• Diary of a Naija Babe

  • June, Wednesday 14, 2000

    I salute una my people. It took me a lot of effort to put up my diary for everybody to see. My mother used to say "a woman should have some secrets" but here I am putting up mine for everybody to see. Still what can I say? Two heads are better than one my people so I shall be calling on all of you to give me some advice. Thanks in advance.

    A little about me. I'm 26, in my last year of college and I'm desperately searching. Yes I said it! Desperately searching. I am majoring in Communications and I live in an apartment off school. I'm dark-skinned, average looking and I think I'm nice to hang with. I don't date a lot. Shh, don't ask me why. Sistahs y'all know why. Few good men out there. But I have to go for now. I'll tell you more tomorrow.

     

    June Friday 16.

    Hi diary.Couldn't make it yesterday but I'm here today so lets chill. Got a summer job today. I know, I know,rather late in the day but just got around to it. So I'm gonna be a security guard and stuff. I just hope its not too stressful because that is the major thing with this place. Every thing stresses. You know? You cannot seem to spend a day without worrying about something or perhaps,is it just me? Met this guy too. Charles is his name . I'm not really looking for anything but I'm ready to hang out with him. It don't matter. Oh well thats my day for you. Toodle-do diary.

     

    June Saturday 17

    Charles called me today by 2.00am. Yes he did! I was like what is going on through your mind? Cos y'all know what time that this. Booty-call time. When the psyche is at its lowest, one cowardly guy calling talking about coming over. I had to set him straight. I may be in America but I'm not American, not yet. So please don't be trying those freaky moves on me. He started complaining about naija babes giving guys an unnecessarily hard time. Hey I don't remember anybody putting a gun to your head to talk to a naija babe. If you feel they are giving you too hard a time, best move on to a "shaniqua" or a "shauntay." That is how I feel.

    Tuesday 20

    I haven't heard from Charles but thats okay. I believe in speaking my mind. My phone was ringing off the hook today. It seems its today everybody remembered me. Ada and I are going on a bus trip to Delaware. I hope it will be fun. I had to cut her conversation short though. Girlfriend can get rather garrulous and I'm geting a little sick of her and Obioma. They break up like every week and Ada always insists on giving me the full details only for you to see them clinging to each other extra tight at the next party. This type love sef!

     

    Friday 21

    My fly was open today probably all day long. A cab driver told me. Boy was I mortified. But anyways, stuff happens. Anyway what was the cab driver looking at that he noticed my open fly? Driving, man you should be concentrating on the road, not on people's bodies. Okay! Now I feel better. I don't know about you but it irritates me to see a full-blooded naija person not here up to six months trying to force american accent. I mean you have to speak what they will understand but do you have to do the whole drawl thoing and the ebonics thing at the same time? I mean lets keep it real, with passage of time, it might be impossible not to speak that way but when you are new, please just listen and learn. Chekina!

    Thursday, 28

    Hi, diary. I'm sorry I've not be faithfully keeping you up to date but bear with me cos I'm new to this. But everything is so-so and I'm keeping, at least for now. My trip to Delaware was cancelled. I don't feel like doing anything these days. Charles called. After the long silence, I was surprised but I did not say anything. We are going to Republic Gardens on Saturday. Cool but if I don't feel like it, I'm cancelling. That area be crowded like hell and I'm not sure thats cene is for me right now. Saw Obioma in his brand new Lexus with ... no not Ada but some other chick. Hmm! Does my girl know about it? Anyway let me not go overboard with the suspicion. It might not that. But anyways that's me for today.

    Friday 30

    Charles and I went to Georgetown today. I love me some Ben & Jerry's icecream. Hung out at the shops there. Its amazing. They think they are slick. Their's is no longer a mall but just shops at Georgetown Park. I mean if you don't go there you will never know there is a mall there. Sorry, y'all can't keep us out. Know what I mean? Shhh. Well Charles and I really bonded and all but I still think he's slick. Kevin is back at work today! Lord I'm going to tell y'all about this guy. I have the biggest crush on him. He's back! He's back! I'm singing. I saw this guy today. He claims to be a brother but this brother be pawing me any time he comes around. I blew him off today. Dirty old man! Ashawo!

    Saturday July 1

    How time flies. Its already the first of July. Next month back to school wahala. Seyi told me about a party at Kenilworth today. I'm not going. First of all, they charge you $10.00.Then in the middle of the party around 3a.m or 4a.m when we are getting down to the oldies. I love the oldies. Some people start fighting. Diary I tell you every time! Over "Iyawo mi" or something and then the party breaks up and we all have to go. Thats like my best time of a party when we start dancing all those old moves like "shuffle" and "fork and knife" to music like "silent morning". Hmm, takes me way back. Anyway, I'll rather go to Republic Garden with Charles.

    Monday 3

    Pepublic Garden was fine. We stopped at one of Charles' friend's house. Thats somehing I absolutely hate to do but Charles promised that it was only for a few minutes. Diary guess who I saw there? I saw Obioma draped around one female that was certainly not Ada. The girl looked slightly familiar. Suiffice to say, she looked like that girl I saw in Obioma's car. Na wa oh! Does Ada know about this? I heard somewhere that a good man is an oxymoron. I don't know if they were referring to mankind as a whole or just the menfolks but I'll choose the latter. Why is it so hard for men to be faithful? And to think they justify it talking about about primal urges and stuff. I will bust some one's lip the next time I hear that. No conscience, thats what it is. When they get a woman, they like sleeping with the housegirl, sleeping with her best friend maybe even her sister. What kind of rats are men? The lowliest ones I believe. I just hurried Charles into the car and we went home. Me to mine, him to his. Odabo!

    Tuesday 4

    Its fourth of July! Hurray. Not that I really do any celebrating but what I would really like to do if I had a partner and the time was go downtown and watch the fireworks. Its really, really nice. But Charles is working and I wouldn't go because its all fun and good going but coming back, you will swear never to do it again. Firstly, if you're driving, ha,ha you will spend the rest of the night there and the metro is filled to the brim. Its so packed, you can't even breath. Mba, mba not tonight. Got a letter from my Nigerian toaster today. He doesn't even know me and he is talking about marriage. Marriage, this all-important thing and somebody will marry anybody just to get to America? What if the rest of your life with that person is miserable? I mean I know some people that are living that out. Marry somebody just cos he/she lives in America and then regret. Oh boy go and sit down. Life in Nigeria is very hard but don't sell your soul for a bowl of soup.

    Wednesday 5

    Kevin and I talked all day at my job. My take on crushes is this ... a mild form of hero worship. I like the person from afar, I imagine the person gets up to very cool things and I just let my imagination zoom. I really don't want to know that person up close because I know the person will surely fall short of my expectations. I just like the person at a distance as some sort of perfection. No faults, so basically I don't want to deepen our relationship just keep it the way it is. Then again that boy is FYNE! But thats that. So we talked and talked and I knew it was going nowhere. He's American, out of my league. As a matter of fact way out of my league. He wants to be a singer. Thank God not rap though! R&Bs. Isn't that cool? Hmm, R&B. Serenade me away boy! You see how I am? Just dreaming away. What if his voice is awful? Well when all is said and done, he's a very nice person though. Yes, the freak in me comes out when I see him. I admit that.>

    Thursday Things you don't know and learn eventually. I always used to wonder what all the fuss about keeping journals or diaries was. Now I've found out. Its extremely therapeutic. Yes it is. When you let it all out, you feel better, free even. Yes, just like the soda and pimple thing. I used to wonder the connection between them but now I know. Cutting back on the soda improves your skin. Found that out myself. I'm resolving to keep an open mind from now on. Ihad a good day though. Minimum fuss although my supervisor is getting a bit cranky. She said to me last night "You're on your own time aren't you?" Damn right, I am. Come in when I want and basically go home when I want. I'm an anarchist. Didn't she know that? Don't mind me. She's supernice. Lets me get away with murder. Thanks Sarah! On the whole, its been a very nice summer and I'm glad. Cos last summer almost had me freaking out. It was so hot! Hmmm.

    Friday 7

    Almost got into trouble at work today. This psycho lady that works there, hit me with a rack. Maybe accidentally, maybe not and had the nerve to tell me instead of apologizing that it was my fault. I almost hit her! But I had to settle for yelling at her. The supervisors came over and broke up the fight. I'm not even worried about it. That lady, hmm she's one of them. Those proverbial fly in the ointment. She's quarrelled with everybody in the building. I think she's bipolar. One day she all over somebody, so nice and the next day, she's the witch of Eastwick. I just keep away from her, I can't deal with her multiple personality. Got so many things to do I don't know where to start.

    Sunday 9

    Procrasination is the thief of time. Whoever said that must have had me in mind. I'm the world's biggest procrastinator. If its not last minute, you can trust me not to do it. Imagine its effect on my life diary. If not for God, I think I would have been out on the streets by now. My FAFSA is the last to go in, I'm the last person to sign my promissory note and always the last person to turn in an assignment or not do it at all. I really need to shake that off. Shake it off. I like that. I was talking to my friend one day about my procrastinating and she said to me, "Look girl, you need to shake it off". That left a kinda mark on me. So every time I have something to do and I'm wasting time, I say to myself, "Shake it off girl", sometimes it works. Other times, I just pull up the covers over my head and go back to sleep. I sure need help. Didn't go to work yesterday. My supervisor is going to be mad at me. Can't help it though, its the procrastinator in me. Hmm that sounds good. I'll use that some more.

    Monday 10

    Its Monday again. Boo-hoo. Diary how can you tell you have been to a particular eating place too much? When the workers there have a name for you. Guess what, I went into my favorite IHOP(International House Of Pancakes) today and I was like "hmm I want to try something new today" to the server and she goes "Oh really, that right. You're the T-bone lady, thats what we call you here" Oh, excuse me! Starting when? (as we used to say in Nigeria) No, no, no. What is wrong with that picture? Ok, I know I like my T-bone steak(well-done) always with my pancakes but that ain't no need to call me that! I was actually a little pissed and wanted to leave no tip but I changed my mind. Since they know me well enough to name me, they must have also noticed how stingy I am with my tips. So shamefacedly, I left 2 bucks. Go figure. I'm upset and I give her two dollars. How ironic. I must be missing a nut or two in the head department.>

    Tuesday

    it's amazing.Just when you think you've got it altogether. Somebody's few words shatters your world. Anyway I got some interesting mail today.I hope tomorrow will be better. I'm trying out my new voice software. It will have to do better than this. Ada called me today and she was complaining about Obioma. I cannot get involved. I mean relationships are strange. Its a world of its own and everything outside that is alien. So I best leave them alone.

    Thursday 13

    I used to love the instant message thing but now, its starting to get on my nerves. Just as I log on and try to do some work, all my "friends" start "messaging" me. I sometimes have to appear offline, if not I will get no work done. But I still love you all, friends. One thing that has being bothering me this week and other days too is this AIDS in Africa thing. I am so worried because knowing our dear continent, oh its so very true. Not because of lax moral values as some shitty people are thinking but because of our penchant for sharing. I remember in my high school clinic, they used to boil(sterilize) the needles before using them again. Things like that are what I'm talking about. The barber's shop, the clippers they use, how many people actually sterilize those equipment? And to the more important issue, what is to be done? I don't think I need to explain the effects of AIDS wiping out a third of our population. That is basically a plague. We really need to come together and do something. The answer lies with and within us.

    Friday 14

    Well ats least thank God today is not Friday the 13th. I have been having a lot of coincidences this week. Firstly, I was thinking about using the bible as a background for my next project so I pick upu the bible and start reading to get as much info as I can when my summer school class was cancelled and I had to take "The bible as Literature" as a replacement. I hope it works out well. Then , I start reminiscing about back in the day. Uni days in Naija and I just start thinking about the last guy I dated at the school. His name was Kristo. Yes that was how it was spelled. He had this ear rattling, annoying American accent which was fake. Why did I go out with him? My boyfriend had just graduated and was posted to Yobe and when he was around, he took up all my time so when he left, I was like a fish out of water. All my friends had become used to not seeing me for long periods and stopped including me in their activities. So when the bobo left, my friends that had the good sense not to date a final year student were rocking with their men and I was boboless. Kristo had been toasting me since like a few weeks after I got into the school so a combination of boredom and stupidity made me date him. Stupid because he was my classmate. It did not work out from the word go and when he started seeing one "bush meat"(sorry, if you do not know what tht means, you did not grow up in Naija!) that was the last straw. Luckily for me, the next semester I left the school. Well, I'm reminiscing, thinking about those crazy brothers of ours, Apache (whose real name was Victor Okoronkwo), Ettah(imitation Snoop Dogg), Udosen(fine as shit),Ini and Ani, Tiny, Osato and the rest of them and I'm having such a good time. Walked past the table and see an envelop with my name on it. You can always recognise naija envelop and behold it was a letter from Kristo! What? I did pick up the mail myself and I did not see it. Where did it come from and as for the contents, naija man na naija man.

    Monday 17

    Ubiquity. Beautiful word. Best description for us nigerians. We are really everywhere. I decided to take a class at a nearby community college and how many nigerians are there in the class? Five including me. What are the odds? In summer school, one class, five nigerians. I liked it though. Personally, I'm one of those people that enjoy having Nigerians around me. A lot of people, I have noticed, start acting strange when they see fellow nigerians. I mean lookie here, I can identify 90% of the time a Nigerian so stop trying to act like you don't know me. Lets just say hi and pass, I did not ask to live in your house or to borrow money from you so whats up? But then again, like Derek my friend says, "Who knows why they do what they do, when they do what they do" Me, I no sabi.

    Thursday 20

    Somebody say pay day! I love the sound of that. So its been a very exhausting few days but what can I say? Man must suffer. Trying to get to get in contact with some school mates back in Naija. As for the Nigerian Western Union, they are a trip. Thats all I have to say about them.

    Saturday 22

    I love my job, I really do. But one freaks me out. Its the way people appear and disappear at my job. I mean there has been cases of people disappearing for 3yrs and more and reappear one day as if nothing happened and continue working and they don't lose their job or nothing. What can I say? Only in America! So lately I notice one of my favorite people hasn't been showing up. Though he was just a casual worker just for temporary purposes, he was supposed to be there. I asked somebody and guess what? Somebody accused him of sexual harrassment and he was escorted off the premises. Now this sexual harrassment thingie is one big bone. It comprises of many things and a lot of things. How to prove it? Vey hard. Many people have been victims of sexual harrassment, knowingly or unknowingly including yours truly. What is to be done? Zero tolerance thats what. Soon as you see the signs, report to whoever is in charge. Don't hesitate, just do it. Now don't go about using that as a weapon, use it wisely. Be honest. Not when you are flirting with the person and you don't want the person anymore you say "Sexual harrrassment" or the person don't want you anymore "Sexual harrassment. Use it wisely. A word is enough for the wise.

    Monday, 24

    Hmm the dentist. I have a big problem, major one in fact. I am cavity ridden. I admit it. A mixture of genetics, nigerian dentists and sweets have left me a contestant in the cavities for life race. Therefore I have to see my dentist regularly. Poor guy, he did not know the battle involved. He took one look at my mouth and said "I'm gonna work on you girl" I was happy but when that drill comes near my mouth, I'm about to run for cover. Still its a necessary evil. My appointment is next week and I'm already shaking. Pray for me.

    Thursday 27

    I really do not believe in horoscopes though I check it whenever I see a newspaper or magazine or something just to laugh. So on Tuesday I look at my horoscope and it talks about me getting some money. Of course I scoff thinking "yeah right, someone's going to give me a million bucks" but surprisingly, I come home and my financial aid award letter has arrived. Now considering when I turned in my FAFSA thats speedy and though not really the kind of money I was thinking about but it still fits the bill. Hey gotta check my horoscope every day now

    Sunday 30

    Another month end. How time flies. Cellphones. How we need them and how they kill us. Okay. The next time somebody sitting next to me on the bus wipes out his/her cellphone to use, I will seize it. Oh, for sure. Okay? For sure. I get on this bus, this pseudo akata is talking to a guy on the phone. From what I deduced from the conversation, the guy on the other end wanted my girl right beside me to give him her credit card to use to buy a shirt. G.A.M.E! Brother was running his game on her and she was all like "only 35dollars, only 35dollars". The bus was full to the brim and almost 50 people could hear all she had to say. About the money in her savings account to her bra size. I don tire.How can you carry on such a conversation in the bus? How about "wait, hon let me get off the bus, I call you right back?" Its time to get our priorities straight. I know I could never do that on a bus.

    Monday 31

    Things are not so cool for me right now. I'm sad. It feels like everything that could go wrong has decided to, now. But being me, the great rationalizer, I see it this way. Problems are like being in a storm. The only thing to do is "Do Nothing!" What I mean is when something you cannot control comes up, don't freak out. I am just going to hold on to this little me inside of me and close my eyes. I know the storm will be over eventually and then I will open my eyes and move on.

    Friday 04

    Its seems the latest thing is for babes to get pregnant and get married to the bobo responsible. I'm talking about Nigerian girls. This month I've heard about 4 already. I know thats not really a new thing but I think its kinda popular right now. Well chicas, I don't blame y'all. I don't mean to say y'all are doing it on purpose but I think thats nice you know instead of an abortion all the time. Well, when you "forget" your protection. But still the deal is this, there's a lot out there so please cover up!.

    Thursday 10

    Its been a long time ... yada, yada, yada. Hey diary!I'm back. Little hiatus going on there for a little while.So many things passing through my mind. I took a class recently and though I loved the class,I regret taking it. It was Bible as Literature and we were to look at the bible from a literary point of view. Now this might seem obvious, but did you know that the Creation story is mythical? Firstly how did the writer know? Was he there? I hear somebody say by divine inspiration but that story parallels to many other Creation stories in different cultures. Why is that? The gospels were not eye witness accounts as I thought and Moses did not write the Pentateuch(five books of old Testament) Wait a minute! I'm left with nothing. What will I believe in now? Karl Marx said "religion is the opium of the masses" Oh how right he is because we all have to believe in something and I think the mere idea of believing that there is somebody out there watching out for me makes me feel a whole lot better. I can tell you right now, some things I don't wanna know. I loved the way I felt about the bible before. Now I can't think of a biblical expression without wondering if it was literal or symbolic. Well thanking you so much for taking away my little sanctuary, Prof. Miller!.

    Thursday 17


    Time flies. Especially when you do not want it to. Its already mid-August and I think I've gained a hundred pounds and its not funny at all. I'll tell you how it happened. I used to work out at Bally's Total Fitness last summer. Damn! the bods there were totally ghettofabulous including yours truly. Psych! Na lie oh! Not mine though. So I decided to buy my own treadmill and work out at home all the time. Guess how much time I've spent on it since I bought it? Nada, Zilch, nil thats how many times. My first mistake was that I did not put it in front of the TV. Got to have my TV on secondly, I did not remember my procrasinating nature now I'm fat and still have a treadmill to pay for. Maybe I'll hire a personal trainer next.Things are lookijng up. Ada and Obioma are still broken up. I must confess, I'm surprised its lasted this long the breakup I mean. Ada is taking hard and I don't know about Obioma. Well I hope things work out for them either way and as for Charles, slick thing nowhere to be seen

    Saturday 19

    Diary I believe breaking up should come with a contract. You know, you both agree not to contact each other. I'm talking about serious breakups, the kind you know in your heart will never be worked out. Maybe some people never go through that phase, they always vacillate, break up, make up, break up again and yada, yada. I am not like that. I mean I work things out sometimes with my boyfriend but I know when its over. So back to my opinion, this is to ensure that they don't come back to disturb you later. I got this call from my last boyfriend. We broke up in January and I was surprised so I go " why are you calling me?" and he tried to waffle through it so I'm like no, no, no I do not want this. Don't call me. Ease my memory from your head. I do not want you up in my business adn he tries to explain stuff. I don't want to know! Just go away and never come back please. And he called me on my cell phone! I know I only called him once with that number. Since January he's had it! Na wa oh. Any way, he's out of the picture and there ain't no way he's coming back into it. As for his number, I'm going to put it on as many chattrooms as I can saying "Call me fo free phone sex at .... I mean it, I will do it>

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