Learning To Live Again

By: Lara

I burned my hand and I cut my face/Heaven knows how long it’s been…since I’ve felt so out of place/I’m wonderin’ if I’ll fit in/Lara and Nick said they’d be here by nine, and Lara said she might bring a friend/Just my luck, they’re right on time/So here I go again…

“Dammit!” Kevin snapped, glaring in the mirror at the tiny dot of red that was growing minutely larger by the second.

“Here.” A tiny piece of toilet paper was thrust into his face, and he grabbed it.

“Thanks.” He tore off a tinier piece and carefully placed it over the cut. “Don’t let me leave this house without removing that,” he said.

“That would be really funny,” Nick said with a smile. Kevin glared at him.

“Not funny, Carter.” Kevin studied his face in the mirror. “So, what’s her name again?”

Nick sighed. “Stefanie. Stef. You’ll like her.”

“Is she cute?”

“She’s great. Wonderful personality.”

Kevin turned to look at his friend, who was sitting on the closed toilet. “So she’s not cute.”

“Huh?” Nick was confused.

“If you ask someone if someone else is cute or good looking, and they answer she has a good personality, that generally means the person isn’t cute.”

“Just because I mentioned her personality she isn’t cute?”

“Generally.” Kevin turned back to the mirror and slapped on some aftershave. He drew his breath in with a hiss.

“Didn’t they go over this in ‘When Harry Met Sally’?” Nick commented. Lara had made him watch the movie so many times that he had it memorized. “She is cute AND has a great personality. Like Lara.”

“You’re biased on that subject.” Kevin wandered into his bedroom to dress with Nick right on his heels.

“You’re saying Lara isn’t cute?” Nick flopped onto the bed.

“No. I’m not saying anything about whether or not Lara is cute. If I say she is, you’ll hit me. If I say she isn’t, you’ll hit me.” Kevin pawed through his closet, glancing at Nick once to see what appropriate attire would be.

“Whatever.” Nick rolled his eyes. “But she’s not ugly, and she has a great personality. Therefore…”

“I get it.” Kevin pulled on a pair of black pants and a button-down white shirt. “This okay?”

“Fine,” Nick sighed, sitting up. “I don’t see what the big deal is. We’re just four friends going out to dinner. Is that so bad?”

“Nick, do you realize how long it’s been? I haven’t been on a date since…well…since I can’t remember.” Kevin combed his hair as he talked. “I’ll feel like a dork.”

“You ARE a dork,” Nick said generously, and Kevin threw his comb at him. “Seriously, though, she’s really nice. She and Lara are like this.” Nick crossed his fingers. “I like her a lot. You will, too. She’s not like…the last one.” He knew that even mentioning Kristin’s name made Kevin miserable.

“Okay.” Kevin sighed and took a deep breath. “What time are they gonna get here?”

“Well, Lara had a hair appointment at four, and she said she thought they’d get here around seven.” The grandfather clock downstairs chimed seven just as the doorbell rang.

“I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m not ready. I’m…” Kevin babbled, sounding very unlike his normal confident self.

“Yes, you can. Get yourself downstairs and put on that Richardson charm,” Nick ordered, shoving Kevin towards the hallway.

I’m gonna smile my best smile/And I’m gonna laugh like it’s goin’ out of style/Look into her eyes and pray that she don’t see/That learning to live again is killing me…

Kevin took a deep breath as he opened the door. “Hi,” he said to Lara.

“Hey, sweetie.” She gave him a hug and kissed his cheek. “Kevin, this is my friend Stef. Stef, this is Kevin, one of Nick’s best friends.”

“Hi,” Kevin said to the girl standing behind Lara.

“Hi,” Stef said shyly.

“Oh…um…come on in.” He moved aside to let the women in the door.

“Hi, Nick,” Stef said, smiling at Lara’s husband.

“Heya, Stef, how’ve you been?” Nick said over Lara’s shoulder as he hugged his wife.

“Good.”

“Sit down…please…” Kevin said, motioning towards the living room. Everyone sat, and as Nick, Lara and Stef chatted, he took the opportunity to check her out. Bluish-green eyes, reddish-blonde hair. Nick was right. She WAS cute. And she wasn’t too short, either. Just right. He blushed at himself for staring at her.

“We would have been here sooner, but the traffic was awful!” Lara was complaining. “Molasses in January, I swear.”

Kevin laughed a little too loud and Nick gave him a pointed look. “Well…you’re here now and I’m starving. Everyone ready to eat?” They got to their feet and headed for the door, Kevin locking it behind them. “Mind if I drive, Kev?”

Kevin shook his head. “Not a problem.” He and Stef crawled into the back seat of Nick and Lara’s car.

“Stef’s an aspiring singer,” Lara said, turning towards the backseat. Stef blushed.

“Hardly all that. I’m trying, though.”

“You should hear her stuff, Kev.” Nick looked at Kevin in the rearview mirror. “She’s good.”

“You played that for him?” Stef said, playfully swatting at Lara’s head.

“Yeah…the other night while we were in bed. I really felt like…”

“NICKOLAS!” Lara yelled, mortified. Nick and Kevin snickered. “I swear to you that he’s lying, Stef.”

“Oh, I don’t mind,” Stef said, amused. “What a flattering concept.”

“You are SO castrated when we get home,” Lara muttered, glaring at Nick.

“Good. We could use a soprano,” Kevin said, finally loosening up a bit. Everyone laughed.

Kevin looked out the window and didn’t say much more. He was so nervous his palms were sweating. This felt all wrong. She seemed nice, but what could she possibly want with a bozo like him? Kristin had made it perfectly clear that he was a loser, and no girl could possibly want a loser, right? This was just weird. He glanced over at Stef, who was glancing back at him. They both smiled and held each other’s gaze for a split second before turning back to their windows. She was cute.

Little café, table for four/But there’s just conversation for three/I like the way she let me hold the door/I wonder what she thinks of me…

“We came here last week,” Lara said as they piled out of the car. “Their seafood is incredible.”

“They serve shark here,” Nick commented, earning an elbow in the gut from Lara. “Even dead she won’t touch them.”

“You are so funny,” Lara growled, playfully tickling his ribcage.

Nick and Lara went into the restaurant first, and when Kevin and Stef reached the door, she held back. He liked that. Too many feminists these days. He gallantly swung the door open and she smiled up at him. “Thanks,” she said softly. “Not too many gentlemen left these days.” She walked in ahead of him and he couldn’t keep the smile from his face.

They got settled at a table for four and looked at their menus. Nick, Lara and Stef talked about mutual friends and other topics as Kevin stared down at his menu dismally. He was an intelligent man. He knew this. But not one intelligent thought stayed in his mind. He felt like a fifth wheel even though there were four of them. He was almost relieved when the women excused themselves to use the restroom.

“Kevin, what is up with you? I tried to get you involved in the conversation, and you kept ignoring me.” Nick looked annoyed. “She’s gonna think you’re a dumbass if you keep this up.”

“Maybe I AM a dumbass,” Kevin snapped. “I don’t need you to set me up, Nick.”

“I think you do. You have been moping around your house for eight months now, and it is time for you to get your ass out into the world. What are you afraid of?”

“Everything,” Kevin whispered, watching Lara and Stef return to the table.

Lara just whispered, “You’re doing fine,” and I wish that I felt the same/She’s asked me to dance, now her hand’s in mine/Oh my God I’ve forgotten her name…I’m gonna smile my best smile, and I’m gonna laugh like it’s goin’ out of style/Look into her eyes and pray that she don’t see/That learning to live again is killing me.

Lara leaned over to Kevin as Nick and Stef discussed dessert. “What do you think?”

“She’s cute,” was all that popped into Kevin’s head. He blushed as Lara giggled. “I mean, she’s really nice. Smart, too.”

“Told you. Wait until she sings for you. You’ll flip.” Lara glanced at Nick, who was waiting expectantly. “Anything chocolate and peanut butter,” she informed him. She turned back to Kevin.

“I feel like an ass,” he finally confided. It was easier to tell the truth to Lara. She wouldn’t tease him upside and down like Nick would. “I feel like any education I ever had above the fourth grade has disappeared from my brain.”

“You’re doing fine,” she reassured him. “You are being your normal charming self.”

“Okay,” Kevin muttered, not seeing an iota of truth in her words. Stef and Nick ordered for everyone, and he turned his attention back to his date. Date. What an odd sound.

“So…have you written any songs on the new album?” Stef asked him. He swallowed deeply.

“Three,” he said shyly, and she smiled at him.

“That’s so cool. I know what it’s like, writing your heart out and hoping people appreciate it.”

He looked at her speculatively. “It’s hard. It’s like wearing your heart on your sleeve and praying no one rips it off.”

“Exactly.”

“Yes!” Nick said as music grew louder in the background. “I was hoping they would have music tonight.” He looked at Kevin. “Every once in a while they have a DJ and they clear that area over there for dancing.” He pointed to a corner where tables had been whisked away. He stood and held his hand out to Lara. “Dance, love?”

She looked at her feet. “I kinda like my toes.” He grabbed her arm and playfully yanked her up.

“Quiet, wench, or no sex for you,” Nick said, misquoting the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. Lara blushed a furious crimson. Even though they were married, sexual comments like that in public still embarrassed her.

“Keep talking shit like that and no sex for YOU, Carter,” Stef said, laughing.

“Exactly. You’re dancing on thin ice, Nickolas,” Lara said as Nick dragged her off to the dance floor.

“He’s a child,” Kevin said, watching his littlest brother grind up against his wife.

“Yes…but you have to love him. It’s impossible not too,” Stef commented, watching them as well. “She loves him so much. She’s so afraid of losing him,” she continued without thinking. She realized what she had said and blushed darker than Lara had.

Kevin stared at her. “What do you mean? They’ve been married for almost three years now.”

“I know…she just sees him as some kind of sex god that everyone wants and she feels that he can do better.”

Kevin’s eyes darkened. Sounded very familiar. Kristin had told him in no uncertain terms that his status as an idol was all status and no reality…and she could find a stronger, sexier, handsomer, smarter man just by snapping her fingers. Yes, the idea of feeling inadequate was not a foreign one. “It’s not true,” he said softly. “He loves her just as much. He’s miserable out on the road without her.”

“It must be tough for you guys, trying to have relationships and a career at the same time,” Stef said sympathetically.

“What’s harder is finding someone who can deal with it,” Kevin replied.

Stef didn’t reply. The music changed to something slow. Nick enveloped Lara in his arms and she closed her eyes as she tucked her head onto his chest.

“Would you like to dance?” Stef asked suddenly, and Kevin gaped for a second. He had been looking for the nerve to ask…but this was nice.

“I’d love to,” he replied. He stood and without thinking reached for her hand. She slipped her smaller hand into his and they walked to the dance floor. Nick’s eyes met Kevin’s over Lara’s head, and Kevin mentally begged him not to say anything. Nick obeyed, for once, and simply gave him a grin. “So…um…” Kevin said, his mind racing with horror. What was her name? Oh shit…what was her name? He looked around wildly, and caught Lara’s eye. She and Nick were close enough to hear his blunder. Stef, Lara mouthed. “Stef…when do I get to hear some of your stuff?”

Stef looked surprised. “Well, like she said, Lara has some of it at home. Make sure she loans it to you.”

“Okay. I’m looking forward to it.” Kevin smiled big, hoping he sounded and looked more confident then he felt.

Now here we are beneath her porch light/And I say what a great time it’s been/A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight/And I say, “Can I see you again?”

“Nicky, I’m tired,” Lara whined. Nick glanced at his watch.

“Baby, it’s only quarter to one. The place doesn’t close for…”

“I SAID I’m TIRED,” she snapped wearily. Kevin smiled at her.

“You keep forgetting, Carter. No matter how long she’s been with you, she’s not on performer time. Her bedtime is while the sun’s down, not up like you.”

“Fine.” Nick pretended to sulk.

“Maybe she’s just trying to get you home to bed,” Stef pointed out, winking at Lara.

“Think so?” Nick said hopefully, and Lara poked him.

“You’re not that lucky,” Kevin said, and Nick shot him a dirty look

Kevin and Nick argued over the check as Lara and Stef went to the ladies’ room one last time. “What do you think?” Lara asked Stef as soon as they were in the restroom. She had been dying to ask him that question all night.

“He’s nice,” Stef said nonchalantly, checking her hair in the mirror. Lara shoved her.

“Dammit, you think more than that and I know it!”

“Okay.” Stef turned to Lara and smiled. “All the press stuff? The media photos and all the interviews? They do NOT do that man justice. He is beautiful!”

“Isn’t he? I mean, he’s no Nicky, but he’s quite a specimen.” Lara carefully hopped up and sat on the vanity by the sinks.

“But it’s not just that…he is really nice. He seems so sensitive. Still waters run deep and all that.”

Lara studied her shoes. “His ex, Kristin, she hurt him bad. Said some awful things. Therefore he is not really fond of the whole female gender. Nick practically had to promise to name our first born son Kevin Scott Carter to get him out tonight. I think he’s having a really good time, though.”

“I hope so. I did.” Stef gazed into the mirror, not really seeing anything. “I understand how he feels, though.”

“Terry was a dickhead, Stef.” Stef gaped at her. Lara hated that word and rarely used it. “He WAS. He and Kristin would be a perfect couple.” She slid down from the counter. “So would you and Kevin.” She waltzed out of the bathroom before Stef could reply.

“So, Kev. Stef didn’t bring her car…would you mind driving her home?” Nick said as he pulled in behind Lara’s car in Kevin’s driveway.

“Of course not. You mind?”

“No. You have to drive better then the Carter husband and wife.”

“Hey!” Lara and Nick said together, insulted.

“Trust me. I do.” Kevin hurried into the house to open the garage door.

“I had a great time. Thanks for forcing me to come along,” Stef whispered to Lara as she hugged her.

“No problem.”

“Have a nice drive home,” Nick said with a smirk. Lara cuffed him on the back of the head.

“Will you EVER grow up? Night, Kevin!” She called as the garage door opened.

“Night, Lara. Later, Nick.”

“I’ll call you around lunchtime…if I’m up then,” Nick told him. He and Lara got into their cars and zoomed away. Kevin pulled his car out of the garage, then hopped out to open the passenger door.

“Thank you,” Stef said politely. “I’m about four miles from here. McKinney Street?”

“Yes. I know where that is.”

They drove in silence. Each of them wanted to say something…anything…but felt that to break the silence was to take a step onto shaky ground. Stef gave him directions to her house and he pulled into the driveway a short time later. Once again Kevin held her door open, and he walked her to the door. Stef unlocked the door and reached around to turn some lights on. She turned back to Kevin.

“I had a nice time tonight.”

Kevin smiled slowly. “So did I. It was really fun. A lot easier than I thought it would be.”

Stef laughed out loud. “Was I so awful?”

“Oh…God…no!” Kevin exclaimed, mortified, and she laughed again. “I was just…it was…it’s been a long time,” he finally confided.”

“Me too,” she replied softly.

“Can I see you again?” Kevin put it all on the line. “Um…that is…if you can handle me being a bumbling idiot again?”

A broad smile crossed Stef’s face and she giggled quietly. “We’ll see. I’m sure Nick has your number, right? And Lara has mine.” The look on her face held a lot of possibilities.

“Right.” Kevin smiled down at her. He hesitated, then leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Good night, Stef,” he whispered.

“Night, Kevin,” she replied. She stepped inside the house and closed the door. Kevin waited until the door was closed behind him before starting down the sidewalk. He reached the car, but not after he did a mini-fist pump in the air. He wanted to whoop, wanted to yell, but he decided the pump would have to do.

Stef carefully moved the living room curtain aside and watched Kevin walk to his car. She laughed as she saw his fist pump in the air two times before he opened his door. She flopped onto the sofa and closed her eyes, reliving every moment of the night in her mind.

And she just smiles her best smile, and she laughs like it’s going out of style/Looks into my eyes and says, “We’ll see.”/Oh this learning to live again is killing me/God, this learning to live again is killing me.

The End

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