10,000 Promises

By:  Lara

                                           

At nine o’clock, I began to put the food away. I scraped the dishes into freezer bags and packed them into the fridge. I washed my best china and put it away. I started to toss out the bottle of wine and then decided it was a shame to waste it. I poured myself a glass and headed for the bedroom.

I changed out of the little black dress that every woman should own, and put on my favorite old purple plaid shirt, and a pair of black sweats. Marvin the Martian slippers completed my "lounge around the house" outfit. I padded out to the kitchen, where I poured a second glass of wine.

I was just settling down in front of the TV when the doorbell buzzed. I sighed and got up, downing my glass in the process. I didn’t even have to look through the peephole.

"Baby, I am SO sorry!" Greg barely caught my cheek with his kiss as he breezed in the door. "You do not want to know what kind of day I have had." He sniffed the air. "What’s for dinner?"

"It WAS a new chicken recipe I tried," I replied, trying to remain angry with him. His dark eyes smiled down at me.

"It smells delicious in here. Could you heat it up for me?"

I sighed and padded out to the kitchen. I pulled out the bags I had just put in the fridge, and began throwing food onto a microwavable plate. Greg pulled me into his arms.

"I missed you, ya know." He kissed my forehead, my nose, my chin, and then my lips…the usual ritual. "I wanted to be here, honestly. It’s just…it’s my…it’s my son’s birthday today."

My mouth fell open. "Why didn’t you tell me that? I never would have expected you to come over!"

"Well, I didn’t want to upset you," he said, sitting at the kitchen table.

No, you just don’t like talking about your family with me, I thought, but said nothing. "Where does she think you are now?"  I asked as I pushed the time on the microwave.

"Jogging," Greg replied, looking down at his Yale sweatshirt and navy blue sweatpants.

I gasped. "Jogging? Greg, you live on the other side of town…how did you…"

"I caught a taxi here. I figured I could steal an hour or so. I usually run into a friend or two when I’m jogging, anyway."

"You jog at nine at night?" I asked skeptically. He yanked on my arm, pulling me into his lap. His hands wove through my long hair as his mouth eagerly searched for mine.

"Why do you ask so many questions?" Greg murmured.

"Because maybe I’m tired of living this lie." I bounced back up and retrieved his dinner.

"Silver…baby…I told you…just a few months longer," he promised.

"Yes, I know…you told me." I slammed his plate down in front of him. He sighed and got up for his own glass of lukewarm wine.

"I have good news…I have the BEST idea for your new book, and the guys in the big office LOVED it."

I sat down across from him. "Oh, Greg, I meant to tell you! I had an idea too! Not the usual romance, girl meets boy girl hates boy girl sleeps with boy girl falls in love with boy…I was thinking more along the lines of…"

"An expose," he continued as if I had never spoken. "A tell all book."

"About who?" I wrinkled my nose. I had always hated that type of "unauthorized" biography that ripped apart a person’s life for everyone to see.

"The Backstreet Boys."

"The who?" I asked.

"The Backstreet Boys…you know…that boy band everyone is so crazy about."

"Oh, yeah, right…" I said. "Sorry…I prefer Nsync." Greg rolled his eyes as he stuffed his face. "But I thought there were all kinds of books like that out there right now."

"Not like the one you’re gonna write." He took a big swallow of wine. "You’re gonna tour with them, get to know them, and act like you’re just another writer doing just another teenybopper encyclopedia. The difference will be that you are going to gather all the dirt you can…who sleeps with who, who drinks the most, what drugs they do … everything."

I stood up so fast that my chair slammed to the floor. "NO…no way…I’m not ruining someone’s life like that!"

"Baby…"

"Don’t baby me, Gregory. That is awful. That is the worst kind of journalism there is!" I shouted. He pulled me into his arms.  His hands held my face.

"Silver, listen to me. After this book, everyone will want you. You’ll be able to call the shots for your next book…anything you want…any topic…any style…I promise you." He kissed my nose. "Do it for me? If you say no, I’ll look like a fool."

"But it’s wrong!" I insisted, my resolve wavering. "I don’t like it."

"You don’t have to like it," he reminded me. "And just think…you’ll be out on the road and I’ll be able to come to you wherever you are! It will be so much easier for us to see each other!"

"Well…" I began, but I was silenced by his mouth on mine. As he picked me up and carried me to the bedroom, I had lingering doubts in the back of my mind, but he erased them all with the touch of his hand and the flicker of his tongue.

The next morning I woke with a feeling of dread down in the pit of my stomach. For a long moment I couldn’t figure out why…and then I remembered. I had to meet with Greg and the people he answered to at the publishing company.

I dragged myself out of bed and showered and dressed. I pulled on my favorite dark blue silk shirt and black jeans. I hoped that they might cheer me up, but it seemed that something as simple as my favorite clothing still seemed to bring me down.

"Silver! Wonderful to see you!" Greg’s boss chirped as I entered his office. "Your manager here sounds like he has the perfect idea for you…what do you think?"

I opened my mouth and shut it, unable to speak for a moment. Everyone in the office looked at me expectantly. Gregory gave me an almost imperceptible wink. "Um…uh…it’s different," I said finally. "I mean…if you think it’s what the people want."

"Of course it is," Greg said quickly. "I mean, everyone has been writing for teenagers. Adults love a scandal. They love drama.  And this will definitely end up being adult, scandalous drama, I can assure you." His dark eyes glared at me slightly, telling me not to say no.

"If you really want me to, I guess I can try," I told Greg’s boss, sighing.

"Excellent!" He rubbed his hands together. "We have a lot of planning to do, and a lot of phone calls to make. Silver, you are more than welcome to stay around, but I’m sure you’d be quite bored quite quickly."

"Of course," I said, shaking his hand. "I have a lot to do also, if I’m going to be away for the next three months."

"No…Mom…I won’t be here, that’s what I’m saying." I struggled to pull my suitcases off the top shelf of the closet as I held the cordless phone. "I need you to keep an eye on the place." The suitcases came tumbling down, bringing a shower of dust with them. I sneezed. "No, Mom, I haven’t met anyone yet. A Backstreet Boy? Hardly … they’re almost all younger than me."

I finally convinced her that I wasn’t running off to join a cult or something, and got her promise to watch the apartment and water my plant. As soon as I hung up with her, the phone rang again.

"Baby! Is this exciting or what?"

"Yeah, Greg, wonderful," I said dryly, opening my dresser and taking a visual inventory. "When do I start this thing?"

"You’ll be leaving in two days. You’ll meet up with them in Pennsylvania. The first shows of this leg of the tour."

"Two days? Thanks for all the time to prepare!" I snapped.

He ignored my outburst, as usual. "I thought we could spend tomorrow evening together. I’ll be free."

"What if I’m not?" But he knew better. He knew I did nothing but write and wait for him to give me some time.

"I’m having a messenger drop an envelope at your place this evening. It has all the bios you’ll need, as well as your own."

"My own? What does THAT mean?"

"Well, you need to…ah…fudge a few things."

"EXCUSE ME?"

"Well, everyone knows who Silver Mulholland is, but you have to really know what your reasons are for the book, what you’re supposed to be writing, all that."

"I’m not an idiot, Gregory." I sat down on the bed, regretting this decision more with every passing moment. "Greg, I don’t know if…"

"Silver Baby, I am so glad you’re doing this. It’s perfect. And as soon as I can, I’ll join you, and…"

I lay back on the bed and sighed as he ranted on and on about everything he would do to me and for me.

About two hours later, the envelope from Greg arrived. I curled up on a corner of the sofa with a cup of coffee. There were glossy 8x10 photos as well as a two or three page bio of each member of the group.

"Hmmm…who to start with…" I flipped through them, deciding to go in alphabetical order. "Nickolas Carter…Howie Dorough…Brian Littrell…Alexander McLean…Kevin Richardson…"

It took about forty minutes to read through everything. I felt as if I knew more about these five men then their biggest fans did.  They seemed like a nice bunch of guys…and I hated to do this to them. I stretched and stood. I began to pace, trying to ignore the kind blue eyes of Brian Littrell that stared up at me from his picture. I had to think about me, I told myself. This would be good for ME. I’d get to call the shots on my next book, and do it MY way. And Greg…he’d be so proud…and we’d get all this time together…he’d see that he was meant to be with ME…not her. I sighed, glancing down at Brian.

"Oh, shut up," I told him, swiping his picture down onto the floor.

I gratefully sank into the backseat of the taxi that picked me up at the tiny State College, PA, airport. The flight had been short but bumpy. All I wanted to do was sleep for an hour or two, but I knew I’d have to meet these guys first. The entire flight had been spent building a wall of steel around my heart and conscience. I wasn’t gonna get to know them, and they weren’t gonna get to know me…not the real me, anyway. My normally free-flowing dark brown hair was up in a severe bun. The contacts were out, and my favorite blue-framed glasses were on. I wore a long black skirt and an quamarine blouse. No one would like me. I would remind them of their first grade teacher.

"Ya sure you want me to take you to the Center, Miss?" The cabbie asked me.

"Yes…I’ll be catching a ride to the hotel from there. You can just go on without me and take my bags to the hotel."

"Will do." He dropped me in front of the Bryce Jordan Center and zoomed off. I took a deep breath and grasped the security tag the company had acquired for me.

"Yo…hello…this isn’t working right!"

"Hey…Train…watch this, bro!"

"Are these SUPPOSED to be this tight?"

As I walked up the corridor to the arena floor, all I heard was whining. I sighed. This would be a LONG three months. I saw no one on stage but still heard voices. I looked up and saw five bodies hanging from the rafters on some sort of snowboard apparatus. I weakly sat down. As heartless as I was trying to be…I couldn’t help but think the idea was pretty cool.

"Hi there!" A voice called down to me. It was the blond one…dammit, what was his name. "I’m Nick! Who are you?"

"Silver," I called back, waiting for the inevitable joke. My whole life, after I introduced myself, I would hear, "And where’s your sister, Gold?"

"Cool name. Hey, watch this!" I watched as the twenty-year old man with the attitude of a ten-year old flipped upside down over and over again.

"Kaos, you had tacos for lunch…remember that," a tall man warned. He motioned for the effects men to lower him. He unhooked himself from his harness and walked towards me. "Kevin Richardson." He stuck out his hand towards me. "You’re Silver Mulholland, right? Glad to meet you."

                "Oh…SHE’S the writer?" A short wiry man was next to walk over. "I’m Alex, but everyone calls me AJ." He lowered his sunglasses and smiled at me.

"What writer?" Nick came hurrying over.

"Nick, remember…at the meeting. She’s gonna be following us around for another one of those books," AJ reminded him.

"Oh, yeah," Nick smiled a sweet smile at me. "Sorry."

"No problem," I replied, finding it impossible to keep from smiling back. The remaining two Backstreet Boys, Howie and Brian, soon came over to introduce themselves. "Don’t you guys mind having some stranger follow your every movie … scrutinize every french fry you eat…that kinda thing?" I asked.

"Not really, we’re used to it," Howie told me.

"As long as you don’t scrutinize HOW we eat, it’s fine. Nick’s eating habits are enough to make you think PIGS are neat eaters," Brian told me. His reward was a smack on the back of the head from Nick.

"You’re Silver Mulholland!" AJ said suddenly. The others turned to stare at him.

"Nothing gets past you, does it, McLean?" Kevin asked.

"No…I mean…the novelist…Silver Mulholland!" AJ exclaimed. "This is so cool! My mom LOVES your books! She’s gonna freak when I tell her you’re touring with us!"

"What kind of books do you write?" Nick asked.

"Not comics, Nicky, so you probably haven’t read them," Brian teased. Nick blushed, and I could tell immediately that for all his joking he sometimes was offended by all the smartass remarks directed his way.

"Romance novels, actually. He’s right, Nick, you probably haven’t wasted your time reading them." I took pity on the youngest Backstreet Boy. "And that doesn’t offend me, either." I took a deep breath, determined to keep my distance. "I’m going to catch a lift back to the hotel to get cleaned up. I’ll check in with you guys at dinner."

I turned on my heel and strode away, trying hard to forget blue eyes and green eyes and killer smiles and dancer’s bodies and long legs. I heaved a deep sigh. This was going to be a LOT harder than I had expected.

When I got back to the hotel there were about ten messages for me from my publishing company, the group’s management, and Gregory. I called him as soon as I got up to my room.

"Honest, Greg, they seem really nice," I told him. "Are you sure I couldn’t just…"

"No…you know what’s expected of you, Silver," he said in a stern tone. Then he softened. "Hey…it looks like I’ll be able to meet up with you next week in Charlotte. I can hardly wait. We’ll go to dinner, maybe a movie…have a real date."

"That would be nice," I said wistfully, wondering if this was a promise that would come true for once.

A knock came at the door a few hours later, shaking me out of a sound sleep. I looked through the peephole. There stood Brian Littrell, all showered and clean after the rehearsal. I opened the door a crack.

"Miss Mulholland, I’m sorry to bother you, but we’ll be going down to the private dining room for dinner in about twenty minutes, and i wondered if you were coming."

"You don’t have to call me ‘Miss’, Brian, it makes me feel old!" I blushed at his southern manners. "Just Silver will do."

"Sorry…are you coming?"

"Yes, I’ll meet you down there." I shut the door and hurried to splash some cold water on my face. I threw on stretch pants and an oversized sweater and grabbed the keycard.

"Hey, Silver!" AJ McLean seemed to wave with his whole body. "Sit here!" He patted the seat beside him at the long table. I sighed and went over to the chair he indicated. I was hoping to sit alone so I could observe this first night, but it was obvious that this friendly Backstreet Boy had other plans for me. "I’m just about to go to the buffet…what do you want?"

"Oh, salad is fine. Maybe a roll or something…I’m not too hungry."

"Blue cheese dressing?" AJ stood.

"How did you know?" I gasped.

"You look cheesy," he teased. It took everything I had not to smile at him. It didn’t faze him, however, and he moved on over to the food.

"So…what do you want to know?" Howie sat on my other side. "Favorite color? Favorite car? Favorite animal?" He rolled his eyes at his reference to the usual lame questions people must have asked them on a regular basis.

"I was actually more interested in the relationship between the five of you." I looked him right in the eye. "Who gets along best?  Who fights the most? Who’s the most arrogant…most egotistical…most demanding of the rest of you?"

"Kevin definitely demands the most," Nick said as he sat across from us, his plate piled high. "Everything always must be perfect."

"So he’s a perfectionist? If it’s not right it isn’t good enough?" I asked.

"Pretty much," Howie agreed. I quickly jotted that down in my ever-present notebook.

"AJ’s the egotist," Nick informed me. Howie stared at him.

"He is not! AJ is the sweetest, most generous person I know!" Howie exclaimed.

"Oh, I know that…it’s just that he cares the most about material things…like how he looks. Mr. Funky GQ," Nick was quick to defend his opinion.

"Talking about me?" AJ slid back into the seat next to me.

"Yes…Nick was saying he thinks you’re egotistical," I told him. AJ glared at the blond man, who suddenly became very interested in his mashed potatoes.

"Well, one of us should care about how he looks," AJ said pointedly. Nick blushed and I almost felt guilty.

"Arrogance?" Howie said quickly as Kevin and Brian joined us. "Kevin…that cool as a cucumber exterior could be portrayed as arrogant to some people."

"You’re calling me arrogant?" Kevin asked quietly.

"No, Kev, not at all…I just…" Howie stammered.

"Any other questions?" AJ said to me, actually enjoying the stressful moment.

"Who do you think will be the first to leave the band?" I asked.

"AJ," everyone but AJ answered simultaneously. AJ’s dark eyes grew slightly darker.

"Jeez, guys, why don’t you just kick me out already," he said softly.

"You’re ready to go out on your own?" I turned to him.

"No…not yet…I mean…I don’t know if I ever will. I love the group and all but I have some solo ideas," he finally stammered to a finish.

"So…you guys are often portrayed as brothers. Is that true?" I looked for one to another.

"Absolutely," Brian answered immediately. "We are like brothers."

"These are the only brothers I have," AJ informed me.

"You love each other like brothers?"

                "Absolutely," Brian said again.

"Almost like more than brothers…the love is stronger than that, because we’re together all the time," Kevin added.

"Who fights most?" I asked Howie.

"AJ and Nick or Kevin and Nick," he replied. Brian nodded in agreement.

"Short temper?" I asked Nick.

"Not really," Brian was quick to jump in. "He’s just…high spirited."

"But quick to fight," Kevin added. "And not so quick to think."

"Hey!" Nick said, insulted. I saw my cue to leave.

"Well, guys, this is a good start. I’ll certainly talk to you later. Have a great show." I stood.

"Are you coming tonight?" AJ asked.

"No…not tonight. I’m kinda tired." This wasn’t exactly a lie, but not the whole truth. Greg was supposed to call at nine-thirty, and I didn’t want to miss it. "I’ll catch you tomorrow."

I walked away and heard Nick say, "I don’t think? Let me tell you exactly WHAT I think…"

I locked the door behind me and quickly pulled out the tape recorder I had hidden under my sweater, at Greg’s request. I hit rewind, then play. Kevin’s voice came out loud and clear: "…the love is stronger than that…" I hit stop. This tape would be damning to them. I knew just how to use everything I had heard at that dinner table. I set the recorder down on the table, staring at it hatefully for a moment. I went for the shower, quickly stepping under the water. I began to cry, wondering just what kind of person I had become, and why I was doing it.

        The clattering of the phone woke me. I opened one eye and saw Jay Leno on my television. I moaned and reached over for the phone. "Hello?"

"Baby! I miss you soooo much!"

"If you missed me that much why didn’t you call when you were supposed to?" I grumbled.

"My daughter’s basketball game ran late. I didn’t have a chance to call until now."

I stretched and yawned. "What’s that noise?"

"I’m in the garage on my cellphone, and I just knocked over a rake. Funny how the more you try to be quiet, the louder you are." I heard a muffled bang. "There…now I’m in the car."

"Won’t she wonder what you’re doing in the car at…" I checked the clock. "…midnight?"

"She’s sleeping." Greg snapped. "How’s it going?"

"What?" I asked innocently.

"You KNOW what, Silver. The interviewing."

"Well, hell, Greg, I just got here," I reminded him. "But I ate dinner with them, asked a few questions. They open up really easy."

"Excellent. How could they help but open up to someone as gorgeous as you," he gushed. I rolled my eyes. He seemed to think that after had broken another promise, all he had to do was pile on the compliments and I would forgive him. Problem was…he was right. "I love you, Silver, you know that, right? All I want is to be with you…as soon as possible."

"I love you, too, Greg," I whispered back. I did…didn’t I?

I slept restlessly, as usual, and woke up around seven in the morning. All kinds of thoughts were swarming through my head, and it was driving me crazy. I called down to the front desk, asking directions to the closest gym. I was informed that there was one in the basement of the hotel. I threw on a sports bra, baseball shirt, and spandex shorts and headed for the elevator.

The hall was silent. I knew the Backstreet Boys were on the same floor as I was, and I wondered if they were alone. Did they have girlfriends? Did they hook up after the tour? That is NONE of your business, I began to tell myself, then I realized it WAS my business as long as I was trying to write this damned book.

The workout area was relatively large, but jammed with all kinds of equipment. I frowned. This wasn’t what I was looking for. I went over to the sleepy attendant. "I’m looking for some room to work out," I told him. He lifted one eyebrow. "Not with weights," I added quickly. "I do more…uh…aerobic kinda stuff."

"There’s a studio through that door." He pointed to my left. I wandered over and found the room deserted. Excellent. There was even a small stereo in the corner with a CD player on it. I pulled out some of my usual workout music, then paused. I had asked one of the people at the publisher to make me tapes of Backstreet music, with one of them being all fast songs. I pulled that out and popped it in. As I began to stretch, I couldn’t help but kinda bounce along. Not bad, I thought to myself. This was perfect for the combination dance routine/Taebo I did every morning.

                "I didn’t know people worked out to us," a male voice said about twenty-five minutes later. I whirled around, gasping for breath. Howie Dorough stood in the doorway, smiling at me.

"How long have you been there?" I demanded.

"About fifteen minutes. I always get up early to work out. Kevin should be down soon, too." He walked into the room and popped out the tape. "I didn’t think we had a combination of these songs recorded somewhere."

"One of the people I work with copied those tapes for me," I explained. "I didn’t really know your music."

"Well, I don’t really know your writing, so I think we’re even," he said, smiling his gorgeous smile. "I’ve never seen a routine like that before," he told me. I turned deep red.

"Well…uh…I like Taebo…but I like dancing. I’m no trainer or anything, but it makes it more interesting."

"Can I work out with you sometime? This looks cool."

"Me too," Kevin said, walking into the studio. I blushed even deeper.

"Well, I don’t know…for all I know this could be the wrong way to work out."

"I don’t want to intrude on your space," Howie said, actually taking a step back. He had seemed to read my mind. I didn’t want to spend extra time with them doing something like this. It didn’t seem right.

"We’re gonna work out on the machines," Kevin told me. "We work out every morning. If you wanna join us sometime, cool. If you want us to join you sometime, cool." He went back out into the gym area.

"I can see why you called him arrogant," I said to Howie. He shrugged his shoulders.

"That’s Kev for you. See you later." He followed Kevin. I sat on a small stool by the stereo and sighed. This was so fucking hard. I wanted not to like them. I wanted to write a scathing report of the lives of the Backstreet Boys…but that was easier said then done.

Ninety minutes later I ran into the whole group in the coffee shop of the hotel. I had on a turtleneck under a denim jumper that reached my shins. "You dress like my first grade teacher," AJ pointed out. I smiled in satisfaction.

"Not all the time," Howie replied, reaching across me for the salt. AJ and Nick looked at him quizzically. "She looks very good in spandex." AJ and Nick looked at ME quizzically. I blushed furiously.

"So…does everyone have a girlfriend here?" I asked quickly. I was answered by mumbles and shrugs. "Come on…no girl back home waiting patiently for her honey?" More mumbles and shrugs. "Oh puhleeze…like the Backstreet Boys are all virgin choirboys!" I snapped. That worked.

"Oh no…we didn’t say that," AJ was quick to say.

"Just no one steady," Howie added.

"So you’re saying you’re not virgins, but not seeing anyone steady…a girl in every port kinda thing?" I said.

"No, that’s NOT what we’re saying," Brian jumped in. "We just haven’t found the right girl."

"Not Ms. Right, but Ms. Right Now?" I asked with a twinkle in my eye.

"Exactly!" AJ replied.

"Not for all of us," Kevin said quietly.

"What about you?" Nick piped up. I stared at him. Five pair of eyes stared at me.

"Me?" I squeaked. I cleared my throat and drank some apple juice. "I’m the interviewer, not the interviewee.

"Quid pro quo," Kevin said. "You ask…we get to ask."

I was in a momentary state of shock, both from the question and the fact that Kevin Richardson used the phrase quid pro quo.  "Well, I’m seeing someone, but it’s an off again on again thing. He kinda has someone else…and doesn’t see things the way I do," I finished. That summed up the relationship I had with Greg, but didn’t give anything away.

"What kind of guy are you into?" Howie asked. Blue, green, and brown eyes still watched me expectantly. "People ask us what type of girl we like all the time."

"Well…" I thought for a moment. This seemed like a harmless question. "He HAS to be intelligent…has to be able to link two intelligent thoughts together."

"That leaves you out, Nick," AJ said. Nick opened his mouth to say something.

"And he has to be REALLY considerate of other people’s feelings," I was quick to interject. "Compassionate enough to cry at a sappy movie, but strong enough to support me when I need him."

"But what about physically?" Nosy Howie persisted.

"I don’t have a ‘perfect’ man, physically. I like eyes…they truly are the windows to the soul." I left out the most important part.  My perfect man was one that was single.

"You ARE coming to the show tonight, aren’t you?" Brian changed the subject. "You can learn a lot about us by watching us on stage," he pointed out. I started to decline, but changed my mind. I was NOT going to spend another night by the phone.

"Sure…I’ll tag along." I stood. "I’m gonna go jot down some stuff onto my laptop, and then I’m going shopping. I guess I’ll see you for supper."

"One thing." AJ grabbed my arm. "You might want to dress a little more…"

"You might want to dress cooler," Howie finished for him. "It gets hot in the arenas."

I smiled and said nothing, just turned and walked away.

I did as I said I was going to do. I put all my thoughts and observations about the last day and a half into my desktop, then went out to shop. It was a relatively sunny day, and it was nice walking through the small downtown area of University Park, where the campus of Penn State University was located. There were many quaint shops, and I bought cute knickknacks and jewelry for my sisters and mother. I stopped in front of a snazzy clothing boutique, my attention totally consumed by the dress in the window. It was cut to about three inches above the knee, with an ever-so-slightly-flared skirt. It was my "signature color", midnight blue, and a sheer strip ran from the left shoulder down to the right hip. The dress fastened behind the neck, and there was virtually no back. I had nowhere to wear this dress…no reason to splurge on it, but some unreasonable voice in my head told me to go into the boutique.

Ten minutes later I walked out with the dress, and shoes and handbag to match. I sighed, looking at my watch. I hated being alone. It was lunchtime. I had seen a fun looking diner a few blocks back, and turned in that direction. A hand grabbed my arm while another went over my mouth. I was dragged into an alley. "Don’t scream," I was instructed. I brought an elbow back into my captor’s side. "Oof!" Air was let out of lungs and I was released. I whirled around.

"Dammit, Nickolas Carter!" I almost shrieked. "You scared the fucking shit out of me!"

"The icewoman melts!" A voice said behind me. I turned to see AJ. "Not so loud, Silver…we’re trying to remain unnoticed."

I looked at his big hat and sunglasses and had to smile. Nick was still bent over in pain, so I couldn’t see his face. "Oh, get up, you big baby," I said. "It didn’t hurt that much."

"Yes, it did!" Nick whined. He looked up, and I saw that his short hair was neatly tucked under a fishing-style hat, and he wore sunglasses as well. "I was just trying to surprise you."

"Do you always go around grabbing strange women in alleys?" I snapped, unable to keep from smiling at the pathetic painful look on his face.

"You’re not a stranger." AJ threw an arm around my shoulder. "Where were you off to? Lunch?"

"Yes."

"Cool. Let’s plow." He steered me in the direction of the diner, with a still-whining Nick following.

That lunch was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. My icy façade kept slipping…I kept allowing myself to smile and laugh at the antics of the youngest Backstreet Boys. "I didn’t expect you two to hang out much," I said finally.

"Most people don’t. We get on each other’s nerves a lot, but there are things we understand about each other that no one else does," AJ told me.

"We can be crazy together…people expect it," Nick told me.

"Don’t you ever wanna be serious?" I asked. Nick sobered.

"People don’t know what to do with me when I’m serious."

No one takes me seriously, Backstreet Boy complains. I frowned at the headline of the file on my computer. It was almost dinnertime, and I had been pounding away at the computer for a few hours. Gregory continually paged me, but I continually ignored him, until the phone finally rang.

"Dammit, Silver, where the hell are you?" Greg snapped.

"Well, you found me in the hotel room, so you figure it out, Sherlock." I stood and stretched.

"You KNOW what I mean. Where have you been?"

"I’ve been here all the time. Working."

"Oh, okay, sorry I interrupted," he said quickly. "Get anything good?"

"Greg, couldn’t you get someone else? I mean, I’m a fiction writer," I whined.

"That’s the point, Baby. Get what you can, and what you can’t quite prove…make up." He said a few more things, then hung up.

"You’re gonna hate me," I whispered to my Millennium CD. "You are all so wonderful…and you’re gonna hate me."

"This SO sucks…" Brian was moaning as I reached the table.

"What’s up?" I asked, setting down my plate. It was piled as high as Nick’s. When I was depressed, I shopped or listened to loud music. When I was stressed, I ate.

"Didn’t management tell you?" Kevin asked.

"I try to delete their emails before I read them," I said. Howie and Brian burst out laughing.

"Good call," Howie told me.

"After Albany on Tuesday, we have to drive to New York for some big Jive party," Kevin explained. "We’d really rather have the extra day in Charlotte, but we have to go."

"A party?" I asked.

"A wine and dine, schmooze with the other artists kinda thing," Nick explained.

"NSync is with your management, aren’t they?" I mused. Kevin frowned.

"Yes, and contrary to our differences and what people say, we don’t fight every time we see them."

"Oh, I didn’t say you did!" I was quick to assure him, though it would make one helluva chapter.

"You could invite your boyfriend," AJ suggested. I frowned, and suddenly wasn’t hungry.

"No…I’m sure he’s busy."

My seat was up almost in the top row of the arena, but I didn’t care. This show was amazing…like nothing I had ever seen…like nothing I had expected. The guys were everywhere...and they never seemed to stop. And the screams of the girls around me were almost contagious. I took a lot of notes based on what people around me said. It ended up that many girls talked about and discussed the guys online, in different chat rooms and list groups. I made a mental note to check into this area.

After the concert was over, I scurried out with the other thousands of fans, and made my way to the car that was waiting for me. With all the traffic, it seemed like I would never get to the hotel that was situated only a few miles away. I was out of my jeans and T-shirt and into my pajamas in about five minutes. I put some Dave Matthews Band into my tiny CD player, and got comfy in front of the computer.

Hmmmm….interesting. At a place called onelist.com, you could create a list about virtually everything. Tattoos, relationships, cars…and Backstreet Boys. I joined at list with automatic approval, and was soon reading archives of fanfiction and fantasies. If I get blacklisted because of this book, I can always write online, I told myself. This site seemed to be primarily visited by girls at least twenty or older, with a few younger than that. Seeing the types of emails on this list gave me an idea. I called Greg’s cellphone, but he didn’t answer. Sighing, I called his voicemail and left a message.

I closed down the computer and went to brush my teeth. A knock at the door made me choke on my toothbrush. I looked out, then opened the door a crack. "AJ?"

"Hey…Silver…we’re heading out. Come along!"

"AJ…it’s almost midnight…I’m in my pajamas."

"Oh…throw on some jeans. You HAVE to own jeans."

My heart dropped slightly. My façade was working…he thought I was some old fuddy duddy. "AJ…no…I’m going to bed.  See you tomorrow!" I shut the door in his face. I turned around, ran to the bed, and once again cried myself to sleep.

I didn’t expect to see Kevin or Howie working out the next morning, since we would be hopping onto the bus immediately after breakfast. Usually the guys piled onto the busses soon after the concert was over, but something had come up and they stayed an extra night.

I was halfway into my routine when I heard voices in the gym. I recognized Kevin’s dark rumbling tones, so I figured Howie was with him. I finished my workout and headed through the machines, not planning on talking.

"So…ready to get to know us REALLY well?" Kevin called from the fly machine. I sighed and turned around.

"On the bus," Howie added. "It’s close quarters so you’ll get to know us all REAL good."

"I hadn’t thought about that," I realized. "Where will I sleep?"

"Well, the drive to Albany isn’t that long. We’ll crash there tonight and tomorrow night, and then we’ll be in New York. The one sofa opens up into a bed, so I guess you’ll be sleeping there," Kevin informed me.

"Great," I said faintly.

"We’re total gentlemen, I promise," Kevin replied, with a teasing gleam in his eye that surprised me.

"Unless you don’t want us to be," Howie added, smiling. I blushed crimson and quickly made my way out of the gym.

I was in front of the hotel an hour later, sitting on my suitcase, waiting for the guys to come down and get onto the busses.  About fifty girls were being held back by security guards, and many of them were giving me angry glares. I was giving my cellphone an angry glare, since it was not working, as usual. Screams suddenly became deafening as a phone was shoved in my face.

"Here. Use mine," AJ said, then went over to begin signing autographs. I moved to a semi-quiet corner near the door, and dialed Greg’s cellphone.

"Greg! Finally!" I said. "Did you get my message?"

"Yes, I did. I’m not sure I quite understand," he replied. "What’s all that noise?"

"Oh, I’m in front of the hotel and we’re getting ready to leave. AJ is…oops…I mean AJ and Brian are signing autographs and the girls are freaking. Anyway, about my idea. You should see these lists, Greg! These aren’t just teenyboppers. These are grown women. It would be great, don’t you think?"

"What exactly is your idea again?"

"Pick five of them and bring them to meet the guys. They could maybe spend a couple of days with us, and I could observe how they treat their fans in a normal circumstance."

"Who would pay for this?" Greg demanded.

"Well…uh…I thought you could work something out with Jive and…" I faltered.

"I’ll see what I can do. I have to go, Silver."

"Wait!" I said quickly. "I love you!"

"Okay…bye."

I hung up dejectedly as Nick, Kevin, and Howie came barreling through the door. Kevin saw me out of the corner of his eye.  "You okay, Silver?"

"Yes…fine," I replied. I started to pick up my bags, but Howie easily grabbed them all and carried them to the bus.

"You sure?" Kevin stopped me, putting a hand on my shoulder. I swallowed deeply, wanting nothing more than to cry on someone’s shoulder. "Boyfriend problems?"

"Something like that," was all I would say. I gave a weak smile and followed the guys to the bus.

I settled down on the corner of a couch, and pulled out my laptop. I was soon deep into a brainstorm about bringing these fans to spend time with the Backstreet Boys. I thought it was a great idea. They could meet them, hang with them, and it would show what the guys really thought of their fans. It would also give me a great chance for observation without the threat of them asking ME more questions. A cellphone rang and we all dug in our bags and pockets. "Mine," I said triumphantly. "Hello?"

"Baby, they LOVE it. Totally go with this meeting the fan thing," Greg said. "I’m so proud of you…what a fantastic idea! And if you can catch one of them like REALLY being an asshole, that would be even better!"

"They’re not monsters," I pointed out angrily. "This is NOT why I took this assignment!"

"Silver, you know what’s expected of you," Greg snapped, then seemed to think better of it. "Remember…total freedom for your next book…and total freedom for us."

"I’m just sick of all the sneaking around, honey!" I whimpered in a whisper.

"Me too…I’ll see you in Charlotte, okay? Love you."

"Yeah…me too," I said sadly, pushing ‘end’.

The bus had gotten strangely quiet. Even Kevin and Nick had stopped arguing over watching TV versus playing video games.  "Were you guys listening to my conversation?" I asked angrily.

"Not really," Nick mumbled.

"Look, Silver…we know you don’t like us much, maybe don’t even respect what we do," AJ began, sitting next to me. "But we like you, and you seemed so down when we got on the bus, and even now."

"And we have a question," Brian said, shifting uncomfortably.

"And if you say yes, we TOTALLY respect that," Howie added.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you gay? I mean, are you a lesbian?" AJ asked me, taking my hand. "If you are, that’s fine, but we want you to know you don’t have to try to hide it from us." I stared at him. My mouth must have hit the ground with a thud. I burst out laughing, laughing so hard tears ran down my face. They looked at each other in confusion.

"Well…you didn’t say much about a boyfriend, and you talked about sneaking around just now," Howie defended them. Nick handed me a tissue to wipe the tears off my face.

"My life is a soap opera right now, yes, but I can ASSURE you that I am no lesbian," I told them. "I can understand why you thought that…and thanks for caring." I sighed. "And I DO like you, and I have GREAT respect for what you do, I promise.  There’s just…a lot going on in my life that makes me have to keep my distance, okay? Don’t think I don’t like you…all of you…it’s not like that at all," I assured them. They nodded, and Nick grabbed the game controller.

"I don’t think so, Carter," Kevin replied. "We are watching TV."

They continued to bicker while Howie read a magazine and Brian wrote in his journal. AJ stayed beside me. "You look like shit," he remarked.

"Thanks," I said, sticking out my tongue. He rolled with laughter. He suddenly grabbed my laptop from me. "Oh my God…Alexander McLean, give that back!" I yelled, horrified. "That is so NOT funny."

"Then save it and close it," he ordered, giving me a look that meant business. I did as he asked, carefully saving my work with the security password. He took the laptop back and set it aside. He slid to the end of the sofa, placing a pillow next to him on                the seat. He tossed me a blanket. "Sleep. Now. We don’t need you any bitchier then usual."

I started to reply, then stretched out beside him. To my surprise, Kevin came over and covered me with the blanket. "You’re right, you know," he told me softly. "We’re not monsters."

We rolled into Albany, New York, in the afternoon. As we drove through the town, I saw all the hearts in the store windows, and realized that the next day was Valentine’s Day. I wondered if I’d hear from Greg. I wondered if he’d even think of me. I wondered where they’d go for dinner.

"Silver…wake up." Brian snapped his fingers in front of my face. "We’re at the hotel." I came back to reality and looked out the window. We were in back of a hotel, trying to make it inside and upstairs as quickly as possible. "Just follow us," he told me.

We scurried out of the bus, struggling with our knapsacks and carry-on bags. AJ grabbed my laptop from where he had left it on the table. I grabbed it from him, not wanting it out of my site. "Jeez…you’re pretty protective of that thing," he teased. "Must be one helluva story you’re writing."

"You can say that again," I said softly, my heart falling into my shoes.

"HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, ALBANY!" Kevin yelled to the screaming fans the next day. This only made them scream louder. I sat back in my seat, pouting. Here I was, sitting through night after night of deafening screams, writing stuff that was only half true, and the man I was doing it for couldn’t even call me on Valentine’s Day. I hadn’t left the hotel all day long, waiting by the phone for Greg’s call, since I didn’t trust my cellphone. I checked my pager every ten minutes, changing the batteries three times. I had finally given up. In my misery, I hadn’t even paid attention to my outfit, and it was halfway through the concert before I noticed I actually had a tshirt and jeans on. Who cares, I thought. No one…that’s who.

                This time there was no knock on my door. This time it was a phone call. "Hello!" I answered the phone eagerly.

"Silver, this is AJ. Get your ass into some jeans and out into the hall. We’re going out and YOU are going with us."

"AJ, I can’t do that," I sighed, trying not to let my disappointment show.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I already have jeans on." I couldn’t help it. I had to say it.

"Fuck you," he said cheerfully. "Get your jeans-clad ass out into the hallway, wench!" He hung up, and I couldn’t help but laugh.  Only AJ McLean could say fuck you and make it sound like the biggest compliment. I got up and ran to change into a nicer shirt.

"You DO have legs!" AJ commented as I walked out of my room. I jumped. All five of them were standing in the corridor waiting for me.

"And nice ones, too," Nick added shyly. I blushed furiously.

"How long were you gonna wait out here?" I asked as we went to the elevator.

"About fifteen more minutes, and then we were gonna start pounding on the door," Howie told me.

"We have a surprise for you!" Brian said. Nick was wriggling in excitement.

I gasped. "For me?"

"Yep…a valentine surprise. You’re gonna love it when you see…" Brian clapped his hand over Nick’s mouth.

"Valentine?" I was confused.

"If this guy was any kind of man, he’d at least call you and not leave you moping in your room all day," Kevin said kindly. My eyes misted over. The man I gave my body to on a regular basis, the one that supposedly loved me, he couldn’t find two seconds to call. These men who hardly knew me, whose lives I was hired to ruin, were taking me out for Valentine’s Day.

"Thanks," I said quietly, willing the tears not to fall. We ran down the service corridor and out to the waiting minivan. "A minivan?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

"Would YOU expect the Backstreet Boys to show up at a club in a minivan?" Brian asked me.

"Um…guess not," I replied. I decided to start planting the seeds of my idea. "What would you say about meeting some fans?"

"I hate to tell you, Sil, but we meet them every day." AJ poked me in the arm.

"Sil?"

"AJ gives everyone nicknames. We can’t repeat ours in front of a lady," Kevin told me, glaring at AJ.

"You are Sil…silly Sil," AJ told me. I rolled my eyes.

"ANYWAY…I was surfing around on the net, and happened upon these mailing lists that are totally devoted to you guys. A lot of them are fanfiction sites."

"I’ve seen them," Howie told me. The guys stared at him. "What? I’m online late at night sometimes."

"Anyway, I joined this one list that is pretty much girls and women eighteen and over. Actually, most of them are in their twenties and thirties. I thought we could pick five of them and bring them to one of the towns…maybe Raleigh and/or Atlanta, and they could hang with you." Five faces stared at me like I had grown another eye in the middle of my forehead. "Come on…I promise they won’t freak on you…and if they do, you have my permission to punch them."

"We’d never hit a fan!" Brian said indignantly.

"Chill…I was kidding," I said. "I just think it would be neat for me to see how you interact with fans who think they know so much about you. I also think it would be interesting to see how they handle the real men versus the Backstreet Boys the media shows them."

"I trust you," Howie said slowly. "I think it could be interesting."

"I’m game," Nick said. AJ nodded.

"It could be interesting," Kevin agreed.

"I’ll go along with it," Brian said as the van pulled to a stop in front of a club.

"But this is all on you if they freak," Kevin said. "All you."

"Fine…fine…" I sighed as we climbed out.

Howie grabbed my hand as we made our way through the crowd. "We called ahead!" He yelled back to me. He led me through the club to a private room in the back. There were already six or seven people in the room. I recognized one of them and stopped short. "Come on." Howie tugged at my hand.

"I can’t…ohmygod…I can’t…I look like shit…my hair is a mess…I look like Orca in these jeans!" I wailed in a whisper. "I’m gonna go hide now."

Howie laughed and pulled me into the room. "Yo! Chris! Over here!"

A man with dark brown hair looked to see who was calling him. "Howie D!" He walked over, smiling at me as well.

"Chris Kirkpatrick, this is Silver Mulholland. She’s doing a book on us."

"You guys are getting ANOTHER book written about you? Isn’t that stuff old yet?" Chris said with a smile. "Hi, Silver. Gorgeous name."

"Th-thank you," I mumbled, turning all kinds of beet red. "Would you excuse me a minute?"

"No." Chris grabbed my hand so I wouldn’t go. "Tell me, Ms. Mulholland…which Backstreet Boy is YOUR favorite?"

"Forget it, Chris," Brian said as he walked over. "She prefers Nsync." He rolled his eyes.

"Do you really?" Chris said, his voice rising to almost a squeal. "Cool."

"And she’s not just any writer. She’s a REAL writer," Brian informed him. "She writes novels and everything. This book is gonna be different."

"So, tell me, Ms. Mulholland." Chris started again. "Which Nsyncr is YOUR favorite?"

I blushed as the three men looked at me. "Um…uh…" I knew EXACTLY who my favorite was, but I wasn’t about to tell them. I was twenty-seven years old, and far from admitting that my secret crush was…

"And who is this you guys are talking to?" I heard a deep voice behind me and whirled around. I looked straight into smiling blue eyes. "Hi…I’m Lance."

I knew I was an intelligent person. I had a college degree. Not one intelligent thought seemed to spring to my mind at that moment, however. I took the hand he outstretched and shook it, mesmerized by his killer smile. I felt Howie pinch me in the back. "Silver," I said quickly. "Silver Mulholland."

"The writer," Lance noted.

"You know her?" Chris raised an eyebrow.

"I’m not an idiot, Chris," Lance said to him. He smiled at me. "I’ve read a few of your books. They’re all over those bookstores at the airports." I blushed slightly. I regained my composure, and stood up a bit straighter.

"Would you gentlemen excuse me? Powdering my nose and all." I turned before they could reply and rushed out of the room, bumping right into Justin Timberlake.

"Sorry, Justin!" I called over my shoulder as I hurried to the ladies’ room.

"No problem," he called back.

I stared at my reflection. My hair was up in a ponytail at the moment. Would they notice if I took it down? Would it look like I was trying to improve my appearance because of Lance? Of course it would, dummy, I told myself. I smoothed down my shirt, turned this way and that, and finally decided to pull down the ponytail. My long hair flowed down past my shoulders. I dug through my bag and quickly found my brush. I brushed my hair until it shone, and quickly spritzed on some perfume that I found as well. I took a deep breath and looked at the girl in the mirror.

"Happy Valentine’s Day," I told her. "To hell with Gregory." I left the bathroom, feeling only slightly guilty about the fact that I had forgotten about Gregory until that moment. As I walked back to the private room, my pager went off. I looked at the number. Gregory. Well…he could wait. I turned the pager off as I entered the room.

"Silver." Chris grabbed me once more. "This is Justin, Joey, and JC," he told me.

"I know. Hi." I shook their hands.

"We met at the door," Justin said, his eyes twinkling.

"Something to drink, Silver?" Kevin wandered over, looking almost jealous of the fact that I was surrounded by four-fifths of Nsync.

"Um…wine cooler…berry, preferably," I told him.

"Chris here says you’re doing a grown-up book about the Backstreet Boys," JC said. I laughed at his choice of words, trying not to think about the true story behind the book.

"You could call it that," I said. Kevin returned with my drink. "Thanks." He remained on the outskirts of our group. My eyes wandered, finding Lance’s blond head. He was talking to some girl I hadn’t seen before. I gritted my teeth and continued. "You                guys all get along, I see. Those rumors aren’t true?"

"Well, we do kinda resent the fact that they steal all our ideas before we get to act upon them," Kevin began. Justin punched him in the arm.

"Yes, we get along, even though every five minutes they accuse us of being their shadows," Justin replied. Kevin punched HIM.

"Sil, are you ready to dance?" I felt an arm go around my waist.

"Maybe she doesn’t LIKE dancing, AJ," Kevin pointed out. I was sure that his opinion was based on how I had acted up until this point. I was ready to prove him wrong. I put on an innocent face.

"I don’t know if I can keep up with you, AJ."

"I’ll go easy on you, I promise," he told me. "Later, boys." He guided me out of the room and down to the dance floor, where I quickly proved to him that I could easily keep up. "Daymn, woman, you didn’t say you could groove like me!" He yelled over the music.

"You didn’t ask!" I yelled back, laughing. No one could truly groove like AJ. The music changed to a dirty dancing type song, with a deep bass line thumping behind the sultry guitar melody. I felt hands on my waist, and a body pressed up against my back. "Nick, you’re lucky I didn’t elbow you again," I said.

"Guess again." I didn’t have to turn around once I heard that voice near my ear. I said nothing, but began to dance with Lance when he moved against me. I felt his warm breath on my neck as he brushed my hair to the side. "Mmm. You smell good."

"Th-thank you," I said. AJ smiled and moved away to dance with a sexy-looking girl to my left.

"You disappeared when I wanted to talk to you," Lance said reprovingly.

"You looked busy," I said before I thought.

"Not too busy to talk to you." His hands slid up and down my legs.

"Are you always this much of a smooth-talker?" I bantered, not believing how he was flirting with me. He turned me around. His blue eyes made everything else a blur.

"Are you?"

"I’m kinda…seeing someone." I thought I should be honest.

"Is he here now?"

"No."

"Will he be here anytime soon?"

"No."

"Is it very very serious?"

"N….no."

"Okay, then." He put his arms around my waist, pulling me to him.

"I never pictured you to be this much of a flirt," I told him. He laughed out loud.

"I’m not. You just make it easy, I guess," he sighed. I laughed also, and put my arms around his neck.

"What are you guys doing here, anyway?"

"We’re here for that Jive thing. Are you going?"

"I…I guess so. More story material," I replied.

"Wanna go with me?" I stopped dancing. No…I hadn’t just heard that. Lance Bass did NOT just ask me on a date. "Well? Is the idea of a date with me that revolting?"

Yes…he DID just say that. He put the words "date with me" all in the same sentence, directed at me. "No, of course not…I was just surprised, that’s all. You don’t even know me."

"Isn’t that what a date is for, to get to know someone?"

"Yes…I guess it is." I smiled.

"So…yes or no?" He tapped his foot, pretending to be impatient.

"Oh! Yes! Of course!"

"Excellent." He pulled me back into his arms as the music slowed down.

I stumbled in my door at three in the morning. I didn’t stumble because I was intoxicated…I stumbled because I was exhausted.  I was NOT used to keeping such late hours. I was also not used to dancing and grooving with people like Nsync and the Backstreet Boys. They danced for a living, and in AJ and Justin’s cases, they seemed to dance to live. I realized as I fell onto the bed without turning lights on that I was WAY too old for this. I FELT old…Lance was seven years younger than I was.  What was I thinking? I felt a goofy smile cross my face as I realized what exactly I WAS thinking. I took a deep breath…then another. What was that smell? I turned on the bedside lamp and gasped. Three dozen pink roses filled my room. I ran over to find a card.

"Wish I could be there. Happy V-Day, Baby. All my love…Gregory." I sighed, tears filling my eyes. How sweet. He really DID care. The phone rang, shaking me out of my trance.

"Hello?"

"Well it’s about fucking time! Where the hell have you been? Why didn’t you answer my pages?"

"Dad?" I asked in amusement.

"Ha ha you’re funny," Gregory snapped. "I have been trying and trying to get a hold of you. Why didn’t you answer my pages?"

"Oh…did you page me? It must’ve gotten turned off somehow." I bent down to untie my shoes.

"Where were you, Silver?"

"I’m a grown-up, Greg. I don’t have to answer to you," I answered with newfound bravado.

"I’m still your boss…a situation that could change at any time."

"Are you threatening me, Greg?" I sat up straight.

"Of course not," he said soothingly. "I was just worried. Did you get my flowers?"

"I did. They are gorgeous," I told him.

"I remembered that pink roses were your favorite," he said proudly. My heart sank. White roses were my favorite, not pink. "It was kinda hard to get to the florist to have them sent, but I managed." He sighed. "I’ve been thinking of you all day, Silver. I miss you so much."

Was that a tear in his voice? "Oh, Greg, I missed you, too," I said, realizing that I HAD missed him…most of the time.

"So, where were you really?"

"Out with the guys and Nsync," I said before I thought. I realized immediately that I should have kept my mouth shut.

"Out? As in out at a club out?" Greg said. I could hear the shock in his voice.

"Um…yes…just for a few hours. AJ was bugging me to go and…"

"Great! Did they fight? Call each other names? Act like jerks towards each other?" Greg asked eagerly.

"Uh...no…they were quite buddy-buddy, actually," I replied, remembering the AJ McLean/Lance Bass sandwich I had been in on the dance floor just an hour before. "They got along fine."

"What was Nsync doing there, anyway?"

"There’s this big shindig for Jive Records in New York on Wednesday. I was sure you knew about it."

"I did…I forgot," he said evasively. I smiled to myself, realizing that the publishing firm had neglected to tell him. "You should try to get an invitation. A lot of good material could come out of this. Maybe I could come up to escort you…" he said thoughtfully.

"No!" I said quickly. "I mean…it’s not necessary, Greg. I already had an invitation from the guys, and I…I already have a date." I held my breath.

"You do?" Was that jealousy in his tone? "With who?"

"Lance Bass…from Nsync."

"Oh, that’s nice." I heard something in his voice that made me frown. Obviously he didn’t see Lance as any kind of threat.

"Did you have a nice Valentine’s Day?" I said rudely.

"Yes…I guess I did."

"Did you and Valerie have a nice dinner? Did you have a nice long fuck afterwards?" I shouted.

"That is NONE of your business, Silver. I am married, yes, and I had to take my wife out to dinner for Valentine’s Day. But I love you…it’s you I saw the whole time…you who I wanted to be with…"

"Tell me, Greg, did you call MY name when you came? Did you collapse onto her chest like you collapse onto mine?" I yelled, all wound up now. "I am SO tired of being lonely and miserable!"

"I’m miserable, too, Baby, and I feel lonely all the time," he insisted. Like a fool, I began to let his sweet words wash over me like a warm bath. "When I went to the florist today, I walked by the jewelry store and saw the PERFECT ring for you. It’s a diamond solitaire surrounded by tiny sapphires. What do you think?"

"A ring…for me? It sounds perfect," I gushed.

"That’s what I thought. Next time I go by there, I’ll pick it up for you." I heard him yawn. "Baby…it’s late. I have to go to bed.  I love you very much."

"I love you, too, Greg," I sighed. We hung up, and I made myself get up and change into pajamas, humming as I stopped to smell my flowers every few minutes. Pink roses…white roses…who the hell cared when they were soon to be followed by a sapphire ring?

"Silver! Silver!" I heard someone pounding on my door.

"No…Mom…five more minutes…" I mumbled into my pillow.

"Silly Silver!" Another voice sang out. "Get that ass to the door!"

I groaned, realizing who at least ONE of the people was. I tripped over to the door, still half-wrapped in the blankets. I peeped out. Nick and AJ were in front of my door, making silly faces into the peephole. I opened the door one crack. "It is seven-thirty. You kept me out until three. What the HELL are you doing up?"

"Just saying hi," Nick said cheerfully. I noticed they were still wearing their clothes from the night before.

"You’re just getting back now?" I shrieked.

"No…we’ve been back, just haven’t slept," AJ informed me. "Just wanted to say sweet dreams and all."

"You are SO going to pay for this," I told them, glaring at them. "Just wait until you see the chapter I write about THIS. I’ll see you at the arena around lunchtime." I shut the door in their faces and went back to bed.

"Thanks," I said gratefully to the security guard as he held the door for me. My hands were full of bags and cups. I had gotten orders from one of the crew as to what the guys liked, and had stopped at a deli to get them lunch.

"Silver’s here!" Kevin sang into one of the microphones.

"Is that lunch?" Howie said happily. Howie, Kevin, and Brian came running towards me. Howie quickly relieved me of most of my burden. AJ and Nick slowly made their way over, obviously in need of more sleep.

"Girl, we KNOW you have a body under there…why can’t you just show it?" Brian asked in exasperation, surprising me.

"Well…I…" I stammered, looking down at my baggy sweatshirt and baggier jeans.

"She’s here to do a job, Cuz, not flash her body at us," Kevin reminded him, winking at me behind Brian’s back.

"I want to know about the roses," Howie said with his mouth full.

"What roses?" Nick asked, sitting on the edge of the stage.

"I heard the desk clerk talking about three dozen pink roses that were delivered to our author’s room yesterday," Howie told them. I blushed slightly.

"He came through after all," Kevin said.

"Right," I said, smiling weakly. "Would you guys mind if I sat out tonight’s show? I really have some stuff I need to get down. It will be pretty much the same stuff, right?"

"Well, there’s one song we’re thinking of adding." AJ looked to the other guys for approval. "But, we could just do it after lunch, and then you wouldn’t miss it."

"Cool," I said.

"Just remember to be outside around eleven. We’re leaving right after the concert this time," Kevin reminded me. I nodded.

The guys quickly inhaled their lunch, and I settled down a few rows back with a tuna pita. "This is in honor of our pal, Sil, because she hasn’t heard it yet," AJ announced. I rolled my eyes.

"Once we were lovers

Lovers we were

Oh what a lie

Once we were dreamers

Dreamers we were

You and I

Now I see you’re just somebody that wastes all my time

And money

What a lie

You and I

What about your ten thousand promises

That you gave to me

Your ten thousand promises

That you promised me

Once I could handle the truth when the truth was

You and I

But time after time all the promises turned out to be your lies

Now I see I’m just somebody who wasted my time

And money

What a lie

You and I

What about your ten thousand promises

That you gave to me

Your ten thousand promises

That you promised me

You said I’ll take you back

But I closed the door

Cuz I don’t want

Ten thousand more

What about your ten thousand promises

That you gave to me

Your ten thousand promises

That you promised me

Once we were lovers

Just lovers we were

Oh you and I

What a lie…"

I threw down my sandwich and ran to the back of the arena, not wanting them to see me cry. "Silver!" I heard Nick yell into the microphone. "Silver, come back!"

I ran out of the main arena and made it around the corner before I had to lean on the wall as I sobbed. That’s what it was…promises…promises always broken…dinner dates not kept…calls that were never made…but what about all the good things? The ring that he told me he’d buy…was that a broken promise, too? I heard footsteps and turned away from them.

"Sil…Silver." I felt AJ’s arms go around me.

"Go away, Alex! I don’t want to talk about it!" I yelled, struggling against him. He was small, but he was strong, and I was soon crying on his shoulder.

"Were we so bad?" AJ asked. I had to smile through my tears.

"No…not at all…it was perfect. I just…it just…it hit me down deep somewhere."

"You can talk to me, Sil." He pulled back to look at me. "Any time…about anything. As much as I talk…I’m a great listener." I nodded.

"White roses are my favorite," I said finally. "He couldn’t even remember that."

"I see." He didn’t say much more, then he hugged me again. "Alex…no one seems to call me that anymore. I like it."

"That’s what we’ll title your autobiography," I decided. "Call me Alex."

He laughed and gave me a squeeze. "Classic."

That night, I skipped dinner with the guys and holed up in my room with a huge grilled chicken salad from room service. I couldn’t face the guys after running out of the arena, even though AJ told me he’d make up an explanation. "I’ll tell them you’re not feeling well," he had told me. "Our singing just made you ill." He had received a small smile in response to that. In all actuality, I wasn’t feeling very well. I seemed to go from boiling to freezing in a matter of minutes.

I sat down at my laptop and checked my email. I smiled with satisfaction. Earlier that day, I had sent out emails to the five people I had chosen for the little meet and greet thing I was cooking up. I knew they probably wouldn’t know who the hell I was, so I gave them my name and email, as well as Gregory’s name, email, and voicemail number as my manager. There were five emails in my box, saying yes, they’d talk to me on the phone, and giving me the best times to reach all of them. I checked my watch. It was almost seven. The one girl lived in Oregon, which made it four o’clock there. I went to the special phone the hotel had given me, and dialed them one by one. I was in luck. They were all home.

"Good evening, ladies. It’s Silver Mulholland. I have five of you on the line in a conference call, so if the connection sounds weird, that’s why." They all said hi in cautious tones. "Okay…just so you know…I got your names from one of the lists you are all on, so you might even know each other." I checked my notes. "Kayla and Shae from Alabama, Ari from Maryland, Kelley from Minnesota, and Amanda from Oregon." I heard slight gasps, and realized that they DID know one another. "You’re probably wondering what the hell this is all about. Well, I’m touring with the Backstreet Boys, getting information for a book. I assume you all contacted my publisher and manager?" I heard mumbled yesses. "Okay, then. I thought it would be interesting to see how the guys would get along with fans that were around on a daily basis, so I was looking to see if you would want to come on tour with us in Texas, from February twenty-eight to March fourth." There was silence on every line.

"You’re serious?" A voice asked.

"Could you identify yourself, please?"

"This is Kelley," she said. "Are you serious? You want us to come on tour and hang out…just like that?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Why…this is Kayla. Why us?"

"Because I’ve been looking at a bunch of sites, and you guys have a mature attitude while still loving the guys. They are doing this on the condition that the fans I choose don’t freak out. If you accept this offer, you CANNOT go crazy over them whenever you’re with them."

"This is Amanda. What about when we’re NOT with them…can we go crazy then?" Everyone laughed, myself included.

"Yes, of course you can," I told her.

"I don’t know about the rest of you, but hell, yes, I’m in!" A voice shouted. "This is Ari."

"This is Shae…I don’t know if I have the money to fly out there and back," she said worriedly.

"Don’t worry. All flights and accommodations are being taken care of by my publisher and the Boys’ management."

"Oh, well, then, count me in!" Shae shrieked. The others were quick to give their consent, and I promised to email them with the rest of the information as soon as possible. I hung up, smiling in satisfaction. I dialed Greg’s cellphone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, sweetie, it’s me."

"Yes, Silver, how are you?" Greg’s tone changed, and I knew he wasn’t alone.

"I’m fine, Gregory, just fine…laying around in my motel room, all alone…all naked." I made a big show of stretching loudly into the phone.

"I’m quite busy now, Silver. What can I do for you?"

"I talked to the five girls from the Internet, and they’re very into coming out here. You’ll arrange everything and get the tickets to them, right?"

"Yes, I’ll take care of everything. I’ll get back to you soon." He hung up.

I hung up also, willing the tears not to fall.

At ten after eleven I was sitting out back by the bus, waiting for the driver to come out and let me onboard. I was feeling more miserable than ever. I had on old sneakers, a sweatshirt, and sweatpants, and I was still freezing.

"Hey you." I slowly turned around to see AJ striding towards me. He stopped short, then reached out to feel my forehead.  "Holy shit…you really ARE sick."

"No shit, Sherlock!" I snapped. I was sick and lonely and miserable, and didn’t mind taking it out on him. Then I felt bad. "I’m sorry, Alex. I just feel awful. Maybe I should take the train to New York. I don’t want you guys to get this."

"Nonsense," AJ said soothingly. "You’re riding on that bus with us. Dr. AJ will take good care of you." I had to laugh, even though it made my head hurt.

The other guys soon came out. I stood up shakily, my teeth chattering. Without a word, Howie and Nick each grabbed a suitcase, Howie took my backpack, and Kevin scooped me up into his arms and carried me to the bus. "Kevin Richardson, put me down!" I shrieked. "This is so embarrassing!"

"Put her down here," AJ ordered, motioning to his bunk.

"No, AJ, I will NOT sleep there!" I told him. "I don’t want to give you my germs. Please, Kevin, let me sleep on my sofabed. I probably won’t sleep much anyway," I pointed out. Kevin nodded and gently set me down on the sofabed. AJ sat at one end, Nick at the other, and AJ put my head on his lap, with a pillow for extra padding. Nick wrapped an extra blanket around my feet, and surprisingly enough, I started to warm up.

"My mom always does that to me," he explained bashfully.

"You guys are the best…thanks so much," I whispered.

"Make sure this gets in your book," Howie said jokingly. I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about that damned book any longer.

"How about some soothing sleep music?" Brian suggested, going to their CD rack. "Anything special you want, Silver?"

"I have some CDs in my bag…you could pick one of those," I told him. Kevin opened the bag and began to paw through the CDs. He looked up at me.

"You like Korn?"

"It’s my ultra-depressed music. If you hear me listening to "Freak on a Leash", you know I’m almost suicidal," I joked.

"Let’s watch a video or something," Nick suggested, turning on the TV before Kevin could stop him. "Oh…a Disney movie! Mulan."

"Leave that on," I told him. "If you guys don’t mind."

They promised they didn’t mind, and we began to watch Mulan. One by one the guys fell asleep, except for Nick, who seemed totally engrossed in the movie. Every once in a while, he would massage my feet to make sure I stayed warm. I sighed. The only thing that would make this better would be if it was Greg’s lap that I was snuggled up on.

"I love this song," Nick commented softly as Mulan stepped up to a mirror.

"Look at me

You may think you see who I really am

But you’ll never know me

Every day

It’s as if I play a part

Now I see

If I wear a mask

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see?

Staring straight back at me…

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart

And what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world

What’s inside my heart

And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see?

Staring straight back at me…

Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?

Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There’s a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal

What we think…how we feel?

Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?

I won’t pretend that I’m someone else for all time

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

"Yeah," I replied just as softly, feeling the words burn into my soul. That was exactly how I felt. I had to hide the fact that I was a fun-loving, young-at-heart woman who really liked these guys and appreciated what they did. Instead, I had to dress like a grandmother and turn them away every time they tried to get close to me. I hid my face under the covers, trying not to sob too loudly.

We arrived in New York at around two forty-five in the morning. At least that’s what Brian told me later. I don’t remember arriving in New York. I don’t remember Kevin carrying me out of the bus. I don’t remember the ride up in the elevator, or being laid down on a bed.

The first thing I remember is an elephant blowing his nose…again…and again…I opened one eye, and realized that I was laying in a puddle of sweat. My fever must’ve broken sometime during the night, and I did feel a bit better. I looked in the direction of the elephant. I was snuggled under the covers of the bed, while Howie Dorough lay on top of the covers, snoring away. I bit my fist to keep from laughing. I leaned up over him to peer at the clock. It was after eight o’clock. I hated to waken him, but I gently shook him.

"Howie…Howie…" I whispered.

The elephant trumpeted once more, then snorted to a stop. He rolled over and opened one eye. "Hey, Silver," he said sleepily. I giggled. I couldn’t help it. "I know…it’s pretty awful…and people wonder why I don’t have a girlfriend." I giggled again.

"Why am I in here?" I asked him. He yawned and stretched.

"You were sleeping so soundly, we didn’t wanna waken you, and the desk clerk refused to give us your key, so we just dropped you here. They did take your luggage up, though. Hope you don’t mind."

I smiled. Would any human female mind waking up next to a sexy Backstreet Boy? I think not. I said, "I need a shower bad.  Do I just need to go down and get my key?"

"Yeah…better take your ID down, though. This is a secure floor."

I nodded and got up slowly. I pulled on my sneakers and grabbed my backpack which had my purse in it. I hesitated by the door, then walked back to the bed. "Thanks, Howie." I bent down and kissed him on the forehead, then left before he could reply.

I went down to the desk clerk, got my key, then went up to my room. I quickly unpacked, then jumped into the shower. I was feeling almost back to normal, and I prayed that this was just a 24-hour thing. I would hate to have to cancel my date with Lance. I slapped my forehead. Lance! What in the world was I going to wear to this thing? I started to freak, then remembered the little blue number I had bought in State College. I smiled to myself. I would show these guys once and for all that I was not some frumpy old lady.

I had asked the clerk what room the Boys were in when I was downstairs, and a half-hour after I had gotten cleaned up, I bounced down to AJ’s room. No answer. I took two steps down the hall and knocked on Nick’s door. No answer. I bounded back and forth, pounding as hard as I could on both, until AJ finally opened his door.

"What the FUCK do you want?" He yelled before he saw who it was. "Oh…Sil…uh…hi…" he blushed sheepishly.

"Was I interrupting something? Got a sexy lady in your bed keeping you busy?" I asked, smiling sweetly. He blushed deeper.

"Not quite. Come on in." He held the door for me. "You’re looking much better."

"I feel better." I stopped in front of him and kissed his cheek. "Thanks for last night, Alex. For taking care of me. I needed that in more ways than one…and you’ll never know how much I appreciated it."

"Well, maybe you’ll just have to show me someday," he said, then ran back to flop onto the bed and turn on the TV. I stood where I was, shocked. Did AJ McLean just flirt with me? I had imagined it, I decided, and turned to a door in the wall.

"Is this the door that connects to Nick’s room?" I asked.

"Yeah…but he usually locks it when he’s next to me," AJ told me. I opened AJ’s door, then tried the one to Nick’s room. Nick had left it unlocked. I snuck in and closed it behind me. Nick had one arm and one leg out of the covers, and I didn’t see anything on that leg. Oh My God. Nick Carter slept in the nude. Right here was enough photo opportunity for ten books, but I decided to act like an adult. I ran to the bed and started bouncing up and down on it.

"Nicky! Wake up!" I sang, bouncing harder. His eyes flew open and he sat up quickly, clutching the blanket to his body.

"Ohmygod…Silver…you scared the hell out of me. How did you get in here?"

"Don’t you remember? You let me in last night," I said, innocently twirling a lock of hair around my finger.

"N-no, I didn’t. You were sick last night," he said, though his blue eyes doubted me. I took pity on him and laughed.

"Yes, I was. But now I am better. Why don’t you and AJ come up to my room and we’ll order breakfast." He nodded, obviously relieved that nothing had happened that he didn’t remember. I went through AJ’s room, told him to come over for breakfast, and bring any of the other guys he could find.

                As I reached my room, the phone was ringing. I flopped onto the bed and answered it. "Hello?"

"Silver?"

"Greg! Hi!" I said happily.

"I have everything set up for those girls to meet you in Texas," he told me.

"Cool. That should be really interesting," I said. I heard a knock at the door. I opened it and everyone but Howie came in.

"D fell back asleep, I guess," AJ whispered.

"Who’s that? Who’s there with you?" Gregory snapped.

"None of your business," I snapped back.

"What, you go away and I can’t trust you for five minutes? That’s another reason I called. I don’t like you going out with this Lance guy tonight. Find someone else or go alone."

"Excuse me?" I shouted, regardless of the hour. "Who are YOU to tell me who to go out with? I sure as hell don’t tell you that kinda shit!"

"That’s different, Silver. I’m married."

"Yes, you ARE married, a situation you keep promising to change! When’s it gonna end, huh? When are you going to choose?"

"Baby, I love you, and…"

"Well, I thought I loved you, too, but now I’m beginning to see how women are SUPPOSED to be treated, and it’s NOT the way you treat me!" I yelled, forgetting that I wasn’t alone.

"Silver, baby…"

"Do not fucking baby me, okay? I am sick of this shit. Starting today, I am writing MY book the way I want!"

"Don’t press your luck there, Silver Mulholland," Greg said in a nasty tone. "I am still your manager, and I can fire you in an instant."

"What?" I could feel the blood drain from my face.

"Say what you want about me…but don’t fuck around with this book, Silver. You know what you’re supposed to do, so do it.  And go out with this little boytoy if you wish, but remember who the MAN is that loves you." He hung up and I stared at the phone. As I hung up, I remembered that there were four other people in the room.

"I…I’m sorry…I…" I stammered, thoroughly embarrassed at what I had revealed.

"It’s okay," Nick said cheerfully. "’Bout damn time you’re off the phone, though…I’m hungry!" He snatched up the phone and dialed room service. I walked a few steps away from the guys, trying to pull myself together. I felt arms snake around me from behind, and I saw the tattoos.

"You’re gonna think all I do is bawl like a baby," I sniffed.

"We’re your friends," AJ told me. "Friends can do that kinda shit in front of each other." He squeezed tight. "Whenever you’re ready to talk," he reminded me. I nodded. "Waffles, eggs, or pancakes?"

"Pancakes," I told him, going into the bathroom to wash my face.

"Come on, Silver, this is New York! You gotta come shopping with us!" AJ insisted as we finished our breakfasts.

"AJ, shopping with you would kill a normal person," Howie told him. "She hasn’t built up her shopping-with-AJ muscles like the rest of us have."

"But you need a dress for tonight, right? Something to knock old Lance off his ass, right?" AJ pointed out to me.

"What…don’t you think I have something suitable for the party?" I asked in amusement. The guys mumbled something but didn’t say much. "Well, for your information, I DO have a dress for tonight, and it’s MORE than suitable for knocking Lance on his ass, as you so delicately put it." I stood and began cleaning up their dishes.

"Come along anyway," Brian begged. "PLEASE. Maybe if you come along, AJ will only stop at a hundred stores instead of a thousand."

"Sorry, Brian. I really have to send some stuff off to my publisher." I sighed, thinking about what I had to write.

"So, when are you gonna let us read what you have so far?" Nick asked. I froze.

"Um…uh…I can’t do that. I don’t write well if I know someone is gonna read it beside my manager," I babbled. "You’ll see it when it’s done." And when I’m far far away, like Siberia, I thought to myself.

"How comes your boyfriend isn’t gonna escort you?" Howie said. Immediately, his face turned red as he remembered my phone conversation.

                "Actually, he offered and I turned him down. I mean, come on, this is Lance Bass we’re talking about here," I said lightly. They all groaned. AJ came and wrapped his arms around me.

"Sil, drop that pansy and go out with a real man."

"Find me one and I will," I told him, playfully elbowing him in the gut. Everyone laughed. "Now…shoo. I wanna get started so I can at least see a LITTLE bit of the city before I have to make myself beautiful."

"You don’t have to make yourself beautiful," Nick whispered as he walked by. "You’re already there." I blushed furiously.

"You guys go on without me," Kevin told them, stopping at the door. "I think I’m just gonna bum around on my own."

"Okay, Kev, see you later," Howie said. Kevin closed the door behind them, then turned to look at me.

"What?" I asked nervously.

"When you’re done writing, would you like to take a walk in Central Park with me?"

"Me? Walk with you?" I squeaked. I never in a million years would have thought that Kevin would even want to spend time with me.

"Sure…is that such a bad idea?" Kevin asked, smiling.

"Um…no…of course not. I DO have to get some work done, though."

"Well, why don’t I come back around one, and we can go out for a few hours then. It’s supposed to be pretty nice today."

"Um…okay…thanks," I said, walking him to the door. I closed it behind him, shaking my head. I was so confused. Nick and AJ had flirted with me, Kevin wanted to walk with me, Lance was taking me out, and Gregory was getting all guilty with me.  Gregory. I sighed again. I pushed thoughts of all of this far from my mind and sat down at the computer.

A knock at the door scared the hell out of me. I looked at the clock. Twelve-fifteen. I answered it, prepared to tell Kevin to give me about another half-hour. It wasn’t Kevin. "You’re Silver Mulholland?" The deliveryman asked.

"Yes…that’s me," I asked, staring down at the small box he held.

"Package for ya. Sign here." I scribbled my name and took the box. "Have a good one," the man told me. I closed the door and went to the bed before I opened the box.

Inside the small velvet box was a gorgeous diamond solitaire, surrounded by tiny sapphires. I gasped. Gregory. I scrambled through the wrapping paper, looking for a note.

My love…I despise all this time apart, knowing that you are surrounded by other men. I just hate knowing that you will be on someone else’s arm tonight, dancing with someone else, smiling at someone else…and doing God knows what with someone else. I love you so much, and I promise you that soon we will be together for always. See you in Charlotte. All my love, Gregory.

My eyes filled with tears. Dammit, I hated this. I loved Gregory, at least I thought I did, and when he did sweet things like this it made me love him more. But I also ended up furious with him when he said things like "doing God knows what with someone else", when he was home boinking the wife whom he supposedly hated. I sighed, and slipped the ring on my finger. Perfect fit, of course. I left the ring on and went to the computer. I had a few biographical chapters down, and was preparing them to send to Greg. Nothing real juicy. I simply managed to emphasize the facts that Kevin had a real stick up his ass ninety percent of the time, Nick was the goofball that no one seemed to respect, AJ was a shopaholic who loved spending money, Howie seemed obsessed with working out, and Brian…well…it was almost impossible to find something juicy out about him. I swore to myself that he was an angel on earth who could do no wrong. I didn’t feel too guilty sending this kind of stuff off to Greg; anyone who was around the guys for five minutes would make this assumption until they got to know them better. Hopefully it would keep Greg satisfied until I could decide what was going on. I didn’t know WHAT I wanted. I loved Greg, but if he loved me like he said he would first of all leave Valerie, and secondly not make me do something so against my principles. Also, the more I got to know the guys, the less I wanted to do something this awful. I was sure I would be able to find another publisher; my books had done fairly well and had proved I could write. But could Greg really blacklist me in the publishing world as he had threatened in the past?

Another knock made me jump. I knew it was Kevin. I ran to the door. "Sorry," I said. "I was really busy."

"No problem," he said, walking in. I ran back to the computer, hit "send", and quickly closed it down. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, just let me grab my coat." I stopped to look at him, then laughed. He had on a fisherman’s-type hat that totally covered his face, and dark sunglasses under that. "Well…you are definitely disguised!"

"I hate this," Kevin grumbled as we snuck down the back stairs. "I hate always being in disguise. It’s like I can’t show the real me, you know? Even when I’m not in disguise, there is a Kevin Richardson everyone expects me to be." I placed a hand on his chest to stop him as we exited the elevator.

"Believe me, Kevin, I totally understand."

Kevin was right: it was a gorgeous day. Warm for New York in February, also. We almost didn’t need our coats, but I didn’t want this flu bug to come back. We strolled through Central Park, and it shocked me when Kevin grabbed my hand and began to swing it between us. He didn’t seem to be the overly affectionate type. It must have been written all over my face, for he began to laugh.

"Relax, Silver. Enjoy the day. Just imagine that it’s all part of the disguise…no one would expect Kevin Richardson, Backstreet Boy, to be walking hand-in-hand with a pretty girl in Central Park," he pointed out. I blushed from his compliment. He tugged on my hand. "Let’s sit on that bench."

We got situated and I closed my eyes, letting the sun bake my face. "I wish it was spring," I murmured for something to say. "I hate winter."

"You wanna tell me what’s going on?" Kevin asked gently.

"Between you and AJ, you’d think that YOU were writing a book about ME," I teased. I sighed. "I don’t think I want to tell you. It’s not very flattering to me."

"You are involved with someone…and he’s married," Kevin replied. "That much I figured out."

"Yes, that’s the major part of it," I said. I would NOT tell him who the person was.

"Silver, you could do so much better then that. You’re beautiful, intelligent, talented, kind, sweet…"

"Stop right there, Kevin." I put my hand up. "You don’t know me. You don’t know if I’m sweet or bitchy, or kind or selfish.  Just let it go, okay?"

He grabbed that hand. "I do know that you deserve better, okay? No woman deserves a man who would cheat on his wife."

"But she’s a bitch," I insisted.

"Do you know this for a fact or did he tell you?"

"Well…he told me," I pouted.

"Have you met her?"

"Yes…once…and she was very pretty and very nice to me," I admitted. "But she doesn’t give him what he needs!"

"And you could?" Kevin asked softly. I nodded. "Silver, what happens if and when he leaves her, and if and when he marries you? How do you know he won’t find someone else and cheat on you?"

"I love him and he loves me!" I protested, even though this was an argument I had played through my own head a million times.  "Why do you even care?" I asked angrily.

"We all care about you, Silver. You have become almost a part of the family in just a few short days. We trust you with our daily lives, and how they will be portrayed to the outside world. I happen to know a few of us who care about you more then as just a friend," he confided.

"Really? Who?" I asked, ignoring the guilt that seared through my body.

"Nope. Not telling." Kevin stood, yanking me up with him. "Let’s walk some more, and then get a bigass New York hot dog."

Kevin and I spent the rest of the afternoon walking around and talking, but mostly laughing. I would never have expected him to have such a wild sense of humor. I decided that with people like AJ and Nick around, he probably didn’t get to show it much.

We headed back to the hotel, and I was still trying to get him to tell me who liked me as more than a friend. I felt like I was in high school. "Nope. Not telling," he reminded me for the tenth time. "It’s a BSB secret."

I rolled my eyes, and sighed as we plodded up the sidewalk. "I ate WAY too much. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to fit into my dress for tonight. Lance should take a cow to this thing…it would be thinner than me."

Kevin threw back his head and rolled with laughter. "You haven’t gained that much weight in one afternoon." He stopped walking so he could watch me. "You have nice legs."

"Thank you," I said shyly, pulling on his sleeve so he would walk with me.

"Why do you dress like someone’s Aunt Edna?" Kevin asked. "You are obviously doing it on purpose." I stopped short, my mouth falling open. "I saw some of your stuff in your room this morning. You do own nice fitting clothes…you just won’t wear them."

"I don’t want to stand out. I have a job to do, and I don’t want to distract you guys from doing yours." I hoped that sounded convincing. We walked around the back of the hotel and went into the elevator. Kevin took my face in one of his large hands.

"Silver, you could wear a trashbag and you’d stand out," he told me, smiling with those green eyes of his.

"Of course I would," I whispered. "I’d be the only one wearing a trashbag." He laughed once again, shaking his head at me.

It was two-thirty when we returned to the hotel, and Lance was coming to pick me up at seven. The first thing I needed was a long soaking bubble bath, I decided as I unlocked my door. I took two steps in the door and sighed. Another bouquet of flowers. This time they were white roses. I grabbed the card, frowning. Would this man never give up? I gasped as I read the card.

A little tattooed birdie told me you liked white roses. Hope these will do. Looking forward to tonight, Lance.

"Yes!" I shrieked. I looked around the room wildly, and my eyes settled on the sofa. I ran over and started jumping up and down on it. "Yes…yes…yes!" I chanted with each jump. "Lance Bass sent me roses!" Suddenly my foot slipped between the cushions and I most ungracefully landed on my ass on the floor. I started to laugh, thanking God that Lance Bass was not in that room at that moment. Someone knocked at my door, and I practically crawled to answer it, still laughing.

"Silver…are you okay?" A very concerned-looking Brian and Howie were at my door. "We were in Brian’s room next door, and we heard yelling and then a big thump."

I laughed even harder. "Yes…yes, I’m fine, thanks, guys. I just…never mind. I’m fine. I’ll see you later, okay?"

"Yeah…sure…" Howie said, giving me a weird look before I shut the door. I carefully made my way towards the bathroom, stopping to smell my gorgeous white roses before continuing on. I reread the note about ten times between the table and the bathroom, and then I carefully set it up on the vanity where it wouldn’t get wet, but where I could still see it.

I soaked for about a half-hour, reading "Gone With the Wind", and then I finally pulled myself up from the tub and took a shower. I wrapped my hair in a towel, put on one of the hotel’s long fluffy robes, and went out to paint my nails. Around four o’clock someone knocked again. I sighed, and carefully got up.

"Yes?" I snapped as I opened the door. "Oh…sorry, AJ. What’s up?"

"I just wanted to talk," he said, eyeing my robe and towel. "Do you have time?"

"Um…sure…I can hang out for an hour or so." I moved aside to let him in. I followed him into the suite, waving my hands to dry my nails. "How was your day?"

"Good…I got the greatest outfit, and two pair of shoes, and hats! Wait ‘til you see these hats, Sil," he told me, flopping onto the sofa.

"I’ve seen your taste in hats, Alex, and I am honestly afraid," I told him, sitting back down to do my toenails. "And thanks for giving Lance the hint about the flowers. It was so sweet!"

"Yeah, well I’m like that sometimes. He called and asked what I thought you’d like. Here, let me." He grabbed the nail polish before I could protest. "I like doing this kind of thing." I sat speechless as AJ McLean started painting the toes of my left foot. "So…did you get outside today?"

"Uh…um…yeah," I answered weakly as he blew lightly across my feet to dry the polish. "Kevin and I went for a walk." He stopped in mid-puff and looked up at me.

"Kevin? As in Train? You went for a walk with Kevin?"

"Yes…we went to Central Park, had a hot dog and some ice cream, just a tourist kinda day," I told him. "Stop it, that tickles!" I yelled as his fingertips grazed over the arch of my foot. It didn’t really tickle, but I needed a reason for the goosebumps that crept up my legs and stopped somewhere around the middle of my body.

"Sorry." He concentrated on the right foot. "I’m just a bit surprised, that’s all. You coulda gone with us." Did he look hurt?

"Well, I knew I couldn’t keep up with Alex McLean, Super Shopper," I said, making him smile. "Alex…I’m so nervous about tonight," I finally confided. "I kinda feel guilty, even though my boyfriend knows I’m going out, and I also feel nervous. What if I make a dork out of myself around Lance?"

AJ sat back and waved his hand above my toes to create a breeze. "You have nothing to worry about, Silver. If you have a nice outfit, you won’t embarrass him by your appearance, and if you just act like yourself, you won’t make a dork out of yourself.  He’s just a human being, Sil. Just like me." He stood up. "I’d better start deciding what I’M gonna wear." He bent down and kissed my cheek. "I’ll see you tonight at this stupid shindig." He disappeared out my door before I could say anything more.

At five minutes to seven, I was pacing through the living room of my tiny suite. I was totally ready. My hair was piled up on top of my head, with bunches of ringlets hanging down. I wore only small silver hoops for my jewelry. I had taken off Greg’s ring, not wanting to even remember he existed for that evening. The dress looked even better on me than it had in State College, if I did say so myself. I went to the mirror and stared, turning this way and that. The low-heeled blue sandals I had picked up with the dress were perfect. The sheer diagonal stripe on the dress revealed just enough skin, and the short flared skirt revealed just enough leg. A knock at the door made me whirl around. I quickly spritzed on some perfume and went to the door. There stood

Lance, in a dark blue suit the same color as my dress.

"Wow," he said, his beautiful blue eyes wandering over me. "You look great."

"Maybe I should change," I said hesitantly, wondering how we would look wearing the same color and yet realizing I had no other nice dress.

"You most certainly will NOT change," Lance said, offering me his arm. "We will look dazzling together, and besides, there’s only one way I’m letting you get out of that dress, and it’s not gonna be so you can change into something else." I blushed as I pulled the door shut behind us. He sniffed by my neck. "Mmmm…you’re wearing that perfume again."

I smiled as we got into the elevator, happy that he remembered. "Thank you for the roses, Lance. They are so gorgeous."

"Not half as gorgeous as you," he told me, squeezing my hand. "McLean said they were your favorite. How does he know, anyway?"

"Long story," I remarked as we entered the lobby. I saw the Backstreet Boys over in a corner, waiting for their limo.

"Ms. Mulholland? I have some messages for you," the desk clerk called. "Would you like to look at them now or should I send them up?"

"Excuse me," I said to Lance.

"No problem. I’ll say hi to the boys over there." He motioned to the group in the corner.

He walked towards them as I walked to the front desk. I heard Howie say, "I thought you were taking Silver to this thing. Who the hell is that?"

I smiled to myself as I scanned the messages from my publisher and Jive. I told the clerk to send them to my suite, and sashayed my way back to Lance. "Hi, guys," I said, putting my arm through Lance’s.

I never knew grown men could look like fish. Their mouths dropped open, then shut, then open, then shut. "Silver…daymn," Howie said finally. "You look…daymn."

"Why don’t you wear that dress every day?" Nick squeaked, and I laughed. Kevin said nothing, only smiled at me appreciatively.

"You look absolutely wonderful," Brian told me, smiling. I looked at AJ, who was looking away. My smile faltered. Howie smacked him.

"Oh, yeah, that dress is great," AJ said, his eyes flicking over me quickly. I stiffened, and Lance felt it.

"Sorry, guys, this goddess is mine for the night. We’ll see you later, and maybe I’ll let you dance with her once." He guided me out the door as I called good-byes over my shoulder.

Lance smoldered as we climbed into the limo. "Why didn’t they just rip your clothes off right there?" He mumbled. "And McLean! That was just fucking rude, snubbing you like that."

I placed my hand on his knee. "Lance, relax. Let’s forget about them. I’m on a date with you, right? You’re all that matters."

He smiled his beautiful smile. "Right," he said, putting his arm around me and pulling me close. "I’m the lucky one."

Flashbulbs popped as we got out of the limo. Some girls screamed to Lance, and I told him I’d wait while he signed a few autographs. He signed and posed for pictures for about ten minutes, then gave the crowd a wave as he returned to my side. He guided me up the steps of the posh hotel where the dinner was being held, and we showed our identification. He gave my wrap to the coat girl, and took my hand as we went in the door. To my horror, my palm was all sweaty. He smiled.

"Silver, relax. This will be a breeze, I promise." He kissed my cheek. "Anytime you feel nervous, just think about doing something to REALLY make people stare at you…like us jumping up on a table and going at it like rabbits." I gasped and began to laugh. This was NOT what I had expected from Lance Bass.

So many people came up and said hello that I soon lost track of the names. I finally told Lance to go ahead and mingle and I would just sit and wait for him. I sat at one of the round tables, just watching the people. I wondered if there was room for this in my book.

"Silver." Chris Kirkpatrick came and pulled a chair up, sitting on it backwards. "How are you? Wow, you look fantastic."

"Thanks," I said absentmindedly, my eyes fixed on the door where the Backstreet Boys were now entering.

"I was really glad Lance brought you along. You two make a great couple."

I turned my attention to Chris, amused. "You sound like we’re in high school." He laughed.

"So, tell me more about this book," he said. I paused, then lightly brushed over some of the things I knew I was supposed to say. I was telling him about the idea of having five fans come visit when Lance returned with Justin and JC.

"Where’s Joey?" Chris asked.

"Over talking to management," Justin replied as he and the others pulled up chairs as well. "Hi, Silver."

"Anyway, as I was saying, they are five brave boys, letting fans tag along like that," Chris told me. Lance put his arm around my waist and lightly tugged until I was tight against him.

"What fans?"

"Silver convinced the BSB to let five fans come along for the Texas leg of the tour," Chris explained. JC’s eyes widened in horror.

"You’re kidding."

"OLDER fans," I pointed out. "Three are nineteen and the other two are in their thirties."

"Older women…nice," Lance commented. I blushed and stood.

"Will you excuse me? I want to go talk to the guys." Lance stood with me and kissed my neck.

"Hurry back," he whispered. I caught the whimper just before it left my lips, and silently nodded.

I felt his eyes on me as I walked away, and I stood a bit taller and walked with a slight swing to my hips. I approached Nick and Brian, who were standing alone. "Hi, guys."

"Hey," Nick said with a big smile.

"I can’t get over how great you look in that dress," Brian told me. "Why in the world haven’t you showed us this body before?"

"My…my boyfriend didn’t want me to attract too much attention," I said, rolling my eyes as if I couldn’t understand his motives.

"He was right," Nick told me, moving his eyes across my body. I blushed down to my toes.

"Silver." I whirled around to see Kevin behind me. "Obviously those NSync buffoons, as well as Frick and Frack here, have NO manners. Would you like something to drink?"

"You’re ALWAYS getting me drinks," I said, thinking back to the night at the club. "Let me get you something." Brian and Kevin gave me drink orders, and Nick started to. "No way, little boy. You’re not old enough."

"Your date is drinking," Nick pouted. I squeezed his cute face. I couldn’t resist.

"But I didn’t bring it to him. Get your own drink when I can’t see you." He couldn’t help but laugh. I walked over to the minibar and gave my orders to the bartender.

"That’s some dress," a gravelly voice said behind me.

"You didn’t seem to think so in the lobby," I snapped, turning to glare at AJ.

"Well, one minute you’re worried about your boyfriend being mad at you, and the next minute you’re all…gorgeous…practically falling out of that dress!" AJ said, flustered. I blushed a scarlet red once more.

"Thank you, Alex. You just gave me the best compliment I’ve gotten tonight, believe it or not," I told him. He smiled, all anger leaving his eyes.

"Save me a dance?"

"Of course."

"Classic. I’m gonna check out that redhead over there." He discreetly motioned to a corner, kissed my cheek, then swooped over to the unsuspecting girl. I giggled, and picked up the drinks. I carefully made my way over to Brian, Nick, and Kevin.

"Your little friend is pouting." Kevin looked pointedly at Lance. I sighed.

"You’re right. I’ll catch up with you guys later." I made my way back to Lance, who immediately put his arm around me. I was getting used to this!

"I’m gonna see if I can get the music started. I wanna dance with my girl!" He disappeared before I could protest. I rolled my eyes and sat down next to JC, who looked amused.

"You probably thought Lance was the shy silent type, didn’t you?" I nodded, and he laughed. "Surprise."

A fast groove soon blared over the speakers, and people quickly cleared out chairs to make a dance floor. Justin grabbed my hand. "Me first!" He pulled me out on the dance floor, past a shocked Lance. This is how it went for the first four songs. JC, Justin, and Joey monopolized me on the dance floor, not letting Lance get near me. I watched him steam on the sidelines, laughing my ass off at the storm in his eyes. When the slow music started, he reached over and grabbed me.

"You are MINE now," he growled playfully in my ear, pulling me close. I could feel my body melt against his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sighed, laying my head on his shoulder. "Let me come home with you tonight," he murmured. I gasped and pulled back.

"Lance…I don’t know you…I…"

"Silver…please." He stopped dancing and just stared into my eyes. Gone was the sexy flirt. Here was the sweet man I had fallen for the first time I saw him in an interview. "I just want to be with you alone…I swear to GOD if you don’t want anything to happen, it won’t." I studied those gorgeous blue eyes, and saw only sincerity. I slowly nodded, then put my head back on his shoulder. The next number started, and Lance groaned.

"But God DID spend a little more time on me," I pointed out, and he laughed.

"Yes, he did, though I am getting REAL sick of this song."

"Move it over, little one. You shouldn’t dance to your own song…it’s tacky." Kevin tapped Lance on the shoulder, and Lance graciously moved off the floor. I smiled up into Kevin’s green eyes. "Now, THAT’S the way a woman should look. Happy and smiling." He leaned close to whisper, "When are you gonna tell him about…you know?"

"He knows I’m seeing someone," I whispered back.

He sighed. "Silver…you know how Lance feels about you, and you know how some of us feel about you. How do YOU feel?"

"I…I don’t know, Kevin. Gr…I mean, my boyfriend sent me the most beautiful gift tonight. He really loves me."

Kevin said nothing, just pulled me closer. We pulled apart for the next few fast songs, where Justin once again captured me.  When the next set of slow songs came on, it was Nick who claimed me. I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Nick," I said in disapproval.

"I know, I know," he said with a sigh. "But Lance has you, and everyone has someone, and AJ has that redhead, and I don’t have anyone." He sighed again.

"Aww…poor Nicky," I said. He pretended to pout and put his head on my shoulder. I laughed. I looked over his shoulder and saw AJ talking to the redhead, but his eyes kept straying to the dance floor. When the next song came on, he made a beeline for me. He put his arms around me, but pulled me as close as humanly possible.

"How’s it going with the redhead?" I asked gaily, deciding that tonight I was Cinderella at the ball. Tomorrow I could go back to being the evil stepmother.

"She likes Howie," AJ said with a sigh. "You are certainly the belle of the ball, aren’t you, Sil?"

"Yes," I said with a big smile. "This has never happened to me before. It’s like a dream."

"You’re gonna have to choose, you know," AJ said tenderly, looking into my eyes. I swallowed deep.

"Okay, Kevin," I finally stammered. "I am six years older than you. I don’t need your advice."

"Fine," he said, pulling me close again. He gently rubbed his cheek against mine almost unconsciously, and every time the hair on his face rubbed against me, I would shiver.

"You look nice tonight," I said finally. He was wearing black pants, a billowing white shirt, and a black vest over top. "Very dashing."

"Thank you…I was looking for dashing when I opened the closet tonight," he said. I cracked up.

The song ended, and we regretfully pulled apart. I felt a hand on my waist. "Ready to go, Silver?" Lance asked. I nodded, and said goodnight to AJ. Lance got my wrap and we headed out the door before anyone could notice we were gone.

I opened the door to my suite, and immediately slipped off my shoes and stockings. "Ahhh…much better. I hate those damned things."

"Try wearing a tie." Lance quickly slipped his off. "Actually…I bet you would look cute in my tie."

I grabbed it from him. "I dunno…lemme see." I took off for the bathroom.

"Oh…okay…sure…whatever," he said, flopping onto the bed. "Are you hungry? We could order room service," he called.

"Nope, not that hungry," I replied from the doorway to the bathroom, where I stood clad only in nail polish and Lance’s tie. He bounded up from the bed and ran over to me.

"Oh, my, GOD," he mumbled. "I didn’t think you’d…I thought you were joking…"

"How do I look, Lance?" I asked, staring up at him.

He didn’t reply. He cupped my backside in his hands and crushed his body against mine as his lips learned mine. I moaned and clung to him. He was first to pull away.

"What about your boyfriend, Silver? I mean, I liked flirting with you, but I don’t want you to think…"

"Fuck him," I replied.

"No…fuck me," Lance ordered, pulling me towards the bed. By the time we reached it, his suit was history. By the time the sun was coming up, we were asleep in each other’s arms.

I answered the phone after about the tenth ring, totally unwilling to move from my comfortable position. My head was on Lance’s chest, and he had me pulled tight against him. "What?" I snapped, my voice muffled against his body.

"Silver, it’s seven o’clock," Kevin said.

"I am aware of that, Kevin…I noticed that when I rolled over to answer the damn phone!" I shrieked, forgetting that Lance was asleep. "Oops! Sorry!" I whispered to him, but his blue eyes fluttered open anyway.

"We have a show in Charlotte tonight, remember, Silver? We need to be on a plane in about forty-five minutes!" Kevin snapped

back. I sat up.

 

"Oh…shit…Kev…I’m sorry…I’ll be downstairs in twenty." I hung up and flew out of bed, cramming my things into my suitcases and bags.

"What’s going on?" Lance asked sleepily. I pulled my head through a t-shirt and looked back at him. He looked so cute, his short blond hair messy and standing straight up. I sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. He reached his hand up and pulled me down for a tender kiss. "That’s how you start the morning," he informed me. I smiled, and leaned down to let him envelop me in his arms.

"I’m sorry, Lance. The guys have a show in Charlotte tonight, and we have to fly down since we didn’t go yesterday. I gotta get moving if I wanna be on that flight." I stood back up and finished packing.

"I could meet you down there," he suggested. "We’re just doing dumb promotional stuff anyway. I could say I was sick, and sneak down to Charlotte."

Charlotte! Greg! I suddenly remembered. "Um…no…I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lance. I mean, I’d love to have you down there, but the guys are gonna be all pissy since they had to be up here an extra day, and I don’t want them being pissy at you." Yet another lie. I was getting so good at lying.

"Will I ever see you again?" Lance sat up. His blue eyes seemed to dig into my soul. I zipped the last suitcase shut, and sat down next to him.

"I certainly hope so." I did some quick thinking. "We’ll be down south for a while. Why don’t you hook up with me in…Atlanta, on the nineteenth? Oh…and we’ll have a mini vacation from the twentieth to the twenty-fourth, if you wanna get together then, instead…OR, you could come to Texas when those girls are there. I’m sure they’d love to meet you, too."

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes to all of it. Our schedule isn’t really that full, believe it or not. I can make the time to see you all of those days." I squealed and hugged him hard. "But, Silver," he pulled back. "I want to know what’s going on with this other guy. It seems to me like you’re not all that interested in him any more. Why don’t you just dump him?"

"It’s not that easy," I said, laying my head on his shoulder.

I was downstairs and waiting a few minutes earlier then I had told Kevin, and I was the first one down, as usual. The Backstreet Boys filed out of the hotel grumbling about the early hour, the fact that they had to fly, and about life in general. I didn’t even say good morning to anyone. I just found my seat in the van that was taking us to the airport, and opened a paperback book I had brought along.

"One of yours?" Nick plopped down beside me. I rolled my eyes.

"Puhleeze. I would never read trash like that."

He laughed. "You disappeared last night."

"Did you notice? You were on your way to drunk when I saw you last."

"Of course I noticed! I wasn’t THAT drunk," he informed me. He yawned big. "Damn, I hate this kinda shit." He closed his eyes and laid his head on my shoulder, and quickly fell asleep. He slept for the entire twenty-five minutes it took us to get to the airport. We had to run to get onto our private jet.

Everyone got situated, and I hooked up my laptop at a table in the back of the plane. Kevin came to sit across from me. "I’m busy, Kev," I said without looking up at him.

"Lance was with you when I called, wasn’t he?" Kevin asked softly.

I didn’t look up, but the slight pause of my fingers on the keys was enough to let him know the answer. "I don’t think that’s any of your business, Kevin."

"I’m just worried about you…be careful…don’t stretch yourself too thin," he said, reaching out to touch my hand. "I get the feeling that this guy you’ve been seeing isn’t the most understanding or considerate person. I think you should get out before it’s too late."

"Thanks for that advice, Ann Landers." I looked up at him, and forced my face to stay stone cold. "I really need to do this."

Kevin sighed, used to dealing with immature brats. "Whatever." He got up and went to sit next to Brian.

I typed with a vengeance, taking out all my confusion. I reread the chapters I had written, and hoped Greg would be happy. I knew I was sacrificing the Backstreet Boys for my career, but I decided that I didn’t care. I needed to think about ME…what was good for ME. I rubbed my temples and looked around the plane. Nick was once again asleep, this time with his head on Howie’s shoulder. Brian was writing, and AJ and Kevin were talking, but the both kept looking at me. I frowned. Why did they have to be such great people? I hit "save" and closed the laptop as AJ approached me.

"That’s what happens when you’re out all night with Lance Bass," he observed, massaging my shoulders.

"I wasn’t out all night with Lance!" I snapped, but I didn’t make him stop. It felt too good.

"Then you were in all night with Lance," AJ said softly. Kevin’s eyes widened, but he said nothing. I didn’t say anything either.  "We’ll be going right from the airport to the stadium. Are you coming?"

"No…my manager is flying in and I have to meet with him this afternoon," I told him. "I’ll probably bring him to the show tonight, though."

"Cool." AJ returned to his seat and I returned to my computer, though it was no kind of substitute.

"Surprise!" A voice said when I entered my suite.

"Holy shit, Greg, please scare me to death!" I yelled angrily. "How did you get in here?"

"I told them I was your husband." Greg walked over to me, his brown eyes smiling. "I’ve missed you so much, Baby." He pulled me into an embrace that I did not immediately return. "What? What’s wrong?"

"I’m sorry, Greg, if I cannot just immediately jump for joy whenever I see you." I put my suitcases on the bed and began to unpack. Greg grabbed my arm and pulled me to him.

"What the hell is up your ass, Silver? Have a bad date with your little boy last night?" He sneered.

"Actually, Greg, I had a fantastic date that ended at about seven-thirty this morning!" I retorted. His reply was a slap across my face. I stared at him in shock, my hand reaching up to touch my cheek. His mouth dropped open.

"Oh…God…baby…I am so sorry! I didn’t…it just…it just hurt me to hear you say you were with someone else." He pulled me into a hug and began to caress my hair. "Silver…I don’t want to lose you to someone else."

"Then show me, Greg." I pulled back and picked up my backpack to unpack it. "Show me that all the things you’ve been telling me aren’t empty promises."

"Empty promises? What about the flowers? What about the ring?"

"They are THINGS, Greg. Anyone could buy me a ring, and someone else bought me flowers, actually. I want actions, not things, and not words." I glared at him. "You could start by moving out of your house."

He gaped at me. "Silver…I can’t just up and leave…my kids…"

"Your kids will learn to understand. Besides, if things are as bad as you say they are, don’t they have an inkling that you and Valerie aren’t getting along so well?"

"Silver, let’s not talk about this. We have one day and night together. Let’s just lose ourselves in the fact that we are together, okay?"

"Whatever." I was not ready to let this drop, and I would be damned if he was going to lure me into bed again. He went over to the small stereo in the corner and turned it on.

"Dance with me, Baby."

"Greg, I have things to do before the concert tonight."

He ignored my protests, pulling me close. Before I knew what was happening, his hands were performing their magic, and we were rolling around on the bed.

"I promise you, Greg, no one will have any idea we’re together," I told him as we headed to the green room in the bottom of the arena. "You always act like you have a stick up your ass, anyway, and the last time they all saw me I was with Lance." Greg rolled his eyes at the sound of Lance’s name. I knocked on the door. "Everyone decent in there?" I called.

"As decent as possible," Brian yelled back.

"But you can come in anyway!" I heard Nick add. I laughed and opened the door.

"Guys, this is Greg Rose, my manager. Greg, this is Nick, Howie, Brian, Kevin, and Alex…I mean, AJ." Greg shook hands all around, but it was obvious he could’ve cared less about meeting them. I frowned.

Kevin started drilling Greg about book information as I walked over to Howie, AJ, and Nick. Howie gently reached out to touch my cheek. "Is that a bruise, Silver?"

I brushed his hand aside. "No…silly…I just don’t have makeup on. My face always looks weird without makeup," I said. AJ cupped my chin in his hands and frowned.

"If you say so, Silver," Nick said, giving me a strange look. Greg sent me a look.

"Well, we’d better get our seats. I have been ranting and raving about you guys ever since I came to the tour, and Greg’s eager to see what you got." I hugged all the way around, and led Greg out to the arena.

"How can you sit and listen to that all the time?" Greg asked as we drove to a late dinner after the concert. I was going to catch up with the guys in Raleigh. "It all sounds the same. And those screaming girls!"

"Can’t you ever just have fun, Greg?" I snapped, feeling personally insulted by his comments.

"Yes, I can have tons of fun…alone in a bed with you," he said, putting his arm around me.

"Is that all you see me for?" I said, looking at him.

"No, baby, of course not." He kissed my cheek. "So…any more chapters of this book coming to me soon? It sounds like you really have something rolling along."

I totally pulled away. "Take me back to the hotel."

"What?" He gaped at me.

"Take me back, now. I want to go back and I want you to go home."

"Silver…"

"NOW."

We went into my hotel suite, and I started packing his bag. "Silver, what the hell is your problem?"

"You DO see me as just a sex object…but now I realize that you see me as something else: your meal ticket to your own publishing company. I know you’ve been batting that idea around for ages, Greg, and you think this book I’m writing is gonna get you there. I’m no man’s meal ticket, Gregory Rose!" I shouted, shoving his bag into his stomach. "Fuck off and get the hell out of my life!"

Greg grabbed my arm and I could almost feel the bruise forming. "You little slut…you think you’re the only writer in America?"

"No…but I’m the only one who has the inside scoop on the Backstreet Boys." I wrestled but could not get free of his grip.  Once again, his hand came up to smack my face.

"You will WRITE what I TELL you to write, or you will never write again!" He yelled. I stared at him, partly in fear and partly in shock. Was this the man I had thought I loved?

"You leave me alone, or I will tell Valerie EVERYTHING," I said suddenly. He raised his hand to hit me, but released me instead.

"Okay…you don’t want me anymore…fine." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Let’s make a deal. You don’t tell Valerie anything, and I leave you alone. I’m only your manager. You finish this book, and I get you the best deal I can for your next one, and we break off our working relationship after that."

"Fine," I said, drawing a ragged breath. His eyes seemed to fill with tears.

"Oh, Silver…what has happened to us? I still love you, don’t you believe me?" He reached out to hug me, and I allowed it to happen.

"I don’t know what to believe, Greg," I said.

"Think about it…about us, I mean…I won’t contact you until that big shindig in Dallas, okay?" He meant the big party our publisher was having in Dallas the same weekend the guys would be performing there. I nodded, but silently removed the ring and handed it to him.

I caught the next flight available down to Raleigh, and crept into the hotel. I slept fitfully for a few hours, and was wide-awake at six-thirty. I threw on my workout clothes and headed for the gym.

"Silver?" Howie gasped as I walked in. He and Kevin were already hard at work, sweat running over their finely toned muscles.

"I know…I’m here way early and…"

"No…it’s not that at all." Kevin jumped up from the machine he was working on and hurried towards me, followed by Howie.  "Silver, what the hell happened to your face?"

"Sorry, guys, I always looked like this," I teased. I then caught a glimpse of myself in the large mirror on the opposite wall.

"Silver, who did this? Who hit you? Was it Lance?" Howie demanded.

"No! Of course not! I haven’t seen Lance since New York!" I snapped.

"Then who…that bastard cheating boyfriend of yours! Silver, who is he?" Kevin growled. I pulled away.

"He’s not my boyfriend anymore, okay? And I am no concern of yours, Kevin Richardson. Just let me melt back into the woodwork and do my job!" I whirled around and left the gym without working out.

I skipped breakfast with the guys, but reluctantly headed for the arena to watch rehearsal. I was going to have to get some serious shit done soon if I wanted to get this book out of my life. I sat in a corner where the guys couldn’t see me.

I was in luck. They were having a horrible rehearsal, and therefore were yelling horrible things at each other.

"Nick, you dumbass, your cue is the downbeat, and then you move over HERE!" Kevin bellowed.

"Oh, bite me, Eyebrow Boy. I’m not some little kid you can scare into working harder!" Nick yelled back.

"There’s nothing ANYONE can do to get you to actually work, Carter," Howie snapped. "You are the laziest person I have ever seen." Nick gaped at him.

"Can we puhleeze just get this rehearsal over and done with?" AJ said in exasperation.

"Why? So you can go chase your little Silver Girl?" Kevin asked him. "Keep your mind out of her pants and on the rehearsal, please."

"Kevin, fuck off. If I remember correctly, YOU were the one that snuck off to Central Park with her," AJ reminded him. Kevin took a step toward him, his green eyes full of anger. I blushed a furious red even though no one could see me.

"Guys, please, stop." Brian stepped between them. "Let’s just call it a day, okay? We are getting nowhere."

I stayed in my corner until the guys stalked off the stage and down to the exits. I sighed, turning off my tape recorder. The last ten minutes had given me enough stuff for a whole chapter.

I returned to my hotel room and unlocked my door. I noticed that the other five rooms all had ‘do not disturb’ signs on the door. I gasped when I saw feet sticking off the end of my bed. Oh God…not Greg again. I had convinced myself that I hated him, and I knew he could easily convince me right out of that opinion. I heard a gentle snore, and stepped into the bedroom.  Lance Bass was cuddled up with my stuffed teddy bear, fast asleep on my bed. I smiled.

"Hey, angel," I whispered, sitting next to him. "What are you doing here?" His blue eyes fluttered then closed.

"Silver," he said with a sleepy smile. He tugged until I lay down next to him. He did nothing but hold me, occasionally reaching up to touch my cheek or stroke my hair. I finally let go, and began to sob. He rolled me over to face him. "Silver, what…holy hell. Who did this? Which one of those Backdoor Boys did this to you?"

"Lance!" I gasped at the anger in his eyes. "It wasn’t any of them…it was my ex."

"Who is he? WHERE is he? I’m gonna fucking kill him!" Lance sat up.

"No…honey…please…" the tears began again. "Don’t. He’s not worth it." And neither am I, I thought to myself. "Just relax, and tell me what you’re doing here."

He held me close once more. "I missed you. I…I really like you, Silver. I couldn’t stop thinking about you."

"Are you a Silver groupie, now?" I asked with a smile.

"Yes…a Silver Groupie. I like that." He smiled back. "But the bad news is I can’t be with you in Atlanta, or even over that break. I’ll have to hook up with you in Texas."

I sighed. "That’s okay, Lance. Any time with you is wonderful." I yawned big.

"I won’t ask, but I’m gonna assume you’ve had a rough twenty-four hours or so." He sat me up, and had my shirt and stretch pants off before I knew it. He stripped down to his boxers, and pulled back the covers. "Come on. We’re taking a nap."

Lance and I skipped dinner with the guys and went out instead. We went back to the green room, as Greg and I had done the night before. The guys looked surprised to see Lance, but greeted him in a friendly manner. AJ cornered me behind a costume rack before I knew what was happening.

"Silver…who the hell hit you?" When I said nothing, he gripped my arm in the same place that Greg had. I yelped with pain, and that brought Lance running.

"McLean, what the hell are you doing?"

"I just grabbed her arm…I’m sorry…Sil, are you okay?" AJ asked anxiously.

"He didn’t do anything, Lance. I’m fine," I told him, gingerly lifting the sleeve of my T-shirt. The purple and yellow welt looked like an Easter egg had smashed on my arm. "AJ didn’t do this."

"Sil, please tell us what this prick’s name is. No woman deserves to be hit," AJ pleaded.

"Yes, Silver," Lance added. I shook my head.

"For the most part, he is out of my life." I smiled up at Lance. "Let’s go to our seats, please."

We said goodbye, and as we headed out the door, I heard AJ say, "For the most part?"

Lance seemed to really enjoy the concert…at least more than Greg did, which wasn’t saying much. A few girls seemed to recognize him, and one teenybopper behind us mentioned something about Nstink, and Lance had to grab me to keep me from jumping over the back of my seat and whomping her ass.

We had made plans to meet the guys at a club after the show, and they arrived about twenty minutes after we got there. We were back in the usual private room, and when the guys came in, I stood.

"I have an announcement to make." Everyone stared at me. "I will be with you guys in Atlanta, but after that I won’t be on tour until Houston."

Nick’s mouth fell open. "Houston? But that’s like ten days from now!" He almost whined.

"I need time to write up some stuff, plus I want to travel around and meet these girls. I talked to my publisher, and to Jive, and this is what we decided. I just wanted to let you know."

"Um…okay, Silver…we’ll miss you," Brian said with a smile. I smiled back, then grabbed Lance’s hand.

"Let’s dance." We hustled our butts out to the dance floor, leaving a group of open-mouthed Backstreet Boys behind us.

None of the guys tried to dance with me, which kind of disappointed me. Not that I didn’t love dancing with Lance, but I felt like they had already shut me out of their little circle. Lance could tell I wasn’t much into dancing, so he asked if I was ready to go. I nodded, and we left without saying goodbye.

Back at my suite, Lance remained in on the bed as I showered and changed into my midnight blue men’s pajamas. I came out of the bathroom and had to laugh…because he was wearing midnight blue pajama bottoms. He laughed also.

"Are we ALWAYS going to dress the same?" Lance asked, pulling me down beside him on the bed. He piled the pillows so I’d have something to lean on.

"I certainly hope not." I drew a ragged breath. "Lance, I need to tell you something."

He had picked up the remote, but threw it back down. "Shoot."

"I…I…I slept with my boyfriend last night," I confided. "That was before all this," I motioned to my face, "but it was still not the right thing to do. I just wanted to let you know…so if you didn’t want…to…you know…" I blushed. Lance smiled his beautiful smile and took my face in his hands.

"Silver…I have this strange feeling you and I are not going to last." I opened my mouth, but he shushed me with a gentle kiss. "I really really like you, and I am DAMN attracted to you…but I don’t see it working. Right now I want to snuggle and cuddle with you, fuck you and make love to you, and just generally spend time with you. Is that okay?" I nodded, amazed at how lucky I was. He studied my eyes. "Your eyes are full of secrets, Silver. If you ever want to tell me, I’m here," he told me. I nodded again. He kissed me gently, then with more passion. I felt his hand unbuttoning my pajama top. "Let me chase the shadows from your eyes," he whispered against my neck as his hand found my breasts and skimmed from one to the other. I moaned, and arched my back. Soon my bottoms followed my top, and all I could feel was the satin of his pajamas, then the satin of his skin against mine. He slowly and tenderly filled me again and again, whispering words of love and passion in my ear until I shuddered, screaming his name. He was soon to follow, moaning my name in a way I had never heard it before.

                I was very glad to have Lance on the bus from Raleigh to Atlanta, since the Backstreet Boys didn’t say more than five words to me. I’m sure Nick would have, but he slept most of the way. Lance actually spent most of his time talking to AJ and Howie, and I concentrated on my work. I sighed as I finally filled the disk and turned off my computer. I leaned back and watched everyone. It was so funny watching Lance and AJ talk animatedly with one another; they were so different, both in appearance and demeanor. I missed the friendship that had spouted up between AJ and I, and I wondered if it would return in Texas.

                "Did you really break it off with that guy?" Kevin asked as he sat down beside me.

"Yes, Kevin, I did," I told him, trying not to appear too happy that he was talking to me.

"We’re gonna miss you, ya know," he confided finally. "That’s why everyone is being so weird to you. You’re part of the family now, and we hating letting go of one of our own."

I gasped in surprise. "But…I’ll be back in a few days."

"I know. But it’s gonna be hard. We like having a woman around to wait on us." I poked him. "Seriously, Silver…don’t ever bring that boyfriend or whatever of yours around near us. There are men on this bus that would kill him."

The Backstreet Boys were stuck rehearsing all day, but I didn’t care. Lance and I were exploring Atlanta. He had been there before, of course, but the Old South had always fascinated me, and I wanted to see everything possible. He hired a driver to take us outside the city, and held my backpack while I snapped picture after picture. We finally climbed back into the car at around four o’clock.

"This has been the best day I’ve had in a long time!" I announced, sighing happily. He put his arm around me and pulled me close.

"It’s about time SOMETHING chased the shadows from your eyes," he said in amusement, lightly kissing the tip of my nose. "I just wanted to get you away from that damned laptop. I am beginning to think it turns you on more than I do."

"Hardly," I replied, kissing his nose. "But it is my job," I reminded him. I glanced out the window as we entered the outskirts of Atlanta. "Oh, stop, please!" I squealed to the driver, who hurriedly pulled to the side of the road. I was out the door before the car had stopped moving. "Let’s go in here!"

"Silver, this is a total tourist trap," Lance told me. We were in front of a tailor’s shop that advertised custom-made period clothing. "You don’t want this kinda…" one look down into my eyes convinced him that I definitely did want this kind of thing.  "Come on," he said with a sigh.

I immediately asked to be measured, ready to pay whatever price necessary for a gown like the one in the window. My reserve faltered when I saw that the price for the gown alone, without the stays, corset, hoops and underclothing was close to three hundred dollars. I had way enough to pay for it, but I wasn’t expecting something that exorbitant. The sales lady got an attitude with me.

"It IS all handmade," she noted. "And we will be making it exactly form-fitting to your…" she eyed me up and down, "…shape."

"She’ll take it," Lance told her. "She’ll take it and all the other frilly lacy things that go with it." The clerk nodded, pleased. She took down my address and told me she’d have it shipped. Lance slapped down his credit card and she quickly rang up the sale.

"But…but…" I spluttered as we got back in the car.

"I want to buy you a present," he said simply, and wouldn’t let me say anything else. I hugged him tight, realizing everything that I had been missing while I was with Gregory. I stared out the window on the way back to the hotel, thinking of Gregory. I missed him a little, but every time a little turned into a lot, Lance would squeeze me or smile or laugh…Gregory who?

We ran upstairs and changed and packed our things. We would be getting on our separate planes after dinner with the guys.  Lance had to do some things for Nsync, and I had to go start meeting the lucky five fans. We breezed into the hotel’s dining room, where the guys were eating, virtually ignored by all the other classier patrons. The guys were seated at a table for eight.  Lance and I hit the buffet, then flopped into our chairs, our busy day finally catching up to us.

"So…what did you do today?" Howie asked kindly.

"I stood around holding Silver’s bag and then spent over four hundred dollars on her in about ten minutes," Lance said.  Everyone froze in mid-bite, and I smacked him.

"It wasn’t like THAT at all," I informed them. "I didn’t have enough money on me right then and I didn’t have my checkbook and he loaned…"

"I didn’t loan you the money, Silver," Lance snapped. I stared at him. "That gown is my gift to you. Deal with it."

"Thanks," I whispered.

"Four hundred dollars for a dress?" Howie asked.

"It’s a handmade civil war period gown," I informed them. "She took my measurements and everything!"

"Lucky," Nick muttered. Everyone but Lance laughed…he glared at Nick.

We chitchatted while we inhaled our food. At five-thirty, Lance and I were standing to go. "What’s the hurry?" Brian asked.

"We have planes to catch," I reminded him. "Lance is off to California, and I am off to stop number one: Oregon."

"I hate having to leave," Lance said, his eyes filled with sadness as he looked at me. I blushed.

AJ looked at his bandmates, an evil twinkle in his eyes. I had quickly come to recognize that twinkle, but had never seen it turned on me, as it was now. "All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go…I’m standing here outside your door…I hate to wake you up to say goodbye…" he sang, getting louder with each phrase. Soon Howie and Brian joined him.

"But the dawn is breaking, it’s early morn, the taxi’s waiting, he’s blowing his horn…already I’m so lonesome I could cry…"

"Alex, stop it!" I hissed, though Lance couldn’t help but crack up. Nick and Kevin added to make a five-part harmony…loud.

"So kiss me and smile for me…tell me that you’ll wait for me…hold me like you’ll never let me go…" Even louder now.  "…Cause I’m LEAVING ON A JET PLANE, DON’T KNOW WHEN I’LL BE BACK AGAIN…OH BABE I HATE TO GO…"      

"I am going to personally castrate each and every one of you when you least expect it!" I snapped, my face blood red as I went around the table and bestowed hugs. Everyone in the restaurant was staring at us. A few people laughed, a few people clapped, and the others just stared and/or glared.

                "Be careful," Nick said, hugging me tight. "I’ll miss you."

"Miss you, too, little brother," I told him. He rolled his eyes. Everyone wished us luck and care, and then Lance and I finally escaped to yet another loud chorus.

Lance and I said a passionate goodbye in one of the stairwells at the airport. He was off to his private jet flight, and I was off to my first class seat out west. I brooded on my flight to Oregon, totally confused by my emotions. I cared for Lance, really I did.  He was everything I had dreamed he would be, and much more. Not only was he sweet, intelligent, and caring, but he was also a hellion in bed and full of fun and excitement wherever we were. And the Backstreet Boys. Why did I even care that they gave me the cold shoulder the day before? Why did I get so happy when they paid us all the attention at breakfast? I shook my head and the man next to me smiled.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," I sighed, though I knew I was certifiable. Greg kept looming on the edge of my mind, like some dark shadow. I still had feelings for him; I wasn’t one to turn off love at the drop of a hat. I knew he was not the person I was meant to be with, and that all the months we had been together I had been in a BIG state of denial. I mentally did some figuring and realized I had been with him over nine months. I gasped in silent horror. I could have gotten pregnant…there were a lot of times we did not use precautions, and the Pill was not one hundred percent reliable. I shuddered at the thought of having Greg’s baby inside of me.

"Are you SURE you’re okay?" The man next to me said. I looked at him closely for the first time. He was quite a deal older than I, and looked vaguely familiar.

"Yes, I’m sure, Mr…"

"Cassidy. David Cassidy."

My mouth dropped open. "Oh my God…David Cassidy. As in Keith Partridge David Cassidy? As in Partridge Family-canned laughter-corny jokes-David Cassidy?" I squeaked.

He roared with laughter. "Yes…I guess that’s me. And you are?"

"Um…uh…Silver Mulholland," I stammered. I couldn’t believe this. No one I KNEW would believe this.

"The writer? Very pleased to meet you." He held out his hand.

"You know my name?"

"Many people do, believe it or not," he told me. I blushed. David Cassidy knew my name!

"Mr. Cassidy, I am so sorry for acting like a buffoon, but…it’s just…I have had this major crush on you since forever and…"

"NOW you’re making me feel old. You can’t be more then, what, thirty?"

"Twenty-seven," I confessed. I dug threw my bag and pulled out his CD "Old Dog New Tricks." "Could you sign this, please?"

"Only if you call me David," he told me. I nodded and ordered my mouth to quit drooling. He scribbled his name on the CD and handed it back. I internally squealed when I saw it had "to Silver" on it. "You wanna tell me why you were having such a mental battle with yourself?"

"Long LONG story," I told him. The flight attendant stopped by and he ordered a soda. I ordered a wine cooler. I needed it.  "Basically I am torn between quite a few men, and one of them is WAY wrong for me."

"Why do you need any man at all?" He asked. I froze. Was he insinuating…? "No, not that!" He said quickly. "Why can’t you just be yourself? Do you really NEED a man except for a good roll in the hay occasionally?"

It was my turn to roar with laughter, but I thought about what he said…and realized he was absolutely right.

I almost skipped off the plane. David Cassidy had sat next to me all the way to Oregon. David Cassidy had signed my CD.  David Cassidy had let me have my picture taken with him. David Cassidy had told me to stop by whenever I was in Las Vegas to see him in his casino show. I almost forgot to look for the girl holding a sign with my name on it.

"Amanda?" I hoped I had the right name. The blonde’s blue eyes sparkled.

"Yes! I’m Amanda!" She pulled me into a crushing hug. "I’m sorry, but I’m just so excited! I can’t believe we’re gonna meet the Backstreet Boys!" She grabbed my backpack and slung it over her shoulder cheerfully. She chattered all the way to the baggage area, then suddenly stopped short. "I assure you that I will be NOTHING like this when I meet Brian…I mean the Boys. I just need to get it out of my system now…and the fact that I get to meet YOU in the bargain is just awesome!" And off she went again. I had to laugh and enjoy her joyfulness.

We crashed at Amanda’s apartment that night, and she questioned me into the wee hours all about the Backstreet Boys and what they were really like. I finally got her to calm down by agreeing to go to her computer and post an email to the list as myself, Silver Mulholland, instead of the secret screen name I had been using. Immediately a flood of emails came back, asking me about my books and how I became a writer. Amanda moved me into a private Internet chat room, and I was soon talking to ten people at once. It was very flattering to my confused and wounded heart, and it was after midnight her time before I finally told them all I had to go. I signed onto my personal email. There was a message from "James Lance", and I smiled to myself. Attached were scans of pictures we had taken in Atlanta, in one of those little photo booths. Amanda, who was making up a bed for me on her sofa, casually glanced over my shoulder. She dropped the blankets and shrieked.

"Oh MY God…is that Lance Bass?"

"Yes," I said calmly, minimizing the screen so she couldn’t see the steamy email that had accompanied the pictures.

"You were with Lance Bass…you KNOW Lance Bass…you’re DATING Lance Bass?"

"You could say that," I replied casually.

She shook her head and picked up the blankets. "Kelley and Ari are gonna flip."

I answered back with an email just as steamy and shut down her computer. I went and changed into old pjs and climbed under the covers. Amanda’s bedroom was just across from the living room, and if we talked loudly, we could hear each other. I sighed as I burrowed under the covers. It was so nice being just a woman talking with a friend…and not a woman desperately trying to keep her head above water.

I groaned as our flight landed in Minnesota the next afternoon. It just didn’t seem right for ME to be the one gallivanting around the country when it was Greg’s fucking idea to write this book. Jet lag was quickly taking over, and all I wanted was a good nap. I woke up enough to follow Amanda down the tunnel to the airport, and I stood back as she hugged a girl with auburn hair and sparkling green eyes.

"Kelley," she said, shaking my hand. I mumbled something incoherently.

"Is she hung over?" Kelley asked Amanda.

"No, I most certainly am NOT!" I snapped at her.

"Jet lag?" Kelley asked as if I had never spoken. Amanda nodded. I glared at them. "Okay. Back to my place for a nap." I could have kissed her toes.

She flew down the highway, barely missing catastrophe a million times, with Amanda talking nonstop. I stumbled in the door that Kelley held open, and she directed me to a spare bedroom. She told me she’d be back in two hours to waken me, and shut the door.

Two hours later, true to her word, Kelley knocked on my door. "What time is it?" I mumbled.

"Close to five."

"’K," I said. She closed the door and I buried my head under the pillow.

"Wake up." The door opened again.

"I’m up," I said clearly. Door closed…head under pillow.

"NOW!" She barked through the closed door. I threw the pillow at it and pulled myself to a sitting position. I changed into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt and walked out the door into the living room. They smiled at me.

"Wanna try this again?" Kelley said in a way that was part smartass, part innocence. I glared at her, then smiled.

"Hi…my name is Silver Mulholland." I held out my hand.

"Kelley Leffler." We shook hands, and cracked up.

"Are you always such a bitch?" I asked, curling up into a corner of the sofa.

"No. You haven’t seen bitch yet. You will, however, if what Amanda tells me is true." Kelley leaned forward from the other end of the sofa. "You are dating Lance Bass?"

"Umm…kinda," I hedged, smiling broadly.

"You have fucked him, have you not?"

"KELLEY!" Amanda yelled.

"Yes, I have," I said calmly.

"You BITCH!" Kelley yelled, but in an affectionate tone. She sighed. "I guess I’ll have to settle for Howie…or Kevin…or Nick."

"NOT Brian," Amanda ordered.

"Honey, I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot microphone," Kelley told her. "He’s too much the little brother type." She sighed again, dramatically this time. "Now, LANCE…he really melts my butter."

"You keep your butter to yourself," I said, hitting her with a sofa cushion. "He doesn’t need an old wench like you."

"Ha! I could teach him some things YOU’VE only written about in books, lady."

"Where do you think I do my research?" I snapped, and she and Amanda rolled.

The three of us went out to dinner, and hit it off instantly. Kelley was exactly what I needed at this moment in time. She was fun, she was smart, and her razor sharp wit had us cracking up.

"Let’s go out tonight," she suggested. "I know this great bar that plays seventies, eighties, and nineties music, and the drinks are cheap." I was motioning for her to shut up, and finally discreetly winked in Amanda’s direction. "Or we could stay in and rent a movie," she quickly suggested.

"No, you guys can go out," Amanda said, smiling at my obviousness. "I’m used to staying in. If Kel doesn’t mind me using her computer, I’ll be good."

"Are you sure?" I asked anxiously.

"Positive."

"So…how serious is this Lance Bass thing?" Kelley asked nonchalantly as we primped in front of her dresser mirror. I had on the little blue dress from the party, but with a short black jacket over top. Kelley had on a black miniskirt with an emerald green top that was worn off the shoulders.

"Um…not too serious. More serious then "recreational sex", but not as serious as walking down the aisle or anything. I’m kinda on the rebound." I carefully applied black eyeliner.

"Good." She snapped her lipstick shut. "He’s in trouble." I laughed and we went out front to wait for a taxi, calling good-byes to Amanda.

We arrived at the bar around ten. Kelley was right…the bar was awesome. We had a few drinks, then moved to the dance floor. The music was fun, and two or three guys gave us double takes. They soon moved in, and we had drinks all the way around before we knew what was happening. After about the fourth round, we tipsily shooed the guys away and sat down at an empty table in the back. Kelley waved a waitress over and we ordered yet another round.

"Okay…tell me about Lance." She clumsily placed a hand on my arm. "What’s he like? Small? Big? Long? Short?"

"I don’t fuck and tell," I said snootily. "But I WILL tell you about this great little trick he can do…" I went on to describe in detail until she was almost drooling.

"I didn’t know ANYONE could do that."

"Trust me," I said, nodding my head vigorously.

"What would you take for him?" She thought seriously for a moment. "I could give you my car. Or my apartment. Would you like my apartment?"

I laughed hysterically. "No, no. Not enough. You’ll just have to settle for a Backstreet Boy."

"Okay," she said soberly. "Which one of them did you do?"

"None," I said sadly. "Not that they aren’t appealing, but I…I…I can’t." Even in my drunken state, I couldn’t tell her about the book. "Besides, Lance is just temporary. He told me." I pouted. "Lancey and I are just friends," I sighed.

"Good friends," Kelley reminded me.

"Good friends," I agreed. "I am ON THE REBOUND," I announced to the room at large, throwing my arms wide. A large man behind me grabbed one of my hands and kissed it.

"I caught the rebound!"

"Fuck off," Kelley said, shoving him until he let go. She returned to her seat. "On the rebound?"

I decided to tell her. I had to tell SOMEONE. "I had a nine month affair with my manager," I said. Her mouth dropped open.

"You’re kidding."

"Nope. Stupid, huh?"

"Did you love him?"

"Still do…kinda. He was nice to me," I insisted. "Got me good deals, gave GREAT oral sex, even hit me." That slipped out before I realized it was NOT a good trait.

"He HIT you?" She shrieked. I nodded.

"But I left him right after that."

"Good. Is he still your manager?"

I nodded sadly. "I have no choice. I have to put up with him."

"Fuck him…fuck all men." Kelley picked up her glass and toasted me. "To women…the sexiest creatures on the planet."

"To us!" I said loudly. "Fuck Greg…Fuck Lance…fuck them all!"

"Lance first," Kelley said, and we burst into hysterical laughter.

Kelley and I did not speak a word the entire flight to Maryland the next morning. I couldn’t. It caused earthquakes in my head if

I even breathed too hard.

"Promise me something," I whispered to her as the plane landed.

"Shhh!" She snapped. "Stop yelling."

"Never let me drink like that again."

"Deal, but you can’t let me do it, either."

"Okay," I murmured.

Amanda pranced down the tunnel, throwing herself in Ari’s arms. She introduced Ari to Kelley and I, and we grumbled a greeting. She stared at us with her green eyes for a moment, then turned to Amanda.

"Jet lag?" Amanda shook her head. "Hung over?" Amanda nodded emphatically. Ari cracked up. "Figures." She glanced at a clock on the wall that read eleven-thirty. "You guys want breakfast?"

"Coffee," I mumbled, and Kelley grunted an assent. We picked up our luggage and headed for Ari’s car. She stopped at a diner not far from the airport and we piled into a booth. Kelley and I immediately ordered coffee and toast.

"I hope you guys are more entertaining than this," Ari remarked.

"I didn’t know there was someone who was more of a smartass then you," I said to Kelley.

"Thank you for the compliment," Ari replied pleasantly.

"Guess what," Amanda said to her as Kelley and I lost ourselves in our coffee. "Guess who Silver is dating?"

"If you say AJ McLean I will choke you," Ari said to Amanda but glaring at me.

"Nope! Lance Bass."

Ari choked on her coffee. "You are FUCKING kidding me," she gasped. I shook my head carefully, then pulled out a picture I had someone take of us in Atlanta. "Holy FUCKING shit!" She wailed, grabbing the picture. "My Lancers," she moaned, and I glared at her, giving her a ‘hands off’ look. She sighed and gave it back. "Guess that means AJ is up for grabs." For some reason, that statement bothered me, but I pushed that thought aside. "So…we’re in Baltimore until Thursday. Anything you guys wanna do especially?"

"What do you suggest?" Amanda asked.

"Sleep," Kelley and I said at the same time.

"Okay…home first so the babies can take their naps, and then we’ll see what comes next."

Kelley and I slept until almost four in the afternoon, crashed on the bed in Ari’s guestroom. I wandered to the bathroom and made myself…expunge the poisons from my stomach, and then I felt much better.

"Hi, Silver Mulholland. Nice to meet you." I shook Ari’s hand, as did Kelley.

"MUCH better. Now you look like human beings." Ari glared at me. "Now…about this Lance Bass thing." I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"I thought you guys were BACKSTREET BOYS fans."

                "We are…but there’s nothing wrong with a little extracurricular lusting," Kelley pointed out to me.

"Since it’s so late, how about we just grab dinner and crash around here tonight, and then tomorrow we can go into Inner Harbor and go shopping and go to the aquarium and stuff."

"Aquarium…as in sharks?" I whispered.

"They usually hang out there, yes," Ari said, giving me a strange look. I shuddered. I feared sharks more than anything on the planet. The only person I had ever met who even remotely shared my fear was Nick, and we had discussed it often on the bus.  "But they’re behind thick glass, so don’t you worry." She patted my shoulder maternally, and I gave her the finger.

The sharks were indeed behind thick glass, but I still grabbed Kelley’s arm tight enough to give her a bruise. Ari and Amanda found this to be quite funny, and enjoyed teasing me about it the rest of the day in Baltimore. We hit an all ages club that night, and Kelley and I behaved ourselves…at least as far as drinking was concerned. All four of us quickly found a man to groove with, and I mentally kicked myself for sitting around every night, waiting for Greg to call, instead of out shaking my booty with all the hotties that were actually SINGLE.

"I’m gonna tell Lance on you!" Ari shouted as I let the gorgeous blond I was dancing with do a body shot off of me.

"I’m gonna tell AJ you’re a lesbian!" I shouted back. Kelley and Amanda screamed with laughter.

Our new friends took us out for a 3 am breakfast. I was digging into a pile of pancakes when my pager went off. I checked the message and blushed. Ari grabbed it.

"Let me call him…PUHLEEZE?" She begged. I grabbed the pager back and went to a pay phone.

"Hi, baby," he said in his sexy voice. I shuddered.

"Lance, don’t take this the wrong way, but please don’t ever call me baby," I said softly.

"Sure, Silver, I’m sorry." He paused. "Hi, you fucking sexy woman, you."

"Now THAT’S more like it," I said, giggling.

"Miss me?"

"I’ve been sleeping with women ever since I left you. Of course I miss you." I kicked myself as soon as the words were out.  That was NOT how I had planned it to sound. He laughed.

"Oooh…sounds kinky. Can I join?"

"You don’t know how happy it would make these girls. Two of them are creaming themselves every time I talk about you."

"Did you tell them how I…"

"Yes, one of them." I blushed at the memory. "Here…let me make someone’s day." I waved Ari over and gave her the phone.

Her voice shook as she said, "Hello?"

I mouthed to her that it would be only five minutes, then went back to inhale my pancakes. I came back and she reluctantly gave me the phone back. "She seems nice enough," he commented.

"You realize you just made her millennium. Wait until she gets to meet you. She BETTER stay away from you. Kelley, too," I snapped.

"Jealous much?"

"Even though you don’t care for me that much, I…"

"Whoa. Hold up. I didn’t say I don’t care for you, Silver. I just said I know we won’t last. There’s a difference."

"Okay," I said softly. He stayed on the phone for a few more minutes, telling me all the things he was gonna do to me when he saw me again, and I crawled back to the table with a goofy smile on my face.

We caught a flight late in the morning to Alabama, and with layovers and such it was early evening until we landed. Shae and Kayla were impatiently waiting outside the gate. The five girls greeted each other with shrieks and hugs while I hung back. I didn’t have many close female friends; I had wasted all my time sitting around waiting for nothing. I was beginning to realize in more ways than one what a mistake that was.

"This is Silver." Kelley grabbed my arm and dragged me over. Kayla gave me a friendly smile, but Shae gave me a huge hug.

"This is like a dream come true!" She squealed. "Thank you so much!"

For the first time, I realized what a big deal it was for these girls to be doing this. I had met a bunch of famous people because of my job, but I remembered how I had felt while sitting next to David Cassidy. This was even bigger for them. I made a decision then and there. I was NOT going to let this damned book ruin THEIR lives.

"You’re welcome," I said. We headed for the baggage carousel.

Since we had to catch an early flight to Houston the next morning, we just all crashed at Kayla’s apartment. She was still packing.

"The weather in Texas is relatively warm. How about this?" She held up a cute little mini-dress.

"And just WHERE are you gonna wear that?" Amanda asked, helping to fold socks into neat piles.

"When I meet them. When ARE we meeting them, right away?" It was obvious that Kayla believed in getting right to the point.

"Um…uh…" I stammered. I hadn’t gotten that far yet. "Um, well…let’s see…today is Thursday…the guys MUST be there Sunday at the latest but I’m pretty sure they’ll come in after the show in Louisiana, so they’ll PROBABLY be there Sunday morning."

"And when do we…"

"Well…I think they’ll probably look me up somehow, so I would think sometime Sunday afternoon."

"That is fantastic!" Ari squealed, bouncing around on the bed.

"Watch it!" Kayla snapped, barely getting her jewelry bag out of the way of Ari’s dancing feet.

"Sorry." Ari plopped down to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Um…do you think I could set up my laptop in the spare room? I really gotta get some writing done, and I should also email my manager." Kelley shot me a look, and I shot one back that I hoped reassured her that it would be only business. She had promised not to say anything to the other girls about Greg, and I believed her.

"You could just use my computer," Kayla offered.

"No thanks…I have everything all loaded into my laptop, plus I kinda need to be where it’s quiet."

"Sure…go ahead."

"We’ll come get you when the pizzas get here," Kel told me.

I went into the guestroom and closed the door. As soon as I was online, I sent an email to Greg, addressing it to Mr. Rose. I knew that would piss him off. I explained how things were going, and that I hoped to give the guys some time with the fans on Sunday.

I ended that email and started one to Lance. I told him how friendly everyone was, and how out of hand Kelley and I had gotten the other evening. I did NOT tell him about our night in Baltimore with Mr. Body Shot. I ended by saying how much I missed him and that I hoped he hadn’t forgotten me yet.

"Silver! Pizza!" Amanda yelled. I snapped the laptop shut and ran out to have dinner with my new friends.

"WHY did we stay up until four?" Kelley grumbled as our plane landed in Houston the next afternoon.

"I don’t know why. I swear, I haven’t gotten more then three hours sleep since I left Raleigh," I told her. "That is the first thing I’m doing when we get there…sleeping."

"So are they gonna be in our hotel?" Shae asked. I nodded.

"They’ll have a secure floor, and as far as I know so will we, on the floor above or below them."

"Hmmm…I’ll be on top of or underneath AJ McLean," Ari said dreamily. I reached across the aisle and smacked her. She gave me the finger.

We reached the hotel, and we were indeed located on a secure floor. I figured this was because the guys would probably be running up and down between our floor and theirs. We got situated in our rooms. Kayla, Shae, and Ari wanted to go shopping, but Amanda and I took naps to recover from jetlag. I was thankful that the next few trips I’d be taking would be in the same time zone.

I was awakened at six by a pounding on my door. "AJ, I am going to kill you," I mumbled, before I realized that AJ was still in Louisiana. It was Kelley. I moved aside to let her in, and then I returned to burrow under the covers of the bed.

"Are we doing dinner or what?"

"Yeah," I grumbled, rubbing my eyes. "I’ll get dressed in a minute."

"So…you sure you’re okay with Greg still being your manager?" Kelley asked as I slowly sat up.

"Yes, Mom, I’m sure. It’s totally business now. I’ve done a lot of thinking and what David Cassidy said was right. He said…"

"WAIT? David Cassidy? You met David Cassidy?" She shrieked. "David Cassidy was giving you his philosophy on relationships?" I told the whole story while I washed my face. "He’s right," she decided, "though I would really like to find someone special…like Lance."

"Well, Lance is someone special, but he’s not MY someone special. What we have isn’t gonna last, we both know that."

"YES!" Kelley shrieked, and I laughed.

We decided to splurge and go downstairs to the hotel’s fancy dining room, and the later go upstairs to the dance club on the top floor. We dressed for the club, and we caught many admiring glances from men dining around the room.

"Amanda! That guy over there is staring at you," Kayla whispered, discreetly nodding in that direction. Amanda turned, smiled, and then blew her strawpaper at him. Shae and Ari laughed as the rest of us groaned. The rest of the dinner passed pretty much uneventfully. We were sitting back with full stomachs when the waiter came over carrying a bottle of champagne.

"Um…we didn’t order this," Kayla told him.

"I understand, miss, but some gentlemen requested that you have it," he told her. He eyed the rest of us. "You are all of age, correct?" We nodded as one. He snapped his fingers and a wine steward brought six glasses. He filled them all and bowed as he left the table. We looked at each other in wonderment. The waiter returned with a folded note, which he handed to me. The other girls looked at me expectantly.

Hey, sexy lady, what will it take to get you to go home with me? Will a bottle of wine do? Love, Alan, Anthony, James, Randall, and Scott, I read.

"Who are they?" Kelley asked.

"I have no idea," I said, looking around the room. "I just know that…" I caught sight of bright red hair and jumped to my feet with a shriek.

I threw myself into Joey’s arms. "What are you guys doing here?" I exclaimed, hugging Joey, then Chris, then JC, then Justin, and finally Lance.

"I thought Greg told you," Justin said, confused.

"Greg who?"

"Gregory Rose…your manager," Chris added.

"He wants you to do a book on us after you finish this one," Lance said, smiling broadly. "Isn’t that great? You can tour with us this summer…and write just like you’re writing now."

"Yeah, great…" I said faintly. I shook myself out of it. There was NO way I could let on what was happening with the Backstreet Boys book. "Come on…lemme introduce you to the girls."

I led Nsync to the table, and I saw all five girls almost have a heart attack. "I guess you know these guys, but this is Lance, Justin, JC, Joey, and Chris. This is Amanda, Ari, Kelley, Kayla, and Shae."

Everyone said hi, and more chairs were brought around the table. Chris sat next to Amanda, JC next to Kayla, Joey next to Shae, Justin between Ari and Kelley, and Lance next to me. "Will you be here all the way through to Dallas?" I asked Lance.  He shook his head.

"Nope. We’re just here tonight to surprise you. We have some meetings to go to with Jive and some people from your publisher, and then we’ll be in Dallas for that shindig of yours. Can I be your date?"

"Of course," I said, smiling broadly. Shae looked at us and rolled her eyes.

"Why don’t you just go up to a room and get it on now," she asked, "instead of later."

"No, they wouldn’t wanna do THAT," Ari said quickly. "We were gonna go dancing. You guys wanna come?"

I had to smile at Ari’s attempt to keep Lance away from me. It wasn’t going to work. As soon as I got him upstairs, I was going to…

"That sounds fun," Lance told her. "For a while, anyway." I laughed out loud at the disappointed look on Ari’s face.

We finished the bottle of champagne and made our way up to the club. The guys tried to politely pay attention to all of us, since there was an extra female. Lance danced with all of the girls, twice with Ari, which made her day. He came back to my side as I saw her run out of the club.

"Did you molest my new friend?" I asked in mock anger. "Not that she wouldn’t welcome it."

"No…her pager went off. It was her sister or something."

Two minutes later Ari came running up to me. "Silver, I have to go home."

"What?" I gasped. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes, it is, but my parents got called out of town suddenly, and my sister’s home alone. She hates that kinda thing, and I don’t wanna leave her there alone. They’ll be gone for two weeks."

"Would you mind sharing a room with her?" I asked suddenly.

"No," she said, looking at me strangely.

"Can she be alone for a few days, like until we get to San Antonio on the first?"

"Sure," she replied. I handed her my room key.

"Go down to my room. My purse is in my backpack. Take out my AMEX card and call the airline. Get your sister a flight to San Antonio, and she can hook up with you there."

"Are you sure?" Ari said, smiling.

"Yep. Now get on the phone!" Ari gave me a big hug and ran out of the club. Lance took me in his arms as a slow song came on.

"You’re so sweet," he murmured in my ear.

"Not really…I just…"

"No, you are. I should know." He licked a line up my neck and I whimpered. "Ready to leave?" I nodded. "Stay here. I’ll go tell JC we’re rolling."

I caught Kelley’s eye as Lance made his way to where JC was dancing with Shae. I pointed to Lance, myself, and the door, and she nodded to show she understood, sticking her tongue out at me. Lance reappeared at my side, and we left without a word.

We made it inside the elevator before we attacked each other. From floor sixteen to floor ten our tongues dueled as our hands roamed all over each other. We calmed down as the doors opened, and sedately made our way to my room. The door was barely shut before Lance advanced on me, lust making his eyes a smoky blue-grey-green.

I pretended to be frightened, walking backwards to the bed. "Lance…now…can’t we just talk? I’m not that kind of girl!" I protested, trying not to giggle.

"The hell you aren’t," he growled, grabbing my arm. He yanked down the zipper on my dress, and all but ripped it from my shoulders. I ran my fingers through his hair as we kissed and the dress dropped to a puddle at my feet. I grabbed his shirt and yanked. Buttons flew as the shirt tore right down the front. He gasped, but spun me around to quickly unhook my bra. It fell to the floor, as did my underwear. I turned back around and fought with his belt, finally winning the battle. He had nothing on under his pants, and I swallowed deeply. I sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed his backside, moaning as my tongue flicked at the precum on the tip of him. He yanked my hair out of its ponytail and grabbed handfuls of it. "Damn…Silver…God…" he moaned as I sucked him as if my life depended on it. My hands trailed up and down his thighs as I tried to taste every inch of him. He finally shoved me back down onto the bed. Lance started at my ankles and licked the entire length of both my legs until I was a quivering mass of Jello. He flicked his tongue just once over my center as he climbed up to face me. "Your choice," he teased, letting his fingers dip inside of me once…twice. "Mmmm," he said, sucking my wetness off of his fingers. I whimpered.

"I…can’t…you decide…" I panted, my back arching as I felt three fingers go inside of me.

"But it’s so hard," he told me. "You taste so good…" sucking his fingers once more "but I want to fuck you hard. Is that what you want, Silver?" The fingers went inside of me again. "Do you want me to fuck you good and hard?"

"Yes…" I whispered, wanting nothing more.

"You’re sure you don’t want me to just…taste you for a while?" He trailed my own wetness up my chest. I rolled him over and impaled myself on his hard cock before he knew what was happening. He groaned and grabbed my hips, slamming me down harder. The lust in his eyes alone was enough to bring me over, and I cried out his name. In an instant he flipped me over and bent down to drink the juices that flowed from me, moaning in appreciation. He then came up to place my legs against his chest, and he began to thrust into me as hard as he could. His hands gripped my thighs as he got close, and once again I came as Lance emptied himself inside of me.

I reached over for Lance the next morning, but the pillow beside me was empty. I sighed and looked at the clock. It was almost ten. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. My teddy bear was next to me, with a note inserted into the blue ribbon around his neck. I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye, but you looked so sweet sleeping there that I couldn’t bear to waken you.  I’ll be thinking of you until Dallas. Sweet sweet kisses, Lance. I smiled as I remembered the song the guys had sung in the dining room in Raleigh…I’m standing here outside your door…I hate to wake you up to say goodbye…

I sighed and stretched big. I reached for the phone and called Ari.

"It’s about time, sleepyhead. What…were you too busy all night long to get any sleep?" There was only slight resentment in her voice. "We’ve been up for about thirty minutes. Everyone’s in my room…come down."

I hung up without even saying anything and pulled on some sweats. For some reason, I missed Lance so much it hurt. I didn’t even bother putting on shoes as I padded down the hallway to Ari’s room, two doors down. The door was ajar and I slipped inside. Everyone was dressed and lounging around the living room area in front of the TV.

"Hey!" Shae said, smiling at me.

"Hey," I said softly. I sat next to Amanda, who placed a hand on my knee.

"You okay?" She asked. I nodded.

"I miss him," I finally admitted. "I didn’t think I would…but I do. He’s a great guy." I blinked quickly to stop the tears. "But it’s not gonna work out so I need to just get over it."

"You know what I think," Kelley observed. "I think you’re just not used to having a man treat you good, am I right?" I gave her an incredulous look, but she continued. "Lance is your transitional man. He’s wonderful, handsome, sweet, and the sex is fantastic. Am I right?" I nodded again. "But he’s not THE ONE. He’s just your practice man until you find THE ONE."

"What do you do for a living again?" Kayla asked. "Are you a radio shrink or something?" Everyone laughed, and even I had to smile.

"So…what are we doing today? I can’t just sit around…I’m too nervous about meeting Brian…I mean, the Backstreet Boys!"  Amanda bounced up and down on the sofa.

"They won’t be here until tomorrow," Ari reminded her.

"I know…but I’ll still go crazy ‘til then."

"Did you get in touch with your sister?" I suddenly remembered.

"Yes! She’ll fly into San Antonio on the morning of the first," Ari told me. She quickly filled everyone in on what I had done for them.

"It wasn’t much…really…I had some extra in my savings, and I can try to find a way to write it off as an expense," I said modestly as they all exclaimed at my generosity.

"Well, let’s go shopping or something so Amanda doesn’t bounce a hole through the sofa," Kayla suggested. "Maybe we can go to a movie or something tonight."

"Good call." I stood. "Before we go, though, I need to call my manager, and I wanna work out. Anyone up for it?" I was answered by grumbles. "Oh…come on. It’ll be cool! I don’t really work out…I kinda do this mixture of Taebo and dance.  You’ll like it." I was answered by grumbles again, but this time they were in the affirmative. "Great. I’ll meet y’all down in the gym."

I jogged down to my room. I called Greg’s cellphone. No answer. I gritted my teeth and called his home number. His wife answered. "Hello?"

                I swallowed deeply. Even though we were no longer together, at least in my mind, the fact that he had a wife disturbed me.  "H-hello, Mrs. Rose…this is Silver Mulholland."

"Yes! Silver! You don’t have to call me Mrs. Rose. Valerie is fine. How are you?"

"Fine, Mrs…I mean, Valerie. I’m sorry to call on a Saturday but something has come up and I need to talk to Gregory."

"It’s no problem at all," she replied. "He’s out working in the garden again. Let me get him."

I grumbled as I waited. Greg had told me he HATED working outside. Probably another lie. "Hello?"

"Good morning, Gregory," I said politely. "I’m sorry to bother you but…"

"Silver! What the hell are you calling me at HOME for?" He growled.

"This is business, Gregory. We no longer have anything but a working relationship, remember?" I snapped back. "I want to know what the FUCK is up with this Nsync book deal! What’s going on?"

"Isn’t it a great idea?" Greg was suddenly enthusiastic. "Since you’ve wormed your way into the Nsync family as well, I figured you could write the same sort of tell-all book about them!"

"I haven’t WORMED my way anywhere!" I began.

"Oh, that’s right…my mistake. You fucked your way there."

I wondered what I had ever loved in this snake of a man. "Gregory, I am not doing anything like that. What happened to our deal? You promised me that I could do the book I wanted after I finish this sordid thing for you!"

"Well…I’ve altered the deal a bit."

"No…no way…I’m already gonna be ruining five lives…I’m not ruining five more!" I shouted.

"You’ll do it…or I’ll tell EVERYONE exactly what you’re writing there…and I’ll tell them NOW. Not only will you lose your new little girlfriends, you’ll lose all your boyfriends as well, including your little Lancey. We’ll discuss this later!" He slammed down the phone. I stared at my own phone as I hung up. I took a ragged breath, my mind racing. I decided that I HAD to find a way around this or die trying. I pushed the whole thing out of my mind and went to change clothes.

I got down to the gym and was the first one there. I had figured as much. I started stretching, mentally going through the tapes I had brought along, trying to figure out what would be easiest for everyone to follow along with. One by one the girls filed into the small dance studio. I went over to the stereo and popped in the remix I had asked Justin to make of "Bye Bye Bye."

"Okay…I want you guys to just listen to this first, that way you might know what’s coming up next," I told them.

"Yes, ma’am," Shae answered politely. I rolled my eyes.

Amidst much giggling, we actually got through one routine that I pretty much made up as we went along. "You’re right, Silver, this IS pretty cool," Kayla remarked.

"And the fact that I can do it without hurting myself or someone else says a lot," Shae added.

"Oooh!" Ari exclaimed. She had been flipping through my CDs. "Do you have one for this?" She waved my remix single of "Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)."

"Well, not actually. I haven’t had that very long and…"

"Ya know what would be cool?" Kelley suggested. "Using the choreography from the video in your routine for that one."

"What video?" I asked. They all turned to stare at me.

"You’re kidding, right?" Amanda asked slowly. I shook my head.

"I’ve never seen that video."

Kayla, who had been lounging the floor, bounced up to her feet. "Okay, girls, off to the showers. We need to find a copy of this video for Miss Silver here." I was dragged out the door and dropped off at my room before I knew what was happening.

About twenty-five minutes later we hit the streets of Houston.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"We’re going to find a place for you to see this video. If you think they’re hot in person…" Amanda began.

"Wait until you see Kevin with his chest all hanging out of that shirt," Kelley said, drooling.

"And Howie as a vampire," Kayla added.

"Oh God yes…" Kelley agreed.

"Look! There’s a Blockbuster video! Maybe we can talk them into playing it," Ari suggested. I was pulled across the street into the video store.

"Guys, this really isn’t necessary and…" I began, but no one was listening. Ari and Shae approached the woman behind the counter.

"Excuse me…our friend here has never seen a certain video that could really improve her life. Could you possibly play it?" Ari asked politely. Amanda ran towards the front desk with a video in her hand.

"This has some of their videos on it, as well as the making of them," Amanda told me.

"Um, well…" the woman began, glancing at me. She did a double take. "Aren’t you Silver Mulholland?"

"Uh, yes, I am," I replied, always a bit shy when someone recognized me.

"Oh my GOD! This is incredible!" She pulled one of my books from a bag under the counter. "Please autograph this! I’ll play whatever you want!"

I quickly scribbled my name inside the cover, and Kelley told the woman exactly what counter number the video started at. I stared at her. "You guys are obsessive," I said, shaking my head and chuckling. But as the video started, I could see what all the drooling was about. The song was awesome; I already knew that. But the choreography and theme of the video made it ten times better. By the end, I myself was quivering in the knees. Were those the guys I had spent so much time with?

"We have it for sale on the previously viewed wall," the clerk suggested. I was at that section before she finished her sentence.

We stopped at a sidewalk café for lunch around one o’clock. Kayla had bought a paper, and we argued over what to see as we dug into our salads. I sighed a happy sigh. Amanda looked at me strangely.

"I haven’t had a day like this in a long time," I told her, mentally kicking myself for all the months of loneliness that I could only blame myself for. "I just got out of a relationship that monopolized a lot of my time. I don’t really have any female friends."

"Well, now you do," Ari said, tossing a piece of bread at me.

"And such mature friends they are, too," I replied, tossing it back.

"It just sucks that we’re so spread out across the country," Shae pointed out with a frown.

"Well, Miss Moneybags here can afford to fly us all around," Kelley teased. I poked her.

"Hardly. I’m not MADE of money, you know, and who knows how this book is gonna do," I said, hating the thought of that damned book.

"Tell us about the book. What’s it gonna be like? What’s gonna make it different then any other Backstreet book?" Kayla asked curiously. For a split second I hated her for making me think about that book yet again, but that moment quickly came and went.

"You’ll just have to wait and see," I said haughtily, spearing a piece of lettuce with my fork. She stuck her tongue out at me.

"It’s too nice out to see a movie," Shae decided. It was unseasonably warm that day. "Let’s shop for some kickass outfits to meet the guys in."

"Is that all you guys do?" I joked. "Talk online and shop?" They all nodded as one, and I burst out laughing. "Hey, I have an idea. Let’s go shopping. I’m gonna buy you guys the PERFECT outfits to meet the guys in."

"Can we trust you?" Amanda asked hesitantly. I could see her mind work as she evaluated my wardrobe.

"Of course, Topaz," I said slyly. They all froze in midbite.

"How did you know about that?" Shae gasped.

"I read the archives for that one list you were on. It’s from that story that the list owner wrote, right?"

"Yeah…Lara…" Ari reminded me. "Didn’t you ask her to come along to this thing?"

"I did email her, but she told me that she was too busy getting things together for her wedding, and also didn’t have the time to take off from work," I told them.

"Damn…it would be a helluva lot of fun if she were here," Kelley mused.

"Sorry…you’ll have to settle for me," I replied. She stuck her tongue out at me. "And it’s good she’s NOT here, because no one wears midnight blue but ME."

We hit a string of boutiques and stores, not finding anything I was satisfied with. "More than likely, we will have dinner with the guys tomorrow night. Nothing too fancy, but you wanna look hot, right?" I said the words but didn’t mean them. I was suddenly possessive of all five Backstreet Boys, even Brian. Not that these weren’t five fantastic women, but I didn’t want to think of the guys spending any time with anyone but me. I shook my head at that thought. How rude and selfish was that?

"I never thought I could get sick of shopping," Amanda moaned. "You are a nightmare."

 "I don’t like shopping much, so I hurry to get through it," I informed her. "You think I am a nightmare…I hear shopping with AJ is ten times worse."

"But that would be different," Shae pointed out. "If we got bored, we could just sit and WATCH him."

"Maybe help him out in the dressing room," Ari mused, staring off into space. I rolled my eyes.

"Puhleeze…you guys have got it BAD." I stopped in front of a snazzy boutique. "Let’s try this, and if we can’t find anything, we’ll go home."

We walked out twenty-five minutes later, each carrying a bag. "That place was awesome! I wonder if they have a chain in Maryland," Ari said, hugging her bag.

"These outfits are so cute! Thanks so much, Silver," Shae said, hugging me.

"Well, I’m nothing if not generous," I replied, receiving many hoots and hollers in reply.

"You guys are driving me CRAZY!" I yelled at eleven-thirty that night. We were in my suite, watching a TV movie, but no one could sit still. "You won’t be seeing them for like eighteen hours or something. Can’t you calm down?"

"Nope." Amanda said, pacing between the sofa and the kitchen for the tenth time.

"I shoulda never let you guys order ice cream," I said with a sigh. "The last thing you and Ari needed was sugar."

"Don’t bring me into this. I haven’t left this seat for the last hour," Ari retorted.

"No, but you’re foot has been swinging like you were trying to row that chair across the room," I fired back. The phone rang, and Kelley pounced on it.

"Hello," she answered in a sexy voice. "Silver? Yes, she’s here. May I ask who’s calling?" Her face went white. "Um…one moment, please." She covered the mouthpiece. "Silver, it’s Kevin Richardson!" She hissed.

"No, it’s not!" Shae squealed in a whisper.

"Yes, it is!" Kelley squealed back. I jumped up.

"Will you GIVE me the damn phone, please? Jeez…you’re like a bunch of teenyboppers or something." I grabbed the phone.  "Hi, Kevin!" I said in a sickeningly sweet voice. Everyone groaned.

"Silver…hey, how are you?" I could hear the smiles in his voice. "Are those the fans we’re hanging out with?"

"Will you guys shut up?" I hissed. "He can hear you!" I went back to Kevin. "Yep, that’s them…Kayla, Kelley, Shae, Ari, and Amanda."

"Any hot ones?"

"Kevin!" I gasped, actually shocked. I didn’t expect him to ask something like that. "Yes, uh, they’re all pretty cute."

"Sweet…one for each of us," he said, laughing. I pouted. I couldn’t help it. "But we’ll always love you best, Silver."

"Yeah, right," I griped. Remember Lance, I told myself. Lance wants to jump your bones on a regular basis. You don’t need Kevin Richardson or…

"Hey! Sil!" Another voice said.

"AJ!" I exclaimed, my voice rising. Ari jumped out of her chair and almost glared at me.

"Give me the phone!" She begged. I shoved her until she sat down again.

"We miss you, Sil. There’s no one here to threaten us with exposure in print if we don’t behave ourselves!" My smile faltered at AJ’s words, but I pushed the bad thoughts from my mind.

"AJ, where are you guys?"

"Piling onto the plane now. We’ll get in late, but I’m sure we’ll find you tomorrow sometime."

"Alex, if you even TRY to knock on my door when you get in tonight, I will personally castrate you," I growled.

"Don’t you dare!" Ari yelled. Everyone else giggled.

"Who was that?" AJ asked.

"One of my new little LOUD friends," I said, glaring at Ari.

"Ohhh, yes, that’s right. Well, tell them…" I heard a scuffle on the other end.

"AJ? Hello?"

"Silver?"

"Nicky! Hey, honey!" I said, wondering if I was gonna be talking to Howie and Brian, too.

"Miss me yet?"

"Of course I miss you," I gushed, receiving glares from Kayla, Amanda, and Kelley. "I miss my little bro!"

"Right," he grumbled. "Hey, AJ is hitting me so I’d better go. Tell everyone we’re looking forward to meeting them. Bye!" He quickly hung up.

"Hussy," Ari remarked as soon as I hung up.

"That was uncalled for," I said, only half joking.

"Well, you have Lance. Why do you need to flirt with all of them?" Ari almost whined. Everyone got up to leave.

"I wasn’t flirting with them!" I insisted.

"I hate to say it, Silver, but you were," Kelley told me. She gave me a hug and whispered, "But I understand why. You need to act like this right now."

"Are we working out tomorrow?" Shae asked. I nodded.

"Anyone who wants to, anyway," I said, looking at Ari, who was still in a semi-huff. I hugged them all, saving Ari for last.

"Sorry," she grumbled. "You’re not a hussy."

"Oh, yes I am," I said cheerfully. "But I assure you I have NO designs on any of the guys."

Ari smiled. "See you tomorrow morning."

I looked at the clock. I couldn’t believe it. Three in the morning and someone was knocking on my door. I went to the door, muttering curses at AJ McLean that would have made his hair fall out if he had heard them. I looked through the peephole but no one was there. I opened the door and looked down. Five long-stemmed white roses were on the floor outside my door, tied with a blue ribbon. I opened the note. Each day without you was an eternity. Miss us? We aren’t technically waking you up…the roses are…so you can’t castrate us! Love, A, B, H, K, N. I laughed and shut the door. I rolled my eyes as I quickly found a tall glass to put the roses in, and then I fell back into bed The phone rang five hours later. I picked it up and mumbled something incoherent. "Silver…it’s Kel. Are we working out?"

"Yes," I grumbled. "Give me five minutes to get up and throw on my workout clothes," I said. She hung up. I buried my face under the pillow. Five minutes later the phone rang again.

"Silver?"

"Okay, Kel, I’m up." I hung up the phone and threw back the covers, but I still didn’t get up. The phone rang a third time.

"Silver, dammit, get the fuck out of bed!" Kelley screamed.

"You know me WAY too well for the short time we’ve been hanging out," I said to her, laughing my head off. "Okay, I’m even sitting up this time…I’m standing now. I’ll be downstairs in ten."

"You’d better!" Kelley snapped.

I stretched and went to wash my face. I threw on midnight blue spandex shorts, a matching blue sports bra, and a Philadelphia Phillies baseball shirt. I pulled my hair back and bounced out the door, stopping once to smell my roses.

Kelley, Kayla and Shae were already in the studio. Ari and Amanda came down soon after I did. "It’s about time," Kelley grumbled. I punched her in the arm, hard.

"Thanks for being my alarm clock," I said sweetly. She punched me back. "Okay, kids, I’ve been running this song through my head a lot, and here’s what I came up with." I started the "Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)" CD and showed what I had thought about the night before when I was SUPPOSED to be writing. I used some of the moves from the video, along with some of my own. There was a VCR in my suite, and I had watched the video about ten times.

"I like it," Kayla said.

"Me, too," Amanda added.

"I like it, except I won’t be able to do it," Shae moaned. "Have you noticed I am a klutz?"

"Have you noticed there is nothing you could possibly break in this room?" I countered.

"Except her own leg," Kayla muttered, earning a smack from Shae.

"Come on…just try it," I begged. Shae sighed, but got in line next to the others. We ran through the routine four times without music, and I finally announced them to be ready. "You guys are such quick learners!" I gushed enthusiastically.

"Quit buttering us up," Ari told me. I smiled sweetly, rewrapping my hair up into a bun. I took off the baseball shirt.

"Uh-oh, she’s serious now," Kelley mumbled to Amanda, loud enough so I could hear.

"Well, if you’d work harder, Leffler, you might actually break out in a sweat," I told her. She glared at me playfully.

"Where and when I work up a sweat is none of your business, Mulholland," she snapped back. "For example, the other night when I was with Lance, we…"

"Enough!" I barked, sending the other girls into fits of giggles. "Let’s do this." I went over and turned on the stereo and plopped down in front of them. "I’m not leading you. Go for it."

I watched for a moment, but the groove was too good for me to resist. I stood in front of them facing the big mirror. We were halfway through the song when motion to my right caught my eye. I looked in the mirror and saw some figures in the doorway. I smiled slyly but said nothing. We ended the song and I turned around.

"Very good," I said.

"Yes, excellent," a male voice said from the doorway. Applause resounded through the room as Howie, AJ, and Kevin walked in the door. I ran over and bestowed hugs as the girls tried to get themselves together.

"I didn’t want the first time they met me to be like this!" I heard Ari wail in a whisper.

I linked my arm through Howie’s. "Guys, this is Amanda, Ari, Kayla, Kelley, and Shae," I said, pointing to each girl. "I guess you don’t need introduced, but this is Howie, Kevin, and AJ." Everyone shook hands and said hi. "Where are Brian and Nick?" I asked, noticing the disappointed look on Amanda’s face.

"Nick is still in bed. Brian had to call home quick, but he was gonna come down," Howie told me. "We figured you’d be down here."

"What in the world are you guys doing up so early? I know you couldn’t have gotten in that long ago. Thanks for the flowers, by the way," I remembered to say. Alex smiled.

"I won. I woke you up and did NOT get castrated in the process." I poked him. "So, what are you ladies up to today?" He asked the others.

"Um…nothing…shopping, maybe?" Ari was quick to suggest. AJ’s eyes lit up.

"That sounds sweet!"

The rest of us groaned. "AJ, haven’t you shopped enough for the year already?" Howie asked.

"You can never shop enough," AJ said. Ari was quick to nod in agreement.

"Well, the first thing I want to do is shower," I said. "We could meet you guys for breakfast," I suggested.

"Good. I’m starving." A voice said behind me. I whirled around to see Brian in the doorway.

"Hey, B," I said, giving him a big hug. I quickly introduced him to everyone, saving Amanda for last. She shyly smiled at him, and I was proud that she didn’t jump on him. "We’re gonna go shower and then we’ll meet y’all down in the coffee shop for breakfast," I told him. The girls sedately said goodbye, and we piled into an elevator. They just looked at each other. "Oh, go ahead," I said finally, and screams resounded throughout the tiny box.

We got back downstairs in record time. The guys were waiting down in the coffee shop. A very tired-looking Nick got up to hug me long and hard. "I missed you so much, Silver."

I tousled his hair. "You look tired, Nicky. Are you sure you’re okay?" He nodded. "Everyone, this is Nick. Nick this is Kayla, Kelley, Ari, Shae, and Amanda." He smiled at everyone, and I swore I saw Kayla and Kelley’s toes curl. We pushed together a few tables to make one long table. I sat at an end, between Kevin and AJ, and everyone else found their own seats.

"How’s the book coming?" AJ asked me.

"Fine," I mumbled, staring down into my apple juice.

"How are other things?" Kevin asked pointedly. I looked up into his green eyes and swallowed deeply. I knew he was talking about Greg.

"Finished," I promised. "Totally finished. Unfortunately there are still some situations where I’m going to have to interact with him, but it’s all good."

Nick turned from his conversation with Kayla. "How’s Lance?"

"Good. They’ll all be at the shindig in Dallas. My manager wants me to do the same kind of book on them that I’m doing on you, but I’m not sure what exactly is gonna happen with that," I said nervously.

"Are you coming to that party in Dallas?" Ari asked AJ.

"I didn’t know if we were invited," AJ replied, glancing at me.

"Of course you are…these girls will need dates," I said slyly. All five girls blushed a deep red. I continued, enjoying the discomfort I was causing around the table. "Let’s see…hmmm…Alex, you escort Ari, Nicky can go with…um…Kayla, Kevin can take Shae, B-Rok can go with Amanda, and Howie can take Kelley. How’s that?" I finished triumphantly. All five girls were giving me looks that killed.

"Sounds good to me," Brian replied, smiling at Amanda.

"Definitely," Howie added, winking at Kel.

"Not a problem," Nick said, smiling shyly at Kayla.

"Any girl who likes to shop is definitely my kind of girl," AJ replied, draping his arm across the back of Ari’s chair.

"If you don’t have any objections," Kevin said to Shae, who shook her head quickly.

"It’s settled then." I stood. "If you’ll excuse me, I have to seriously get some work done if I wanna play later tonight. You kids enjoy yourselves, and lemme know if you want me to hook up with you later."

I disappeared quickly from the table, smiling with satisfaction. I had never played matchmaker before, and I was enjoying it. It would give me great information for my book. I frowned as I entered the elevator. I also had walked away from the table to hide my guilty heart. I was sure it was reflected in my eyes. I had forgotten how great the guys were, and how much I cared about each one of them. I hated the fact that I had to go through with this. I was between a rock and a hard place. I was damned if I didn’t write this book, because Greg would tell everyone what the original plan had been. I was damned if I did write it, for obvious reasons. I decided to skip writing, and go do laps in the pool. Maybe I could exhaust myself into doing the right thing.

I made myself scarce most of the day, hiding out in my room after swimming for two hours. I could hardly lift my arms, but it felt good. I loved the water, even though I feared the sharks that inhabited it. I was pretty sure, however, that I was safe from sharks in the swimming pool.

I wrote all afternoon, weaving the girls into my chapters. I didn’t identify them, but used what bad traits I could find, which weren’t many. I was hating this more and more. This book was ending in Dallas, one way or another. I’d tell Greg that I had all the information I needed and that he could publish it however he wanted. I’d sign the deal for my next book, which would NOT be the Nsync book he wanted, and then I’d go on a vacation…back to Atlanta, maybe. I’d hide out in some country bed and breakfast until everyone forgot about me, and then I’d write under an assumed name. Yes, that’s what I would do.

The phone rang, but I ignored it. I turned off my computer and stretched out on the bed, turning on the TV. I flipped channels and squealed with delight. "Gone With the Wind" was on. It couldn’t get better than this. My pager went off and I leaned across the bed to check it. Yes, it COULD get better than this. Lance was calling me. I dialed his cellphone.

"Hi," I said, unable to keep from smiling.

"Hey…how’re you doing, sweetie?" He asked.

"Good…just vegging on my own today. The guys are here and they took the girls out here and there, I guess."

"You didn’t go along?"

"I don’t want to be a third wheel. I just wanted them to interact, but I think it’s going a lot further than that," I told him. "I actually don’t want to write about it. I feel like I’m eavesdropping."

"I understand." Lance took a deep breath. "I miss you, Silver."

"I miss you, too, Lance," I said softly.

"I’m sorry I had to just leave like that the other day. I didn’t want to waken you, though."

"I know," I replied. We chatted a bit more and then hung up. I snuggled down into the pillows and lost myself in the world of Scarlett O’Hara.

About four hours later there was a knock at my door. I blew my nose loudly and went to answer it. Kelley, Howie, Shae, Kevin, Nick, and Kayla were at the door.

"What’s wrong? Are you okay?" Nick asked, concerned.

"I’m fine," I sniffed. "Melanie just died."

"Melanie who?" Kevin asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Aw, man! Gone with the Wind is just ending!" Kelley complained as she walked around in front of the TV. "We missed it!"

"A character in the movie," Kayla informed the guys.

"What did you do all day?" Howie asked me.

"I went swimming, and then I wrote for a long time, and then talked to Lance, and otherwise just hung out with me, myself, and I," I replied, turning off the TV. "How about you guys?"

"We tried to inconspicuously tour Houston, but we were recognized like three times," Howie told me.

"Because Nick wouldn’t wear a hat," Kevin said, glaring at his blond friend.

"It woulda messed up my hair!" Nick complained.

"You hardly HAVE any hair, and it’s perpetually messed up anyway," Kelley told him. Nick came to sit by me.

"Silver, they’re picking on me. They picked on me all day," he pouted. I put an arm around him.

"Poor Nicky. Don’t worry, I love you," I told him, patting his shoulder sympathetically. He looked up at me, his blue eyes staring into mine. I blushed furiously and stood up. "So…where are Ari and Alex?"

"I dunno," Kevin replied. "They went off on their own to shop."

"Ah," I said lightly, though inwardly I was frowning. I mentally kicked myself and told myself to get over it. "So…what are you guys doing tonight?"

"We want to take everyone out for a really nice dinner," Howie told me.

"That sounds nice. I’ll make some calls for you to see what’s good around here," I offered.

"You’re coming along, aren’t you?" Nick asked, as if it would kill him if I didn’t.

"I don’t know," I said hesitantly, looking from Shae to Kelley to Kayla. "I don’t want to interfere." And I didn’t. I couldn’t believe how well everyone was hitting it off, and I didn’t want to throw a wrench in those works. They would all have each other when it was all said and done, and I was off on my own.

"Of course you have to come," Kayla told me. "You’re part of the gang…you need to be there."

"We’ll make the calls," Kevin offered. The guys stood. "We’ll catch up with you guys in a little bit." They left.

"I’m sorry," I apologized. "I really tried to just be one of the guys," I insisted.

"I know you did, Silver," Kelley said reassuringly.

"Is it your fault that you met them first and swept them away with your creative talent, gorgeous blue eyes, and infectious personality? I don’t think so," Shae said. I had to laugh.

"Wow, I didn’t even know I was that wonderful," I teased. I sighed.

"Nicky is head over heels in love with you, Silver," Kayla told me.

"Oh, puhleeze…I don’t…" I looked at her. She was totally serious. "No…he’s my little brother. I…"

"He doesn’t see it that way, Silver," Kelley said gently.

"I think Kevvy has a little crush on you, too," Shae added. "But I’ll talk him right out of that."

I smiled at her words, but tears filled my eyes. One man had used me, and I had loved him. One man had saved me from that hurt, but had told me it wouldn’t work out. And here were two men who I really cared about, but knew would never be the ones for me.

Ari and Alex came back to the hotel an hour later, burdened down with shopping bags. "I have met my match," Ari announced.  "He is truly a shopping professional."

"Aww, thank you." AJ gave her a smacking kiss on the cheek, and she turned beet red. "Where are the other guys?" He asked us.

"Finding someplace to have dinner," I said. The words were barely out of my mouth when the guys returned to my suite.

"Reservations are made for ninety minutes from now, so you lovely ladies had better shake your booties and get ready," Brian announced. He and Amanda had walked in with the other guys.

"And where have you been?" I asked them in my best maternal tone.

"We went to the zoo, Mom…relax," she said, sticking out her tongue at me.

Everyone left my suite to go get ready, and I sighed with relief. I was so jealous seeing everyone all paired up like that, and it didn’t really have anything to do with the guys. I just wished I had someone around to look at me like that. It was good Lance and I weren’t officially official…I’d hate being separated from him all the time. I went and turned on the bath water and started stripping down. I had one toe in the tub when I heard a knock at the door. There were no big fuzzy robes in this hotel, so I settled for my cute little midnight blue shortie kimono.

I peeked out the peephole and saw Nick standing uncertainly in front of my door. I gasped, wishing I had thrown on something more substantial. "Nicky! Hi! What’s up?" I opened the door a crack.

"Can I come in for a second, Silver?"

"Uh…sure." I had no excuse so I let him in. His eyes widened at the sight of my legs sticking out from under the kimono that seemed to get shorter by the minute. "What’s going on?"

"I just wanted to talk to you." He took my hand and sat next to me on the sofa. "Silver, I just…I wanted…I wondered if you wanted to go out with me sometime."

My mouth fell open. I was so not expecting this. "Nick, I…"

"Shh. Just listen." He placed a soft fingertip on my lips. "I know you’re just around here to do your job, but I like you so much. I like your smile, I like your laugh…" his eyes wandered over me. "…I like your body, I just like YOU. I want to get to know you better."

"Nicky, don’t," I said sadly. "Number one, I’m seeing Lance."

"But that won’t last…I know it won’t," he insisted. "Let me take you out."

"Nick, listen to me. Not only is there the whole Lance issue, there is something else," I said, my heart sinking at the disappointment in his eyes. "I’m bad luck for any man…believe me…you don’t want me."

"Don’t say I don’t want you, Silver," he said forcefully. "Because I do." He grabbed me and pulled me to him, crushing my mouth against his. His tongue danced in my mouth until my tongue unconsciously picked up the rhythm. I forced myself to pull away, and I almost slapped him to just push him away, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I stood.

"Nick, I think you should go. Just don’t hate me." He slowly stood, staring at me with his sad blue eyes.

"I could never hate you, Silver." I followed him to the door, and he turned. I stared up at him. Before I knew what was happening, he had my face cradled in his hands, and was tenderly kissing me. Once again, I forced myself to push him back.  "You can honestly tell me you didn’t feel anything when I kissed you?" He whispered. I shook my head.

"I’m sorry, Nick. You’re a good friend to me…that’s all." He sighed. "Be nice to Kayla, Nick. Don’t use her as a substitute for me."

"I won’t. I promise." He gave me a half smile and left. I shut the door behind him, collapsing against it. I had learned the art of lying quite well, I realized. That kiss had almost floored me. It had taken everything I had not to throw myself at him. I had felt that kiss in my toes. I leaned against the door for a moment, panting. Daymn, that boy can KISS, I told myself. Once my legs returned to a solid state, I headed back to the bathroom, turning on the cold water full blast.

Dinner was interesting, to say the least. I sat myself between Kelley and Ari, that way no one could accuse me of flirting with their man. Nick was total charm that night, paying special attention to Kayla, and virtually ignoring me. I didn’t mind. I could tell by his mannerisms that as the night went on, he was truly getting more and more interested in her. That was one problem solved.

"So, are you all coming to watch rehearsal tomorrow?" Brian asked the table at large. The girls all nodded.

"Not me, thanks. I have a lot of writing to do," I said. Kelley glared at me, a glare that said would you just come along and quit worrying about how you act around them?

"Come on, Sil. Just put the damned laptop down for a while," AJ whined. I glared at him.

"That damned laptop is my job and the only reason I am here in the first place!" I snapped. I threw down my napkin. "Look…I hang with you guys so I can get information. That’s all. That’s the only reason. You’re nice people, but not the type of people I want to hang around twenty-four seven." I looked at the girls. "Have a nice time, guys. I’ll see you tomorrow." I all but ran out of the restaurant before anyone could say anything.

The next morning I stayed in bed until noon. I didn’t sleep until noon, just didn’t get up until noon. The phone rang and there were knocks at the door. I didn’t answer anything. Even when my pager went off, I ignored it. I was ashamed about the way I had acted at the table the night before. There were good ways and bad ways to distance myself from them, and that was not a good way. They probably hated me now, but it was better that way…wasn’t it?

I allowed myself to wallow in unusual self-pity. I normally didn’t let myself stomp myself down, but today I couldn’t help it. I miserably stared out the window. It was a gorgeous day for the end of February. Even the sun looked joyful. And here I was…all alone in a hotel room…all because I had let myself fall in love with a rat. I ignored the tears that ran down my cheeks.  Was I really such a loser that I had allowed myself to get involved with someone who couldn’t love one person? Maybe I wasn’t worth any more than that…maybe I was better off all alone. I began to sob. I WAS a loser. A stupid loser, who valued her career more than friendship, and who turned people away at the drop of a hat. I DESERVED to be alone. I jumped when I heard the beep that signified the opening of the door. I squinted through my tears and gasped when I saw AJ McLean walk through the door. He tossed the spare keycard on the nightstand.

"I told them you were desperately ill, and I needed to check on you," he said while I stared at him open mouthed. He sat next to me on the bed, and pulled me until my head lay on his lap. I sobbed fresh tears, as he did nothing but stroke my hair. He didn’t say anything, didn’t ask for an explanation, didn’t expect an explanation, and that made me feel worse. I cried so hard I could barely breathe. He never moved, except to occasionally hand me tissues. It had been ages since I had let someone just see inside all of me, and this situation was making me very vulnerable…but I didn’t mind. Finally, the sobs began to subside until I only sniffed on occasion. "We forgive you," he said softly. "You’re our friend, Silver, no matter how you see it. Sure, some of us want more," he said, and I knew he had talked to Nick, "but we all value you as a friend more than anything. We’ve only known you a short time, but we worry about you anyway." I slowly sat up, knowing I looked awful and totally not caring.

"I’m s-sorry, Alex…I just…"

"Shh," he whispered, pulling me into a hug as the tears began again. "Sil, don’t apologize. You are human. Just because some people know your name doesn’t make you less human," he reminded me. "Believe me, I know." He pulled something out of his jacket pocket. "I bought you something while we were shopping today. If you stop crying, I’ll give it to you." I smiled through my tears at his bribery. He knew that I loved presents as much as he loved shopping. I wiped my eyes on my pajama sleeve and took a few deep breaths. He handed me a small jewelry box. I opened it with shaking hands. Inside was a small silver pin.  There were two roses: one was white, made with diamonds, and the other was blue, made with sapphires. The stems of the roses, which were intertwined, were sterling silver. "As soon as I saw this, I knew it was made for you," he told me. I threw myself into his arms, and gave him a big hug.

"Thanks, Alex. I needed something like this today. I needed to just let myself go, and…"

"Don’t explain," he told me sternly. He glanced at the clock. "I really need to get to rehearsal. Will you be okay?" I nodded.  "Are you coming along tonight?" I shook my head.

"I really do have to write, Alex. I need to hand a whole bunch of stuff in by the time we get to Dallas."

He nodded. "Okay. Are you going out with all of us afterwards?" I shook my head once more.

"No…I miss Lance too much seeing you all together," I told him. It wasn’t an exact lie, but a partial truth.

"Okay." He hugged me once more. "I’ll see you tomorrow then." He let himself out, and I sat for a long time, just staring at the glittering pin in my hand.

The girls stopped by on their way to rehearsal. Kelley started to yell at me for being a bitch, but one look at my puffy red eyes was enough to shut her up. I assured them that I was fine, and promised to go to rehearsal and the concert the next night, and that was enough to finally make them go.

I slept restlessly that night, wondering how the show had gone, how late they had all stayed out, who had done what with whom (though it was totally NOT my business), and where Lance was. I wondered if had already found someone to replace me. I jumped when I heard my pager go off. I glanced at the clock. Four in the morning and someone was paging me? I grabbed the pager and smiled a big smile. Lance.

"What are you doing up at this hour?" I asked as soon as he answered his cellphone.

"Missing you," he replied. I could hear him scrunching around, and assumed he was in his hotel room.

"But you’re off doing big star kinda things. Don’t you have groupies all around?" I asked, smiling as I myself stretched out under my covers.

"The groupie thing gets old. I was hoping for a little phone sex from an older sexy woman."

"Hmmm…I dunno…are you old enough for this kinda thing?" I teased.

"I think you know exactly what I’m old enough for," he replied, and I blushed in the dark.

"So, Mr. Bass, how can I serve you this evening?"

"You can start by…" he went on in graphic detail until I was panting.

"I thought I was supposed to be giving YOU phone sex," I moaned, wishing more than anything that he was with me at that moment.

"Oh…you will…" he replied, and soon he had me saying things I never thought I would say on the phone. An hour and a half later we hung up, and I slept like a baby.

I scared myself. I was wide-awake and chipper at five forty-five the next morning. I tossed and turned and watched infomercials until around six thirty, and then I decided to go work out.

I was downstairs in the dance studio for about twenty minutes when I saw Kevin walk into the gym. I sighed. Maybe if I kept dancing, he’d ignore me and start working out. I then noticed he didn’t have workout clothes on.

"Hello, Kevin," I said when he walked into the studio.

"Hey, Silver." He plopped down onto the floor.

"You aren’t working out today?"

"Nah…I think I might be coming down with something, so I wanna take it easy and save my energy for tonight." He patted the floor next to him and I sat down.

"Look…Kevin…I wanna apologize for what I said at dinner last night. It came out all wrong."

"Don’t worry about it, Silver. You’re right…you are here just to write about us…but somewhere along the way you became our friend…our sister."

"Sister," I repeated.

"Sure! We all think of you as a big sister…except me. You’re my little sister," he said, smiling.

"Not all of you," I muttered. He laughed.

"Nicky has a crush every two weeks or so," he told me. I rolled my eyes, thinking back to those kisses. Crush sounded very high school, and they were not high school kisses. "I think he’s head over heels over your friend Kayla."

"And what about you?" I asked. "What about you and Shae?"

Was that a blush I saw on his chiseled cheeks? "Oh, yes, Shae…she’s a very nice girl."

"You like her," I teased. He blushed even more.

"Yes, she’s nice."

"You said that already."

"I hardly know her, Silver. Don’t go marrying us off yet."

I shoved him. "I’m so glad you guys have all paired up. It’s so cute. Amanda and Brian are already making goo-goo eyes at each other, Howie and Kel are two of a kind, and Ari and AJ, well, she’s the only person I know who can keep up with him," I said.

"And what about you." Kevin’s green eyes bored into me.

"I am surviving," I said slowly. "I’m learning a lot about myself and what I want."

"You sure?" I nodded. "Good. Let’s get some breakfast. I have a hankering for some good Southern fried food."

As I promised, I showed up at rehearsal. The girls were already there, singing and shouting along with the words. AJ noticed me first, and said something to the other guys. "Silver Mulholland, please report to me," he said into the mike. I blushed and ran down the aisle.

"What, Alex?" I asked, waving at the girls. In response, Kevin and Nick reached down and pulled me up on stage. "What?" I asked, wondering what kind of embarrassment they had planned for me now.

"I don’t know…what he does to make you cry…but I’ll be there to make you smile," Nick began. I blushed furiously. AJ knew this was my favorite song of theirs, and it had such a hidden meaning behind it. If I could only find someone who would sing me this song by their actions. Greg was the ‘he’ in this song, but who was the singer?

Howie came to stand behind me. He put his arms around me and made me sway to the music. I felt like an idiot. I pulled away, laughing. I jumped down from the stage as they finished the song, glad that we were all getting along again.

The show that night was awesome, of course. We had second row seats, and the guys kept giving the girls special looks that made me laugh. "I’m getting a cavity!" I shouted to Kelley. "You guys are so sweet!" She punched me in the arm.

After the concert, we hurried back to the hotel to pile onto the bus. Sleeping bags and such were piled all over the place to accommodate everyone, because no one wanted to leave the others and go on a separate bus. When everyone decided to sleep, I was surprised when the girls stayed in the living area and the guys hit their bunks.

                "They are too skinny to sleep two people," Kayla observed. I smiled.

"You don’t want me out here alone," I retorted.

"Maybe we just wanna molest YOU in the middle of the night…have our wicked ways with you," Kelley said, wiggling her fingers at me with an evil leer.

"Ooooh! Can we watch?" I heard Nick and AJ say at the same time.

"In your dreams, Carter!" I yelled back.

"Dammit…how’d you know about those dreams?" Nick called back.

"We told her how you moan and touch yourself in your sleep, Nick!" A tired sounding Kevin snapped. "Will you shut up and go to sleep?"

We met up with Ari’s sister Krista in San Antonio. She was a lot of fun, and really nice, but she had a thing for NSync, a lot more than Backstreet Boys. I was quick to find out exactly WHICH NSync caught her fancy, and was relieved to find out it was Justin. Ari had started calling him "brillohead", a term she had stolen from their friend Lara, and it annoyed Krista to no end. I found myself calling him that, and mentally hit myself. It was rude…but damned funny.

Before I knew it, the bus was rolling into Dallas early in the morning of March third. The time seemed to fly with the girls around. Krista was a hoot, absolutely drooling at the thought of meeting Justin Timberlake. I myself was ready to drool over Lance. I had missed him so much.

We piled out of the bus at around seven the next morning. We had all slept on the bus, but not very well. The guys were used to it…we weren’t. We stumbled up to our floors and into our rooms. I flopped onto my bed…and onto someone who yelled.

"Hey, baby," a muffled voice said from under the covers.

"Greg?" I gasped, falling back against the wall.

"Greg? Who the hell is Greg?" A light flipped on and Lance sat up. I slid to the floor in relief.

"Oh, thank God. Thank you, Lord," I repeated over and over, hugging my legs and rocking back and forth.

Lance jumped out of bed and fell to the floor next to me. "Silver? Silver, what’s the…you’re shaking! Are you okay?" He pulled me into his arms until I stopped shaking. When I thought it was Greg in that bed, fear had coursed through my veins. Fear of what he might do to me to get me to write this book, and fear of what I might do to him for making me do such a thing. "Honey, sweetie…"

"Don’t call me baby!" I snapped. "Ever fucking again…do you understand me, James Lance Bass?"

"Y-yeah…sure, Silver, of course. I forgot. I’m sorry." He pulled back to look at me. "Silver, WHO is Greg? Your ex?" I nodded. "Greg who? Who is…" a light bulb went on behind his eyes, and I started to silently cry. "Gregory ROSE? He is the one…he’s your ex?" Another light bulb. "HE’S the one that hit you?" I buried my face in my arms as he jumped to his feet. "Oh my God. I am GOING to fucking KILL him!" Lance screeched. I had never thought he could get this angry. "All this time I thought it was AJ…or Richardson."

"AJ? Kevin? You’ve got to be crazy!" I announced, though he ignored me.

"I mean, you and McLean were all buddy buddy, and the way Kevin watched you, well, he might as well have been undressing you with his eyes." Lance began to pace.

"Well, they’re happily paired off with Ariana and Shae now," I said almost bitterly. I slowly got to my feet. He stopped and stared at me for a long moment.

"Isn’t Greg Rose married?" I slowly nodded, and he turned away from me for a long moment.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, and he shook it off. "Lance…he promised he was leaving her…he promised I was the only one." I began to sob. "He promised a lot of things…very few of which came true. You HAVE to believe me. I wasn’t trying to break up anyone’s marriage, I swear to God." I took a deep breath. "I beat myself up for this every day. I HATE the woman I’ve become. Please don’t hate me, Lance." The last sentence was said with a heartfelt pleading that I had not intended. He whirled around.

"Oh…Silver...honey…I don’t hate you…I never could." He took me in his arms. "It’s just hard for me to take in, that’s all. I was brought up to believe that marriage was sacred…that your vows were the law you lived by."

                "And I broke that sacred trust." I pulled away.

"I didn’t mean you, Silver. I meant HIM."

"Don’t explain, Lance." I sighed. "I am exhausted, and I need a few more hours of sleep. You are welcome to stay here with me, but if you don’t want to, I understand." I climbed into the bed, leaving him standing there.

"I want to stay," he said softly.

"You don’t have to," I repeated.

"I WANT to," he repeated. "This explains so much, Silver. So many things about you make sense now." He climbed under the covers with me, and pulled me tight against him.

"Guess it’s good you didn’t think we’d last, huh?" I asked wryly. "This probably changes the way you think of me."

"Silver…"

"Don’t say anything, Lance. Just let me sleep." I fell asleep, partly miserable, and partly relieved that he knew…that someone besides Kelley knew.

I woke up at noon…and Lance was still asleep beside me. His arms were wrapped tight around me, as if I needed protection. I wormed my way out of his grasp, and went to his bag. I stole his cellphone and went into the bathroom. I called Kelley’s room.

"What?" She snapped. "It’s early."

"Kelley? It’s me," I said, barely getting the words out before the tears flowed.

"Silver? What is it?"

"Lance was here…I called him Greg by accident…and then I told him. I think he hates me."

"He doesn’t hate you. Maybe you needed to get this off your chest." I heard a voice in the background as she spoke.

"Kelley, what’s that?"

"The TV," she replied, too quickly.

"Is Howie there?"

"Um…uh…yeah," she answered, embarrassed.

"Good for you!" I smiled through my tears, then grew serious. "Be sure, Kelley. Don’t believe everything he says unless you KNOW it’s for real."

"I am being careful, I promise. Are you sure you’re okay?"

"Yes…I will be. I feel good having told someone else. I think this may have ended our relationship, though. He mentioned something about the sanctity of marriage, and even though he didn’t outright accuse me, he thinks I’m lower then low." I heard a rustling in the bedroom. "I have to go. I’ll see you this afternoon at that shindig." I hung up and went back out. "I used your cellphone…hope you don’t mind."

"Of course not." He rubbed his eyes.

 

"Look, Lance, if you don’t want to escort me to this party this afternoon, I understand," I told him. "I’ve done these things alone

before."

"No…I want to take you," he said. He patted the bed next to him and I sat. "Silver, I can’t say I understand everything you’ve gone through, though I’ve laid here for a while trying to figure it all out. You did what you had to do. I think he’s an asshole, and that he led you down the primrose path just to fuck you, and that I will have a hard time not killing him when I see him tonight.  But for you, I will let him alone. I know you have to talk to him and all, but keep him away from me. I will let Jive know that we want nothing to do with ANY project he suggests. If YOU want to write about us, on your own, that’s fine."

"No!" I said quickly. "I mean, I have other ideas in mind after this book."

"Okay." He gave me a hug and a tender kiss on the lips. For the first time, I really didn’t feel anything. He pulled away and sighed. "We’re done, aren’t we?"

"I think so," I said sadly. He pulled me down until we were lying next to each other.

"Mind if I just hold you for a while before we start getting ready?" I shook my head, and we snuggled together, saying nothing.

We arrived at the party around four o’clock. It was a dinner party, but of course the Backstreet Boys would have to leave early for their concert. They had already pushed the time to eight o’clock to stay at this party as long as possible.

Lance wore a casual black suit, and I had on the little black dress that every girl should own. My jewelry was all silver, and I wore AJ’s silver pin near the neck of my dress. I kept a careful eye on Lance, for when Greg made his appearance. Lance had promised not to do anything to Greg, or to tell anyone else anything, but I also knew you could never trust a man when he got really good and angry.

I smiled as I hugged JC and Justin. I took Justin by the hand, and started to lead him to Ari, Krista, and AJ. "I have someone who is dying to meet you," I told him. "You know Ari and Alex, and this is Krista, Ari’s sister."

Justin carefully looked Krista over from her shoes to her hair, and seemed to like what he saw. "Nice to meet you, Krista." She smiled back, and I could tell she was too nervous to say much else. Justin soon engaged her in conversation, and AJ, Ari, and I made our way to another corner.

"You look really nice, Silver," AJ told me.

"Thanks," I said, my eyes wandering in search of Greg.

"Where’s Lance?" Ari asked.

I looked around, and saw him talking to a short blond. "Over there," I said, waving in that direction.

"He’s talking to another girl…don’t you mind?" AJ asked.

"Nope…we’re at the end of our run, I think," I said, my eyes narrowing as I found Greg. "Excuse me."

I strutted over and placed a hand on his arm. "Could I talk to you in private, Gregory?" I asked sweetly. He excused himself from his friends and we went out into the hall.

"Baby, you look fantastic!" He went to hug me and I pulled away.

"Don’t touch me!" I snapped. He stepped back, an evil look filling his eyes.

"Fine…fine…What did you want to speak to me about?"

"The NSync book. It won’t be happening. I talked to Lance, and he said…"

"You little bitch!" The hand rose, and I took a step back.

"Hit me and everyone will see it," I reminded him calmly. "It was his idea, not mine."

Greg grabbed me by the arm. "Do you have the stuff you are SUPPOSED to be writing, or were you too busy spreading your legs for any teenybopper’s dream who asked you?"

"I have it, and you’ll get it at the end of the party," I informed him. "Let…me…go."

He slowly released you. "Baby, I gave you everything. I loved you…the sex was good…I bought you things."

"I never got your full attention…never got your time. All I got were empty promises." I whirled around to leave

"You’ll regret this," he snarled. "This book better be good, or your ass is mine!"

I ignored him and opened the door to the conference room…and ran smack into Valerie Rose. A very pregnant Valerie Rose.

"Silver! Hello!" She hugged me before I knew what was happening. My face lost all color, I could feel it. My stomach turned and growled, and I suddenly felt nauseous. I couldn’t help but look at her stomach.

"Valerie, hello. What a surprise."

"I know…Greg asked me at the last minute to come along, and my doctor said I could fly, so…" she rubbed her stomach. "I’m five months along, and I’m already as big as a house!" She squealed, laughing.

"You…you look great," I assured her. I was surprised I could say anything at all.

"Have you seen Greg? He disappeared on me," she told me.

"Um…no…sorry…will you excuse me, Valerie?" I brushed past her and blindly made my way through the room. Lance. I needed to find Lance. He was still with the blond.

"Lance…I need to go home," I croaked. He stared at me, and the blond glared.

"Are you okay? Silver?"

"I’m fine. I just need to go…I’m not feeling well." I hugged him hard. "Stay here…have fun…I just need to go die." I turned to the blond. "Take care of him. He’s a keeper." I kissed his cheek and walked away.

I left the building and hailed a taxi. My first stop was a liquor store. The second stop was the convenience store nearest my hotel. I had a lot of work to do.

The first thing I did was open the new pack of notebook paper I had bought at the convenience store. I wrote nine letters while I copied information off of my laptop onto floppy disks. Three of the letters I dropped into a manila envelope, along with the disks. I took the letters and attached them to the doors of the five Backstreet Boys, plus Kelley. The large envelope got attached to AJ’s door.

I returned to my room and proceeded to help the bottle of Jim Beam out of its lonely misery. It would be much happier inside of me then in that boring bottle. Unfortunately, that bottle didn’t take long to disappear. I happily dove into the bag for another bottle. Woohoo! Rewarded!

I stared at my laptop. I couldn’t believe this. Fucking Valerie Rose. Fucking pregnant. All that crap about how she totally turned him off…how she was cold and dry and never wanted sex. How he only touched her on special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries or holidays. I drank another gulp. Fuck him. Fuck her. Fuck them all. I didn’t need them.

I crawled over to where I had thrown my purse and purchases, and opened the bag from the convenience store. I took out the pack of razor blades and tore them out of the packaging. I lined them up, watching them sparkle in the lamplight. Silver…like me…Silver. I laughed to myself. Silver is pure and shiny, a light for people to follow. Not me…I was dirty and awful and selfish and evil. I cursed at the second bottle as I emptied it. I threw it, and it crashed on the wall above the nightstand. I looked at the clock. Wow…had I really drank the evening away?

I sighed and stood. I wove on my feet, and stumbled over to the stereo. It was getting harder and harder to walk. My hands fumbled with the CD case. I finally threw it down, stomping on it until it cracked open. I shoved the CD into the player with some difficulty, pushed the track number and then repeat. I carefully yanked the bedspread off of the bed, falling over twice with the effort, and laid it on the floor. I played eenymeenyminymoe with the razors and picked number four…my lucky numbers. I bit my lip until it bled, and then I took the blade in my hand. I shut my eyes and dragged it across my wrist, yelling at the pain. The alcohol had numbed it, but not much. I quickly took care of the other hand, then fell to the floor, willing myself not to yell. After a while, the room got fuzzy…and quiet…and I was so tired.

For obvious reasons, I cannot tell this part of the story. Therefore, the third-person parts are what I was told by the girls, Lance, and the Backstreet Boys. This is their story.

The Backstreet Boys left the party at seven-thirty, and rushed to the arena. The girls and Lance followed behind. The other members of Nsync decided to stay at the party, but Lance wanted to hang with the girls some more. He was having a great time talking to Kelley and Ari, which AJ and Howie tried not to notice.

The concert was very good, as usual, but the five girls noticed that something wasn’t right. Something just wasn’t meshing the way it usually did. After the concert, the eleven of them piled into a minivan to return to the hotel.

"You okay?" Amanda asked Brian, concerned.

"I’M fine." He looked pointedly at Nick and AJ. "It was OTHER people who were off tonight."

"I noticed that, too," Howie added, putting his arm around Kelley. She snuggled close.

"I just felt weird," AJ tried to explain.

"You’re weird every night," Kevin tried to joke. He held Shae’s hand, and traced little patterns on her fingers.

"No…it’s not that. Something was just…off," AJ insisted. He tried to grab Ari’s hand, but she was talking animatedly with Lance.

"I felt it, too," Nick said softly. Kayla looked at him curiously.

"Are you sure you’re okay?" She asked. He nodded.

"Let’s talk about something else. The party. That food was SO good!" Brian said to change the subject.

"And the music was, too," AJ agreed. He finally succeeded in getting Ari’s attention. "Your sister has it bad for Justin, doesn’t she?" Ari laughed and nodded.

"And from what I saw, the feeling is mutual," Lance told them. Krista had stayed at the party with the rest of NSync. Ari knew there was no tearing her away from Justin Timberlake, so she didn’t even try. "I think it’s really cool."

"What about that Valerie lady? Man, for someone who’s five months pregnant, she was STILL gorgeous!" Howie exclaimed.  He turned to Kelley with a teasing smile. "Will you look that good at five months pregnant?"

"Of course," she replied, poking him. "Who’s this Valerie and why were you looking at her?"

"Valerie Rose…Gregory Rose’s wife," Kevin answered. Kelley’s face went white. She caught Lance’s eyes and realized he had heard.

"His wife was THERE? At the party?" Lance asked in a horrified voice. Everyone else grew quiet at his tone. "And she was pregnant?"

"Yeah…didn’t you meet her?" Nick asked. Lance shook his head.

"Oh my God…" Kelley whispered. "Silver."

"You need to drive FAST. FASTER. AS FAST AS YOU FUCKING CAN!" Lance screamed at the driver.

"What’s going on?" Ari asked him.

"We just need to get back to the hotel, that’s all," Lance said, trying to remain calm. "I…uh…need to make a phone call."

When they returned to the hotel, Lance and Kelley quickly had a quiet conference. Kelley took the girls back down to their rooms, while Lance went up with the guys.

"What’s going on?" Nick asked.

"I just need to talk to you all. I think you should…" he stopped in front of a door. "Whose room is this?"

"Mine," Kevin said, reaching up to yank down a note with his name on it. They looked around the hall. Each man grabbed the note from his door. AJ slowly pulled down the envelope that was on his door. He quickly unlocked the door and they filed into his room. AJ ripped the envelope open.

"There’s one for you." He handed a note to Lance. "The others are to me, Jive, and Valerie Rose." He looked up at Lance.  "What the hell is going on?"

"These say to read them when we’re all together," Brian said. They quickly tore the notes open.

"Mine just says thanks for everything and goodbye," Nick said finally. Brian, Howie, and Kevin nodded.

"Mine says the same thing, with some other stuff," Lance added. They looked at AJ, who had slowly sat down on the sofa.

"Alex, I am telling you the whole story because I believe that you can explain it best without blowing up," he read.  "Lance knows part of this story, but not all of it. The boyfriend that I mentioned…that hit me…that was Gregory Rose.  Lance knows that part." Everyone gasped. "We had a nine month relationship. He promised me the moon…among other things…and obviously didn’t deliver. He told me that his wife was a witch, that he could hardly talk to her, let alone touch her, except when he absolutely had to. Apparently, that was another lie."

"Damn," Nick muttered, realizing what it must have been like for Silver to see how pregnant Valerie Rose was.

"This is the part of the story that is hardest for me to tell you…and I know you will hate me when you get to the end.  The only reason I stayed in contact with Greg after we ended our personal relationship was because of the book I was writing about you. It was his bright idea to write a book…but not just any book. He wanted me to write a dirty expose…the kind of book that would cause a scandal and ruin you all." Mouths dropped open as AJ stopped reading for a moment, staring at the words on the page.

"No wonder she would never show us what she had written!" Howie realized.

AJ continued. "There were a few reasons why I went along with this…none of which are excuses for the whole situation.  I loved him. He said he really needed me to do this, and I wanted to please him. He also promised me that after this, I could have total freedom in my next book, to write what I wanted instead of what he told me. After I tried many times to get out of it, he started to threaten me…to threaten not only to tell you all what I had done, but to make it so I could never work in the publishing industry again. He even told me I would have to do a book like this about Nsync, but thank goodness Lance hated him enough to make that impossible. Enclosed in this envelope are the disks that contain all of my chapters. I have deleted them from the computer…this is the only copy. You could destroy them, but I ask that you take them to Jive, along with this letter. I want to make sure they never cooperate with Gregory Rose or our publisher ever again. Also, give the other letter to Valerie. It explains everything." AJ looked up, then read the last paragraph. "I ask that you try not to hate me, even if you cannot forgive me. I was sacrificing your lives and careers for my own…an awful thing to do to people you consider friends…or more than friends. The reason I tried to keep my distance from you all at the beginning was so I could write this objectively…so I could write the hateful things I needed to write without your wonderful personalities changing my mind. I’m so very sorry. Love to you all, Silver."

Brian threw his letter down. "I want to talk to her." He stormed towards the door.

"Bri, wait! Just cool down a minute!" Nick exclaimed, grabbing Brian’s arm.

"Don’t you see? She was ready to sell us out in a heartbeat!" Brian yelled.

"Don’t YOU see, B?" AJ said angrily. "Haven’t you ever been in love? Haven’t you ever just wanted to do ANYTHING in your power to make someone happy…to make them smile proudly at you? That’s why she did this…it wasn’t anything about us personally. Everything important to her was jeopardized…her relationship with him, her career, everything. It must have been KILLING her to do this!"

"She could have been lying," Brian faltered.

"Fuck that!" Lance said angrily. "I know her. She wasn’t lying about the way she felt about any of us. Let’s go talk to her, in a calm and adult way."

They filed out to the elevators, talking all at once. Silver had requested a room on a separate, non-secure floor, and they went two floors down to that area. When they got off the elevator, they heard loud music coming from the end of the hall. When they approached Silver’s room, they realized that it was coming from her suite.

"What the hell…" Kevin began, then stared at the door. "Holy shit. We NEED to get in here!" He started shoving his shoulder against the door.

"Kev…what…?" Howie asked, confused.

"Remember when we were on the bus? She said that if we ever caught her listening to this Korn song, she was suicidal!" They paused for a moment, and sure enough, the song was "Freak on a Leash".

"Holy shit!" AJ started to ram his shoulder against the door as well. Howie grabbed him and threw him back.

"Sorry, Bone, but Kev and I have the muscles here." They pounded at the door again and again, with Nick and Lance occasionally helping, until the door finally flew off its hinges

The guys practically fell into the room. Kevin caught sight of Silver’s body on the floor, and stopped short. He soon snapped out of it and sprang into action.

"Nick. Call nine one one. Howie, go to the bathroom and get some towels. AJ, go down and get the girls."

"But…" AJ began

"Just DO it!" Kevin barked.

"I’ll go with you," Brian told AJ, and they ran out of the room.

"All the towels are dirty!" Howie whined as he returned from the bathroom.

"Oh, hell!" Kevin growled. He reached over and grabbed Lance by the shirt, yanking until the buttons flew off.

"Hey!" Lance yelled. "That’s my favorite shirt!"

"Shut up!" Kevin snapped. He ripped the shirt into shreds and began to bind Silver’s wrists with the fabric. "Silver…Silver, honey…hold on," he said, his tone gentle. "Hold on a little longer."

"The ambulance is on its way," Nick announced, coming to kneel by Silver. He took one of her hands in his, ignoring the fact that her fingers were covered with blood. "Silver…please…don’t die…he’s not worth it," he murmured.

AJ and Brian came running in ahead of the girls. AJ pushed Lance aside and knelt on Silver’s other side. "Sil…damn girl…hold on…" he whispered, tenderly pushing hair from her face.

"Oh my God!" Amanda gasped. "What happened?" The girls could only see Silver’s feet.

"You don’t want to see," Brian told her gently, trying to move the girls back.

"I want to see…I want…" Ari caught sight of the blood and began to scream. Lance took her in his arms and tried to comfort her. Howie came to hug Kelley, who was just as hysterical. Paramedics soon pushed through the group of friends, but AJ, Kevin, and Nick continued to hover nearby.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I briefly regained consciousness in the ambulance. I didn’t open my eyes, but I could feel the swaying of a moving vehicle, and assumed it was an ambulance. As usual, I had failed at doing something I thought I really wanted. I couldn’t even kill myself right. I heard a quiet voice near my ear, and felt someone holding my hand. I couldn’t place the voice…

"Silver," he whispered. "Silver…we love you…we don’t hate you…hold on."

"Don’t…believe…you…" I murmured. I was so tired…so weak… "Want…to…sleep…"

"Silver, don’t leave me. I love you so much. Don’t leave me," he begged, and everything went black again.

"But she’s our friend!" Shae yelled as Silver was wheeled into the hospital. Nurses stopped the group, refusing to let them follow down the hallway.

"We need to have room to work, and eleven extra people are not going to help!" The head nurse said sternly. They continued to protest, but finally walked into a waiting room. The nurse approached them again. "We need someone to fill out these forms."  Kevin took the clipboard and glanced at it.

"We don’t know this information," he told the nurse. Everyone shook their heads in agreement. Lance slowly pulled out a business card from his pocket. He stared at it for a long moment.

"Call this number. You’ll get all the information you need from this person." The nurse took the card and hurried to the desk.

"Who?" Kelley asked.

"Gregory Rose," Lance said with a sigh.

Twenty-five minutes later, Gregory and Valerie Rose hurried into the emergency waiting area. "How is she?" Valerie asked anxiously. The girls all stared at her, looking her up and down. She WAS beautiful, but as different from Silver as could be.  Valerie was the typical ice princess, with short blond hair and pale skin, a great contrast to Silver’s dark hair and peachy skin.  Valerie looked sincerely worried, and they all took pity on her.

"We haven’t heard anything yet," Kayla said softly.

"What happened?" Greg demanded. The girls kept a tight hold on their men, Ari clamping down onto the arms of Lance and AJ.

Kevin pulled away from Shae and walked right up to Greg. "She tried to KILL herself," he growled. Greg swallowed deeply.  "Perhaps you’d like to guess WHY?"

"Gregory, what’s he talking about?" Valerie asked. A nurse came over to Greg, and started to ask him questions.

"Mrs. Rose, can I talk to you for a moment?" AJ gently led the woman aside and handed her the letter from Silver. The pregnant woman’s eyes widened as he spoke to her, and one tear splashed down her cheek. "She…she’s been sleeping with my husband?" She whispered.

"I’m afraid so, ma’am…for about nine months now," AJ said softly. "It ended a few weeks ago, but for other reasons I can’t go into, she kept your husband as her manager." He placed a hand on Valerie’s arm. "Ma’am…don’t entirely blame Silver in all this. She was in the wrong, but your husband promised her many things she believed would happen." The woman nodded, trying not to sob. "And Mrs. Rose? Please be careful…he hit her on more than one occasion."

Valerie’s mouth dropped open. "Did she do this because of him?"

"Among other things," AJ replied, glancing at her stomach and quickly looking away.

"Honey, let’s go. They don’t need us here," Gregory said as he approached them. Valerie took a deep breath.

"My cellphone number is on this card." She handed AJ a business card. "Please call me if there is any change." He nodded and took it.

"Sweetheart, what was that all about?" Greg asked as they walked away.

"We’ll talk at the hotel," she said simply.

An hour later, a doctor came into the room. The group of friends stood as one. "She’s fine. She’s been fine for a while now, but she doesn’t want to see anyone."

"Please," Ari begged. "Can’t one of us go in?"

"She said she wants you all to leave…that she doesn’t want to talk to any of you," the doctor replied. "She doesn’t want to do much of anything, it seems."

"Look, Doctor, she blames herself for a lot of things. She thinks we hate her," Brian said earnestly. The guys stared at him. "Let someone in…please."

"Him." Kevin shoved Lance forward. "She’ll definitely talk to him."

"But…" Lance looked down at the remnants of his shirt.

"Oh for God’s sakes!" Nick snapped. "You’re more vain then AJ!" He pulled off his leather jacket and tossed it to Lance. The doctor sighed.

"Okay…for a minute." He led Lance down the hallway. "Five minutes."

Silver lay on the bed, staring at the wall. "Silver!" Lance flopped into the chair by the bed and took her hand. "Silver, thank God you’re okay!" He brushed his hand across her cheek, but she still wouldn’t look at him. "Greg and Valerie Rose were here.  Greg gave the nurse your vitals while AJ gave Valerie the scoop on what was going on." His voice choked up. "Everyone else is here, too. No one hates you…we all love you and want you to get better. Silver…please…talk to me." Still no response. He sighed and got up. "Okay…I’ll tell them you’re alive, if nothing else."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I heard them all sneaking into the room one by one, whispering words of encouragement and begging me to respond. I didn’t. I lay there like a bump on a log, just listening. I didn’t believe them. They had to hate me. I was such a loser…looking for the easy way out instead of dealing with my problems. I hoped that if I kept up this wall for all of them, they’d give up and go away.  They tried, though, I will give them that. Nick came in and apologized for ten minutes about coming onto me, and then went on for another ten about how great Kayla was and how he was so thankful I had matched them up. Even Kevin took the stick out of his ass and tentatively talked about how he thought he could really come to care about Shae.

"Sil." AJ took my hand…the last of the group to come in. "God, Sil, scare us to death why dontcha?" I was surprised…he didn’t start out begging like the others had. "That was fucking STUPID, Sil. I mean, as soon as we heard Korn, we knew what was up. Didn’t you read that book they have on How to Kill Yourself Successfully or Die Trying?" My lips almost quivered. I couldn’t help it. Only AJ could come up with something funny to say about suicide. I kept my eyes shut and willed my body to keep still. "I…I talked to Valerie Rose, Silver. She seems nice. I felt really sorry for her. I feel even sorrier for her prick of a husband. She has a heart of steel under that beauty, and he is definitely gonna catch hell." He paused. "I’m gonna give that disk to Jive, with your letter. I haven’t read it…haven’t had time…but someday I’d like to. I’d like to see what you wrote about us."  He took a deep breath and I could tell he was crying. "That must’ve been so FUCKING hard for you, Sil. I mean, how hard was it for you to try to act like you hated us? Like you didn’t want to hang out with us…like we were nothing. I bet you kept expecting us to act like assholes, and we wouldn’t do it. Silver, God, you coulda told me. I told you once you could talk to me about anything. I woulda listened…I woulda helped you find a way to get away from that guy."

I swallowed deeply, listening to the pain in his voice. I had never meant to hurt him. Not him, or Lance, or Kelley, or any of them.

"Silver…we love you. We don’t hate you. You’ve done so much for us…you’ve been the female presence we so desperately needed when we got too macho…and you fixed the guys up with those great girls. You’re so special, Silver." His voice was not pleading, but soothing. "We love you…I love you…I love you so much. I have loved you since that day in State College when you and Nick and I went for lunch, and you tried so hard not to be friendly. It was a test for me kinda, to see if I could make you smile. I wanted you to let me in and you wouldn’t…so I decided I’d just be your friend. I was content to watch you, to make those blue eyes of yours smile whenever possible." He broke down and cried.

                I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. AJ? AJ loved me? I mean, he had flirted and all, but AJ? AJ liked Ari…AJ went shopping with her…AJ put an arm around her…and then I realized why I had felt so jealous when all that had happened. I wanted him to be with ME. I started to say something, then stopped when I felt his hand stroking my hair, and his warm breath on my face. He was leaning over me…singing…

"Blue eyes

Baby’s got blue eyes

Like a deep blue sea

On a blue blue day

Blue eyes

Baby’s got blue eyes

When the morning comes

I’ll be far away

And I’ll see

Blue eyes holding back the tears

Holding back the pain

Baby’s got blue eyes

And she’s alone again

Blue eyes

Baby’s got blue eyes

Like a clear blue sky

Watching over me

Blue eyes

Oooh I love blue eyes

When I’m by her side

Where I long to be

I will see

Blue eyes laughing in the sun

Laughing in the rain

Baby’s got blue eyes

And I am home again

Blue eyes laughing in the sun

Laughing in the rain

Baby’s got blue eyes

And I am home again."

"I love you, Silver. Please please open your eyes, even if it’s to tell me you think I’m the nastiest man in the universe and you wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole." I licked my lips to moisten them and slowly allowed my eyes to flutter open. He gasped. "Oh, thank God."

"Ari," I said with difficulty, still weak.

"Ari? You want Ari?" He asked, confused.

"Don’t you?" I whispered, and he understood.

"No…I want you. I thought I wanted her…but it just wasn’t right. Besides, I think she has a thing for your little friend Lance."  My brow furrowed. Figures. Hussy…moving in on my man and… "We don’t hate you, Sil," AJ told me, wiping the wrinkles from my forehead. "Please believe me, okay? We are a teeny bit hurt, but we understand."

"I’m sorry," I whispered as a tear slipped down my face. "So sorry."

"Shhh…" he whispered back, wiping it away. "Stop it."

"You…love…me?" I asked. "Even now?"

"Oh, God, Sil, more than ever. When I was beside you in the ambulance and thought I was losing you, I felt as if I was losing everything necessary in my life."

It was AJ in the ambulance? He really DID love me. "I would…touch you…" I mumbled.

"What?"

"I would…touch you…with a ten foot pole," I said softly. I reached a bandaged hand up and traced the line of his goatee. He took my hand in his and kissed my palm. "Maybe…I love you, too."

"Don’t say that…not yet…not until you really mean it," he told me, smiling. "I’m just happy knowing you’re alive and you’re okay, and that there is a good possibility you’ll be mine." I yawned big. "Go to sleep, Sil. I’ll go tell the others you’re okay." He bent down and kissed my forehead.

"Stay…’til I’m sleeping," I asked, looking up at him.

"Of course." He sat back down and laid his head on my legs. He was still watching me when I finally

"You are doing it and that’s final!" I snapped the next morning. The Backstreet Boys surrounded my hospital bed, and I was giving them murderous looks in turn. "I’m in a hospital. What could possibly happen?"

"Well…we thought you were safe at the hotel and look what you went and did!" The man who supposedly loved me snapped.

"Bite me, Alex," I growled.

"Later," he said with a promising leer. I rolled my eyes.

"Seriously, guys, go do your show tonight. I have to stay here for observation anyway. I’ll be fine."

"But we worry about you," Nick said. I sighed. How could someone be so sexy and so sweet all at once?

"Think how disappointed the fans would be." I looked at Kevin. "Kev…be the logic in this group of clowns. Do the damn show."

"We could reschedule it for later," he hedged. I moaned, then thought of something.

"If you do not do this show, I will never talk to any of you again. I will never even write a note to one of you again." I glared at AJ. "I will never touch any of you again, and I will most certainly never kiss any of you again."

"Again? Who have you kissed?" Nosy Howie asked. I saw Nick blush.

AJ seemed to consider what I had said. "Okay…we’ll do it. But I’m calling you as soon as we’re done."

"What is it with you and waking me in the middle of the night?" I asked, but I smiled. "Besides…you’ll be getting on the bus for Oklahoma City by then."

"Whoa…you mean you’re not going along?" Kevin gasped.

"Of course not, silly. I have to stay here for observation. It’s what they do with…suicide…attempts." I faltered over the one word. "I also need to have a big discussion with Jive and my publisher. You know…legal stuff."

                "Oh," Nick said softly. I smiled up at him.

"Come on, Nicky. I’ll hook up with you later. The girls will tag along with you to Oklahoma, and then they’ll go back home.  Except Ari. Since Lance wants to stay here for a bit, and the rest of Nsync is staying, she and Krista are gonna bum around here a while."

"You have it all worked out, don’t you?" AJ said, frowning. He obviously didn’t like being out of the loop.

"I talked to Kayla on the phone this morning. We can’t let you men do ALL the thinking for us," I simpered, fluttering my eyelashes. They groaned as one. "Now, don’t you have a rehearsal to go to, or girlfriends to shag, or something?"

"Oh yeah…I DO have a girlfriend I could…" Howie began. Kevin slapped him.

"We’ll stop back before the show," Brian promised. They all hugged me, and AJ hung back.

"Alex, could I have a minute alone with Nick?" I asked.

"Uh, sure." He looked at us strangely, but followed the other guys out. I smiled at Nick, who took the chair that AJ had occupied.

"So…you really like Kayla, huh?" I asked. His face became wreathed in goofy smiles.

"Yeah…she’s a lot older than me, but she acts like a kid sometimes, like me. And she’s so beautiful," he sighed. "I’m so glad you introduced us."

"Me, too." I took a deep breath. "But you care about HER now, right?" I emphasized the word.

"Yes." He took my hand. "I still care about you, Silver, but I see now that you and I wouldn’t have worked out."

"Good…because I wanted to be honest with you about something." He looked worried, and I laughed. "No, it’s not like that. I just wanted you to know that one of the MANY lies I told was about that kiss. I said it did nothing for me. I lied." His eyes widened. "That kiss fucking floored me, Nicky. I had to lean against the door and catch my breath."

"Seriously?" I nodded. I laughed as his chest seemed to puff up three or four inches. Macho pride. "Wow. Cool." He stood and bent to kiss my forehead. "I’ll have to remember that if Kayla and AJ don’t work out for us."

"Get out of here!" I swatted at him. He left the room, and AJ returned.

"Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?" His brown eyes were full of concern.

"Yes," I sighed. He grabbed my hand, squeezing my fingers.

"No…Sil…I don’t think you understand. I was so fucking scared when we burst through the door and saw you on the floor. I couldn’t think…I hardly remembered to breathe. Promise me you will never EVER try something like this again."

"I promise," I said softly. He looked at me for a long moment, and a blush started creeping across his face. "Alexander James McLean…are you blushing?" I asked, smiling.

"Well…maybe…" he stammered, blushing darker. I laughed out loud.

"What is it?"

"Well…this feels so weird, since we’re such good friends and all…could I kiss you, Silver?"

I just looked at him, pleased that he asked and didn’t just do it. "Of course," I replied. I knew that if it felt like my brother kissing me, I would have to end it right then and there. He placed a hand on either side of me on the bed, and leaned down towards me. He kissed both of my cheeks, the tip of my nose, and then his lips gently met mine.

I was glad I was lying down. I couldn’t have stood. Every muscle in my body turned into some kind of gelatin-type substance. If I had thought Nick was a good kisser, then Alex must have given him instructions. His lips pressed against mine, and then his tongue ran lightly along my lips, not requesting access…just searching. He pulled away and my eyes fluttered open. I gasped for breath. That whole kiss I had forgotten to breathe.

"Rest," he told me. "I’ll stop by later."

"Yes, rest," I repeated. "Later." He picked up my hands in his and gently kissed each of my wrists.

"I love you, Silver."

"I…"

"Don’t say it…not yet…" he ordered. "See you later." He threw me a sexy smile and disappeared out the door before I could say anything more.

The girls called and asked if I wanted them to come in, but I told everyone no but Ari. I needed to talk to her. She arrived around three o’clock, and we decided to take a walk around the hospital.

"I need out of this room!" I said as I hopped out of the bed. I was permitted to wear normal clothes, and she had brought a bag of my things. I threw on a t-shirt and sweatpants. We wandered around, talking about this and that. We stopped in front of the nursery area, and watched the babies.

"They’re so cute," she sighed, waving at a little baby who seemed to wave back.

"Yes, they are," I said, deciding to get brave. "Speaking of sex, we need to talk about Lance," I blurted. She stared at me.

"I think we should go back to your room," she said, turning on her heel. We went back to my room and she shut the door. "EXCUSE ME?" She yelled.

"Ari, shut UP! This is a hospital!" I hissed.

"Well, what do you expect me to say? We’ve only been officially interested in each other for like twenty hours or so and you’re all talking about sex!" Ari said angrily. "What’s up with that?"

"I just…he’s…" I stammered.

"You’re jealous." Her eyes narrowed and she pointed a finger at me. "You’re jealous because you can’t have AJ AND Lance!"

"I probably could," I said arrogantly. She rolled her eyes.

"You’ve spent the last couple of weeks flirting with every guy you could get your hands on. Can’t you make up your fucking mind?"

"I have not!" I almost shrieked. She raised an eyebrow. "I mean…I didn’t want to."

"Silver, do you or do you not still have feelings for Lance?"

"Um…well…not like THAT. I mean…we’re over and done with."

"EXACTLY!" She exclaimed. "Remember that!" She carefully took my hand and sat down with me on my bed. "Silver, it pisses me off how you flirt without even knowing, but I understand that you’ve pretty much tied yourself down with an asshole for nine months, and now you’re like breaking out of your cocoon or something. I’ve known since I saw AJ with you the first time that he was head over heels in love with you. I mean, he tried to kiss me, and there was nothing there. Every bit of passion he had was put into loving you."

"But I didn’t know," I said miserably.

"But you do now," she reminded me softly. "Let Lance go, Silver. You said it yourself that you weren’t meant to be. I really really like him."

"I know you do, Ari, and I’m really sorry," I said, feeling like dirt. "I just…we just…"

"You guys had mind blowing sex, plus got along really well OUT of bed," she finished for me, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

"I promise…I will be on my best behavior," I vowed. "I mean, Kevin actually admitted he had FEELINGS…I can’t jeopardize that for Shae!"

The guys did stop by with the girls before the show, and it was really hard for me to see them all. Not because of jealousy…I was dealing with that rather well. It was the fact that they would keep on with the tour, and I’d go home. I would miss them all, including Lance, but watching AJ sit with such a sorrowful look on his face was killing me. Lance caught my eye and smiled.

"Okay, let’s let the lovebirds have some time together," he announced, tugging on Ari’s sleeve. "Everybody out." Everyone filed out of the room.

AJ didn’t come to my bedside as I expected. Instead, he stood and stared out the window. I got up and walked over to him. I laid my head on his back and wrapped my arms around him. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"Fine," he snapped, and I stiffened.

"What is it? What’s wrong?" I whispered. He turned around and took a step back.

"What’s going on with you and Lance?"

My mouth dropped open. "N-nothing, Alex, I swear. He’s officially head over heels over Ari. We are just friends."

"You sure about that?"

"Alex, what the hell are you saying? Lance and I are over and done with!" I exclaimed. "If you can’t deal with the fact that he and I had a thing for a few days, then I’m sorry. I can’t change the past. All I can do is move into the future." I cradled his face in my hands. "And I want…I hope…that my future is with you."

"But…" he began. I silenced him with a kiss…a kiss that kept going and going…his mouth opened and my tongue touched his. I felt electricity race through me. My fingers ran through his short hair as his hands trailed up and down my back. He moaned and picked me up, never breaking the kiss. He sat me on top of the small table, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. His hand was inching up my side when the door suddenly opened.

"Bone, we need to…" Brian drew back, embarrassed. "Shit, guys, I’m sorry. We really need to go, AJ." He shut the door quickly.

"Bone, huh?" I asked, looking down at his groin. Something was definitely happy to see me. "I forgot about that nickname."

"Don’t forget anytime soon," he murmured, taking my hand and placing it over that happy place. I moaned as he slightly jumped against my hand.

"I won’t," I whispered.

"We will continue this," he promised. He drew me into his arms and gave me a big hug. "I’ll call every night."

I nodded. "Email me, too."

"You can count on it."

"I should get out of here in a few days. You have my home number, right?"

He nodded. "God…Silver…I’m going to miss you."

"I’ll miss you, too, Alex." I swallowed deeply. "Please just go, okay? It will make it easier."

He kissed my cheek, gently caressed my hair, and then was gone, leaving me crying on the table.

The next few days at the hospital were torture. Kelley brought my laptop in for me, so I was able to email AJ, and he did call, but I hated being watched by the doctors and staff. I understood that this was all part of being an attempted-suicide patient, just like the fact that I HAD to remain in for observation for seven days, but it invaded my privacy.

The people from Jive came in with their lawyers, and we had a LONG talk. They didn’t treat me very kindly at first, which to me was totally understandable. We were sitting in one of the doctors’ rest areas, which they had turned into a courtroom/conference room. They couldn’t seem to grasp the fact that I had felt threatened by Gregory Rose. That if I didn’t do as he asked, I would not only lose him in my life, but also lose my career in the process. I tried so hard not to cry. This was so hard for me. I knew I was to blame, but it still felt like the walls of my life were closing in on me.

"Did we miss anything?" A voice said cheerfully as the door opened. Lance, Joey, and Justin came waltzing in and took seats on both sides of me.

"Um…what are you doing here?" One of the lawyers asked.

"Moral support," Joey said calmly, though his hazel eyes dared any of them to protest.

"Well, there is really no need for you to be here," another mousy executive hedged.

"Look. She’s our friend. We’re here for her. We’re not saying anything, we’re just here." Justin put his arm around the back of my chair, and my mouth fell open. I couldn’t believe this. The look on my face must’ve convinced the Jive people that I had no idea this was coming.

"Please continue," Joey said, holding my hand. Lance gave me a conspiratorial wink and simply crossed his arms over his chest.

"Okay," the person said who had been talking when they came in. He spoke one or two sentences, then paused. He was obviously thrown.

"You’re her friends?" A female lawyer piped up.

"That’s right," Justin replied.

"Some of us more than others," Joey added, giving Lance a playful glare. I blushed furiously.

"You do understand that this Gregory Rose was going to have her write about you, next, correct?" The woman pushed on.

"He tried…but we talked him out of that REAL quick," Lance piped up. "We simply told him we weren’t interested in any more books at this time."

"That was OUR job to interact with the other forms of media!" The woman snapped.

"Well, OBVIOUSLY you weren’t doing your job too well, were you, or you woulda seen through this fruitcake!" Justin snapped. "Silver was doing what she had to do. We realize that, the Backstreet Boys realize that, and we’ve all decided that you should just let it go, without another word said to anyone."

"You’ve talked to the Backstreet Boys about this?" A lawyer scoffed, as if ten grown men who just happened to be pop stars couldn’t think for themselves.

"We’ve done more than talk." Joey unfolded a paper he had pulled from his jacket pocket. "This is a signed and notarized affidavit that states that we hold Silver Mulholland accountable for absolutely nothing. If any kind of court situation would arise, we will only give testimony or bring charges against Gregory Rose and his publishing company. This also states that we refuse have any kind of interaction with Gregory Rose, his current company, or any company he may form or join in the future." He waved the paper in the air until someone grabbed it.

I stared. I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe they were sticking up for me like this. I had the feeling that even if Jive said choose Jive or me, they’d walk. Justin reached over and gently pushed my mouth closed, letting his finger lightly caress my cheek like an encouraging kiss.

The lawyers crowded around the paper Joey had handed them, grumbling amongst themselves. "I can’t believe this," I whispered. "You guys are unbelievable. All I did to you and…"

"You didn’t do anything to us," Joey reminded me. "Except for Lance, maybe." I swallowed a giggle and saw Lance slightly blush.

"We know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone, Sil," Justin whispered. Everyone had picked up on AJ’s nickname for me. "We’re behind you one hundred percent on this."

"Fine," an executive said finally. "We will not press any kind of charges against Ms. Mulholland. We will not, however, be hiring her to do any writing for us in the future."

"I understand," I said finally. I signed some forms releasing all the material I had gathered on the Backstreet Boys, and then they finally left. I shrieked and threw myself into Joey’s arms. "You guys are incredible! I can’t believe this!" Joey grabbed my arms to make me stand still. He grabbed my face and gave me a smacking kiss on the lips. I gasped.

"That’s from AJ. He told me I was allowed to do that if this all went along as planned." I burst out laughing and bounced from person to person, hugging and jumping up and down.

The day before I was to be released from the hospital, I was having one last talk with the psychiatrist. I was staring out the window, totally ready to go home to my apartment. I needed to purge it of any remnants of Gregory Rose.

                "You know, Silver, suicide is not the answer," he repeated for the nine hundredth time.

"Yes, Doctor, I know," I sighed. This was a doctor I had not spoken to before. I supposed my usual shrink was out on the golf course.

"It is also not a substitute for abortion," he reminded me. "Though in your case, it worked."

I blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Your baby…that was no way to go about ridding yourself of an unwanted situation."

I gaped at him. "Excuse me? Um, what baby are you talking about?"

"Your baby, Silver. You were almost two and a half months pregnant."

I must’ve looked as shocked as I felt. "You…you mean you didn’t know?"

"No, I didn’t," I whispered.

"You mean…" he checked the chart. "…Dr. Fenton didn’t tell you?"

"No…no one fucking told me!" I shouted, jumping out of my chair. I went to stare out the window.

"We assumed this was the reason you attempted suicide, Silver. We were waiting for you to bring it up, and when you never did…" the doctor faltered.

"No, Doctor, the fucking FATHER of this baby is the reason I attempted suicide," I said coldly.

"Normally this amount of blood loss would only create a minimal amount of trauma for the unborn child, but for some reason it went into shock," he tried to explain.

"Doctor, can I go back to my room now?"

"Y-yes…of course." He opened the door, all too glad to get rid of me. I stopped in the doorway.

"I do still get to go home tomorrow, correct?"

"Yes," he replied. I nodded and went out the door.

I sat on my bed, hardly able to keep the room from spinning. Pregnant…I had been pregnant…a baby…I had killed it…I had killed a sweet innocent child. I lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Greg’s baby. My baby…my own baby…I had killed it…

I closed my eyes and allowed the tears to fall.

The next day at ten in the morning I was out on my own again. I had already reserved a flight, and was in a plane by eleven-thirty. I walked in the door of my apartment a little after four in the afternoon.

I slowly walked around, just looking at things. I paused by my answering machine. Twelve messages. I had been gone all this time and I only had twelve messages…showed what kind of hermit I had transformed myself into. Six were from AJ, three were from Kelley, two were from Lance, and one was from Ari. I decided to call everyone later…sometime. Right then I didn’t feel like talking to ANYONE. I grabbed a box from my storage area and began to clean house. Anything remotely involving Greg got trashed. Books, pictures, knickknacks. It all went. I went to the bedroom and opened my closet.  Negligees…accessories…jewelry…all outta here. I filled the box and then headed down to the incinerator. Kelley had once told me that it was very fulfilling to burn things after you ended a relationship. I was beginning to see what she meant.

I tossed the box in after its contents and headed back upstairs. A bouquet of white roses was standing outside my apartment door, as well as a smaller bouquet of mixed flowers. I opened the card on the roses first. Miss you, Sil. Miss you bunches. I’ll call soon, and I cannot WAIT to see you. Love always, Alex. I sighed. The other card read: We miss you, Sister! AJ is driving us CRAZY pining away for you. Counting the days until you relieve us of him, B-Rok, Kev, Howie D, and Nick.

I carried the flowers in and distributed them in vases around the apartment. I took a long hot shower, and then went to bed around seven. I lay awake for hours, listening as the phone rang and the machine recorded AJ’s voice.

"Silver? It’s me…god, I miss you so much. We’re outta here now, and on our way to Canada. Just a few more shows and then I can come home to you. I miss you so much. I wish you were there…I worry about you…we all do. Everyone says hi and they miss you. Love you."

Over the next few days I returned everyone’s calls but the Backstreet Boys. I didn’t feel ready to talk to him, and I knew that if I talked to anyone else in the band he’d wonder why I didn’t talk to him. Lance went on and on about Ari, until I felt ready to vomit. He’d never ranted and raved about ME, I was sure.

"I’m sorry…I’m babbling, aren’t I?" He finally asked.

"No…not babbling at all," I sighed, laying back on my bed and staring at the ceiling.

"Okay…I’ll shut up. One more thing…thanks for introducing us."

"No problem." I sighed again.

"Silver, you know I cared about you…I still do," he began, realizing that I was slightly insulted.

"But you love Ari," I told him.

"Love? No…I don’t LOVE her…we’ve hardly been seeing each other a couple of weeks!" Lance protested.

"Face it, Bass…you’re falling in love with her. I recognize the signs," I told him, laughing at the distress in his voice. Men hated being confronted with their feelings.

"Whatever," he grumbled. "Are you sure you’re okay? How’s that little tattooed troll of yours?"

"Fine," I said simply. I did not want to get into a discussion about AJ. We chatted a bit longer and hung up.

I was in the middle of cleaning my bathroom when the doorbell rang. I moaned and dragged myself to answer it. I peeped through the little peephole and gasped. "Kel?"

"Hey! The party has arrived!" Kelley bounced in the door.

"You’re not here! You’re in Canada!" I told her. She tossed her duffel bag onto my sofa.

"Um…no…I’m here." She flopped down on a chair. "Howie and I had a little disagreement and I decided to drop by. You mind?"

"Of course not." I sat on the sofa. "A disagreement?"

"Yes…they got some new dancers and one of them was becoming WAY too friendly." Her green eyes narrowed dangerously.  "He told me he HAD to dance sexy with her, that it was part of the choreography. I told him that I understood that, but that I didn’t remember HER hand grabbing HIS package as part of Fatima’s routine."

"No!" I said shocked. I had already forgotten all my problems. "You’re kidding!"

"Nope! He had nothing to say, so I told him I needed to go away for a few days."

"How’s everyone else?"

"Oh…wonderful. Brian and Amanda are attached at the mouth…Kevin has started buying Shae little gifts every five minutes…we won’t even go into Kayla and Nicky." Kelley studied me closely. "And AJ hasn’t said five words since he left Texas. Everything okay with you two?"

"Yes! Fine!" I chirped. "I have to finish cleaning the bathtub. Set yourself up in the guestroom. Any idea how long you’ll be staying?"

"Just a day or two. Mind if I use the phone? I’d better let SOMEONE know where I’m at."

"Sure…go ahead." I returned to the bathroom and got back down on my hands and knees. I stared at the tile on the wall, wondering about AJ.

Kelley stayed until the sixteenth, the day after the guys finished in Toronto. She had talked to Howie a dozen times, and promised to meet him back home in Florida to discuss things after the guys had a quick meeting with Jive in New York. I gave her a big hug as we waited for her taxi.

"Silver…I’m worried about you." She drew back. "You’ve lost a ton of weight, and your eyes…you just look miserable."

"Please, Kel, don’t hold anything back," I joked. I sighed. "I’m fine. I’m just drifting right now, wondering where my life is going next. I don’t know if I have a career anymore."

                "You haven’t heard from any of the publishers you sent resumes to?"

"Nope," I lied. I hadn’t sent out any resumes. "I’ll just have to wait and see."

"You know, I’m sure the guys or Lance or Justin or someone could help you out," she suggested.

"No!" I answered quickly. "I’m doing this on my own. I’m not gonna be a girl who gets a job just because she knows a Backstreet Boy." I hugged her again as the taxi arrived. "Take care, Kel. Keep in touch."

We hugged and she hopped into her taxi and drove away.

I trudged back upstairs, sighing. I knew I had to do something about finding work but I just didn’t feel inspired to write at all.  What was I going to write about? A woman who plays around with her married manager, gets knocked up, tries to commit suicide, and generally fucks up her life. Sounded like a best seller to me.

I was in the bedroom rearranging my closet when the doorbell rang. I sighed. What had Kelley forgotten? I threw the door open and gasped.

"Hello, baby," Gregory said with a smirk.

"Um…uh…Gregory," I stammered.

"Can I come in?" He asked, waltzing past me. His eyes took in the living room and dining room. "I see you’ve made some changes." He went over to a knickknack shelve that was once full of gifts from him. Now it was only full of dust.

"What do you want?" I said. My initial apprehension was overrun by anger. This was the man who had made me want to end my life.

"I think we need to have a talk, Silver." He sat down on the sofa and patted the cushion next to him. I took a seat on the chair farthest from the sofa.

"About what?" I said bravely.

"About my unemployment." I stared at him. "The company has politely let me go, since they are being threatened with a lawsuit by Jive Records that basically puts all the blame on me." His dark eyes gleamed with anger. "It seems that the author who was actually writing this book has placed all the initial blame on me. She, however, is getting away without even a slap on the wrist. I guess spreading her legs for any little boyband freak that asked was lucrative."

In a flash I was on my feet, slapping him across the face. "How DARE you," I growled. "You brought this all on yourself, with your threats and your promises. I made the mistake of believing in it all."

"No one forced you to believe, just like no one forced you to fuck every artist on the Jive Records label." My hand lashed out again, but this time he grabbed it, twisting my arm behind my back. I cried out in pain. "And then there’s the whole thing about telling Valerie these lies about you and I."

"You know they weren’t lies, you asshole!" I shouted, struggling against him. "She deserves to know what a snake you are!"

The air in my lungs exhaled in a sudden burst as his fist hit my stomach. "She’s pregnant. She didn’t need this kind of shock. I’m sure the SHOCK is what sent her to live with her mother for a while."

"You send woman to all kinds of places," I gasped, bent over in pain. "She ran to her mother…I tried to run to hell! Big mistake though…I know I'd run into YOU there!"

Greg grabbed my hair, yanking my head back. "Ya know what, baby? That was about the most fucking COWARDLY thing I’ve ever seen. You think you can just give yourself a few little cuts and everyone will understand why you tried to fuck them over…lucky for you it worked." The back of his hand came in contact with my face before I saw it coming.

"Fuck YOU!" I kicked him in the leg as hard as I could, and it was enough for him to let me go. I gasped for breath and began crawling towards the phone. He grabbed my leg and yanked me back.

"You fucking ruined my LIFE, Silver Mulholland," he shouted, grabbing my arms in a vice-like grip. I had to laugh. I couldn’t help it.

"I ruined YOUR life? Greg, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You took my career and destroyed it…you made me betray people I cared about…you promised me you’d leave your wife and marry me…you said you loved me…you made me think life wasn’t worth living…and in that process made me kill my baby!"

He paused, hand lifted. "Baby?"

"Yes, BABY. I mean, maybe it’s for the best…there’s already going to be one poor child carrying your evil genes…the world doesn’t need another one." With a roar he threw me down to the floor, and I tried to block my face as his hands wailed on my skin. Occasionally he moved down to pummel my stomach, as if to block the memory of any life that may have grown there.  Tears soon stopped flowing. I knew it would do no good. "I hate you…" I hissed through swollen lips. "I hope you burn in hell."

Suddenly I felt him lifted off of me. I heard voices, but my eyes were so full of tears and so swollen that I couldn’t see who it was. I tried to sit up, but everything hurt. I felt someone gently touch my cheek and I cringed. "No…Silver…relax," a soothing voice said.

"Nicky?" I whispered.

"Yes, honey, it’s me. We have you now…you’re save."

I heard someone on the telephone calling the police…Brian…and I vaguely saw two people beating on a third one.  "Oh…God…Alex…Kevin…make them stop, Nick. They’ll kill him!"

"And?" Nick said, ready to go jump in himself.

"NO…he has a baby on the way…let the police deal with him," I whispered. "PLEASE."

"Guys…whoa…back off," Nick said finally. Kevin slowly pulled away, but Nick and Kevin together had to pull AJ off of Greg.  Nick gave AJ a gentle shove. "Go to your lady."

I felt more than saw AJ kneel beside me. "Oh…Silver…" he gasped. "What am I gonna do with you? Your life is a soap opera."

"S-sorry…Alex…" I whispered. I felt the tears start. I winced as AJ wiped them away.

"No need to apologize, sweetheart," he whispered. "I AM getting sick of riding to the hospital with you, though," he told me.  "Kevin and Nick are gonna wait for the police with this prick here. Brian and I will go with you."

"Hey, freak, whatever you do, don’t listen to a word she says," Greg spat. "Or she’ll start accusing you of knocking her up, too." I froze at his words, gazing up at AJ with wide eyes. Without a word, Brian went over and punched Greg in the face.

"Couldn’t you have just DRIVEN me?" I grumbled to Brian and AJ as we rode in the ambulance. "I’m fine."

"No…we want to make sure you’re okay," Brian insisted. I started to sit up and protest but yelped in pain. The paramedic started to bitch at me, but AJ interrupted.

"Allow me." His brown eyes glared down at me. "Silver, just lay down and shut the fuck up or I will go off about how pissed I am at you, right here in front of everyone." Even Brian stared at him. I lay back down and closed my eyes, willing the tears to stay in my eyes.

I was brought into the emergency room, which was beginning to feel like a second home to me. After an hour or so I was checked over by a young doctor, who announced me fit to survive. I had a few cracked ribs, a million bruises, and I needed stitches on my cheek where one of Greg’s rings had cut me. I hadn’t even noticed that cut. The doctor looked through my file, which had been faxed over from the hospital in Texas. "Ma’am, it looks like you are making a habit of visiting hospitals," he teased gently. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes," I said as best I could through my swollen lips. "Except for the fact that I just got the shit beat out of me, I’m fantastic."

"Those two guys that brought you in…did one of them…" he stammered.

"No. Not them at all!" I said, sitting up too quickly. I groaned. "It was…my ex."

"The father of the baby that you lost?" He asked softly.

"The father of the baby I didn’t know about," I was quick to explain. I didn’t want to talk about it.

"They explained everything to you…right?" The doctor went on. "The fact that you may not be able to have children?"

No…they hadn’t explained that. "Yes," I lied.

"Do you think that’s the reason this man did this to you? Because you took away his chance to have children?"

"No, Doctor…the reason he did this to me is because I took away his chance to have a future in his career. He’s already married, and his wife is pregnant."

"I see." He slapped my file shut and helped me to my feet. "I think your friends are ready to take you home. I see no reason for you to stay any longer." He walked me out to the waiting room. He held me back a moment in the doorway. "You ARE going to file charges against this bastard, aren’t you?"

I smiled up at him, or at least I tried to. "Oh, you can COUNT on it."

All of the guys were waiting for me. They had rented a van, and we all piled in. "What are you guys doing here, anyway?" I was snuggled in the middle seat between Alex and Kevin.

"We came to rescue you, Fair Damsel," Nick told me, leaning front to tickle the back of my neck. Kevin smacked his hand away.

"We decided to stop by on our way home and see if you wanted to come along," he told me. I realized what might have happened if they HADN’T stopped by, and I shivered. He gave me a gentle squeeze.

"Don’t think about it," he whispered.

"Are you gonna be okay alone, Silver? We have tickets for a flight that leaves in a couple of hours, but we could always stay," Brian suggested from the driver’s seat.

"No. I know Kel is waiting for Howie back home, and you guys all have stuff to do. You don’t need to babysit." I sighed. "I do NOT want to go back to that apartment, though. Just take me back for my purse and some other things, and then I’ll get a room somewhere."

"But…" Nick began. I carefully turned to glare at him, and he shut up.

We got to my apartment and hurried inside. Not that anyone would EXPECT to see the Backstreet Boys, but you never knew.  My hands shook as I tried to put the key in the lock. It finally got real. All the events of the last few hours suddenly fell down around me. AJ took the keys and opened the door. I went into the bedroom and started throwing things into a suitcase.

When I returned to the living room, AJ was hanging up the phone. "Thanks you guys," I said softly. "I owe you in more ways then one…first you save me from a huge court battle, and now you saved my life."

"We’ll collect someday," Brian said cheerfully, carefully hugging me. Howie hugged me next.

"You just missed Kel, ya know," I suddenly realized. "You probably passed her taxi somewhere on the street out there."

He sighed. "I have a feeling there will be some serious bitching when I get home."

"And you deserve it! Letting that woman fondle you," I snapped. He kissed my cheek but said nothing.

Nick didn’t try to hug me. He just took my hands in his. "You sure you’re okay?" I nodded. "Take it easy, and call if you need ANYTHING. Come visit, too."

Kevin hugged me last. He took my chin in his hands and tilted my face up to stare into his green eyes. He had that paternal look on his face. Uh-oh. "You are a pain in the ass, you know that, Silver? You are hardly worth the trouble." A smile flashed through his eyes. "Just kidding. AJ is gonna stay with you until you decide where to live." My mouth dropped open. I didn’t WANT AJ to stay with me. Sure, I really cared about him and everything, but I didn’t want him near me. I didn’t want to infect him with my bad luck. I glanced at AJ, who was staring at me with a stone cold expression on his face. I also didn’t want to face whatever wrath was behind those sunglasses.

"But…Kev…I’ll be fine," I babbled. "I can do this on my own…I…"

"That prick is in police custody…for NOW," Kevin replied. "I don’t trust him. It’s better if someone stays with you until you either change the locks here or move to an apartment with more security."

"But I’ll be in a hotel with security!" I protested. Kevin kissed my nose in response and the guys left, saying goodbye to AJ over their shoulder. When the door shut behind them I was still standing where Kevin had left me, my mouth hanging open. What gave them the right to waltz in and run my life? How about the fact that they just saved your ass, I answered myself. I turned to AJ. "Um…you don’t have to stay," I told him. He got up from where he had been leaning against the wall.

"I don’t mind. My family can wait a few more days to see me." He picked up my suitcase. "Let’s go."

Great…a guilt trip. We silently went down to the garage and got into my car. "Any preference where you’d like to stay?" I asked. He shook his head and continued to stare out the window. I sighed. My nine-year-old niece didn’t throw tantrums this good.

I parked in the garage of the closest decent hotel. I signed us in to a two-bedroom suite. I still had my advance from the book deal and decided to put it to good use. When we got inside, AJ flopped down in front of the TV. I took one look at him and decided to unpack my bag. I lugged his bag into the other bedroom and left it on the bed. I quickly threw my clothes into the closet and dresser, and then went to the bathroom to unpack my toiletries. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and gasped. I looked like someone had dumped blue, purple, and yellow paint all over my face. The bruises were ghastly, as was the swelling.  I gently touched the bandage that covered the ten stitches on my face. I then slowly raised my shirt and stared down at my stomach. Ugly bruises covered every inch of skin, but that wasn’t what I saw. I saw the fact that there once had been a life under the skin, and that I had taken that life away. It didn’t matter that Greg had made me feel that my life wasn’t worth living, or that he had put that baby inside of me in the first place. What mattered was what my selfish cowardly act had done to an innocent life. I placed my hand over my flat stomach and wept…wept for that baby I would never hold, and for the fact that I might never hold any baby of my own.

"We need to talk," AJ called from the doorway to my bedroom. "Are you decent?"

"Fine," I called, hurriedly wiping away my tears. I carefully patted my face with a cold washcloth, and returned to the bedroom.  I sat on the edge of the bed while he remained in the doorway.

"You mind telling me what the HELL is going on?" He snapped. I stared at him. "I have hardly heard three words from you since you left Texas, Silver. You want to tell me what’s up?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it. The reason I hadn’t called him was because of the miscarriage. I was afraid that if I heard his voice, I’d break down and tell him what I had done. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about that. "N-nothing, Alex. I just was busy."

"Busy? You weren’t too busy to talk to Lance, were you?"

"What does Lance have to do with this?" I asked.

"You talked to him like five times, Silver. I know. He told me. I ran into them in New York and both he and Ari told me that they had heard from you and that you were fine. I had to lie so they didn’t know that was the only information I had about you.  I called…I sent flowers…I sent emails. Did you listen to the calls? Did you look at the flowers or did you just toss them out?  Did you read the emails or just delete as soon as you saw my address at the top?" He yelled.

"I…I got it all…I listened to the calls…I read the emails…" I whispered, desperately wanting to tell him why I had hurt him so badly.

"I’m not a mat for you to wipe your feet on, Silver. I won’t be around forever. I’m not going to let you treat me like this while you feel sorry for yourself," AJ snapped, pounding his fist on the doorframe for emphasis. "We saved your ass more times then I can count. What more can I do to show you how much I love you and how worried I am about you?"

"How about you give me a chance to tell you what’s wrong?" I finally snapped. I jumped to my feet. "Maybe there was something I was ashamed of, Alex…did you ever think of that? Maybe the fact that all my dirty laundry was aired to everyone like that!" I snapped my fingers. "Maybe I hated the fact that you knew I had fucked my life away for nine months on some bastard who fed me promises and lies until I created this dream world for myself…did you ever consider that?" I was sobbing now, and he was staring at me, still angry but listening. "You know what? I DESERVED this." I motioned to my face. "I deserved this, too." I yanked up my shirt and showed my bruises. He gasped in horror. He hadn’t seen them before. "I didn’t call and I didn’t email and I didn’t contact you because I was afraid. Afraid of losing you. Afraid of scaring you away when you found out what I did…" I couldn’t talk any more. I fell back onto the bed. In an instant AJ was at my side, stroking my hair.

"Oh…Sil…you don’t deserve this. No one does."

I pulled away. "Don’t decide what you don’t know, AJ."

"What could be so awful that it would scare me away?" He whispered.

"I killed someone, AJ." He gaped at me. "I didn’t know it at the time, but I was pregnant when I tried to kill myself. The trauma and the blood loss and the shock killed the baby."

"Oh my God," he whispered.

"Not only that, but I guess whatever happened made things worse…I may not be able to have children at all," I added dully.  "That’s why I didn’t call, Alex. That’s why I wanted to get out of your life. I didn’t want you to be around someone so selfish."

"Don’t say that." He grabbed my arms and made me turn to look at him. "You didn’t do this on purpose, Silver. You didn’t know!"

"But…but what if I can’t ever…" I sobbed so hard I couldn’t talk. He pulled me into his arms, placing my head on his shoulder.

"Shhh…calm down, honey." He gently rubbed my back, lightly rocking me side to side. "You are a wonderful person…not selfish at all…you were dealing with stress that many people couldn’t have handled. And if you can’t have a baby, we can always adopt."

I pulled back, sniffing in a very unladylike way. "We?"

"Of course, we, unless you can’t forgive me for acting like a hotheaded dick," he said. I almost laughed. "I love you, Silver. I love you whether you have no babies or ten babies. Okay?"

"Oh, Alex, I love you, too," I said, staring into his dark eyes.

"Silver, please…don’t…"

"Stop it," I interrupted. "I know you don’t want me to say it until I feel it. Now I feel it. I’m sure of it. When you wouldn’t talk to me today it drove me crazy. Not talking to you all these weeks has practically driven me insane. All I could think about was being with you again, and all I could worry about was if you would want to be with me after all of this. I really love you, Alexander James McLean."

"You…you’re sure?" He whispered, uncharacteristically anxious.

"Yes, AJ. I love you."

He cradled my face in his hands and gently began to kiss every inch. I know he was trying to kiss every bruise, and therefore had to cover every inch of skin. By the time he reached my lips we had laid back onto the bed. After he finished with my face, he scrunched down on the bed and pushed my shirt up to the top of my abdomen. He proceeded to kiss every inch of that as well. If what he was doing hadn’t turned me on so much, I would have giggled at the way the hairs of his goatee tickled my skin.  By the time he was done, I was shivering.

"Cold?" He whispered, moving up to take me in his arms.

"N-no…it’s warm in here," I panted. I kissed him, carefully pressing my body against his. He moaned and sucked on my tongue as my hands ran up and down his back. I reached for the bottom of his shirt.

"We don’t have to," he said breathlessly.

"I WANT to," I replied. With a groan he pulled my shirt off and quickly reached to unclasp my bra. As soon as my breasts were free he tasted them, covering the skin with kisses as he tried to avoid leaning against my bruised stomach. We tore at each other’s clothes with occasional whimpers from me when I overextended myself. He finally lay down on his back and pulled me on top of him, knowing there was no way he could hurt me in that position. I rode him slowly as his hands caressed my chest and stomach. He whispered love words dozens of times, but it was the look of passion and intensity in his dark eyes that showed me the depth of his emotions. When I orgasmed, he intertwined his fingers with mine, and when he reached his climax as well, he pulled me down to kiss him. He rolled so I was next to him again, and he enveloped me in his arms.

"Don’t make me sleep alone in that other room," he told me. I smacked him.

"Now THAT’S romantic," I said. "Of course you won’t sleep in the other room. You’re not leaving my sight for the rest of the time we are here. You may not even be allowed to leave this room."

"Good," he sighed contentedly. He thought for a moment. "That gives me a whole room to put my stuff in after I go shopping."

I rolled my eyes and sighed, snuggling up against his chest.

"Are you sure you want to do this, honey?" AJ asked a few days later. We were in front of an apartment building downtown.

"Yes," I said, taking a deep breath.

"Okay." He looked at me with worried brown eyes. "I’ll be over in that park." He pointed a block down the street. I nodded and he gently kissed me.

I walked up to the building and pressed the intercom button. "Yes?" A woman answered.

"May I please speak with Valerie Rose?" I said, my voice slightly faltering.

"Who’s calling, please?"

"Silver Mulholland."

The intercom clicked off, and I shifted my feet nervously. The door opened and I looked into the eyes of Greg’s wife. She gasped and motioned for me to come in. I knew I must’ve looked like hell. As the bruises healed, they ended up looking worse instead of better.

"Val, who is it?" An older version of Valerie walked into the room, eyeing me distastefully.

"This is Silver Mulholland, Mother," Valerie said. She sent her mother a look, and her mother narrowed her eyes.

"I SEE," she said. Obviously she knew EXACTLY who I was. "I’ll leave you two alone."

"Actually, ma’am, I’d like you to stay," I said bravely. The woman hesitated, then followed us to the living room.

"This is my mother, Janelle," Valerie said. I smiled at her and she gave me a quick nod.

"How are you feeling?" I couldn’t keep my eyes from Valerie’s protruding stomach. My heart sank as I wondered what I would look like pregnant.

"Physically I’m doing fine. I…"

"Miss Mulholland, what are you doing here?" Janelle snapped.

"Mother!" Valerie gasped.

"No…it’s okay," I said. "Alex told me that you said you wanted to know if I was okay."

"Yes, I did," she said. "I guess you’re not."

"I was…" I said. I took a deep breath. "Valerie, I wanted to apologize. Not that I have no blame in this, but Gregory painted you as an evil monster who drove him crazy, bored him senseless, and wasted his time and money. He said he kept you around only to raise his children, and as soon as the time was right, he was leaving you." I swallowed. "It took me nine months to realize that wasn’t going to happen."

"That’s a lie!" Janelle said quickly.

"No…Mother…I believe her." She turned to look at me. "She has no reason to say this unless it’s the truth."

"I need to tell you more." I swallowed again. I could see the hurt in her eyes.

"Go ahead, Silver," she said gently. "I can take it."

"You’re so nice," I said in awe, thinking how much Greg DIDN’T deserve her. She said nothing, just motioned for me to continue. "This…" I motioned to my face. "He did this." Valerie and Janelle gasped. "I should back up. I tried to kill myself because I had no clue you were pregnant. Greg and I were through, but my career was falling apart because of his scheme, and when I saw you I realized how much of a lie my life had become. I tried to kill myself, didn’t succeed, and then Jive Records came after me. They were all ready to sue me along with Greg when Justin Timberlake, Joey Fatone, and Lance Bass from NSync came to my rescue, saying neither NSync nor Backstreet Boys would press any charges against me, or have anything to do with Greg or anything he was related to. I’m sure this pissed Greg off to no end."

"He didn’t say much…just that he was ready to move on to a new job," Valerie said slowly. I realized that he kept her out of the loop, just as he had kept me out.

"I found out in the hospital in Texas that I had miscarried a baby…I was over two months pregnant with Greg’s child and never knew," I said softly. "Perhaps it’s for the best, though." I smiled shyly. "He’s your baby’s father…that is the most important thing." Valerie rubbed her stomach absentmindedly and said nothing. "So, I came back home and was doing my thing when Greg burst into my apartment a few days ago. Seems he was pretty mad about the whole thing, and decided to take it out on me. He also didn’t like the fact that I mentioned ever being pregnant."

"So he beat you?"

"Yes," I said softly. "I only came here to warn you, Valerie. I don’t want him getting mad at you like this. I can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think you should take him back."

"I wasn’t planning on it," she told me. Her mother gasped.

"Val, you should think about this. Try to work it out…"

"Work out what, Mother!" She got to her feet and began to pace. "He cheated on me for NINE months, and would have continued if Silver hadn’t stopped it! Who knows how many other women there were? And this…if he hit her, what’s to say he won’t hit me? I have money of my own…I can make it." She turned to me. I stood as well.

"I should be going," I said. She took my hands.

"I should hate you…everyone tells me I should…but I don’t. Thank you, Silver. Thank you for being honest…and I’m sorry about all this."

"Not as sorry as I am." I gave her a quick smile, then hurried out the door. I briskly walked down the sidewalk. Alex, who had been sitting on a bench watching some children play, jumped to his feet.

"Are you okay?" He asked anxiously. I nodded.

"I needed to do this, Alex." He put his arm around me and we started to stroll to the car. "Now what?"

He stopped walking. "I want you to marry me, Silver."

My mouth hit the ground. "You want me to WHAT?"

"Marry you…you know…we meet at the altar…you wear white…I wear black Armani with matching shades…big party…I carry you over the threshold and then make love to you for hours…"

"But Alex…" I sputtered. "I don’t know…could I make you a good wife?"

"That is a stupid question, Sil." We started walking again. He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a velvet box. "Here."  He handed it to me as he unlocked the passenger door of my car.

I sat down and opened the box. Inside was a silver ring with a huge diamond in the center. Sapphires were set in the silver band of the ring. I gasped. "Alex…where did you find this?"

"I had it made." He started the ignition. I stared at him.

"What do you mean you had it made? This must have cost a fortune!" I stared down at the box.

"Not quite a fortune." We stopped at a red light. "Are you going to say yes, or what?"

"Oh…yes! Oh GOD yes!" I squealed, throwing myself into his arms.

As we drove up the street that ended at Nick’s beach house, I took a deep breath and sighed. I had not felt this relaxed, or this happy, for months. AJ looked over at me.

"Are you okay?" He asked anxiously. He had fallen into the habit of asking that question every ten minutes, and if it wasn’t so sweet I would have been annoyed.

"Yes, Alex, I’m fine. I’m just so…content," I realized.

"Good." He reached over and squeezed my leg right below the hem of my sundress. He pretended to walk his fingers up under the skirt and I pretended to be angry…the usual ritual. We got out of the car and walked to the side gate into the backyard. We could hear voices and loud music. "Sounds like everyone’s already here," he observed. We walked through the gate and around the corner of the house. Kayla, Kelley, Justin, Chris, JC and Howie were in the pool. Kevin and Nick were arguing by the grill, and Ari, Amanda, and Shae were sunning. Lance and Joey were sitting and talking at a table near the pool.

"SILVER!" Kelley shrieked, pulling herself out of the pool. Kayla, Ari, Amanda, and Shae soon followed her.

"Oh…no…Kel…euwww," I gasped as she gave me a soaking wet hug.

"I LIKE it," AJ said, giving my now wet and clinging sundress an approving glance.

"AJ!" Justin hollered, sashaying towards us in an overly feminine manner. He also gave hugs, making sure he got AJ soaking wet.

"Damn you, Timberlake!" AJ growled. I laughed.

"It is SO good to hear you laugh," Nick told me, giving me a big hug.

"I have a lot to laugh about now," I replied, flashing my left hand. Ari squealed and hugged me.

"At least now I know you will keep your hands off Lance," she whispered in my ear. I pinched her as we hugged.

My sundress was indeed stuck to my body, a fact that I didn’t mind. AJ, however, minded very much. "Nick, do you have a tshirt and shorts she could put on or something?" He growled, glaring at Justin and Chris, who were staring at me.

"I’ll just put on my suit, sweetie," I told him, kissing his cheek.

"I want to hear all about this ring," Kayla said. The girls followed me into Nick’s house. We went to the downstairs changing room and I started undressing to put on my swimming suit. Shae gasped.

"Oh my God, Silver."

"What? Oh…that…" I realized she was talking about my stomach. They had heard about what had happened, of course, but I didn’t give much information over the phone. I wanted to tell them in person. As I dressed, I explained everything that had happened, including AJ’s haphazard proposal.

"I’m so sorry about the baby," Kelley said, helping to tie the strings of my bikini.

"I’m doing better with it, actually. Alex yells at me whenever I look the slightest bit depressed, so I don’t even have time to think about it. And he threw away my Korn CD. He says that even though he knows I would never do anything that dumb again, he can’t listen to it without worrying."

"He’s so sweet," Amanda sighed.

"How are things with all of you?" I asked as we walked back through the house.

"Wonderful," Kayla said, a faraway look on her face.

"Did you move in here yet?" I asked. She blushed.

"Not yet…but he wants me to!"

"That’s wonderful," I told her, giving her a hug.

When we reappeared on the patio, my loving fiancé stopped talking to JC, right in midsentence. He strolled over to me. The other girls went back to what they had been doing.

"When did you get that?" AJ growled.

"Get what?" I said innocently.

"That bathing suit…or should I say that HALF of a bathing suit." He eyed my very skimpy midnight blue two-piece.

"Honey, you said I should get over this whole bruised stomach thing, and I figured a new bathing suit would do just the trick," I said even more innocently. "You’re wearing a new bathing suit."

"That’s different," he snapped, trying to shield my body from everyone’s view.

"No it isn’t. Actually, yours covers just as much skin as mine," I pointed out, looking down at his dark red swim trunks. "Excuse me, Alex. I want to swim." I kissed his nose and dodged around him, diving into the pool. I did one lap to get wet, and then pulled myself out to go off the diving board. I heard glass shatter as Nick glanced at me and did a double take, dropping his bottle of barbecue sauce on the cement. I blushed a furious red and dove my ass into the pool.

A few hours later we were all crowded around the picnic table. The table was very long, to fit Nick’s huge family, but there were sixteen people at this cookout.

"So when is this wedding?" Howie asked with his mouth full.

"As soon as possible," AJ replied. "I want kids."

Everyone looked at me. No one knew about the fact that I probably couldn’t get pregnant. AJ and I had decided that was no one’s business. They stared at me to see if I was bothered by the fact that AJ wanted to start a family right away.

"You just want to practice," I said lightly, trying to ignore his statement. He was ever hopeful of us having our own family, though I had secretly started to research adoption procedures.

"You’re getting married in Florida?" Chris asked. I nodded.

"I’ve always wanted to get married on the beach," I said dreamily. "Anyone know where that would be possible?"

"Here," Nick said. "You can get married on my private beach."

"Really?" I squealed. I jumped up and hugged him. "That would be wonderful!" He turned red, even though I had thrown on one of his tshirts over my bathing suit, at AJ’s insistence.

"You’re my best man, right, D?" AJ said to Howie. Howie looked shocked.

"Sure, Bone, if you want me to be."

"And you’re my maid of honor, right?" I asked Kelley. She nodded, beaming. "Of course all of you girls will be in it," I said. I turned to Ari. "Except you."

"WHAT?" She gasped.

"I’m hoping you understand what a big deal this is for me to ask you this," I said softly. "I want Lance to give me away. I don’t have a father to do it, and it’s something that would really make me happy." Lance’s mouth hit the table. Everyone grew quiet.  "I want to have you in my wedding, Ari, but I didn’t think you’d want to walk up with anyone but Lance."

"Of course I understand!" She exclaimed.

"Will you do it?" I turned to Lance. He said nothing, but nodded. His blue eyes said it all.

"Okay…enough wedding talk. Let’s talk bachelor party," Justin said. I groaned and threw a roll at him.

On the morning of the wedding, I woke up before the sun did. We were all staying at Nick’s house except for AJ…he was at his own house. I went down to the kitchen and rummaged through Nick’s cupboards until I found the coffee and the coffeemaker. As soon as my mug was full I tiptoed outside and down to the beach. I had brought a ratty old towel along, and sat down on it to watch the sun come up. I couldn’t believe that after all I had gone through, I was finally on the verge of true happiness. As the first streams of pink broke the horizon overtop of the sapphire waves, I let out a big sigh.

"It is beautiful, isn’t it?"

A voice behind me made me jump. "God, Lance, please scare the shit out of me!" I exclaimed. I scrunched over so he could share my towel, but he shook his head. He had on only a pair of old sweatpants, and he said he didn’t mind them getting dirty.

"You ready?" His blue eyes smiled at me.

"I think so," I said. "What if my bad luck follows me, Lancey? What if I ruin Alex’s life?"

He threw an arm around me and hugged me close. "I doubt that will happen, Silver. You’ve gotten rid of all the bad things in your life, and things can only get better."

I said nothing, just watched the sun paint pictures across the sky. "We got a gift from Valerie Rose," I said.

"You’re kidding!"

"Nope. She sent this gorgeous silver tea set. I was shocked. She wrote a really nice note, too, and enclosed a picture of the baby. He’s so beautiful."

"She’s a strong woman," Lance observed. I nodded. "You are too, you know."

"Yeah, okay," I said wryly.

"You lost your nerve there for a while, but look at how far you’ve come," he pointed out. I looked up at him.

"A lot of that is because of you, Lance. If I hadn’t met you and things hadn’t happened between us, I’d still be pining away for Gregory."

"No, you would’ve found someone else, I’m sure. I’m just glad it was me." He gave me a big hug and stood. "Let’s go back in."

Hours later, we stood behind the cloth that draped the tiny archway we would walk through to get to the "aisle". I wore a tea-length white brocade dress. White roses were woven through my long hair, which I had kept down. Lance wore the gorgeous blue suit he had worn the first night we went out.

I took deep breaths. "You okay?" Lance asked, amusement filling his blue eyes.

"Yes. I just can’t believe this is happening." As the cloth danced in the gentle ocean breeze, I caught glimpses of Kelley, Kayla, Shae, and Amanda standing in a row by the "altar". They wore gorgeous dresses I had found in a boutique in Orlando. Kelley wore green, Kayla wore red, Shae wore peach and Amanda a light blue. I could see AJ as well. Howie was next to him, whispering in his ear about something. AJ laughed, and finally removed his sunglasses. He was wearing the Armani suit, but was barefoot, as was everyone else in the wedding party.

"Ready?" Lance asked finally, putting my hand through his arm as the music of the solo flutist went through the air. I nodded.  We pushed the cloth aside and began our stroll down the aisle. I caught Ari’s eye and she frowned, pretending to be angry at the fact that Lance and I were together. I barely stuck my tongue out at her, and she laughed. As I drew closer to the altar, however, I only had eyes for my husband-to-be. He looked so handsome, and the love in his eyes was enough to make my knees week. Lance stopped at AJ’s side, and moved my hand from his arm to AJ’s. Lance kissed my cheek and then moved back to sit with Ari.

I don’t remember much of the ceremony. I assume I responded the right way at the right time; in fact I KNOW I did because I watched the video later. I don’t remember it though. All I remember is the sea breeze floating through my hair, the smell of AJ’s cologne, and the sniffs of the small group of people in attendance as they tried not to cry. When it came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had any reason that we should not be together, Alex stopped him. My mouth dropped open. I couldn’t believe it. He really DIDN’T mean to marry me.

"I have a gift for you," he told me. I looked at him quizzically. We had already exchanged matching silver and onyx jewelry the night before. He moved from my side and went to stand next to Brian, Nick, Kevin and Howie. Lance, Chris, JC, Justin, and Joey soon joined him. I moved to stand next to Kayla and Shae, wondering what was going on.

"Do you know about this?" I asked Kayla. She shook her head, as did the other girls. The flutist played one note, and the guys listened for a moment.

"Blue eyes…baby’s got blue eyes…like a deep blue sea…on a blue blue day…"

I gasped. This was the song that AJ had sung to me in the hospital…but now it was being sung in four-part a cappella harmony by ten of the best voices I knew of.

"Blue eyes…baby’s got blue eyes…when the morning comes, I’ll be far away…and I’ll see…blue eyes holding back the tears, holding back the pain. Baby’s got blue eyes…and she’s alone again." Tears streamed down my face. I was unable to stop them. "Blue eyes…baby’s got blue eyes…like a clear blue sky watching over me…blue eyes…oh I love blue eyes…when I’m by her side, where I long to be…I will see…blue eyes laughing in the sun…laughing in the rain…baby’s got blue eyes…and I am home again…"

                I stared at AJ as the guys resumed their places. I couldn’t move. I was in shock. My knees had no muscle in them whatsoever.  "Go on!" Amanda whispered, giving me a push. I stumbled back to AJ’s side.

The ceremony ended, and as he cupped my face in his hands to kiss me, I thought I could never be happier. As usual, I was wrong.

"It’s nothing," I insisted, although I myself was worried sick. I had had terrible stomach pains for weeks now, feeling incredible nausea along with the pain. All I could think was that Greg had somehow not only made me infertile, but also gave me some kind of tumor caused by being repeatedly punched in the stomach.

"Your appointment is for three this afternoon. GO!" Ari ordered before she walked out the door of our home.

I sighed and walked out onto the back porch. Our house had a view of the ocean, but it wasn’t as extravagant as Nick and Kayla’s home. We had room, don’t get me wrong, but most of it was closet space for my shopaholic husband. I thought of Alex and smiled. He had been on my case for days trying to get me to complete adoption forms. I was afraid to. I was afraid that I still had some kind of bad luck virus in me that would ruin a child’s life.

The phone rang and I wandered back in to answer it. "Silver? This is Monica." I smiled as I heard the voice of my new literary agent.

"Hi, Mon. What’s up?"

"Are you sitting down?"

I flopped onto a stool in the kitchen. "I am now."

"They bought it."

"Who bought what?"

"A movie studio. They bought your screenplay."

I jumped to my feet. "They DID? They bought it? Who?" She named a major production studio and my knees buckled. She then quoted the price they bought it for and I had to sit back down. "Oh my God…" I whispered. I had finally gotten back my inspirational muse, and had attempted to write a screenplay. It centered on a woman who had been involved in an affair, and everything that had happened to her because of it. They say write what you know about…

                "And they also want you to write the treatment for the movie," she finished. I gasped.

"Monica, I don’t know anything about movies!"

"You will. I’ll fax you the details. Good job, Silver."

We hung up and I screamed. Screamed loud and long. Alex…I had to find him…he was at Howie’s, working on their new album in Howie’s basement recording studio. I looked at my watch. Damn. I had to go to the doctor’s first. I made myself get cleaned up and get moving to the doctor’s office. The sooner I finished that the sooner I could tell Alex my good news.

"It’s a tumor, right?" I asked the doctor after she had examined me. "It’s some kind of freak tumor."

She burst into laughter. "As much as I know about your medical history, Mrs. McLean, I wouldn’t be surprised. However, this isn’t a tumor. You’re having a baby."

"I’m having a WHAT?" I yelled. "You must be mistaken. It’s just a tumor that LOOKS like a baby. I can’t have a baby."

"Why not?"

"Well, the doctor in Texas, he said…he said…" I babbled.

"Well, even doctors make mistakes. You’re almost three months pregnant, Mrs. McLean."

I hugged her and floated out of her office. I sat in my car in the parking lot without starting the ignition. A screenplay AND a baby. I gasped. What if they wouldn’t want me to do the treatment now that I was pregnant? I worried for a split second, then realized that for the first time in my life my work was NOT a priority. This baby was the most important thing. If they didn’t want a pregnant woman working for them, I would help them choose someone else to write it.

I pulled into Howie’s driveway with a screech. I had a hard time parking, since the cars of five other couples were there. I saw Lance’s car and smiled…he and Ari had just gotten back into town after their honeymoon. She had stopped by my house earlier, and he had come right to Howie and Kelley’s.

I made my way downstairs to the basement. I could hear laughing and joking and I smiled. This was so exciting. The guys were in the recording area while everyone else hung out in the tech room.

"Hey, Silver!" Lance gave me a big hug.

"How was Australia?" I asked.

"Wonderful," he said, glancing at Ari and blushing slightly.

"Let me guess…you didn’t see much of anything but your hotel room."

"Damn straight," Ari said before Lance could reply. Kelley pushed on the intercom button.

"McLean, your woman is here."

Alex looked at the window and smiled big. The other guys waved. "How was the doctor’s appointment? You did go, right?"  Ari asked. The others stared at me.

"It was fine. Nothing that won’t take care of itself in a few months," I said slyly. The Backstreet Boys filtered into the crowded tech room and AJ captured me in his arms.

"Hi, beautiful."

"Guess what…I sold my screenplay."

His eyes widened. "Oh, sweetie…that is fabulous!" He crushed me to him.

"Alex, what do you think about the name Jami? Jami Nickole…or how about Kevin Howard?" I asked in a quiet voice under the chatter of the people around us.

"Um…they’re nice I guess…are these characters or something?" He looked confused.

"No…I thought Jami, after Lance, ya know, James Lance Bass, and Nickole after Nicky…or if it’s a boy Kevin Howard after you know who." I beamed at him. He looked lost for another moment or two. His mouth dropped open.

"Silver…you’re not…you’re…we’re not…"

"Yes, Alexander McLean. You’re going to be a daddy."

He let out a banshee yell and swung me around as best he could in the tiny room. "Bone, watch it, man!" Kevin exclaimed.

When he put me down there were tears running down his face. "A daddy…you’ll be a mommy…our baby." He tenderly placed a hand on my stomach. He looked at his friends, smiling broadly. "Sil is having a baby. WE are having a baby."

Everyone screamed and began to hug me. I lost myself in embrace after embrace, but my eyes never left Alex. When I was finally back in his arms, I realized that all the promises he had made to me had come true. He hadn’t broken one of them.

"I love you, Alexander James McLean," I said.

"I love you, Silver Rebekah McLean," he replied. As he began telling me all the plans he had for changing our house into a babyproof home, I sighed happily. This was the way it was supposed to be.

 

The End

 

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