My Memories

Story of Zee....

This was very hard for Zee to write and tell once again. Please understand this is a Survivor's story, and it is an ongoing one.  Zee still has to work through old memories and old inflicted pain layer by layer, day by day. Why do some think when the Child Abuse ends so do the symptoms and pain of that Abuse? As you read Zee's story you you will understand the life long battle she has suffered and faced head on. The details in Zee's story are not innocent or dreamy Fairy Tales. They are very graphic and sickening. They are what she managed to live through. Stop and think while reading this story that a child who lives very near to your home, even possibly your neighbor girl or boy is living the same horror as Zee did. Child Abuse or Child Sexual Abuse is very common, very common indeed. The more woman I meet the more shocked I am how widespread it is. It has to stop now! And there is only one way we can do that. Spreading the stories and provide links to make everyone become aware of it's very real existence. For the Survivor's the need to spread their story is not based on the need of getting attention.  I believe it's a way for the Grown Adult to fight for the child who was abused the way the Parents or Authorities did not. What more loving act can they do for themselves than that!

Warning this story is very graphic...if you can't handle the explicit sexually graphic written scenes or the violence of how some Children are mistreated, then do not read father....If you choose to make that decision remember Children like Zee had no choice of such kindness as to just stop reading and it would all go away, they wish they did.

The Beginning

5 to 6 years old

So much of my childhood is a blank. Twelve years almost is missing.
I have bits and pieces here an there that are filled with abuse from my Dad
(Charles H. Bowman Sr.), my Mom (Faye Bowman), and least but not
last my Brother (Charles H. Bowman Jr.). I remember being in my bed feeling like I didn't belong. Praying that I would turn into a "boy" and maybe that way I wouldn't feel so unwanted. I use to pray to God to please make me a cripple so they might "Love" me properly or just let me "Die". I Never did  understood back then why I felt like that. I remember those feelings as young as 5 or 6 years of age.

I remember at the age of  4 or 5, having to stand in a chair to do dishes. Lord and when I left a dirty spot on the dishes I would be punished. I had to sit on the floor with my legs straight out in front of me and have to reach and touch
my toes an hour continuously for every dirty dish. And God help you don't bend your legs or you got time added on.

My Father started coming to me in the night. First it started with him fondling me inappropriately, touching my private parts on the outside of my clothes.
Then he started playing under my panties with his fingers and he would kiss my private area. He then started putting his penis in my mouth and moving it.
My mother caught my father doing this to me. She blamed me for his actions and punished me for what he was doing. I remember her holding me down and doing something to my private area to hurt me as my punishment. At this time "I do" remember my Mom hurting me down there regardless of what she say's now. She cut most of my clitoris off as punishment after she caught my
Dad. It all makes sense why I wet the bed as a child and my Urethra kept closing up due to scar tissue. And the Doctor always having to open it back up. I wonder now why didn't the Doctor do anything to help me with this body mutilation inflicted on me!

9 - 12 years old,

imagine this happening to you.....

After my sister was born in March of 1957 the molestation stopped.
Only because my Mother started sleeping in my room with my Sister and I.
But then the physical abuse started. If my Brother or I did anything wrong we got beat with a belt buckle with our pants down. My brother and I were best friends we did everything together. I never played with dolls, just give me a gun or whatever my Brother had and I was happy. From the 5th grade on I always wore pants. I never understood why until I grew up, it was to cover up the marks from my beatings. My Brother started molesting me right before I turned 12. We were in the barn on the back acre. He made a game out of it. He never penetrated me. Mostly making me do Oral Sex on him, the same as my Father did. I also realize now that my Mother had to have molested my Brother in order for him to know about sex at the age he was then. And not to go inside me so he wouldn't get me pregnant. This is the only thing that makes sense to me now.. how would he know how to take his penis and play with
my clitoris. I think most guys would just stick it in. They wouldn't think
about getting someone pregnant at the age of 11 as I was and him 14.

We moved into the new house they had bought. There was a closet
under the stairs that was big enough for my Dad and my Sister to share.
When my Parents left us alone we would play this game with my Sister
where my Brother and I would hide something in the closet locking the
door from the inside. But we were really having sex. When it was just
me and him he would lay on the couch and make me do oral sex on him. This may seem like I was a willing participant but remember it was a game my Father taught me at 4 or 5 years old. And at that age would you believe anything your Father taught you to be wrong? And at ages 9 to 12 or so you have no idea what you are doing if  you have never been told it was wrong. So at that time I thought this was normal Family behavior. This went on till I was in the middle of my 8th grade. When two boys asked me if they could "69'er" me. I asked them what that was and they told me. I knew right then what my Brother was doing with me was sex. This destroyed me, I put a stop to it right at that second. Later on when we had company from Tennessee come up I had to sleep in my Brothers room. He tried to do it again, and I told him to get off me or I was going to scream.

Over 12 years and older,

still too young to totally understand.......

After the age of 12 I remember almost everything. The physical and verbal abuse and molestation from my Brother. My Mom calling me a slut my Dad beating me. Always telling me, "you'll never amount to anything". My youngest Sister getting all the Love an new clothes. Even after she turned 18 they did anything for her but not me. I graduated midterm of my Senior year.  I started working and got a vaginal infection.  I thought the infection was VD and I thought I had caught it  from the restroom. Well my Mom took me took me to the Doctor and told him the pelvic wouldn't hurt me because I was not a virgin. He turn to her and said, "yes she is". She should have felt an inch tall, I finally proved something to her! Well a month later I turned 18 and left home. She told everyone I ran away .........like please.

Well after moving out for a few months I got real sick and had to move back home. They were rummaging through my drawers and found an unopened condom. When I came home I got confronted about the condom. My Dad asked me if I wanted him to model it for me so I would know what one looks like on. I said, "no" and ran to my room, I could actually see him doing it.

21 Years of age and older

and the pain goes on.....

At the age of 21 I tried my first suicide attempt. I took 30, 10mg valiums
and drank most of a bottle of Wild Irish Rose Wine. When I woke up I
thought it was the next day. But it wasn't it was 3 days later. I asked
my Parents why they had not taken me to the hospital, after all I had left a
suicide note. They said they had come up to my room and called my
name and I rolled over an looked at them and rolled back over. I told them
no one sleeps for 3 days without coming out and using the bathroom or
something. Needless to say I left the house and a month later I left Anderson, Indiana and moved to another State hoping they wouldn't find me.

The Grown up Zee,

will molestation's ever stop....

Now I'll  jump to when I was 35 years old and my daughters were 4 and 8 years old. My 4 year old Daughter came home and told me her Daddy's Girlfriend's Daughter had messed with her in her private area and her Son had messed with my 8 year old Daughter. I got so enraged I got my gun and Thank God my Friends were there to stop me. One known Generation of Sexual Abuse in my Family was enough! So I called the Police and DHS and reported it. I took them to the Hospital and it was proven that they were molested. I am thankful that I taught my two girls about not letting other people mess with there private area. Otherwise my 4 year old would have never known to tell me about what happened to them. I started at the age of 2 years old telling my girls about people who might try an hurt them, I am glad I did. I made sure they got treatment for this incident.

This incident brought Back my memories.

After having remembered what happen to me as a child at the age of 35, I tried
to confront my parents. But they denied it of course. A few years later
I tried confronting my Parents again. Still not being able to personally confront my Father's sexual abuse just my physical abuse and my
Brother's molestation. My Mom's only thought was to blame me for her suicide attempts and her heart attacks. She said I should take responsibility for my own mental problems, I caused them. Thank you Mom, I am still getting more abuse from you after all the years of denial on your part.

I know the pain will never stop but I have to try to keep going.

I have attempted suicide 30 times that I am aware of.

The last month or so has been a difficult time for me with all the new memories of what my Mom, Father and Brother did to me. You see the memories come back to me little by little with the help of therapy.

But I have been blessed to have my Family and their love. My daughters
Shaye, Randee and my son Richard, my four beautiful Granddaughters. And
especially my adopted daughter Kirsten who I love with all my Heart.

Zee, January 2000

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