Being gay doesn't rule my life. Its a big part of it though. It's pathetic when you think about it; simply because I love people of the same sex it affects every area of my life...

I'm 18 years old, I only realised I was gay last year...not even a year ago now. I didn't just wake up one morning and think..."Oh my God I'm gay!" It didn't work like that, it was a gradual realisation that there was something not quite right...some things didn't make sense. I compared myself to my friends, like every teenager does, I knew I was different though. Yeah, fair enough, I did the whole 'fancying' boys kinda thing, but whereas my friends wanted sex...a future with members of the opposite sex, I looked for the ones I could be friends with, I never wanted the sex, I never wanted to settle down with a man. I guess the reason why I never realised I was gay before, was because I didn't think it was a possibility. It's not something you commonly question yourself with.

I was going out with Darren, he was 21, I chose older people because I could relate to them as friends more, older men are more mature...usually. Anyway he seemed really nice and everything, I didn't fancy him though. I never got turned on by him. When it came to the sex part...I just wasn't interested, but since all my friends were raving about it...That was a stupid reason to loose my virginity to a person I didn't even fancy, I knew I didn't want a future with him. I guess I was confused, I wanted to be like my friends, how would I know if I never tried it?

Anyway...as far as it goes, I think that was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. He talked me into, I didn't resist. And to be blunt....It was CRAP. I finished with him after a couple of weeks, I couldn't let myself go on like that. I still didn't know I was gay. But i came up with all the excuses...like...he just wasn't 'the one'.

After him there was Jonno, he lasted about two weeks...again, another attempt by me to be 'normal'. Didn't work though. He was a mardy little shit anyway. I didn't have sex with him, I didn't let it go that far... I didn't want to feel used again, I knew I didn't want it.

When i was going out with Jonno, I started to question myself...like why was I so interested in reading things about gay people...why did I always watch TV programs with gay people in them?

I couldn't be gay..could I? Then again...wouldn't that make a lot of sense?

So from there I began to piece things together, I went online...started looking at gay websites...the more I read, the more I realised I was gay...I fancied women. Everything suddenly made a whole lot of sense, but still I wasn't sure.

Then I built my own website, which is where this one has come from. I wrote about how I felt, and soon people began to email me. I realised I wasn't alone. I got the support I needed by talking to people like myself. I am gay. Its still hard to accept sometimes. But since I met Mandi I never doubted that I was gay for one second. Everything has fallen into place, probably not in the ideal situation, but I am happier than I have ever been.