I Turn To You
By: Cindy
I sat, clutching my
daughter’s hand and prayed. It wasn’t a
good day. The doctors told me there
were still ten children ahead of her on the list for a heart. I was completely destroyed. Now, as I think about it, I realize that I’m
hoping ten healthy children will die soon so that my child can have a new
heart. How warped is that? What kind of God makes this happen to his
wonderful little children? I don’t know
the answers, but I sit here and pray to Him, hoping he’ll give them to me. She stirs…
“Momma?” She whispers.
“Yeah, baby, I’m right
here. Can I get you something?”
“No, but why don’t you
go down to the little show. I know
you’d like to see them.”
“I’m not leaving you,
sweetie. If you can’t go, neither will
I.” I told her. Our favorite group, *NSYNC was performing
today for the children in the hospital.
Allie was too ill to be moved so she was going to miss the show. There was no way I was going to leave her to
see them. Her condition changed so much
from minute to minute I wasn’t going away for a second.
“Well, you can if you
want to, Momma. I’m not going anywhere
yet.” She told me. Her green eyes were dull and tired.
“Maybe Mrs. Wilson is
video taping it. We’ll watch it
together later, okay?” I asked
her.
“That’ll be cool.” She smiled and my heart broke a little
more. “I’m gonna rest a little right
now.”
“Okay, sweetie. I’ll be right here.” I brushed the bangs off her forehead and
kissed her lightly. “I love you, baby.”
“Love you, Momma.” A tear ran down my cheek. I laid my head down on the bed beside her
and dozed off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Hey, guys, let’s get
started!” Justin yelled. “The kids are getting restless.”
“Where’s JC? He’s always late.” Lance whined.
“Shut up, Mr.
Perfect. I’m right here.” JC panted as he ran up behind the other
guys.
“Okay, now everybody
behave for a change. This is for the
kids. They don’t wanna see how ya’ll
really act.” Lance pointed at each of them.
“Give us a break. Maybe if you’d lighten up a little and have
some fun you wouldn’t be such a prick.”
Chris told him.
“Yeah, or maybe he just
needs to get laid.” Joey threw in.
”Leave it to you to think of sex. We’ve
gotta work!” Lance walked ahead of them
and into the cafeteria.
Screams filled the room
when they saw the guys coming. They had
their work faces on now. They were
definitely a well-oiled machine when it came to performing and meeting the public. They loved visiting sick children. Lots of stars saw it as a chore, but they
actually cared about the kids and making them feel better, if only for a few
minutes.
They sang a few slow
songs, then did “Bye, Bye, Bye” and “It’s Gonna Be Me” with full
choreography. After the performing,
they made their way around to each child to sign autographs, take pictures, and
chat with everyone.
They were there for
hours but didn’t even notice the time since they were enjoying themselves so
much. Justin was teaching some of the
not-so-ill children some dance moves.
Chris challenged them to video game marathons. JC sat in a corner singing with a little girl. Her eyes shined brightly. Joey was hitting on the nurses and making
the little girls giggle. Lance sat back
and watched it all. He longed for children
so bad, but seeing them like this broke his heart.
‘Why does there have to
be such horrible sickness for children?’ he thought to himself. He got up and walked out of the cafeteria.
Lance walked down the
quiet hospital corridor. Everyone was
in the cafeteria so the halls were empty.
As he walked past an open door he saw a little girl lying in a bed. He noticed the recognition in her eyes as he
passed. He stopped, backed up to the
door and stood there.
“Momma! Wake up!”
she moved her arm that was under my face.
“Mmmmmmmmmmm.” I was sleeping so good. Then I realized Allie was trying to wake
me. “Oh, I’m up, baby, what is it? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” I
looked at her in a panic.
“No, Momma, look!” She pointed toward the door and I saw
him. Lance Bass was leaning against the
door frame with his hands in his pockets.
He smiled sweetly at Allie, then at me.
“Oh!” was all I could
come up with. My hands went to my
hair. I had been lying on her arm and
sweating. Hair was stuck to my
face. ‘Oh, God, this is just great.’ I
screamed inside my head. ‘I look like
hell and he looks amazing.’
“Hi.” He spoke in that
adorable Mississippi accent.
“HI!” Allie said to him as she waved
excitedly. “Come in, please, Lance!” He grinned widely and stood up
straight. He kept his hands in his
pockets and walked over to the bed.
“Well, pretty girl, you
know my name, but I don’t know yours.”
He reached over and took her hand.
“Alexis Nichole
Abernathy!” She stated loudly.
“It’s a pleasure to meet
you Alexis Nichole Abernathy.” He
chuckled at her.
“Nice ta meet you too,
James Lance Bass.” He chuckled again
and I finally snapped out of it and joined in.
“Lance, this is my mom, Cindy.
She loves you soooo much.”
‘Oh, my, God, just kill
me now!’ my head was beginning to hurt.
“How do you do, Lance?” I
managed to stick my hand out to shake his.
“Doing good,
thanks.” He smiled. I could’ve died on the spot. “So, I didn’t see ya’ll in the cafeteria. You didn’t wanna see the show?” he asked us.
“Oh, I wanted to
alright, but they wouldn’t let me come.”
Allie pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. “I told Momma to go, but she wouldn’t leave
me.” I smiled at her lovingly.
“Allie is too ill right
now to be moved so we stayed here.
We’re both big fans, obviously, and hated to miss it, but we have to
mind the doctors, don’t we sweetie?”
Allie rolled her eyes and nodded.
“Well, I better be
getting back to the other guys. Glad I
got to meet you Allie, Cindy. Hope you
get better soon so you can come to a show.”
“Oooh, that would be
sooooo cool!” Allie sighed. “I don’t think I’ll ever be that well, but
it’s something great to look forward to.”
I lowered my eyes to my hands at her comment. She was so mature for her age.
Illness does that to children. I
had seen it a lot since she got sick.
“I’ll keep you in my
prayers.” Lance said as he walked out
the door.
“Momma, oh my God, Lance
was in my room!” she turned to me and
reached for me. I bent down and gave
her a big hug.
“I know, baby. That was great stuff. I’m sure I look like hell though.” I stood back up and walked over to the
mirror.
“Momma, you’re
beautiful. I’m sure he noticed.” She grinned.
I spun around to look at
her. “Oh, please! Whatever!
I’m just glad you got to see at least one of them today. I know how upset you were that you couldn’t
see the show. You know if there was any
way, I would’ve let you go, right?”
“I know.” She said sadly. “Why do I have to be sick, Momma? Did I do something wrong?”
she had tears in her eyes.
“No, baby!” I ran to her bedside and grabbed her
hand. “No! Don’t ever think you did anything wrong. I don’t know why, nobody knows why some
people get sick and others don’t. Only
God knows that, baby.” It was so hard
to be strong for her but I had to.
“Well, when I get to
heaven, I’m just gonna ask God why.”
She said matter-of-factly.
“Okay, you do that! Then if I’m not already up there with you,
send me a message down here.” I grinned
at her and tickled her side.
In the hallway Lance
leaned against the wall outside the door.
A tear ran down his cheek as he listened to our conversation. Someone was coming up the hall so he snapped
out of his thoughts and headed back to the cafeteria.
“Lance, where ya been,
man?” Justin asked as Lance entered the
cafeteria.
“I took a little
walk. What’s going on? We about ready to leave?” he asked him.
“Yeah, in a few
minutes.”
“Listen, there’s
something I need us to do before we leave, okay?” Lance told Justin.
“What is it? You look upset.”
“I am a little. I need us to do something. I met a sick little girl who couldn’t be
moved to come to the show today. I want
us to go sing her a song. You think the
guys will do it?” Justin was moved by
the sadness in Lance’s eyes.
“Yeah, man, I’m sure
they won’t mind. Let’s round them
up.” Lance nodded and headed for
Joey. He was still macking on the
nurses.
“Joe, we gotta go.” He told him.
“Hey, I’ve almost got
this one right where I want her.” Joey
whispered to him.
“C’mon, spare her
please.” Lance rolled his eyes and
pulled at Joey’s elbow.
“Gotta run, ladies. I’ll be back to see you, I swear.” Joey said as Lance pulled him backwards.
“Bye, Joey. Please do come back to see us.” One of them told him as she waved
good-bye. He blew her a kiss and she
blushed.
“Geez, Joe, you amaze
me.” Lance said.
“I know, I keep telling
ya to stick with me and you’ll learn how to be a playa.” He wiggled his eyebrows.
“Yeah, but you see, the
thing is, I don’t want to be a PLAYA.”
Lance shot back.
“Dork!” Joey said to him playfully.
“Ho!” Lance played back.
The other guys had
gathered already. “Sorry, you know how
hard it is to tear Joe away from the ladies.”
Lance told them. They turned to
the children and said their good-byes.
“Alright, fellas, I need
a favor. One more song, okay?” he asked them.
“Who are we singing
to? We just said good-bye.” JC asked.
“Lance met some really
sick little girl down the hall that couldn’t come to the show. He wants to sing her a song so let’s
go.” Justin answered for him.
“Cool. Real sweet of ya, Lansten.” Chris added as he patted Lance on the
back.
“She was a sweet
kid.” Lance looked at the ground
sadly.
“She’s really sick,
huh?” Chris got serious.
“Apparently. I don’t know what she’s got.” He said.
“Well, let’s go sing to
her. Brighten the little angel’s
day.” JC grinned.
Allie had insisted on
putting her copy of *NSYNC’s HBO concert on to watch. She said at least she could watch that if she couldn’t see them
in person. Her nurse came in to check
on her and she told her all about meeting Lance. She was so dramatic and the nurse looked at me and giggled.
“I hate I missed that
Miss Allie. My shift just started so I
didn’t see them at all.” Regina, the
nurse told her.
“Well, you have another
chance, I think, Miss Regina. Look
behind you!” Allie pointed at the
door. Lance was standing there again
and the other guys were with him this time.
Regina turned around and let out a small scream.
“Calm down, Miss Regina,
they’re just people.” Allie told
her. The guys laughed and walked into
the room.
“Sooooooo, you must me
Allie.” Chris bounced over to her. “Lance told us all about you, pretty
girl. We had to come see for ourselves.” He plopped down on the edge of her bed.
“Chris, you are the
silly one, aren’t you?” she asked
him. We all laughed again.
“Yep, crazy, that’s what
they call me. So, why are you watching
this stupid boy band on your TV?” He
teased her.
“I couldn’t come to your
show, so this is the best I can do.”
She stated.
“Well, no it
isn’t.” Lance walked up to her. “We figured since you couldn’t come to the
show, we’d bring the show to you. Can
we sing you a song?”
“YEAH!” she squealed. Tears came to my eyes as I watched how they interacted with
her. They were amazing. Especially Lance.
The guys gathered
together and broke into the most wonderful accapella rendition of “God Must
Have Spent A Little More Time On You” I had ever heard. By the time they were finished, the tears
were flowing like a waterfall out of my eyes.
Allie had the biggest grin plastered on her face as she sang along with
them. Nurse Regina was also
crying. Other nurses and even a couple
of doctors had stopped at the door to see what was going on. When the song was over they were met with
screams and applause from everyone.
“Oh, man, that was
awesome!” Allie told them.
“It was just for you,
precious girl.” Justin said as he bent
down to hug her.
“Yeah, we’ve gotta go
now, but you take care of yourself and get out of this hospital, okay?” Chris told her.
“I’ll try.” Allie answered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Are you okay?” JC asked
Regina.
“Uh, I…I think I’ll be
fine. That was a wonderful thing ya’ll
did.” She sniffed. He grabbed a tissue off Allie’s night stand
and handed it to her. “Thanks.” She took it from him.
“It was Lance’s
idea. He met her earlier and felt bad
she was a fan and didn’t get to see the show.
I’m JC, by the way.” He stuck
his hand out.
“Regina, and I know who
you are.” She shook it quickly then let
go.
“Cool, so you’re a fan
too?”
“Oh yeah. Big one.”
She grinned at him.
“Really? Who’s your fave *NSYNCer?” he grinned back.
“You are.” She looked down and blushed.
“Alright! So, you wanna go to dinner sometime?” he asked her.
“Are you serious?” she gasped.
“Uh huh. Why, you don’t wanna go out with me?”
“Are you crazy?! Of course, I just can’t believe I just met
you and you just asked me to go out!”
“So, that’s a
‘yes’?” he teased.
“Yes, it’s a ‘yes’ but,
oh, um, I work evening shift so I only have a couple of days I’m off and
they’re always different. When did you
want to go?”
“Next time you’re
available. When would that be?” he pried.
“Uh, I’m off on
Thursday.”
“Thursday it is
then. Give me your number and I’ll call
tomorrow to set it up.” Regina looked
around for something to write on. She
found a note pad on the table and jotted her digits down.
“Here’s my number and my
address.” Her hand was shaking as she
handed it to him.
“Hey, don’t be nervous. I’m just a guy, you’re just a girl, we’re
just going out.” He tried to calm her
but those blue eyes were burning into her.
“Yeah, you’re just a
guy, okay, got it. No problem.” She smiled weakly. He was killing her with those eyes.
“Well, we’ve gotta
go. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He touched her shoulder and she felt like
she had been electrocuted.
“Uh huh.” Was all she could get out.
One by one the guys all
hugged Allie and said their good-byes.
Lance hung around after they all left.
He walked over to talk to me.
When Lance got close to
me I dove at him and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Thank you sooooo much
for that, Lance!” I squealed at
him. He was taken by surprise but I
felt his hands go around my waist.
“Ahhhh, it was nothing,
really. Just wanted to help out a
little.” He replied. Then I realized what I had done. I pulled away from him quickly but our
cheeks brushed together slightly.
“I….I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to invade your space. I was just so excited about what ya’ll
did…” I couldn’t look him in the
eyes.
“Hey?” he put a finger under my chin and tilted my
face up to him. “It’s okay,
really. She is a special child isn’t
she?” I nodded as I looked over at
her.
“She’s my life. I don’t have anything else but her. No other family, no real friends
either. It’s just me and her. We’re in this together.”
“Hey, how long has it
been since you got taken out to dinner?”
he turned to look into my eyes.
“Oh, um, geez, I don’t
remember the last time. My dining out
consists of the hospital cafeteria most of the time.”
“Then let me take you
out to dinner. Get you away from this
for a while? Hmmm?” I was looking down again and he bent his
head sideways to look at me.
“I….thank you…..but I
can’t.” I shook my head no. “I really can’t leave her. Her condition could change and I can’t not
be here if something goes wrong.”
“Please?” I looked up at him and he looked
wounded. “I just want to give you a
break from all this, if only for an hour or so.”
“Break? There’s no break from this. This is my world. I have no choice.” I told
him.
“Look, I know that. I didn’t mean….just….you have a cell phone
right?” I nodded. “Well, I have one too. We’ll give the nurse both numbers and if
Allie so much as looks at her funny she calls us and we come right back. There’s a Copeland’s a block away. Great food, quick to get back here if
anything happens….”
“Momma?” I heard Allie call me.
“Yeah, baby?” I hurried to her bedside.
“Go to dinner with
Lance!” she ordered me. My eyes almost bugged out of my head. I heard him chuckling behind me.
“You’re not helping
here.” I shot him a sideways glance but
then started giggling myself.
“I’m fine, Momma. Regina is gonna play UNO with me.” I looked over at Regina who was nodding her
head.
“Yep, we’ve got these
fine *NSYNC UNO cards.” She grinned at Lance and he rolled his eyes. “I don’t have any other kids to watch out
for tonight. Just go. Give me your numbers and go have some
fun.” I grabbed a pen and wrote my cell
number on a notepad. I turned my phone
on to check the battery. Full. Good.
Lance wrote his number on the pad too and handed it to Regina.
“I won’t keep her too
long, Allie. Want us to bring you some
dessert?” he asked as he kissed her on
the forehead.
“Yeah, bring me some ice
cream!” she giggled. “Cookie dough ice cream!”
“Ice cream it is,
darlin’.” He winked at her. She giggled some more.
“Give Momma a hug,
baby.” I bent do hug her.
“Have fun Momma.” She whispered in my ear.
“I’ll try.” I whispered back. “We’ll be back real soon.”
I kissed the top of her head and walked to the door. Lance was standing there waiting for
me. God, he’s beautiful. I have to get those thoughts out of my
head. I don’t have time for that.
We rode in silence to
the restaurant. Once we parked, Lance
ran around the truck to open the door for me.
He noticed the shocked look on my face.
“My Momma didn’t raise
no bum. I do know how to open doors for
lovely ladies.” I blushed and took the
hand he held out to me. Once I was out
of the big truck he held out his elbow.
I smiled and tucked my hand in the crook of his arm.
It wasn’t very crowded
in Copeland’s. It was already 8:30 and
the middle of the week. Lance asked for
a small table in the back as private as possible. The hostess recognized him and ushered him in quickly. I had almost forgotten he was famous. Then I heard some little girls gasping and
snickering as we walked past them. He
turned on the charm and smiled and waved at them.
The hostess took us so
far into the back I didn’t think we’d ever get there. When we did, it was perfect.
No one else was sitting in our area.
We were totally secluded. It was
very romantic. ‘Oooh, there I go
again. He’s not here to be romantic
with me. Stop thinking those thoughts,
Cindy!’ I need to quit having
conversations with myself. That’s gotta
mean I’m nuts or something.
“Is this okay with you,
sir?” the hostess asked him.
“Perfect, thank
you.” He smiled sweetly at her and she
melted.
“Jenny will be your
server. She’ll be with you in
moment.” She told us.
“That’ll be great,
thanks again, um, Wendy.” He looked at
her name tag.
“You’re welcome, Mr.
Bass. It’s a pleasure to have you here
in our restaurant.” She beamed. She turned and walked off quickly.
“Well, well, I could get
used to that kind of service everywhere I went.” I teased him.
“Aaaah, it’s not always
like that. I do come here a lot
though. This is by far the best table
I’ve ever gotten though. Maybe I should
take you out more often.” He looked at
me with those beautiful green eyes and I was mush.
“Oh, this had nothing at
all to do with me. I don’t even think
she realized someone was with you!” I
countered.
“Okay….let’s see what we
want, shall we?” he handed me a
menu. “I always get the same thing
every time I come in here.” He said.
“Oh, I do that too,
everywhere I go. I find something I
like and I stick with it.”
“What do you get
here?” he asked me.
“Chicken
Alfredeaux. It’s great stuff.” I smiled.
“I always get the
Burgundy Beef.” He licked his lips and
I melted a little more.
“Maybe you can let me
have a bite of that. It sounds
yummy.”
“Sure, as long as you
let me try the chicken.”
“I guess so.” He pouted.
“Oh, okay, enough with the eyes and the pouting.”
The waitress came and we
ordered. There was never a lull in the
conversation. I made him tell me about
the new album they were working on. He
was very excited about the new things they were trying. When the food came he got serious on me.
“So, what exactly is
wrong with Allie?” I was caught off
guard as we had been having light conversation until now. I didn’t know if I was able to talk about
her illness.
“Uh,” I started.
“Listen, if you don’t
want to talk about it I’ll understand.”
He put his hand over mine.
“No, it’s okay. I just don’t get asked much. Everyone at the hospital knows what’s
wrong. I don’t see too many other
people. She was born with a congenital
heart defect. She had a hole in her
heart. We didn’t know when she was born
because everything seemed normal. She
started having trouble when she was four.
I took her to a pediatrician and he heard something. He sent us to a pediatric heart specialist
right away. He told us that as she
grew, the problem would get increasingly worse. The hole was already too big to close with heart surgery. They immediately put her on a transplant
list.
“We were on a waiting
list for a year before a heart became available. She was around 5 ½ at the time.
Everything went well for about a year.
She was even allowed to play outside a little bit. I watched her like a hawk, though. She was pretty healthy for about a year then
she started getting sick again. Her
body started rejecting the heart.”
“After a year that can
happen?” he asked.
“Yeah. They have to take anti-rejection medication
every day forever after a heart transplant.
We never missed a medication, but something went wrong. So, now we’ve been on the transplant list
for a year and a half. This morning
they told me she is still ten children down on the list. How am I supposed to feel about that? Wanting my child to live so bad I want ten
healthy ones to die?” My eyes teared up
and he grabbed my hand again.
“I don’t pretend to know
what you’re going through, Cindy. I
wish I could help in some way.”
“Yeah, well, unfortunately
you can’t unless you have an extra heart lying around somewhere.” I said sarcastically. “Oh, Lance, I’m sorry. I just get so angry when I think of what all
she has been through in her young life.
Nobody should have to suffer like that.” I put my head in my hands and cried. Lance got up and slid into the booth next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and I cried
into his chest. I felt like such an
idiot but I couldn’t help it.
“Let it all out,
honey.” He whispered to me as he stroked
my hair.
Our food arrived. The waitress asked if everything was okay.
“Everything’s fine. This looks wonderful.” Lance told her. He stayed beside me in the booth and we began eating in silence. I was sure I had mascara lines running down
my face, but he didn’t seem to care.
After a few minutes of
eating in silence I spoke. “Sorry about that outburst.”
“Don’t be sorry. You need to let it out before it eats you
alive.” He is such a wonderful
man. How can anyone be so wonderful. “Here, you wanted to try this.” He stuck his food-filled fork in my
face. I looked at him as I opened my
mouth and let him stick the fork in.
“Mmmmmmmm, that’s
delicious.” I said between chews.
“Told ya.” He grinned.
“Now give me some of yours.” I
cut a piece of the chicken and fed it to him.
“Ooooh, I might have to order that next time.”
We continued to eat in
silence occasionally feeding each other.
I felt so comfortable with him.
I didn’t understand it at all but it was a great feeling.
“Tell me this. How are you paying for all of Allie’s
bills?”
“Well, I do manage to
work enough hours to keep my benefits.
Insurance has paid for everything so far so we’ve been very blessed.”
“I see. I never asked you what you do.” He turned to look at me.
“I’m a realtor. I manage to leave Allie just long enough to
show houses a few times a week. I work
with mostly estate sales so the commissions are huge when I sell one. All my files are on a laptop so I can work
out of the hospital.”
“That’s great.” He said.
“Yeah, if I had a
regular office job, I would’ve lost it by now.
I don’t even want to think about what would’ve happened without the job
and benefits.” I shook my head.
“Well, the reason I
asked was cuz we have different children’s charities we work with. If you need anything, I’m sure I can get it
for you.”
“You’re a wonderful
man. I’m sure you know that, but I had
to say it. Wonderful. Not too many people want to get close to me
and Allie. They know it’s probably going
to end badly.” I choked back more
tears.
“Why wouldn’t somebody
want to get to know a wonderful woman and her angelic daughter?” he was serious.
“They don’t. I don’t know why. You and the other guys were great today. I can’t thank you enough for what you did
for her and what you’re doing for me now.”
“It’s no problem, I told
you. We’re good people. You’re good people. We’re supposed to help each other out, you
know? That’s what I was taught,
anyway.”
“I need to thank your
mother for raising you so right. She
must be an incredible lady.”
“She is. You remind me a lot of her. She’d do anything for her kids.”
We made small talk and
finished up dinner. We almost forgot to
stop and get Allie’s ice cream. We knew
better than to walk in there without it.
We all had a bowl with her and I tucked her in to sleep. Lance kissed her good-bye and I walked him
to the door.
“I know I’ve said it a
million times today, but thanks for everything.”
“You’ve gotta stop
thanking me every five minutes.” He
chuckled at me and his eyes danced.
“Sorry. Can’t help it.” I pouted.
“Oh, but don’t
pout. If you need to thank me to keep
from pouting, then thank me again.” He
pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms
around his waist and held on tight. I
didn’t want the night to end. He pulled
away first and bent his head to brush my lips with his. “I’m going to call you tomorrow to check on
Allie. I’m not going away, okay? I want to see you both again.”
“Okay. You know where to find us.” I smiled sweetly at him.
“Yes, I do.” He kissed me again quickly then turned to
walk away. I touched my lips with my
fingertips. I could still feel him
there.
Over the next few weeks
we saw all the guys at one time or another.
JC was there a lot, hitting on Regina.
She didn’t mind and I loved seeing them together. They had gone out on several dates and were
totally hot for each other. It was
obvious.
Chris and Lance came by
one day before lunch.
“I came to take you to
lunch, can you go?” he asked me.
“Regina isn’t here. I don’t want to leave Allie.”
“I knew you’d say that
so that’s why I brought Chris. He’ll
entertain her while we’re gone.”
“You expect me to leave
my daughter alone with the crazy one?”
I teased him.
“HEY?! I heard that!” Chris interjected. Allie
laughed hysterically at his antics. “I
have cell phone numbers and you’re gonna go to lunch.” He grabbed my purse for me and pushed me
towards the door.
“Well, okay, looks like
I have no choice in this matter.” I
dodged him long enough to run to Allie’s side and give her a kiss. “Don’t torture Chris too bad, baby girl.”
“Okay, Momma, I’ll try
not to.” She giggled.
“Oh, God, what have I
gotten myself into?” Chris climbed up
on her bed and snuggled up to her.
“Okay, we’re gonna watch some violence and adult language films.”
“I’ll kill you dead,
Kirkpatrick!” I yelled over my shoulder
as Lance ushered me out of the room.
Lance drove me to
McAllister’s Deli. Once again he asked for
a table in the back. This place wasn’t
as quiet as Copeland’s but it was a cute little place. We looked over the menu. I had never been here before. We ordered our sandwiches and Lance spoke.
“I had a really good
time with you the other night.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you just
love it when women freak out and cry all over you.” That sarcastic bitch showed up again.
“Hey, I mean it. I’m glad I could be there for you. I want to continue to be there for you if
you’ll let me.” His eyes burned into mine.
“Don’t look at me that
way, Lance. I can’t handle it.”
“What do you mean?” he was puzzled. “You’re beautiful and I can’t help but look at you that way. I want us to be more than friends.”
“I….I just can’t think
about adding someone else to my life right now. It’s too hard just dealing with Allie. I wouldn’t be a good friend and as far as anything else goes,
it’s just impossible. I have too much
going on in my life. It would be
one-sided. You’d be having to listen to
all my shit and I’d be too wrapped up in Allie to listen to yours.”
“Is this why you don’t
have any friends? Because you push them
away when they get too close? Or is it
just me you don’t want around?”
“That’s not it. I’m just lousy with relationships. It’s happened before and I don’t need that
heartache again.”
“Are you talking about
Allie’s father?” I nodded my head. “What happened with him?”
“He left. He couldn’t handle Allie being sick and me
spending all my time taking care of her so he left. Everybody leaves.”
“Well, that’s just
bullshit, Cindy. I’m not going to
leave.”
“Yes, you will.” I got up and walked out of the
restaurant. I realized when I got
outside that I was in his car so I had nowhere to go. I just paced back and forth.
Inside Lance paid the
waitress for our food and had it put in to-go boxes.
Before he could start in
on me I blasted him. “You have a career
and a tour to start soon. You’ll be
gone. You might call a few times here
and there, but you won’t be here for us.
So why should I start something with you that can’t possibly go
anywhere?”
“We can make this
work. I promise you I’ll be here every
time I get a day off.”
“Don’t make me promises
you never intend to keep. It’ll only
hurt us in the long run.” He put the
food on his hood and spun me around to face him.
“Why can’t you just let
yourself be loved?”
“You don’t LOVE me,
Lance. You are trying to be the hero
here. Mr. Wonderful is gonna take care
of the pitiful mother and her sick child.
I don’t want to be anyone’s charity case and I won’t allow Allie to be
either. We’ve done fine alone and we’ll
get through this somehow, together.
Take me back to the hospital, please.”
I walked over to the door and waited with my arms crossed over my
chest. He got in on his side and
unlocked the doors. I got in and
crossed my arms again.
I stared out the window,
not really seeing what was outside. I
didn’t realize we were going the wrong way.
When we finally stopped, I was jolted out of my trance.
“Where the hell did you
take me?! I said I wanted to go to the
hospital!” I shot daggers at him.
“This is my house. You’re coming inside and we’re going to talk
like adults.”
”Why do you feel the need to order me around?
I’m not going in there.”
He got out of the truck
and opened my door. I sat there staring
straight ahead.
“Get out of the truck,
Cindy.” He grabbed my arm and
practically dragged me out of the truck.
“Lance, stop it! What are you doing?” He bent over and threw me over his shoulder
and walked to the front door. I was
beating on his back and screaming at him.
“Put me down, you asshole! What,
are you kidnapping me now?!”
“Maybe.” He was perfectly calm and I was soooo pissed
off. He carried me inside and put me
down in his den.
“Son of a bitch! What is your problem?! I can’t believe you..” I was cut off by his
lips on mine. Suddenly I couldn’t
breathe. My head was swimming. I felt his tongue touch my lips and opened
my mouth for him. God, his tongue felt
so good rubbing against mine. I wrapped
my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. My whole body had awakened.
I felt him lift me at the waist and sit me on the back of the
couch. My legs involuntarily wrapped
around his waist. He moaned and my stomach
flipped.
He pulled away from me
and I let him reluctantly.
“I had no idea you were
so feisty, but I like it.” He
growled.
“Shut up and kiss me
again, jerk!” I growled back.
He kissed me again, this time with more
passion. He grabbed my ass and lifted
me.
I broke the kiss and
seductively asked “Where are we going?”
His lips moved to my
neck and he mumbled “Bed.”
“Mmmmmmmm.” I moaned and
bit down on his ear lobe.
Once in his room he laid
me gently on his huge bed. The
comforter was so soft. He crawled onto
the bed and hovered over me on his hands and knees. I raised an eyebrow at him because he was just looking at me.
“I know I kinda took
charge there, but if you don’t wanna…” I cut him short by pulling him down on
top of me. “Well, alrighty then.” He said before I attacked his mouth
again. He moved his mouth to my jaw
then my neck and down my collarbone.
“For the record, I like
how you took charge.” I whispered as
his mouth moved down between my breasts.
He looked up at me and smirked before lowering his head again. He tugged at the buttons on my blouse with
his teeth. He was torturing me and
enjoying it. I let out a loud sigh and
he finally unbuttoned the blouse. He
kissed my hardening nipple through the lace of my bra. I whimpered at the heat of his breath on
me. I raised up so he could unhook the
bra and shivered when the air hit my bare skin.
“You okay?” he whispered huskily.
“Mmmmmhmmmmm.” He kissed me so sweetly I thought I’d
melt.
I unbuttoned his shirt
and slid it off his arms. He had a
beautiful chest to go along with the rest of his beautiful self. I ran my fingertips over it. He inhaled deeply when I touched his
stomach. I smiled at that and leaned up
off the bed to lick across his nipple.
He practically jumped off the bed.
“Oooh, you like
that?” He could only nod.
He made quick work of
removing my pants and slid my panties slowly down my legs. He was sitting back on his knees and I could
see his erection straining for release through his pants. I reached out and ran my fingers across
it. His eyes rolled back in his
head. He ran a hand up my leg to my
mound. I stared at his eyes as he slid
his fingers down to my center. My hips
bucked off the bed at his touch. He
grinned at the effect he had on me. He
moved to lower his mouth to my center but I stopped him. He looked up at me with questioning
eyes.
“I don’t need all that
right now.” I told him.
“But I want to taste
you.” He leaned down and kissed around
my navel.
“Later. Right now I just want to feel you inside me,
Lance.” He crawled up the bed so we
were face to face. I kissed him softly
and began unzipping his pants. He
pushed them off quickly then turned to look at me. I ran my hand up and down his shaft softly and he moved between
my legs and rested himself on me. His
hardness was pressing against my clit and I was trying to remain calm.
He stared at me for what
seemed like an eternity, then spoke.
“I just want you to know
I’m crazy about you. This isn’t just a
fling for me. I know you have other
thoughts about it and I don’t wanna get into that right now. I just had to tell
you how I feel. You’ve made me crazy
since the day we met.”
“Thank you, Lance. You are very special to me, no matter what
stupid things I say. I mean it.”
With that he raised up a
little and slid slowly into me. It felt
so perfect and so right. Like it was
meant to be for us to be like this. The
rest of the world melted away and all I could see or feel was him. His hips worked their magic and I met him
thrust for thrust. It was slow and
sweet and everything I could’ve dreamed it would be with him.
I rolled him over and
began riding him slowly. He gently
massaged my breasts. I loved the look
on his face as I slid up and down on him.
He bit his lip and I got wetter somehow. His hands moved to my waist and he pulled me down on him harder,
grinding his hips into me. I felt his
thumb come into contact with my clit and began moving at a faster pace. We were both nearing our climaxes.
“I’m coming…” he whispered.
“I’m there.” I grunted back. I continued to bounce up and down on him as we reveled in our
ecstasy. I finally slowed my motion and
laid down on him. I kissed his chest
and he ran his hands through my hair.
“Wow.” He finally said.
“I know. Incredible.” I was still panting. We
laid there in silence, just enjoying each other. The peace was disturbed by the sound of his cell phone.
I jumped off Lance and
we looked for the phone. I began to
panic. I had not thought of Allie for
the past couple of hours and the guilt began to eat at me. Lance found it under a pile of clothes on
the floor.
“Yeah?” he said into it. “Hang on, Chris.” He
handed the phone to me.
“Chris?” I asked dreading the response.
“She’s coding,
Cindy. They’re working on her now. They kicked us out of the room. She was fine and then she wasn’t. You better
get here now.” He spat out quickly.
I dropped the phone and
started picking up my clothes. I was
hysterical. Tears were pouring out of
my eyes. Lance picked up the phone.
“Chris, you still
there?” he asked into it.
“Yeah, get her here
quick, Lance, it doesn’t look good.”
Lance hung up the phone and grabbed his clothes. By the time he got his pants and his shoes
on I was already in his truck blowing the horn at him.
“Come on, dammit! She needs me!” I yelled at him as he ran to the truck. “Do I need to drive?!” I
yelled again.
“Cindy, we’re gonna get
there in one piece, okay?!” He hollered
back at me. Then he took my hand and
squeezed it. We didn’t say anything
else on the trip to the hospital. I
cried and prayed. When we approached
the entrance I spoke.
“Drop me off at the
front, then you can park or whatever.”
“What do you mean,
whatever? You think I’m going to leave
you? I’m not leaving you. I will drop you off and meet you up there.” I nodded in agreement. I had the door open before he stopped the
car and was running into the hospital.
The elevator took forever. I
started to run for the stairs but the doors finally opened. It took years to get to the eleventh
floor. When the doors opened I ran to
her room. Chris stopped me at the
door.
“She’s okay now,
Cindy. Slow down. She’s out of danger for the moment. The doctor will be back in a few minutes to
talk to you.”
I pushed him away from
me and entered the room. Regina was
sitting next to her holding her hand.
She got up when she saw me. I gave
her a weak smile and she touched me softly on the arm as she walked by.
Oh, God, she looked
horrible. Her lips were so blue. Her skin so pale. I went to the bedside and grabbed her hand. I brought it to my lips and placed a kiss on
it.
“Allie? Can you hear me, angel? Momma’s here, baby. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you.” I could barely speak.
“She has not regained
consciousness since the code, Cindy.”
Dr. Williams told me as he entered the room.
“Will she ever?” I asked him.
“We don’t know. It’s getting worse, as I told you
before. Without a new heart…”
“I know, I know. She’ll die.
I can’t live without her, doctor.”
I sobbed deeply. He put a hand
on my shoulder. Lance entered the room
but I didn’t look up. He looked at Dr.
Williams for answers and he moved to speak to him outside the room.
“It’s not good. She is very weak and there is no sign of a
new heart in sight.”
“Dammit! Why is this happening?” It was Lance’s turn to cry. Chris put his arm around him and cried with
him. Finally he pulled himself together
and entered the room.
“You don’t have to be
here. I can’t deal with you right
now.” I said to him.
“Deal with me? I love her too. I only want to help.”
“Help?! You really helped this afternoon. You dragged me off against my will and look
what happened! She could’ve died today
while I was off with you!” I shouted at
him. He closed his eyes and inhaled
deeply. He turned and I thought he was
leaving. Instead he pulled up a chair
on the other side of Allie’s bed and and took her other small hand into his
large one. He kissed it and I saw a
tear slide down his cheek.
“Oh, God, Lance, I’m
sorry. This is not your fault.” I reached across Allie’s body to touch his
hand. He took my hand in his and
continued to hold Allie’s with his other hand.
We stayed that way for
hours, rotating between praying together and talking to her trying to get her
to wake up. Chris stayed too. He brought us coffee occasionally. I didn’t even want to get up to go to the
restroom, but I had to. Lance stayed
with us the whole time.
Lance had fallen asleep
an hour or so ago. I was beginning to
doze. It was around 2 a.m. I felt her stir and jumped up quickly.
“Allie? Can you hear me?” Lance woke up at the sound of my voice.
“She awake?” he asked groggily.
“She moved. I thought….maybe…” I shook my head.
“Mmmmommma?” I heard her say weakly.
“Momma’s right here,
baby girl.” I told her.
“Tired, Momma.”
“I know, baby.”
“Have good lunch with
Lance?” she smiled slightly.
“Yes I did. He’s here too. We’re both worried about you.”
She turned her head to look at him and he smiled at her.
“Love Lance Momma.” She said.
“I know you do
sweetie.”
“I love you too, angel.” Lance said to her.
“Take care of my Momma,
Lance. I’m gonna go now.” She whispered to him.
“No baby, you can’t
go. We’re gonna get you a new heart and
you’ll be good as new.”
“Momma, I don’t want a
new heart. I wanna go to heaven. I’m tired.
I can run and play up there and won’t be sick ever again.”
“Oh, Allie, no! I can’t be without you baby!”
“You’ve got Lance now,
Momma. He loves you. He’ll take care of you. Wish I could stay. He would’ve been a good daddy.
I love you, Momma. Always. And I’ll watch over you from heaven. Nana will be there with me. I can see her. I’ll be okay. When you
have my little brother, tell him about me, okay?”
“Little brother? What?
Allie?” She closed her eyes and
breathed her last breath. “ALLIE!!!
NOOOOO!” I screamed.
Dr. Williams and some
nurses ran into the room and pushed Lance and I out of the way. They listened for vital signs and there were
none. Dr. Williams looked at me and
shook his head.
“NOOOOOOOOOO! Oh, God, Nooooooooooo!” I fell to my knees and screamed. Lance tried to pick me up but I wouldn’t
move. He knelt beside me and held me
close to him.
I don’t remember much
after that. I think they gave me a
sedative. I woke to sunlight shining into
my bedroom window. I didn’t know how I
got there. I tried to sit but my head
was pounding. It felt like a huge
hangover. I heard someone in the
bathroom.
“Hello? Who’s in there?” I was a little frightened.
Lance walked out of the bathroom.
“Hey, you’re awake.”
“What is going on? Why can’t I remember anything after Allie,
Oh my God!” I tried to get up again but
Lance moved to sit beside me and hold me down.
“Let go of me!” I screamed at
him.
“No, I won’t. You need to calm down a bit or I’ll give you
another one of these sedatives. Dr.
Williams said you need to rest for a while.”
“Rest? Ha!
I’ll never be able to rest again.”
I slumped back onto the bed and crossed my arms. I began to cry. I looked up at his sad face and realized he wasn’t there to do
anything but take care of me. I wasn’t
used to that. He wasn’t looking at
me. He was looking down at his hands. I touched his arm causing him to look my
way.
“Lance, I…” He silenced me by placing his fingers on my
lips.
“I know, baby. You don’t have to apologize. Just know you can’t run me off….ever.” He leaned over and I pulled his head to my
chest. We both cried for Allie. I didn’t get out of bed at all that
day. I tried to ask Lance about Allie’s
arrangements but he wouldn’t let me talk about it. He said it had all been taken care of. He didn’t want me worrying about those things. I was very grateful for that. I knew I couldn’t have done it alone.
JC and Regina stopped by
with some food but I didn’t want to see them.
They understood. Lance talked
with them for a while then came back to bed with me. He simply held me all night long.
We slept all night and
half of the next day. There would be no
wake that night. We didn’t know too
many people in town so it really wasn’t necessary. There would be a short viewing the next morning before the
ceremony. That was all the information
I could get out of Lance. I knew he was
trying to protect me, but I needed to know what was going on. One thing I did know was that I wasn’t
ready. Not ready to say good-bye to my
angel.
Lance tried to get me
out of bed that afternoon but I just couldn’t.
He smiled sweetly at me and left me alone. I heard the TV on in the other room and he was on the phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Yeah, she won’t even
get out of the bed.” Lance told
Chris. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to
get her up tomorrow or not. What am I
gonna do, Chris?”
“Have you talked to
Regina? Maybe since she’s a woman she can
help her get ready in the morning. Does
she have something to wear?”
“Shit, I dunno. I better call Regina. I’ll talk to ya later. Thanks, man.”
“No prob, man, call me
if you need me.”
Lance dialed JC’s cell
phone. He figured it would be the best
way to find Regina.
“Talk to me.” JC answered.
“Jace, it’s Lance. Is Regina with you?”
“Yeah, man, is
everything okay?”
“Um, no, not
really. I need a woman’s help, I
think. Can I talk to her, please?”
“Hang on, dude.” JC motioned for Regina to come over to him.
“It’s Lance. He says he needs a woman’s help. He shrugged and handed her the phone.
“Lance? What’s going on?” Regina asked him.
“Cindy…she won’t get
up. I just left her in the bed but
Chris mentioned something for her to wear for the funeral tomorrow and I have
no idea what she has…” He sounded so
distraught it broke Regina’s heart.
“I’ll be right
over. If I don’t see anything good
enough I’ll go buy her something. It’ll
be okay. We’ll take care of everything. Did you get Allie’s clothes over to the
funeral home?”
“Yeah. I picked out a really pretty dress from her
closet. I hope Cindy’s okay with
it. I didn’t want her to have to deal
with it. You don’t think she’ll be mad
do you?”
“I don’t think so,
hon. You’ve been amazing. She knows that.” Regina comforted him.
“I hope so. And I hope she can snap out of this funk
soon. I’m really worried about her.”
“I know you are. It may take a while. Look, I need to come on over there so I’ll see
you in a few.”
“Thanks, Reg.”
“You’re more than
welcome, sweetie. Bye.”
“What’s up, babe?” JC asked her
“Lance isn’t sure if
Cindy has anything to wear. She won’t
really talk to him and won’t get up.
I’m gonna go look through her closet and go shopping if I need to. Wanna come?
You can stay with Lance if you don’t wanna shop.”
“Yeah, he probably needs
somebody to talk to. I’m so proud of
how well he’s handled all this. I don’t
think I could handle it.”
“You never know until it
happens to you.” She smiled at him and
kissed him softly. “Let’s go help them
out.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I heard the doorbell
ring, but I didn’t even open my eyes.
Voices were coming towards my room.
“Cindy.” I heard someone whisper. I opened one eye and saw Regina. I rolled over and pulled the covers up
around my head. “Cindy, honey, I just
need to see if you have something to wear tomorrow.”
“Oh, God.” I managed to squeak out. “I don’t have anything good enough.” Tears began to fall.
“It’s okay, it’s
okay. I’m going to get you
something. Um, what size, 7?” I barely nodded in agreement.
“Something beautiful,
Reg, please. My baby is worth the
best. Money is no object.”
“Absolutely what I was
thinking.” She smiled down at me and turned
to walk away.
“Reg?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for
everything.” She nodded and left the
room. I laid back down and cried
again.
I woke to Lance kissing
my cheek the next morning. I giggled a
little then realized I had not had a bath in a couple of days.
“Lance! Get off me, I’m so dirty! I need to shower!” I pushed on his chest to get him away from me.
“Good. Get up then!” He ordered me sweetly. I
pushed the covers off my body and stretched.
I knew what the day had in store for me, but I had to get up and put an
end to this. Lance held out a hand to
help me up. I stood slowly. I felt so weak. He hugged me to him softly.
He smelled so good.
“Ugh, shower.” I shuffled to the bathroom and closed the
door. I caught a glimpse of myself in
the mirror. “Oh my God.” I couldn’t even see me in the
reflection. I had lost some weight and
had dark circles under my eyes. “Gotta
do something about this…” I walked to
the tub and turned the water on. I let
it get really hot before stepping under the shower. It felt so good. I stood
under the spray, letting it beat down on my head and face for a while. I was on automatic pilot. I didn’t even remember washing my hair or
shaving my legs. The next thing I knew
I was drying off. There was a knock on
the door.
“Yeah?” I called out.
“You okay in there,
babe? You’ve been in there
forever.” Lance asked.
“I’m fine. I’m out now. I think I bathed. I was
kinda zoned out.” He opened the
bathroom door. I had a towel wrapped
around me but I felt a little uncomfortable with him there. We had been together that one time, but it
seemed strange. Everything was a little
surreal, like I was watching a movie, or some sort of dream. Oh, how I wish it was just a bad dream.
“You sure you’re gonna
be okay? I’m gonna fix us some
breakfast. Will you eat for me?” His eyes were tired and glassy.
“I’m not hungry.” I said as I combed out my wet hair.
“You haven’t eaten in
days.”
“I’m NOT hungry.” I stopped combing and stared at him through
the mirror.
“Okay.” He hung his head and turned to leave the
bathroom. “Just let me know if you GET
hungry.” And he was gone.
‘Shit. When is he going to leave me alone?’ I wondered.
I put on minimal makeup to cover the dark circles. I managed to fix my hair and it looked
pretty good. I walked into the bedroom
to see what I was supposed to wear.
There was a beautiful dress hanging on the closet door. ‘Thank you, Regina.’ I said in a
whisper. I sat on the edge of the bed
to put my hose on. I slipped the dress
over my head and let it fall into place.
I walked over to the mirror as I zipped it up.
“Wow.” Lance said from the doorway. I turned to smile at him. He had gotten dressed in the other room, I
guess. He was wearing a black suit with
a dark gray shirt and tie. He looked
amazing. I walked over to him and put
my arms around his neck. He bent his
head to kiss my cheek.
“Thank you for
everything, Lance. I know I haven’t
been saying it, but I really do need you.
You didn’t leave me.” My chin
started to quiver and he panicked.
“Hey, we need to get
going now. Where are your shoes?” He pulled away from me. I found the shoes and he grabbed my purse.
I think he was afraid to
speak to me on the way to the funeral home.
He didn’t want to see me cry yet.
It was going to be a long day.
When we got there, the funeral director ushered us to Allie’s viewing
room. Lance was holding my hand but as
he walked through the door, I let go and stopped. I could see the top of her head from the door. My legs wouldn’t move. He didn’t speak, he just stood there and
waited for me to regain my motor skills.
I hesitantly took a step forward, then another. Suddenly I was standing next to the coffin
staring at my beautiful angel.
“It’s lavender.” I whispered as I looked at the coffin. “Her favorite.” A lone tear slid down my cheek.
“I know.” He whispered. He stood behind me and had an arm around my waist.
“That was her favorite
dress, too. She thought she looked all
grown up in it.” I looked at her chest
and noticed a glimmer of gold. “NO!” I reached into the coffin and grabbed the
necklace she was wearing.
“Cindy?” Lance was confused.
I looked at the small
heart locket in my hand. “I gave her
this last year. I want to keep
it.” I sobbed deeply.
“Of course you can keep
it.” He stroked my hair and rested his
chin on my head.
“I want these to go with
her, though.” I dug around in my
purse. Finally I pulled out two
pictures. One was of me and her and the
other was her with all the guys that day they sang to her.
“When did you find
these?” he asked, puzzled.
“You weren’t with me the
whole time. And I haven’t completely
lost my mind yet.” I told him. I walked over to the coffin again and put
the pictures on the side by her head. I
kissed my fingertips and touched her lips with them. “Good-bye Momma’s little angel.
I will miss you.” I walked to
the other side of the room and sat down.
I think Lance said a little prayer over by the coffin, then moved to
speak to the director.
The guys showed up and a
few people from the hospital. I did my
best to make small talk with them. I
didn’t spend too much time with any one person to keep from breaking down
completely.
It was time for the
ceremony. Lance had set everything up
beautifully. It was a graveside
ceremony. The flowers were beautiful. The other four guys were pallbearers with
Lance walking behind them. When they
sat the casket down, they all faced it and began to sing “God Must Have
Spent…” I lost it. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place when
they finished. I don’t know how they
managed to sing, crying as hard as they were, but it sounded absolutely
heavenly. A few words were spoken by
each of them. I don’t really know what
anyone said. We ended with a prayer
led by the funeral director. As the
casket began lowering into it’s resting place, I fell to my knees beside
it. I reached out to touch it one last
time before it disappeared into the ground.
Lance kneeled beside me. I
thought he was going to try to move me, but he didn’t. He just stayed there with me, one arm around
my shoulders. I don’t know how long we
stayed like that. I don’t even remember
actually getting up. I do remember
being in the limousine heading back to the house.
Everyone was already
there. I didn’t acknowledge a single
one of them. I went straight to the
bedroom, removed my clothes, and climbed into the bed.
My daily routine was the
same. I stayed in bed, getting up only
to go to the bathroom. Occasionally I
would take a shower and eat a little something. Lance was away all day.
They were rehearsing for the tour.
The album would be released in a few weeks then the tour started. He would be gone. I could have the peace and quiet I had been longing for. Or had I?
I didn’t know what I was feeling anymore. Maybe I felt nothing.
Every night Lance would
come over, fix dinner, try to get me to eat, then give up and sleep on the couch. He tried to talk to me but I completely shut
him out. My boss had called and could
only hold my job for another week before he had to hire another realtor. Business was booming, he said.
I did find myself
getting bored with lying in the bed after a few weeks of it. I would get up and wander aimlessly around
the house. I couldn’t go into Allie’s
room. Lance had closed the door, I
assumed to keep me from seeing her things.
I definitely wasn’t ready for that yet.
I watched some daytime
TV and realized my life wasn’t so bad.
At least I wasn’t on Jerry Springer or Ricki Lake. Things could be worse. I laughed for the first time thinking of
Lance and the gang having me on one of those shows. “Grief-stricken. Your
friends want you back.” I actually
laughed hysterically at that. Maybe my
sense of humor was coming back. Who
knew?
I took a shower and went
outside for the first time in four weeks.
It was a cool October day. I
fixed myself some hot chocolate and sat on the patio. Birds were singing, chilly breeze blowing. The world had continued on despite my
absence from it. I inhaled deeply and
decided to re-enter the land of the living.
I called my boss and told him I’d be at work the next day if he would
still have me. He said I had been the
best when I was there so he was definitely willing to work with me. I explained I didn’t know what would happen
but I was ready to try.
I also realized that I
loved Lance. We had never said those
words to each other. I knew he had to
go on tour, but I didn’t want him to with things like this between us. We didn’t even know each other any
more. Strangers. I was afraid he was hanging around because
he thought he had to. He couldn’t
possibly still have feelings for me after the way I treated him and I didn’t
blame him at all. ‘I’m going to make it
right before he leaves.’ I told
myself.
I went to the kitchen
and looked around for something to fix for dinner. Tonight Lance wouldn’t have to cook or worry about me. I knew he would be exhausted from rehearsing
all day. I decided on spaghetti since
it was easy. I definitely wasn’t ready
for a huge meal. I would start the food
after I dressed and fixed myself up some.
I put on a thin purple sweater and short black skirt. I had lost so much weight it was almost too
big on me. I didn’t look great, but
100% better than that shell of me that laid in the bed for a month.
I was still touching up
my face when I heard the front door open.
Suddenly I was a bundle of nerves.
‘What am I doing?’ I asked
myself. ‘You’re getting your life
back!’ I answered. We’ll deal with
these voices later. I sat on the bed
but he never came into the room. I
decided to take charge of the situation.
I walked out of the bedroom and looked for him in the den. Nowhere.
I walked toward the kitchen and I saw him. He was leaning on his arm against the refrigerator looking at a
picture of us. It was stuck there with
a pizza shaped magnet. He didn’t see or
hear me. I just watched him. A solitary tear rolled down his face.
He walked away from me
toward the counter. He put both hands
on the counter and leaned into it with his head hanging down. I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms
around his stomach. He jumped but just
stood there. I rested my forehead on
his back.
We stayed like this in
silence for a minute or so. It seemed
like an eternity in the silence.
Finally I worked up the courage to speak. I took a deep breath and said,
“It’s too late, isn’t
it?”
“For what, Cindy?” He
asked me. His voice was hoarse from rehearsing all day.
“For us?” I whispered. Silence. I knew it. It was over. I squeezed him one last time and took a step back from him. He turned to look at me and his eyes widened
at my appearance.
“You’re dressed?” It was a half-statement, half-question.
“Yeah, I figured it was
time to get my lazy ass out of the bed.
There’s a world out here that I’d like to be a part of. I’m going back to work tomorrow.” He just looked at me. He was exhausted. From the stress of his job and the stress of me.
“Um, I was going to make
us some dinner tonight if you’d like to stay.
If you don’t want to be here, I completely understand. But I do want to thank you for everything
you have done for me. I owe you my
life.” He started to speak but I
stopped him. “I saw you looking at the
picture. I know we can never be happy
like that again. Too much has happened
and I am totally to blame. I would
understand if you don’t ever want to see my face again.” I turned away from him as tears welled up in
my eyes at the thought of never seeing him again, never touching him. “Look, I know you want to leave so…”
My eyes were closed but
flew open when I felt his hands on my face.
Tears were sliding down his cheeks.
He bent to kiss me and I tasted the saltiness of his tears. It was a
soft and tender kiss. I was shocked
then I figured…good-bye kiss.
“God, Cindy, I love you
so much.” He whispered. “I didn’t think you were ever going to come
back to me.” He kissed me again.
“Oh, God, you LOVE
me?” I asked him.
“Since the day I laid
eyes on you.” His lips met mine and
fire burned through me. I snaked my
arms around his waist and up his back.
“Baby, you don’t know how worried I’ve been. I didn’t know what to do.
I can’t concentrate. I think the
guys are ready to kick me out of the group because I can’t learn the choreography. I mean, you know I’m the one who can’t dance
anyway, but now it’s worse! Wade almost
kicked the shit outta me today.” He
chuckled and I smiled at the thought of Wade.
“He’s a slave driver to
be so young. Guess that’s why he’s so
good, huh?”
“That’s why we pay him
his ungodly fees.”
“Oh, not to change the subject
or anything, but, uh, I love you, too.”
We looked into each other’s bloodshot eyes and felt the connection
again.
“Are you sure? You’re not just saying that because I’ve
been taking care of you?”
“Yes, I’m sure,
Lance. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to live again. You are my life now. I didn’t think I had room for anyone else
but Allie when you showed up but you took what part of my heart didn’t belong
to her. You showed me how to love
again. I didn’t think it was possible and
I fought you all the way.”
“Yeah, you did.” He smirked at me.
I pulled his mouth down
to mine and kissed him softly. I licked
across his gorgeous lips and sucked the bottom one into my mouth. He moaned and I melted. I pulled myself away from him and tried to
catch my breath.
“Make love to me, Lance,
please.” I begged him. “I need you so badly.”
“I didn’t think this
could ever be again.” He
whispered. He tore his eyes away from
mine for a brief moment to look at the table.
The next thing I knew he had shoved everything off it and was lying me
down.
“Oh my goodness!” I panted.
“Are you in a hurry, baby?”
“Yep!” He grinned from ear to ear and I giggled at
him. He had already bunched my skirt up
around my waist and was running his hands up under my sweater. He planted soft kisses all over my stomach
as he slid my sweater over my head. My
bra followed quickly behind. When his
mouth finally made contact with my nipple it was almost more than I could
stand. I was writhing on the table
underneath him. He broke contact for a
second to remove his t-shirt. I loved
the feeling of our chests rubbing together as he kissed up my neck to my ear.
As he nibbled on my ear
he ran his thumb across my clit through my panties. I jumped and he growled into my ear. “Baby, there’s much more to come.” He hooked his fingers into the top of my panties and slid them
off. He licked his lips as he ran his
palm over my mound making sure not to touch my clit. He was driving me insane.
He bent down and planted a kiss on my small patch of hair. I sucked a breath in.
“Oh, shit!” I managed to say.
“Mmmmmm, this time I
WILL taste you.” He was looking into my
eyes when his mouth made it’s first contact with my clit. He sucked it quickly into his mouth and
rubbed his tongue back and forth across it.
“FUCK!” I screamed.
This only made him suck harder.
I was in complete erotic shock.
He pulled my thighs up onto his shoulders and lifted my hips with his
hands. I felt one finger then another
enter my dripping hole. All this
stimulation was almost too much to bear.
I ground myself into to his face and he moaned. That vibration sent me over the edge.
“Jesus Christ,
Lance!” I screamed as I came. He removed his fingers and replaced them with
his tongue. He lapped up the flowing
river he had created. My body was still
shaking when he began moving up my body.
He placed wet kisses all the way up, burning my flesh everywhere he
went. I sat up and practically tore his
jeans off him. I took his hardness in
my hands and stroked up and down. He
pulled my hands off him.
“Uh uh, I gotta be in
you now!” he growled as he slammed into
me.
“Oh, shit!” I panted as he pounded me.
“God damn, Cindy, you
feel so good.” He breathed in my ear.
“Mmmmmmmmmmm.” I moaned at the sensations he was giving
me.
“Shit, coming, too
fast.” He panted. But he couldn’t slow down. He erupted inside of me with a groan as he
bit down on my shoulder.
I licked up his sweaty
neck and hugged him tightly to me.
“Oh, my God.” He whispered when he was able to speak
again.
“I love you.” We said in unison causing us to giggle. He picked me up and carried me to the
bedroom.
Lance laid me gently on
the bed. He moved over me and lowered
himself onto my body. He covered my
entire face with soft kisses.
“UGH, I wanna be hard
again right this minute!” he
groaned.
“Baby, we’ve got all
night.”
“I know, but that time
was too fast. I want to enjoy you for
much, much longer.”
I rolled him over onto
his back and smiled down at him. “Maybe
I can do something to help you rise to the occasion.” I said with a smirk. I
kissed him then moved down his chin to his Adam’s apple. I stopped there for a moment to suck
it. He loved that. My tongue began to blaze a trail down his
body, pausing to nibble on each nipple before continuing my path downward. I circled his navel with my tongue then
dipped it gently inside. His stomach
sucked in at the feeling and I giggled.
“It tickles.” He laughed.
“Good.” I teased.
I ran my tongue down his
goody trail, then over to a hip bone. I
made sure not to touch his cock at all.
He was pushing it toward me but I was dodging it. It had become semi-hard from my
teasing. As I sucked on his hipI ran my
hand up his inner thigh and lightly grazed his balls.
“Shit, Cindy!” he spasmed.
I ran my fingers across his balls again and watched his cock jump
involuntarily. “Please…..” he panted.
“Please, what?” I was going to torture him as he did me
earlier.
“Please put your mouth
on me.” He looked like he was in severe
pain. I kissed the front of his thigh
and licked up the inside of it.
“Is that where you
wanted my mouth?” I looked up at him
and licked my lips.
“No! You know damn well, what I want!” He growled through clenched teeth. ‘Oooh, he was getting violent!’ I thought.
I cupped his balls in
one hand and grabbed his ever hardening cock with the other. I licked across his balls and his dick
became hard as a rock instantly.
“Cindy, you’re killing
me here.” He whined. I decided I had tortured him enough and
slowly ran my tongue up the length of his dick. He moaned loudly. When I
got to the head, I flicked my tongue over the opening and lapped up the wetness
there. Slowly I circled the head of his
cock with my tongue. He was going
insane and I was enjoying the view.
“Suck me!” He grabbed a handful of hair and pushed my
head down. I let him slide into my
mouth. He didn’t force me too hard. I began a quick pace, bobbing up and down on
him. I was jacking him off with my hand
while I sucked as hard as I could with my mouth. The dual sensation was driving him over the edge. His head was banging into the back of my
throat and I was so turned on. I
reached between my legs with my free hand and rubbed my clit. Suddenly he pulled me off him by my hair.
“What’s the matter,
baby?” I asked as I wiped my mouth.
“Come here!” he ordered.
I crawled toward him and he grabbed my hips and turned me away from
him. He pushed me down on all fours and
slammed into me from behind.
“Oh, shit!” I screamed as he pounded into me. I slammed my ass back into him, wanting him
to go faster and deeper. I had never
been fucked like this before. He was amazing. He hit every spot inside me. He ground his hips around in circles and was
plain fucking my brains out.
He slowed a little and
sat back on his heels. He pulled me
back into his lap and I continued to bounce on him. I moved my hand to my clit once again. I looked up and noticed I could see us in my dresser mirror. He noticed too and was watching me play with
myself. He moved a hand around to join
mine. I started to move my hand out of
the way but he held it there and pressed my fingers against my clit.
“Jesus, Lance!” He reached up to pinch a nipple with his
other hand and bit down on my neck.
With my free hand I grabbed the back of his head and held on tight. I ground my ass against him while we
continued to rub on me. I could feel
him tightening as my walls began to constrict around him.
“Fuck!” I screamed as I came all over his
shaft. My spasms were too much for him
and he came like a fucking freight train, yelling obscenities.
I slid off him. He pulled me into his arms and laid us
down. My whole body was still
quivering. It was all I could do to
move at all.
“You are amazing and I
love you.” He told me.
“I love you, too,
baby.” I kissed his chest lightly. I couldn’t move to reach his mouth. “I can’t believe I wasted four weeks when we
could’ve been doing that!”
“Baby, you didn’t waste
them, you needed that time and I understand.
Sure am glad you’re back though.”
“Me too, and I promise
not to go away like that again.”
“Good. I couldn’t take it if you left me.” He kissed the top of my head and we drifted
off to sleep. We never thought about
dinner again.
The next morning I woke
to the feeling of fingers moving slowly up and down my back. I was lying on my stomach and the sheets
were only covering my ass. I turned my
head the other direction and opened one eye.
Lance was on his side propped up with one arm. The other continued to make patterns across my skin. He grinned at me.
“Mmmmmmmmmmorning.” I sighed and stretched.
“Good morning,
beautiful.” He said back to me in his
raspy morning voice.
“I slept so good. Haven’t slept so good in a long time.” I rolled onto my side to face him and ran my
hand down his chest.
“Me too. Guess we exhausted each other, huh?” I giggled.
“I guess so. Can we do that every night? I need that good sleep that comes
afterwards.” I snuggled closer to him.
“Is that the only reason
you wanna do what we did last night?”
“Yep.” I couldn’t say it with a straight face. I burst out laughing. “Baby, couldn’t you tell how much I enjoyed
myself?”
“Just making sure.” He smiled and kissed my forehead.
“Oh, shit! What time is it?” I sat up quickly and looked at the clock. “Thank God, it’s only 6:30. Whew, can’t be late my first day back to
work.”
“Awwwwwww, don’t you
wanna stay in bed ONE more day?” he
grabbed me and pulled me back into his arms.
“I’d love to, but duty
calls. You’ve gotta go dance some more dontcha?”
“Ewww, yeah. Gonna get my butt chewed by Wade again.”
“Maybe not. You won’t have to worry about me today so
you can concentrate on your job.”
“That’s true, but now I
have to spend all day away from you wishing I was right here making love to you
over and over and over again.”
“Gee, thanks! Now how am I supposed to concentrate on
selling houses with that vizzy in my head?!”
I pulled away from him and ran to the bathroom.
When I got out of the
shower I could smell bacon. ‘He cooked
breakfast. How wonderful is this man?’
We ate quickly and I
finished getting ready for work.
Everyone was really glad to see me.
It definitely felt good to be back among the living. I showed a couple of houses that morning
then went to lunch with Regina. I had
called her to let her know I was alive again.
Since she didn’t go to work until 3:30 she asked if we could do lunch.
“So, what happened to
snap you out of it? Anything in
particular?” She asked me as we sat in
the café.
“Well, I don’t really
know. It was probably Lance. I guess in a roundabout way. They’ll be leaving soon, as you well
know. I just realized if I didn’t talk
to him and snap out of my funk he’d be gone and realize he never wanted to come
back to this.” I pointed at
myself.
“He loves you.” She said.
“I know. He told me!” I grinned widely and she yelled.
“Oh my God! Really?!
When did this happen?!?!” I’ve
never heard her voice pitched that high before so I laughed at her.
“Last night. I was going to tell him he could leave, that
I was okay now and he didn’t need to hang around and take care of me. He spilled all his feelings out and told me
he loved me.”
“And….” She leaned toward me over the table and
awaited my answer.
“And what?” I wiggled my eyebrows.
“UGH!”
“Okay okay, and we had
marathon sex!”
“Woohoo!” She yelled.
People at the tables nearby looked at us and we just laughed. “Was that the first time?”
“No, we did it the first
time the night Allie died.” I lowered
my eyes to the table.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I can’t believe
this is the first time I have thought of her today. What does that mean? How
could I forget her so fast?” I frowned.
“You haven’t forgotten
her, Cindy. You just have your life
back. You grieved a long time all alone
for her. Now you can grieve with your
friends. But you don’t have to live the
rest of your life grieving for her.
She’ll always be with you.” She
took my hand and squeezed it.
“You’re right. I’m not the first person to lose a child and
I won’t be the last. I’m gonna get
through it. Thank you for being
here.” She smiled at me. The waitress brought our food and we made
small talk while we ate.
“Soooo, what’s up with
you and JC?” I asked her.
“Oh, he’s so wonderful!” Her face lit up when she spoke of him.
“Yeah?” I teased her.
“Yep. And he told me he loved me a couple of days
ago.”
“Really!?!? We are some lucky bitches, you know that
don’t you?”
“Uh huh. I love him so much. And the best thing is, we haven’t even had
sex yet.”
“Damn, what’s so great
about that?” I chuckled. “I’m just kidding, but seriously, ya’ll
haven’t?”
“No. I’ve never done it. I’m still a little scared. I know I won’t be able to wait until I get married
because I want him so bad already, but I’m a little scared.”
“I understand. So you’re glad he loves you without the sex,
right?”
“Right. I know it’s not just about sex with us. We can just sit and talk and it’s so
wonderful.”
“Just wait until you can
have hot, wild sex, then sit and talk afterwards. Now that’s the best!”
“Okay, you’re not making
this any easier on me!” We laughed and
decided we needed cheesecake to celebrate the new turn our lives had taken.
“Afternoon
everybody.” Lance called out as he
entered the rehearsal studio. He had a
huge stupid grin on his face and everyone looked at each other in wonder.
“What up wit you?” Justin asked.
“Nuthin’.” Lance just grinned.
“Somethin’s up, dude,
cuz you haven’t been happy in weeks, since, well since you know.” JC said.
“I know, but it’s all
good now!” He chuckled and they all
started smiling.
“Cindy snapped out if it
didn’t she?” Chris asked as he walked
up to join them.
“Yep!” All he could do was grin.
“Shit! Now we gotta deal with this stupid face all
day.” Joey said. “She must be good!”
“Don’t talk about her
like that, Joe!” Lance frowned at him.
“Oh, great move Joseph,
piss him off why don’t ya?” JC scolded.
“Sorry, man, didn’t mean
anything by it.”
“I love her, ya’ll. And she loves me. I hope this is gonna work out now. Last night was amazing…this morning was amazing…”
“Lalalalalalala. I don’t wanna know about it!” JC covered his ears as he walked away. Wade walked into the studio.
“Let’s go ladies!” He yelled to them. Lance jogged over to him.
“Wade, listen, sorry I
haven’t been paying attention and working hard lately. I promise today I’m back to my old self.”
“Look, I’m sorry I rode
you so hard. The guys told me what’s
been going on. So things are better?”
“Yep. 100% better! Let’s do this!” He jogged
back over to his place with the guys and the music started.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After lunch I went to
meet some people at a house. We were wandering
through the huge place and I started feeling dizzy. I shook my head and figured it was just from being up walking
around for the first time in a long time.
The feeling got worse and I told them to wander around and I’d be right
back. The house was occupied so the
utilities were on. I went to the
bathroom and splashed some water on my face.
I sat down on the edge of the garden tub and rested my head in my hands. The dizziness seemed to fade a little and I
heard them coming toward the bathroom.
I stood up right as they
walked into the large bathroom. When I
did, everything went black.
When I came to I was in
a hospital bed. I was scared shitless
as I looked around for the nurse call button.
I finally found it and pressed it repeatedly.
“Oh, you’re awake.” The nurse said as she entered the room. She began checking my vitals.
“What happened to
me? I was showing a house and got
dizzy. That’s all I remember.”
“You fainted and didn’t
wake back up so the couple called 911.
They’re still here waiting to see if you’re okay.”
“They are?” I was surprised. “Tell them I’m okay. They
don’t have to stay here.”
“Will do. They also called your office and told them
what happened.”
“Great. Now I’m really gonna lose my job.” I rolled my eyes and threw my hands up.
“The doctor will be here
in a few minutes to speak with you.”
“Why? What’s wrong with me?” A huge knot formed in my stomach.
“He’ll discuss it all
with you.” With that she walked out of
the room.
“Oh, God, this can’t be
good. What have I done to myself?” I said aloud. Before I could get too worked up the doctor came in.
“Hi, Dr. Williams.” I said to him. “What’s wrong with me?”
Tears began to form in my eyes.
“Hello, Cindy. Don’t cry.
I don’t think this is that bad.”
He smiled down at me. “You
fainted today because you’re pregnant.”
“I’m what?!?! You’ve got to be kidding! I can’t be pregnant!” The tears now rolled down my cheeks.
“Well, you are, about
four weeks from what I can tell. The
fainting was just from exhaustion, probably.
Everything with the baby is fine.
We did an ultrasound while you were still unconscious and all looked
good.”
“Exhaustion? I’ve been in bed for four weeks. Today was my first day back at work since
Allie died.”
“That’s probably why
then. You did too much today.”
“I can’t have this
baby!”
“Cindy, I know you’re in
shock, but think about this for a little while.”
“You know what I went
through with Allie. What if something
is wrong with this baby too? I can’t
live through that again.”
“There’s only a 50/50
chance Allie’s problems came from your genes.”
“Well, that’s 50% too
much!”
“Hold on for a few
weeks. We can check for this kind of
abnormality with fetal testing. It’s a
little too early yet, but you need to just hold off on any major decisions,
okay?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head.
“What about the baby’s
father?”
“What about…Oh God! He doesn’t need this in his life! You know who he is.”
“Lance?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“He loves you, I could
tell four weeks ago. Is he still
around?”
“He was until this
happened. I don’t know if he will be
now. Can I be alone for a while?”
“Sure. Can we call anyone for you?”
“No, thank you.” I rolled onto my side facing away from the
door and I heard him leave the room.
I cried into my pillow
wondering why God continued to torture me.
I must have dozed
off. I woke with a start and saw Lance
sitting next to the bed holding my hand.
“How did you find
me?” I asked.
“The nurse recognized
you and called Regina. Why didn’t YOU
call me?” He looked so upset and hurt.
“I didn’t want anyone
here.”
“Not even me?”
“Especially you. I turned to my other side, away from him.”
“Why?”
“Please, just
leave. You don’t need to be involved
with me. It’s jinxed. We are jinxed.” The tears began to flow again.
He shoved the chair back and walked to the other side of the bed.
“What are you talking
about? You’re not getting rid of
me. How many fucking times to I have to
tell you that?!” I’d never seen this
look he had on his face.
“Trust me, you don’t
wanna know.” I rolled onto my back and
stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t look
at him.
“Don’t you clam up on me
again.” He grabbed me by the shoulders
and shook me. “Look at me!” he screamed. “What is going on?! Tell
me NOW, dammit!”
I started to cry and his
face fell. “God, I’m sorry, but I can’t
let you do this again. I love you so
much. Whatever it is, we’ll get through
it.”
“I’m pregnant,
Lance.” I whispered.
“What, you’re
pregnant? Is that what you just
said?” I could hardly hear him he
whispered so softly.
“Yes, four weeks, which
means…”
“That first night?” I nodded.
“Oh, God, I thought you were going to tell me you were sick or
something. This is wonderful! Wait, why are you so upset? You don’t want this?” He stood up and took a step back from me.
“Lance, I just lost my
child. What if this baby has the same
problem? I’m terrified of losing
another baby. I can’t take it. I don’t want to have this baby.”
“It’s my baby, too. What about me? Do I get a say in this at all?”
His sad eyes burned into my soul.
“You don’t need this in
your life right now. You’ve got things
to do, you’ll never be home. You’re
young, you’ll meet someone wonderful without all this baggage who wants to give
you lots of children…”
“I don’t want someone
else’s children. I want you and our
child!”
“Lance..”
“Stop it, Cindy! I’m not fucking hearing this!” He ran his hands through his hair and walked
to the window.
“Lance?” He turned to face me and he was red as a
beet. “Just listen to me.” He unclenched his jaw and waited for me to
continue.
“You really want to have
this baby with me?” I couldn’t look at
him. I stared at my hands. He was silent for a few seconds and I
figured he was through with me. He
stepped back to the bed.
“Marry me.”
“Whaaaat?” I looked up at him.
“Marry me.” He repeated. “I love you. I love this
baby.” He placed his hand on my
stomach. The tears began again. “I don’t know why you don’t believe me when
I say I’m not leaving you. You’ll have
to tell me to go and then you’ll have to tell me again and again and
again. I won’t leave without a fight.”
“You want to marry
me? I’m a freak! I’m way too emotional, I’m way too
depressing. Why do you want to marry
me?” I just couldn’t understand him.
“Hello? I love you, crazy woman! I know you have issues Look at the life I lead. It’s insane. . Hell, everybody has
issues. I’ve dated many that were
nuttier than you. You’re the sanest
person I know.”
”Shit, Lance, that’s kinda frightening.”
I giggled at him. He crawled
onto the bed and laid beside me.
“Yeah, it is. I can’t see myself with anyone but you for
the rest of my life. Since the day I
met you I’ve wanted you. No matter what
happens with this child, or our next child, or the next, I’ll love you. I want this baby. I understand completely what you’re feeling. Did the doctor say anything about it?
“He told me not to make
any rash decisions this early in the pregnancy. He said they could check for that type of defect in a few weeks
with fetal tests.”
”Well there ya go. We’ll wait and see
what happens. But you know what? I know everything is going to be fine.”
“How do you know?” I touched his beautiful face.
“I have faith that God
brought us together through a crisis and now he’s going to give us the
happiness we’ve been waiting so long for.”
“Wow.” I smiled and kissed him. He hugged me to him and I sighed
deeply. “I wish I had an ounce of your
faith.”
“I have enough for both
of us. God has been very good to
me. You’ll see.” He was so confident. I almost believed it would be so just
because he said it.
“I do love you, Lance. I just don’t want you to be saddled with a
kid you don’t want. I don’t want to do
anything to hurt you or your career.”
“I’d give it all up
today for you and this baby. Fuck
everybody if they don’t like it.” I
pulled away from him to look at him. He
was smiling.
“You would, wouldn’t
you?” I said in disbelief.
“Yep. Anything for you, baby.”
“Let’s not tell anyone
about the baby, okay? Not until we have
the tests. I still have issues with
it. I do want to have your baby, but
I’m so scared.”
“Everything will work
out, I promise. So, when are you
getting out of here?”
“Uh, I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I was so upset earlier.”
Just then the door opened and it was Dr. Williams.
“Aaah, Lance, I see you
found her. And she looks much better
now.” He smiled down at us. Lance made no move to get out of my
bed.
“I am. We’re going to wait and have the tests done
you mentioned before we decide anything.”
“Good.”
“And we’re getting
married.” Lance threw in. I looked at him. “Well, we are!”
“That’s wonderful. I’m happy for you both.”
“When can she come
home?”
“Oh, that’s why I came
in here. You can check out first thing
in the morning if you feel up to it.
The baby is fine and your vital signs are fine. You just need to eat right and take care of
yourself. Lance, I expect you to help
her with that.”
“You got it! I’ve gotten good at cooking for you every
night.” I could tell he was enjoying
the thought of watching over me.
“I’ll see you in the morning
before you check out.” Dr. Williams
said.
“Thanks, doc, for
everything.” I told him.
“It’s my job! Night.”
We were alone again. Lance put
his hand on my stomach again.
“I love
you….always.” He kissed me so sweetly I
thought I’d melt. He stayed in the tiny
bed with me all night.
After seeing the doctor
again in the morning, we went home. I
called in to work and told them I’d be back on Monday for sure. This gave me a four day weekend to ease
myself back in to a daily routine.
I decided to use my days
off productively. I went on a serious
cleaning spree. My house was a disaster
area. I’m not much on housework anyway
and since Allie had been sick I didn’t do much. I was always at the hospital.
Dust was an inch thick in most places.
I took down curtains, cleaned the carpets, everything. ‘It’s a little early to be nesting.’ I
thought to myself as I worked up a sweat.
I had cleaned the entire house and was beat. The only room I didn’t go into was Allie’s. I couldn’t even touch the door knob.
I stopped to take a
shower before Lance came home. He was
practically living at my house. He
would stop by his place to pick up clothes for the next day and come over. I had started a roast earlier. I hoped it would turn out okay. I used to be a really good cook but did you
lose it without practice? Lance didn’t
get to eat home cooked meals much, only when he went home to his mother’s. Oh, God, his mother. I’m gonna have to meet her eventually. She’s going to hate that I’m so much older
than him.
“Now I have anxiety!” I
thought out loud. He respects and loves
her so much. I sure hope I can live
up. “Well, I’ll think about that tomorrow.”
I did my best Scarlett O’Hara impression.
I was from Alabama after all. I
fixed our salads and got the bread ready.
I heard the back door open.
“Honey, I’m home!” he called out. I giggled in the kitchen and he followed the sound until he found
me. “Are you laughing at me?” He walked up to me and kissed me
sweetly.
“Mmmmmmmmm. Yes I was, and if you’re going to kiss me
like that every time I laugh at you, expect lots of laughter outta me!” I countered.
“Fine, laugh it up. I don’t care. But I’m definitely gonna keep kissin’ you like that.” He moved in for another kiss, deeper this
time. I wrapped my arms around his neck
and pulled him closer to me. He broke
the kiss and pulled me into a hug. He
nuzzled his face in my neck and I giggled again. “I missed you.”
“Missed you more.” I said back. He started kissing my neck and my knees buckled. “Stop it, ooooh, that just makes me
crazy!”
“Woohoo! Found your spot, huh?” He grinned.
“Well, one of them. You’ll just have to keep hunting for the
others.” I gave him a sexy smirk and
turned around to the stove.
“Hey, where you going?”
He grabbed my waist and pulled my back to his chest.
“I’m cooking here, do
you mind?”
“Wow!” He looked into the oven and saw the
roast. “Damn, that looks good!”
“I hope it’s good. I haven’t cooked one in a long time. I used to be good at this.”
“Baby, I haven’t found
anything yet that you’re NOT good at.”
He wiggled his eyebrows at me.
“Mr. Bass, you’re such a
sex fiend, but I love it. Don’t ever
change. But you are gonna have to back
off so I can get this out of the oven.”
I bent over and he slapped me on the ass. “Hey?!”
“Couldn’t resist.” He laughed.
“I’m gonna go watch the news ‘til it’s ready.”
“Shouldn’t be
long.” I called to him. I heard the TV turn on.
“Hey?” He was back at the kitchen door.
“Hmmmm?”
“You cleaned?”
“Your point being?” I put my hands on my hips and glared at him.
“Shouldn’t you be
resting a little bit after what happened yesterday?”
“I had so much energy
today it was unreal. I cleaned the
whole house, well most of the house.”
“Still can’t bring
yourself to go in there, huh?”
“Nope.”
“Whenever you want to
try I’ll be there with you if you’d like.”
“Thanks, baby. Maybe we can do it together.” I smiled weakly and gathered things to set
the table.
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Dinner came out
wonderfully. I lit candles and we ate
in the dining room. It was very
romantic.
“Damn, Cindy, this roast
was as good as Mom’s!” Lance said.
“Wow! I’m sure that’s a major accomplishment.”
“It is. She’s a great cook. I can’t wait for you to meet her, and the
rest of my family.” He had the biggest
grin on his face but my face fell. “What?”
“What if she doesn’t
approve of me? Here I go, whining
again. But the age difference…”
“So. Wait, I don’t even know how old you
are.”
“Shit, what if YOU don’t
approve.” I teased him. “I’m scared to tell you!”
“How old are you? 28…30…”
he guessed.
“Um…higher.”
“Really? 31?”
I shook my head no. “32?”
“Just gets worse and
worse doesn’t it?” I frowned.
“Tell me, baby. I don’t care.” He seemed worried to me.
“I’m 35, okay. 35.”
I looked up at him in fear. He
was grinning. “What?”
“I gots me a hottie
older woman, don’t I?” I looked around
the room.
“Uh, I thought Justin
was here for a minute.” We both cracked
up. “You really don’t care?”
“Baby, I wouldn’t care
if you were 50. I love you. You’re perfect for me.”
“Cool!” I said.
“And see, you’re a hip
old lady cuz you still say stuff like ‘cool’.”
I threw a crouton at him.
“I’m just teasing
you! You waited a long time to have
Allie didn’t you?”
“Yeah, we tried for
years. I thought I wasn’t going to be
able to have children at all. I did the
whole fertility thing. I was 28 when I
had her. I’m a little scared being this
old having another baby.”
“Women are having babies
in their fifties now.” He told me.
“I know, but those
people are crazy! It’s bad enough I’ll
be 58 when this one gets out of high school.
I’ll be the oldest mother.”
“But you’ll be the coolest!” This time he threw a crouton at me.
“Yeah, and I’ll have the
hottest husband!” He got quiet and
looked at me. “What?”
“Is that a ‘yes’?” He asked.
“’Yes’ to what?” I was confused.
“You never said you’d
marry me last night.”
“Oh! Of course I will! I’m such an idiot! I’m so
sorry I never gave you an answer. I was
a little freaked out last night, but I’ve always wanted to marry you.” He got out of his chair and kneeled beside
me.
“I went shopping
today.” He was digging something out of
his pants pocket. He pulled out a small
velvet box and my heart skipped a beat.
“Sorry I didn’t have this when I asked you. It was kinda sudden.”
“If you didn’t mean it
you can take it back, you know?” I gave
him one last chance to get out of it.
“No way! I just meant that last night I knew I had to
ask, even though it wasn’t the perfect time or place or anything.”
“It was perfect to
me.” I smiled down at him.
“Now I’m going to do it
right.” He cleared his throat and
looked so nervous. He already knew my
answer. “Cindy, I’ve told you before, I
loved you the moment I laid eyes on you, all tousled from sleeping in the
hospital. You are everything perfect to
me and I want you to be my wife. Will
you marry me?” I saw tears rim his eyes
in the candlelight.
“Lance, nothing would
make me happier in this whole world than to be your wife. I love you so much. You stayed when no one else was around. I want you to always be here for me to turn. I have had it rough and tend to push people
away. You know that first hand.” He nodded.
“But I promise to TRY not to do that to you ever again. I think I’m feeling a little of the faith I
had lost returning to me. God brought
you to me and I don’t intend to lose you…ever.”
Lance opened the ring
box and I gasped. It sparkled in the
candlelight. The solitaire in the
center was oval and had to be at least four carats. It was huge! I didn’t
think I could carry that around on my hand!
There were smaller diamonds all around the band and the matching wedding
band.
“Lance, it’s
breathtaking! But it must’ve cost a
fortune. I don’t need anything this
elaborate. I know you love me.”
“I know. I looked at so many but when I saw this one,
I knew it was the one. Just like I knew
you were the one.” He took it out of
the box and slid it onto my finger.
“Well, I love it, and I
love you.” I cupped his face in my
hands and kissed him with everything I had in me. He pulled me out of my chair and down to my knees with him. The kisses became more and more
passionate. I managed to speak, “What
about dessert?”
“Thought I was having
dessert.” He said into my neck making
chills run up my spine. He sure wasn’t
hard to give in to. We were about to
christen my dining room when his cell phone rang. “Dammit!” He got up to
find his phone. “What?!” I heard him answer. “Sorry, Jace, just a little busy right
now.” I got up from the floor and
started cleaning off the table. “Why
tonight? Haven’t we done enough press
for one week? Shit, okay. I’ll be there.”
He walked into the
kitchen. I was rinsing the dishes
off. He walked up behind me and kissed
my neck.
“OH!” I jumped and almost dropped a plate.
“Sorry, babe. Listen, damn Jive planned a last minute
press thing for the new album tonight.
They just called JC and told him to call everyone. I have to go down to the Hilton.”
“Okay, no problem.” I turned to face him. “I have to get used to your job sometime,
right?” He pressed his forehead to mine
and sighed deeply.
“See, you’re perfect for
me. I promise I won’t be too late and
we’ll finish that ‘dessert’.”
“I’ll be waiting.” He kissed me quickly and was gone.
I finished cleaning up
the kitchen and wandered into the den.
I knew what I needed to do. I
took a deep breath and walked down the hall.
I stopped in front of her bedroom door.
I willed my brain to make my hand turn the doorknob. It took a few seconds, but finally the door
opened. I reached in to turn on the
light.
The pink walls glowed
brightly. All of her things were in
their place. I don’t remember leaving
it like this. ‘I wonder if Lance picked
up the mess?’ I thought to myself. I walked over to her shelf full of
dolls. I ran my hand across their
beautiful clothes, satin, lace, velvet.
I knocked one over and grabbed it quickly before it fell to the
floor.
“Shit!” I said out loud.
I walked around the rest
of the room looking at everything. I
had not noticed the tears that were running down my face. When I got to her bed I sat down on the edge
of it. Her favorite teddy bear was
lying on the pillow. I took it in my
arms and breathed in deeply. I could
still smell her on it. I let the grief
overtake me and curled up into the fetal position clutching the bear.
“I miss you so much,
baby.” I whispered to her. I cried myself to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regina awoke with a
start when she heard a noise. She hoped
it was JC so she laid still to
see. The bedroom door creaked open and
he tip-toed in, trying to be quiet.
“Hey.” She whispered.
“Shit, Reg! You scared the hell outta me!” he jumped onto the bed and snuggled up to
her. “I figured you’d be asleep.”
“Well I was ‘til you
made so much noise coming into the house.
Lucky I don’t have a gun or you might be dead right now.” She kissed him sweetly. He rolled over to get off the bed. “Where you goin’?”
“To get ready for
bed. I’ll be right back.” He wandered into the bathroom.
“You can do this Regina,
you can do this.” She chanted to
herself.
“Did you say
something?” JC stuck his head out of
the bathroom.
“Um, no.” she answered quickly.
“Thought I heard
something…” He brushed his teeth then
turned off the light and got into the bed.
He snuggled up to her and kissed her on the cheek. “Baby?
Something wrong?” He asked her,
a look of concern washing over his face.
“Yes….well….no….I
mean….yes…” she sputtered.
“What is it baby? Are you sick? What can I do?” He was
really worried now.
“What can you do?” He nodded.
“Um, you can make love to me…”
She couldn’t look him in the eye.
Her face flushed bright red but he couldn’t see it in the dark.
“Are you sure? I told you I can wait forever for you. I love you.” He caressed her face.
“I’m sure. I love you, too and I want to know what it
feels like to be loved completely.” He
bent over her and claimed her mouth with his.
The kiss overwhelmed her. She
almost forgot to breathe. His tongue
touched every part of her mouth. He ran
his hand over her satin-covered nipple and felt it harden to his touch. He slid the spaghetti strap of her gown
off her shoulder as his tongue traced a
pattern over it. She shuddered and he
looked up at her. There was a little
bit of light coming from outside. He
could see the fear in her eyes.
“Baby? I’ll try not to hurt you too bad. I swear.
Anytime you want me to stop, just say so. I won’t be upset. We
don’t have to do this.”
“I know, just keep doing
what you’re doing, it feels wonderful.”
She said breathlessly.
He pulled her gown up
over her head and slid the sheet to her waist. Regina was very well-endowed and he licked his lips
unconsciously when her breasts were uncovered.
She grinned at him and he took one bud into his mouth and sucked
gently. The feeling of his tongue on
her was pure ecstasy.
“Mmmmmmmmm, Jace.” She moaned and tangled her fingers in his
hair. He moved to give the other nipple
equal time. She felt herself getting
wetter by the second. She threw a leg
over his and ground herself into his thigh.
“Baby wants more?” he said huskily. She nodded. He slid his
fingers into the sides of her panties and tugged on them. She wiggled around until he got them
off. “You are so gorgeous,
Regina.” He licked small circles around
her ribs, navel, and hipbone.
“Jace, please…” she
breathed. He lifted her leg and moved
between them. His tongue moved on the
inside of her thigh causing her to writhe under him. His breath hit her clit before he touched it and she moaned. When his tongue ran up her slit she cried
out, “Holy Mary, mother of God!” JC
took that as a good sign and sucked her nub into his mouth. “Jesus!”
She yelled.
“Baby, stop calling the
Lord, will ya? I don’t really think he
needs to be here right now.” He teased
her.
“Shut up and get back to
business!” She grabbed him by the hair
and pushed his face back into her. He
began to stroke her opening with his finger, swirling it around. He slid first one finger, then another into
her. “Mmmmmmmmm.” She ground herself onto them. He added another finger hoping to stretch
her enough to keep from hurting her later.
“JC, oh my God!” She cried as
her orgasm began. He felt her clamp
down around his fingers. He quickly removed his boxers and moved up
next to her.
“You okay, baby?” he kissed her gently.
“I’m better than
okay. That was incredible! Tell me it only gets better from here?” She still looked a little scared.
“I can’t promise it won’t
hurt, but hopefully it’ll only be for a second.”
“I love you, JC. Take me now.” She told him. He moved
over her and pulled her knees up beside his hips.
“This will make it
easier.” He said. He took his erection, which looked huge to
her, into his hand. He began to rub it
up and down her slick slit. He placed
the head at her opening and looked into her eyes. “Here we go. Remember,
stop me at any time, okay? I love
you.” She nodded up at him and he bent
to kiss her as he pushed the head into her.
She tensed and he stopped.
“No, it’s okay, go
ahead, baby.” She slid her hands over
his ass and lightly pushed him into her.
“Mmm.” She grunted. It hurt, but not so bad. He was completely inside her now but he
didn’t move. “Jace, baby, I’m okay,
please move. I need you to move.”
He began a very slow
rhythm and she moved with him. The
feeling was amazing and she couldn’t believe it didn’t hurt more. ‘This is what I was so scared of?’ she
thought.
“You feel so good,
Reg.” He whispered into her ear before
biting down on her neck.
“I want you deeper in
me, go deeper baby.” She growled. He grinned down at her forwardness. He grabbed one leg and placed it up on his
shoulder. He began to grind into her,
pushing her deeper into the bed. He
also picked up the pace and she grunted every time he slammed into her.
“Holy fucking shit,
JC!” she screamed as another orgasm
washed over her. He couldn’t hold out
any longer with her screaming his name like that.
“Oh, shit, Regina! God damn!”
He groaned as he spurted his juices deep into her. He continued to slam into her as he emptied
himself.
Their sweaty bodies laid
intertwined with one another. He didn’t
move from inside her.
“I can’t believe I
waited so long to do that.” She kissed
his forehead tasting his saltiness.
“I’m glad you did. It wouldn’t have been me otherwise.” He lifted his head to look at her. “I love you, Regina.”
“I love you, JC.” She kissed him with all the love she had in
her heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lance got home and
wandered down the dark hallway. He saw
a light on and couldn’t believe it was coming from Allie’s room. He got to the doorway and saw me sleeping on
her bed hugging a teddy bear. He
grabbed her quilt and threw it over me.
“I love you,
Cindy.” He whispered as he kissed my
cheek. He went down the hall to my room
and went to bed.
I was in a forest. It was dark. I was running toward a baby crying. I couldn’t find it. It
just kept crying and I was frantic, looking everywhere. Then I thought I heard Lance calling
me.
“Lance, help me find the
baby!” I screamed. I can’t find him. Something’s wrong, where is he?!”
“Cindy, wake up! Wake up, baby, you’re having a bad dream.”
“No, Lance, I’m not
sleeping, where’s the baby?! I’ve lost
the baby!! Oh, God!” I shrieked.
“Cindy!” he shook me until my eyes flew open. He kept shaking me.
“Stop shaking me! I’m awake!”
I said to him.
“I’m sorry baby.” He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me
back and forth, running his hand through my hair.
“I’ll be okay. It just seemed so real.”
“What was it about? You kept saying something about a baby, you
couldn’t find the baby.”
“Our baby was crying and
I couldn’t find him. I was in the woods
running around in the dark but I couldn’t get to him.”
“Him?”
“Yeah. It’s a boy.”
“How do you know
that?” He pulled away from me and
looked at me. He was definitely puzzled.
“I just know. It’s weird.
I knew Allie was a girl. I guess
a woman just knows.” Just then I
realized where I was. I looked around
the room.
“I was surprised to find
you in here when I came home.” He
brushed a stray lock of hair off my face.
“You left me in
here?” I turned to look at him.
“I found you sleeping
peacefully, hugging this teddy bear” he
picked up the bear, “and I couldn’t bring myself to wake you. You were actually smiling in your sleep. I just covered you up and went to bed.” He smiled.
“I did pretty good, coming
in here like this. I was afraid but I
did it.” I smiled at him. “I’m sorry I fell asleep. I tried to wait up for you, I really
did. I wanted to finish what we
started.” I turned to lean back against
his chest. He wrapped his arms around
me and leaned against the wall behind the twin bed.
“We’ve got plenty of
time for that. I just want to hold
you.” He kissed the top of my head.
“What time is it
anyway?” I asked him.
“Um,” he turned his wrist around to look at his
watch but couldn’t see it. I grabbed it
and pointed it toward the light.
“4:15, UGH!” I leaned back into him.
“Shall we go to bed,
milady?” he faked a British accent.
“Why thank you, kind
sir, I would be most happy to go to bed with you.” I answered back. We giggled
and I pulled him off the bed. He bent
to kiss me when he stood up. I loved
the way he kissed me, so full of passion every time, no matter how big or small
the kiss. “I love you.” I told him between kisses.
“I know.” He said back. “Don’t ever stop, okay? I
need you so much.”
“And we need you.”
“We. I like the sound of that. Does that mean you’ve thought more about
keeping the baby?”
“There’s no way I could
do anything to hurt this child. This is
you growing inside me. No matter what,
I’m having this baby.” I told him as I
rubbed my stomach. He got down on his
knees and kissed my stomach.
“You hear that, little
man? You’ll be out soon to meet your
Mommy and me. I can’t wait!” I ran my fingers through his spiky hair. I was imagining our little boy with those
same blonde spikes and beautiful green eyes.
My eyes were closed and I was smiling.
“What are you
thinking?” He asked me as he stood back
up.
“Oh, just imagining what
he’ll look like. Your beautiful eyes
and hair…”
“No, I want him to have
your beautiful eyes. And your smile,
and your ass cuz mine’s big, and…”
“Hey, I love your ghetto
booty.” I reached around and gave his
cheeks a squeeze.
“Woman, you better watch
out, grabbin me like that. No telling
what I’ll do to you.” I squealed and
ran out of the room toward our bedroom.
He caught me and tackled me onto the bed. We fell together laughing.
We looked into each other’s eyes and the laughter stopped. I saw so much love in his eyes I was blown
away.
“You’ve made me the
happiest man in the world tonight, you know that, right?” He asked me with such seriousness.
“I’m glad you’re happy,
baby, because I have never been happier in my entire life. This little one is going to be a spoiled
rotten kid.”
“We need to name him
Alexander. Alex.” Lance stated.
“Okay. Why, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“For Allie.”
“Oh, my God. I just remembered what she said about a
little brother. Could she have known
this was going to happen?” A feeling of
total peace washed over me. It’s like
she walked through me and touched my soul.
“HUUUH!” I gasped.
“What is it baby? You okay?”
“I can feel her with me,
Lance. This is what she wanted. She wanted us together and starting a family. She’s so happy for us. She likes the name, too.” I was laughing through my tears.
“I told you if you had
faith, everything would make sense.
Whenever one door closes, somewhere one more opens.” He sang softly to me.
“And I’ll thank God every
day that when my door opened, you were there.”
The End
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