevator even as he sat there caused it.

 

Lance poured honey into a cup of tea and handed it to Justin. “It helps,” he promised. Justin gave him a smile.

“Thanks, Lance.”  Justin sipped at the tea to be polite, though he wasn’t sick.

“You know…there are other people out there,” Lance said suddenly, and Justin’s head shot up.  Lance knew.

“What?”  Justin whispered.

“Other than Britney. I know you guys have been together for a while, and the breakup was hard to deal with.  But you can find someone else.”  Lance rubbed Justin’s back. “It will get better.”

Lance didn’t know. Justin could breathe again.  “Right. Thanks, Lance.  I appreciate that.”

“Hi.”  JC fell into a chair across the table, his long legs unwinding gracefully under the table.  His foot hit Justin’s and Justin shivered. “Still sick?” JC asked sympathetically.

“No.  I’m just…tired.  I…don’t know what it is.”  Justin shrugged, cursing his lack of intelligence whenever JC was around.  He looked up at JC’s blue eyes.  “I’ll be fine.”

“Do you wanna hang after the interview?” JC asked.  The waitress walked over, and JC ordered pancakes and bacon.  He turned back to Justin.  “I was gonna hit the art museum quick…there’s a new exhibit of landscapes.  You could come along.”

Lance snorted. “Yeah, JC. THAT will make Justin feel better.”  Justin’s heart sank.  True, he wasn’t one for museums, but Lance didn’t have to make him look like an idiot.

“Well, I…uh…I kinda have writer’s block…and landscapes make me inspired for some reason,” JC said, blushing.  Justin wanted to shove Lance’s coffee up his nose.  He had embarrassed JC.

“I want to.  Come along, I mean.  I want to,” Justin told JC. “Honest.  I’m having writer’s block, too. Maybe it will help.”

“Okay.”  JC smiled happily.  Lance rolled his eyes and Justin did finally punch him.

“What was that for?” Lance asked angrily.

“Because you’re being a dick,” Justin snapped, and got up without another word.

 

Justin stared at his closet, wondering what to wear. They were doing a radio interview, so it didn’t really matter for THAT, but he wanted to look good for JC.  Not that JC would notice.  Justin sighed and sat down on a chair, clad only in boxer briefs and socks.  He couldn’t understand this sudden infatuation with his best friend. Okay, it wasn’t THAT sudden…just since he had grown out his hair and gotten this wacky fashion sense and become all Continental and artsy.  Chris thought JC was weird.  Lance thought he was going through a “phase.”  Joey thought it gave him new ammunition for teasing JC.  Justin thought it was sexy as all hell…sexy enough to make him give up on his farce of a relationship with Britney Spears. Let Lance think he was depressed.  He was.  But not for the reasons Lance thought.

“Justin, you ready?  Limo’s downstairs!” Joey yelled.  Justin looked down at his attire and had to grin.  THAT would go over well with management.

“Be right there!”  Justin yelled back, hurriedly pawing through his suitcase.

 

But I am speechless, speechless, that’s how you make me feel…though I’m with you I am far away, and nothing is for real…when I’m with you I am lost for words, I don’t know what to say…my head’s spinning like a carousel, so silently I pray…

 

 

“You didn’t say much in the interview,” JC observed as he and Justin climbed out of a taxi in front of the art museum. They had two and a half hours to kill before they were to meet the others back at the hotel for a quick photo shoot before dinner.

“I didn’t have anything to say,” Justin shrugged.  He sighed. He had a LOT to say, just not to some interviewer.

“I was surprised they didn’t dig into the whole relationship thing. I’m glad they didn’t. I don’t like lying.”  JC held the door for Justin, then paid his admission fee.

“Lying?” Justin asked, stopping.  JC tugged at his jacket.

“Later.  Let’s go.”

JC led the way through the museum to the corridor that held the landscapes.  Justin had to hurry to keep up with him. “Whoa, Jayce…you’re running!” Justin said with a laugh.

“I want us to have as much time as possible,” JC told him. He skidded to a stop in front of a large room.  “Here.”  JC seemed to tiptoe as he entered the room.  Ten paintings hung on the walls, with couches in the middle of the room.  The room was empty.  “Art…it’s like…I dunno.”

“Art museums are your church, JC,” Justin said softly. JC looked at him sharply, wondering if Justin was teasing him.  “Really. And that’s cool.”

“Thank you.”  JC sat down on a couch.  “See that one? Can’t you feel the water, smell the sea?”  JC pointed to a beachfront scene. 

“I want to be there,” Justin said wistfully.  He stared at the painting, and suddenly he saw them there.  He was next to JC on this private beach, and they were laying on a blanket.  The waves crashed behind them and they kissed as the sun beat down…

“Justin.  Let’s go.”  JC tugged on Justin’s arm, and he snapped out of his daydream.

Helpless and hopeless, that’s how I feel inside…nothing’s real, but all is possible if God is on my side…when I’m with you I am in the light where I cannot be found…it’s as though I am standing in the place called Hallowed Ground…

 

But that’s how the rest of their visit went. Every picture became a daydream. Justin would be swept away into his little fantasy, whether it be in the countryside, at the beach, or on a mountaintop.  He just wanted to BE with JC.  He stopped walking and shook his head, trying to calm the dizzy feeling in his heart.  “It will never happen,” he whispered to himself.

“You okay?” JC asked.

“Jayce, what did you mean about lying?” Justin asked him. JC sighed and sat down with him on a sofa.

“I’m not…you know me and Bobbie are no more, right?” Justin nodded. “I…I think I might be bisexual, Justin. THAT’S why we broke up.”  Justin’s mouth fell open.  “Don’t…don’t say anything.”

“I’m speechless,” Justin whispered.

“And don’t be mad, okay? I know this is a shock.  Lance knows…and Joey.  I’m not sure how to tell Chris, and I’ve been afraid to tell you.”

“AFRAID?” Justin almost yelled.

“Shhh!”  JC exclaimed.  “Justin, look at you.  You’re this…sex symbol…the man that girls faint over…you’re not the type to understand how I’m feeling.”

“I don’t…” Justin wanted to laugh out loud.  “JC, how could you think that?” Justin asked angrily.  “I…I have…” Justin found himself stumbling once more as hope and fear and helplessness fought inside of him.  “You don’t know shit about me!” He said finally.  “I can’t believe this.”

“Let’s leave.”  JC strode out of the museum with Justin on his heels.  “See? I just KNEW you’d blow up like this.”

“Blow up?  JC, the only reason I’m even angry is because you just jumped to this conclusion.  God, Jayce.”  Justin ran a hand through his short curls.  “Did you think I’d think you were gonna jump me or something?”

“No!” JC said quickly.  “I didn’t think that.”  He hailed a taxi and they climbed into the backseat.

“Jayce, when I’m with you…I…” Justin closed his eyes and told his mouth and brain to get it together.  “I can be myself. I can be anything.  You’re like…this calm place in the wild sea that’s our lives.  I…it’s like…like that one painting where the ship was all tossed by the water…and there was a lighthouse…beaming the way to safety. You’re my lighthouse, Jayce, and it hurts that you can’t even trust me with something important like this.”  Justin sighed.  Suddenly he was hurt and tired and frightened and elated all at once.

“Whoa, Justin. I…I’m sorry, man. I didn’t…I didn’t know,” JC said, putting a hand on Justin’s shoulder.  The taxi stopped and Justin stepped out.

“You shoulda known, JC.”  Justin hurried into the hotel, leaving JC to pay.

 

“What the fuck was that?” Justin almost yelled at himself as he slammed his suite door. “What the fuck?  I just YELLED at JC.  Yelled at him.  Yelled at the man I…love.”  Justin sat down on the floor of the living room area.  “I do. I love him. I’m…IN…love with him.”  He buried his face in his hands.  “And he’s bi. And he’ll never want me.  I’m in love with someone I can never have…who I can hardly even TALK to anymore.  God.” 

 

Speechless, speechless, that’s how you make me feel...though I’m with you I am far away and nothing is for real...I’ll go anywhere and do anything just to touch your face...there’s no mountain high I cannot climb, I’m humbled in your grace...

 

 

“Where’s JC?” Lance asked as Joey and Chris came down to the lobby.  Justin was on a sofa, flipping through a magazine.  “The interview starts in fifteen minutes.”

“He’s sick,” Chris announced.  “Bad.  He can’t freaking talk.”

“He was fine last night,” Lance remembered.

“No, he wasn’t,” Justin said from behind his magazine.  “He didn’t talk throughout dinner, and he didn’t even eat anything but soup and tea.  He skipped the entire gourmet meal that was offered to us.”

Lance looked at Joey and Chris.  “I thought you guys weren’t talking.”

“We’re not. But I’m not blind,” was the reply.  Justin sighed and put his magazine down.  “I’ll go up and check on him.  You three do the interview and cover for us.”

“Us?” Joey asked.

“What, are you afraid or something? Go!”  Justin shoved Joey towards the door and headed for the elevator.

 

“JC?  Jayce?”  Justin knocked on JC’s hotel room door.  “It’s me, Justin. Lemme in.”

“Yeah?”  A voice croaked as the door opened a crack.

“Jesus, you sound like shit,” Justin commented. “I have some chicken broth and tea for you.”

JC looked at him for a long moment. “C’mon in,” he rasped.  He opened the door and Justin came in. “I’m set up in the bedroom,” JC said.  He led Justin into the bedroom.  A box of tissues sat by the bed, and the television was tuned into a soap opera.

“You must be sick,” Justin teased gently, motioning towards the television.

“There’s not much on,” JC whispered, crawling back under the covers. “God, I feel like shit.”

“You look like it.”  Justin lightly rubbed JC’s crazy mane of hair.  “I’m sorry you’re sick.”

“I’m sorry in general,” JC rasped.  His blue eyes were sad. “I’ve missed talking to you these last few days.”

“Me too,” Justin said softly. “Drink this tea, Jayce.  Get better.”

 

“Justin,” JC said drowsily. He had eaten the broth and drank the tea, and Justin had just turned off the television, ordering JC to nap.  “Am I really your best friend?”

“Of course, JC,” Justin told him.  “Even when we weren’t talking.”

“Do you think Lance is cute?” JC asked suddenly.

“Where did that come from, JC?  Too many drugs?” Justin gasped, laughing.

“Do you?”

“I guess so…he’s kinda pale, though.”

“And Chris?”

“He’s too odd to be cute,” Justin told him.

“Joey?”

“He’s handsome, I guess,” Justin said, shrugging.

“What about me?” JC asked after yawning.  Justin sighed.

“Yes, JC, you’re cute.  The cutest of all,” Justin told him. JC smiled sleepily.

“Stay here,” JC said, and Justin nodded.

“You bet.”

JC quickly fell asleep, and Justin curled up beside him. One hand reached up to touch the tousled hair, then the hand moved down to JC’s soft cheek.  Justin bit back a moan as his fingers touched the skin, lightly trailing over the cheekbone like a kiss.

 

Speechless…speechless…that’s how you make me feel, though I’m with you I am lost for words, and nothing is for real…

 

 

“Justin…Justin…” Wade waved his hand in front of Justin’s face. “Hello?”

“Oh, huh? Yeah, I’m ready.”  Justin snapped to dancing attention and Lance burst into giggles behind him.

“We don’t NEED you to be ready,” Wade said gently. “We’re taking five.”

“Right.  Five.”  Justin obediently went over to his water bottle, leaving Wade to stare at his back.

“You okay?” JC asked, walking over.  Justin almost dropped his water.  He had knelt down by his bag, and JC was standing in front of him…which put JC’s center right in front of his face.  Justin licked his lips and tried to think of non-sexy things…like Chris. It didn’t work.  Justin sat down and pulled his bag onto his lap, covering the semi-erection.

“Me? Yeah, fine.  Why?”

“You just…you seem out of it today.” JC sat down next to Justin.

“I’m fine,” Justin repeated.  He toyed with his water bottle, wondering what to say next.  He still felt uncomfortable around JC, even though it had been almost three weeks since JC had “come out” to him. He had also come out to the other members of the group officially, and of course they all accepted it, and accepted him.  Justin just wished he could be that honest.

“Are you mad at me?”  JC asked gently, and Justin’s mouth fell open.

“Mad at you?”

“You…you don’t really talk to me…and, you know…fuck, Justin, I thought you were okay with all this bi shit!”  JC said suddenly, and Justin felt hurt run through him.

“I am, Jayce.  Honest. I just…” Justin put a hand on JC’s knee and wished JC could read his mind. For once in his young life, Justin was shy.  “I can’t explain it right,” Justin said finally.

“Don’t bother,” JC muttered, shoving Justin’s hand away and standing up. “I see it all perfectly clear.”

 

Speechless, speechless, that’s how you make me feel…though I’m with you, I am far away, and nothing is for real…

 

 

“Wait.”  Justin tugged on Lance’s sleeve, pulling him back.

“What?” Lance asked. 

“Look…look at that.” Justin pointed to the painting in the window. It was an ocean scene, with a beautiful yellow beach, calm aqua waves, and seagulls dipping down on an invisible breeze.  “That’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, it is,” Lance said, shrugging.

“What’s going on?” Joey poked his head over Lance’s shoulder. “Oh, a painting.”  Chris struggled up behind them, with JC on his back.

“Justin wanted to stop and look at it,” Lance said, shrugging again.  “I can see the same thing from the back of my house.”

“It’s nice. I...” Justin stammered.

“It is nice.”  JC slid off of Chris. “I have a few paintings by this guy already.”  He didn’t look at Justin as he spoke.

“I just…I like it,” Justin said defensively.  He blushed and looked down.

“And I’d like dinner.”  One of the bodyguards came out of nowhere. “Can we move it along, kids? You guys are the ones who wanted to WALK to the restaurant.”

“Yeah, let’s go. I’m JONESING for some Chinese food.”  Joey threw an arm around Chris’ shoulders and led him along.  Lance and JC followed, but Justin stayed to look at the painting for one moment longer. That was the place…the place he had dreamt about the night before…where he was with JC and JC WASN’T mad at him and JC LOVED him.  Justin sighed and hurried to catch up to the others.

 

Speechless, speechless, that’s how you make me feel…though I’m with you, I am lost for words and nothing is for real…speechless

 

 

“So, boys, three weeks to ourselves. What’s on the agenda?” Chris asked as the plane started to land in Orlando.  Their little press jaunt was over, and they would actually have time to relax.

“Work,” Lance sighed. “FreeLance shit.”

“You are impossible,” Joey said, shaking his head.  “Me…sleep…eat…sex…”

“So basically you’ll be JUST like you are now,” JC told him, and everyone laughed.

“I understand where Lance is coming from…I gotta go up to New York and talk to FuMan people,” Chris groaned. “But ONLY for three days. Then I’m hauling ass back here and hiding in my house.”

“How about you?” JC turned his blue eyes on Justin, who blushed.

“I…uh…nothing. Just chilling at home.  Maybe buy a new car,” Justin replied, shrugging.  It was the first thing that came into his head and he inwardly winced. Now JC would think he was shallow.

“Like you need one,” Chris laughed.

“He does.  Justin should have a car for every day of the week,” JC teased gently.

“Don’t you have that many already?” Joey asked.  Justin glared at him.

“No.  I…I want something mellow.  More conservative,” Justin told him.  Joey didn’t know what to say to that, so he shut up.

“How about you, JC?” Lance asked.

“Probably putter around the house, paint some…look into getting a new wine cellar installed,” JC said.  The others groaned.

 

Three days later, Justin pulled himself out of bed to work out.  He needed to stay in shape, since he wasn’t really exercising during this time off. He pulled on a pair of gym shorts, drank a glass of orange juice, and started down the steps to his tiny workout room.  His doorbell stopped him.  He jogged back up and looked through the peephole.  A deliveryman.  “Yes?”

“Justin Timberlake? Sign here.” The man held out a clipboard and Justin sighed.  The man picked up a huge rectangular package. “Have a nice day, sir.”

“You, too,” Justin said vaguely, struggling with the parcel. He went into his house, kicking the door shut with his sneakered foot.  He didn’t recognize the handwriting, but it was addressed to him.  He slowly tore through the brown wrapping paper and his mouth fell open.  It was the painting he had admired in the window that night on the way to dinner.  Justin sat down on the sofa, still gaping at the painting. He noticed something taped to the back and carefully pulled it off.  Before he could read it, the phone rang.

“Yeah?” Justin asked impatiently.

“Do you like it?” A voice asked shyly.

“Uh…I…yeah. I love it.”  Justin cleared his throat.  “You bought it?”

“Yeah.  I’m…uh…out front. In my car. I couldn’t wait to see if you liked it.”

“Well, God,” Justin said, grinning. “Come on in!”  He hung up the phone and opened the door.  He watched JC’s blue car purr into the driveway. JC got out, wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a black tshirt.  “Hi.”

“Hi.”  JC brushed past him and went in.  He smiled at the painting on the sofa.  “This will look good in here.”

“Nah…I want it in the bedroom. It’ll give me sweet dreams,” Justin said quickly.  “Thanks, JC.  This…wow.  But I’m not sure why…”

“Didn’t you read the note?” JC asked, his eyes shadowy and curious.

“No. You called as I pulled it off.”

“It says, I know you wanted this…and I wanted to let you know how much you mean to me…as a friend and more.”  JC looked at Justin nervously. “So…uh…yeah.”

“JC, what are you trying to say?” Justin whispered.

“Who do you think made me realize I liked guys AND girls?” JC whispered back. “Who do you think gave me the courage to break up with Bobbie, just because I wanted someone else so bad I couldn’t think straight?”

Justin sat down hard.  “Josh…”

“Don’t.”  JC held up a hand. “I know…I’m your best friend and brother and you don’t want me…hell…ANY guy…but I needed to be honest with you.”  JC’s face was pulled with sadness.  “I love you, Justin. I’m…in…love with you.”

“I…I…” Justin couldn’t speak. Words flowed in and out of his head without forming any kind of tangible thought.  “JC…”  Justin was shocked to find tears in his eyes.

“Just…don’t…hate me, okay?” JC begged.

“I don’t hate you!”  Justin stood up.  “JC, I have been struggling FOREVER with my feelings for you. I broke up with Britney because she wasn’t…she wasn’t YOU.  And I’ve been afraid to tell you, and THAT’S why I’ve been a dick around you.  I…I feel the same way. About you.”

“Me?” JC squeaked, and blushed.  Justin smiled.

“You.  God, JC…you make me feel about fifteen years old every time I’m around you. I blush, I can’t talk, I can’t even think…except about you.”

JC smiled, his face bursting with happiness.  “Now…now what?”

“I think you’re supposed to kiss me now,” Justin said bravely, and JC’s blue eyes twinkled.

“Why me?”

“Because you’re older,” Justin said, and JC laughed. He put his hands on Justin’s waist, and Justin brought his fingers up to trail through the long hair.  Their lips met and they said everything they’d been wanting to say.

 

Your love is magical, that’s how I feel…but in your presence I am lost for words…words like, “I love you.”

 

The End

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