Well, another big gay ball come and gone. ___ and ___ are the new Emps.
This is fine, I have no issue with this. However, ___ will be holding the
purse strings again this year, and that gives me some concern. This is
the man who walked away from my year, presumably because I didn't have
a dick, or maybe because I wouldn't suck his. Hard call. Whatever.
The really funny thing is, I got citizen of the year this year. I admit it, I cried. Not so much for the award, which is about six years too late, but because a) ___ and ___ were the ones presenting it, and b)I got a standing ovation from the crowd. This meant more than the plaque, because it was the community saying yes, you deserve this, not a couple of people saying well, hell, who else are we going to give it to?
___ was here this year! I haven't seen him in like four years, or something. It was so fabulous. I never realized how much I missed him, until he walked in. And then it was like we never were apart! Love her!! Love her boyfriend!! Really funny guy! Course, they were hanging out Fri. and Sat. with ___. whom I never liked, even before he got all court involved. And ___ went back for seconds on that one! Ick!! (He slept with him two years ago, just for spite and cos he was high). Granted, at this point, if a real person wanted a swing at me, I'd probably say yes, regardless...Maybe ___ was just having self esteem issues that night.
Speaking of ___, he was awesome. He keeps me grounded somehow, and more importantly, makes me laugh, and this is a very good thing. I wouldn't say best friends, but there is something so special there, that I think even when I'm feeling neglected, there's a connection there that tells me I could call if I wanted to, and it would be okay. There'd be no moustache issues, no Mr. and Mrs. ___ issues. And that's important to me, as I'm trying very hard to trust people in the real world, and find some lovin' there, if you know what I mean.
___ was around for most of the weekend, mostly cos ___ was stepping down, but also cos ___ was here for his decade walk. Speaking of decades, the rumour was that ___ was going to be here, and I ate a ton in the two weeks before ball, knowing I was doing it cos I was scared of my reaction to him if he showed up, but feeling powerless to stop it. And all for naught. Big surprise there. Oh well, fuck him. fuck him right in the ear.
Anyway, as I was saying, I got to hear all over again how fabulous ___ is, how much help he was, how he's absolutely the cat's ass, etc., etc., and for the most part, I am totally okay with this. There is a couple distinct personalities though, that have serious issues about it. There's the one that is screaming: "You Assholes!! You think I don't know that already?! I know it looks like we have nothing now, but goddammit, I was the one who brought him out!! I have been there, and I wish to fuck I was still there! That would be the less than rational part...Then there's the little one, the one that just cries a whole lot and feels like a sack of shit everytime I'm with him. You know, the one that gets all optimistic when we have a conversation, and I think we're finding our way back to that place where we can have a relationship, and then I find out later that he's gone home from that meeting to tell the boyfriend, "well, don't think I'll be doing that again."
I lost it when ___ was doing his last walk. He did "Don't you forget about me" by Simple Minds, a song that has made me cry since 1985!! This year was no exception. It's like the ultimate fag hag's lament, and it seems to always pop up when I am having abandonment issues. On the lighter side, ___ was fantastic in his last walk. Hell, he was fantastic all year. Even though he never ascended from Prince, I am convinced he was an Emperor, and I think a lot of other people were as well.
The club was a whole different set of issues, and I'll tackle them another day.
So, another year for the court begins. Don't know how involved I'll be, but we'll play it by ear. I will buy a membership this year, only cos I'll get harrassed if I don't. As they say in program, one day at a time.
Did I mention that the journal entries this year might be a little long?
Oh, and even though he might not know this is for him, I know he reads this, so I just want to say HI! to ___, and tell him that he has been instrumental in keeping me stable enough to get out of bed every day and face the world. I think if he can do it, and do it with the good humour that he does, then what right do I have to whine, right?
Okay, gotta go...