Black

By: Stef

The bed was empty when AJ woke up. The sun was barely rising, so where was she? He got up and padded down the hall, the continued on outside when he couldn’t find her anywhere in the house. Walking across the grass that was wet with morning dew, he shivered. It was already hot during the days, but nights were still cold. But something else made him shiver. A feeling deep down, a feeling he couldn’t quite explain.

Opening the door to the former greenhouse which was now her studio, he called out her name. It was only when he didn’t get an answer that he looked around. Where were all her pictures? Where were the sculptures? All he saw were empty sheets of canvas, unused clay, and some buckets of paint. His breath caught when he saw one piece of canvas that was not empty, or at least not completely. One word was written on it in black paint. The word was “Goodbye.“

He called his mother and asked her to pick up the dogs, telling her he wanted to go on a short trip when she asked what was wrong. Then, he went into the greenhouse and didn’t leave it for the next three days. He didn’t eat, barely slept, only lay on the floor beneath her things, a lace wrap he’d bought her in Belgium once spread out on the floor next to him. He kept hoping for her to call, but the phone in the studio didn’t ring. So he was left alone with his thoughts and the few things she’d left behind.

It felt like yesterday to him that he’d met Jade at an exhibition Howie had dragged him to. She’d worked there to pay for her College tuition, and in hopes of meeting the right people to help her get started on her own career as an artist. Paintings and clay sculptures were her specialty, but to AJ, she was just the most talented person in the world in everything she did. She’d told him about her favorite painting at the gallery for two hours, and even though AJ had hated the painting, he'd loved listening to her talk about it. Her sparkling green eyes drew him right in, and he’d ended up buying the painting for her. She’d refused to accept it at first, saying it didn’t fit into her tiny dorm room anyway. That was when AJ had asked her to move in with him. They hadn’t even been on a date, much less had sex at that point, but for some reason, asking her to live with him had felt right.

To his great surprise, she’d agreed, and moved in only a few days later. From then on, AJ had felt as happy as never before in his life. He’d helped her meet some important people, and had hired someone to change the old unused greenhouse in the garden into a perfect studio for her. Soon, she spent more time working in there than she spent with him. But AJ understood. She never complained when he stayed out late working, so he never complained when she didn’t leave the greenhouse for days on end. He never complained when she went to yet another soirée without him, and only came back the next day around noon. He loved her, he trusted her, and knew she’d never do him wrong. When Lili, a girl he’d known since elementary school and one of his best friends, told him she’d seen Jade at a club with another man, he’d told her she was just jealous and wanted to destroy his beautiful relationship. As if to prove to the world how happy he was with Jade, he’d gotten a small tattoo of her name on his chest, right above his heart. Maybe he’d been blind, but in AJ’s mind, nothing had pointed to this.

Jade’s first headlining exhibition three months ago had been a huge success. She’d sold more than half of her paintings, which was very rare for a newcomer. Maybe it was because of the way she held herself, or the way she talked to all the right people, just as AJ had taught her by his own experiences in the music business. Talks of a studio in New York to get “new inspiration“ had become pretty frequent in the last couple of weeks, but somehow, AJ had always talked her into postponing it until after the upcoming BSB tour. He’d planned on taking her with him, to show her the world so she could paint it the way she saw it. He wanted to give her everything he could. But maybe his everything hadn’t been enough for her.

It was the 4^th day after she’d left, or at least AJ thought he’d seen the sun rise three times since then. They’ll go away, he thought when a car pulled into the driveway. He didn’t move when he heard the doorbell. He didn’t move when he heard Howie’s voice call his name. And he didn’t move when he heard Lili yell, “Howie, I found him! Bring me a bottle of water and some blankets!“

A pair of arms wrapped around him, but he didn’t move.

“God, AJ, what are you doing to yourself?“ he heard Lili murmur, but couldn’t get himself to react in any way. “Leave the door open, Howie,“ was the next thing he heard her say. “It stinks in here.“

“No,“ AJ rasped, and he saw Howie kneel down next to him.

“What did you say, AJ?“ his friend asked softly. AJ met his brown eyes, which were full of concern.

“It doesn’t stink in here,“ AJ said, his own voice sounding strange. “It’s paint. Jade loves that smell.“

Lili and Howie exchanged a look AJ didn’t even notice, and then Lili held a water bottle to his lips while Howie spread the blankets over him.

“You have to drink, Alex,“ Lili whispered when AJ turned his head away from the bottle.

“We have to get him inside,“ Howie said, and AJ felt Lili get up. Before he knew it, the two of them had picked him up and carried him inside, and to the bedroom. It was then that he began to fight.

“NO!“ he screamed. “I can’t go in there! It’s our bedroom, I can’t go in there!“ He began kicking at his friends, who reacted quickly by turning around and taking him to the living room. AJ’s body went limp before they even put him on the couch. Howie spread the blankets over him once more, and Lili knelt down on the floor next to the couch.

“How long were you out there?“ she asked, running a hand down the side of his face. She’d never seen him look this bad. There had been a couple of hard break-ups she’d helped him go through, but never like this. When he didn’t answer, she asked, “Since your mom got the dogs?“

He nodded almost unnoticeably, and heard Lili sigh.

“Alex, we were worried,“ she whispered. “You didn’t answer the phone, wouldn’t call anyone. Have you eaten at all?“ When he once again refused to answer, he heard her sigh again. “Listen, if you don’t drink some water right now and eat something, we’ll have to call a doctor. Your choice.“

He met her gaze stubbornly, surprised to see the caring expression in her eyes. He’d expected her to be pissed off, or at least a tad bit angry, but he saw none of that. Taking the bottle from her slowly, he whispered, “Okay.“ Lili smiled and kissed his forehead before getting up to leave the room.

Howie stayed with him, almost as if he was afraid AJ would run back outside and lock himself up once more. The men didn’t speak. Howie sat on the love seat watching his friend, while AJ drank his water slowly and stared at the painting over the open fireplace. It was the first painting he’d bought for her. Jade had taken all her paintings with her except for that one. His eyes fell on some of the pictures on the mantlepiece, pictures of the two of them together, and he felt his eyes cloud over with tears. He swallowed the tears down. He hadn’t cried since she left, and he knew that if he did, he’d completely break down.

Lili walked back in with a plate of steaming soup, and set it down on the table in front of him.

“Chicken soup,“ she told him as she handed him a spoon. “You’re gonna finish it.“

He took the spoon from her as if he was in a trance, and started eating the soup while Lili motioned for Howie to follow her back into the kitchen.

“What do you think?“ she whispered when they were alone, and Howie glanced into the direction of the living room.

“I think you were completely right when you said you saw her in New York with another man. And I think she completey forgot to mention the fact she’d found someone else to AJ,“ Howie answered, his voice sounding bitter. Lili had come back from short trip to New York in the morning, and had called Howie, who was almost as good of a friend to her as AJ, right away. She’d seen Jade in New York, all over a man who was carrying a couple of shopping bags from extremely expensive stores. The man had looked very familiar to Lili. She thought she’d seen him buy a couple of paintings at Jade’s exhibition.

“I don’t get it.“ Lili tried to keep her voice low, but slowly, her anger was surfacing again. “I’ve never seen him as in love as with her before. He gave her everything, clothes, jewelry, he’s the one who started her career. And this is what he gets for it?“

“Maybe we’re just judging her without really knowing...“

“No!“ Lili cut him off. “I know that when I was here two weeks ago, Jade was acting as everything between her and AJ was perfect. Things can’t change that quickly, Howie. I’ll tell you what really happened. She got what she wanted from Alex, and now, she moved on to someone who can be more helpful to her little career. THAT is what happened.“

Howie didn’t get the chance to answer when they heard a loud crash from outside. He raced outside, followed closely by Lili. Lili screamed when she saw what had caused the noise, while Howie tried to get into the greenhouse, to a raging AJ.

Destroy. He had to destroy everything. He threw the pictures he’d grabbed from the mantlepiece on the floor, making the frames shatter into a million pieces. He picked up a piece of glass and slashed the piece of canvas she’d written on before slashing the rest. Stumbling over a bucket of paint, he picked it up and poured it over the pieces of canvas and lace in the middle of the greenhouse now. He could hear Howie and Lili scream outside, but he couldn’t stop. Something inside of him was making him do this, and when he slammed the empty bucket into one of the glass walls, he didn’t even feel some flying pieces of glass cut his arms, his feet, and his face. His eyes sparkled like those of a madman when he picked up a box of matches.

“ALEX, NO!“ he heard Lili scream when he lit one, but didn’t care. The match dropped to the floor, and the paint and canvas immidiately caught fire. More glass shattered, but this time, he wasn’t the cause. It was Howie who’d kicked the door open to get to his friend, and was now pulling him out of the burning studio. He felt Lili slap him hard in the face before catching him when he passed out.

When he woke up, he didn’t know where he was. He could hear strange beeping sounds, and bright light blinded him when he opened his eyes.

“Jade?“ he whispered, and felt someone take his hand.

“You’re at the hospital, baby.“ It was his mother’s voice, and when he turned his head to look at her, he gasped at how exhausted she looked.

“What happened?“ he whispered. “Was there an accident? Where’s Jade?“

“Oh, honey...“ she whispered, a tear rolling down her face. Even now, his first worry was that awful woman. She could see in his eyes that he was beginning to remember what had happened, and felt her heart break all over when a strangled sob escaped him.

“How long have I been here?“ he wanted to know, squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn’t have to see the pain in his mother’s eyes.

“Two days. I’ll go get a...“

“Has she called?“ When Denise wouldn’t answer, AJ repeated, “Has Jade called?“

“No. But honey...“

“Does she know that I’m in the hospital? I want the truth, mom.“

“Lili managed to get a hold of her and told her.“

AJ began crying silently while Denise left the room to get a doctor.

He had to start a therapy and stay at the hospital for a month. His therapist wasn’t so sure if he should be released already, but finally agreed when Denise said AJ would move in with her again at first.

He’d been home for three days when Lili showed up. She’d visited him at the hospital almost every other day, even when he’d refused to speak to her. While he sat in his hospital room silently, staring out the window, Lili had told him what was going on in her life, about her new job, and the annoying habits of her new roommate. AJ wouldn’t admit it, but it felt good to hear her chatter like that. When she stood in front of him in his mother’s kitchen now, he felt as if time had been turned back around 15 years. They were elementary kids again, and Lili was picking him up to go play outside.

“We’re going for a walk,“ she announced, giving him a look that made it clear there was no room for discussion. “Come on, Alex,“ she said when he wouldn’t move from his chair at the kitchen table. She began pulling at his arm, and finally got him to get up.

“Why are we going for a walk?“ AJ asked slowly, putting on the baseball cap and shades Lili handed him.

“Because you, my dear, haven’t been outside in ages. The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, and you need a tan. Let’s go.“

She drove them to the park in her beatup old pick-up truck, the one she’d had for almost 8 years now. And it had been old then. AJ remembered borrowing it from her for a date once. Jade always used to make fun of Lili because of that truck... He drew in a sharp breath at the thought of Jade, and felt Lili look at him. Thankfully, she didn’t comment.

Once they were at the park, Lili looped her arm through his and they began walking. She talked at first, but then they just walked in silence. He knew she was waiting for him to speak, but he wasn’t ready for that yet.

They got to the small pond where they played as kids, and just like they used to, the kids playing there now were trying to push each other into the water. They were laughing, bright children’s laughter, and AJ couldn’t remember ever being so happy. Everything seemed so senseless. The world looked grey, and he felt life wasn’t worth living without Jade by his side. Where was she? Why hadn’t she called? Maybe she hadn’t left him, maybe she’d been kidnapped! And if she really did leave him, why wasn’t he dead?

All those crazy thoughts were spinning around in his head, and Lili seemed to sense that something was wrong. She led him over to a bench so they could sit down, giving him a worried look when he clutched his heart.

“Alex, are you okay?“ she asked worriedly, grabbing his hand.

“I’m suffocating, Lili,“ he managed to get out. “I’m dying without her. I don’t know what she did with me, but I don’t think I can live without her anymore. What did I do wrong?“

Feeling Lili’s arms close around him in a tight embrace, he began sobbing.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,“ Lili whispered to him soothingly.

“When two people are in love, it’s never only one person’s fault if it doesn‘t work out,“ he muttered, holding on to his friend as if he’d drown if he let go. “You said that to me, Lili. You said that.“

Yes, that’s how it is when two people are in love, but she never loved you, Lili wanted to say. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t hurt her best friend even more. And somehow, she realized that AJ knew without her telling him so.

“Why can’t she love me?“ he asked desperately, but still, Lili didn’t answer. All she could do right now was hold him, be there for him, and pray that he got over Jade somehow.

The next six months weren’t easy. The press had found out about AJ’s suicide attempt, and made the tour even harder than it was. AJ began numbing his pain in alcohol, and everyone around him felt too helpless to really do anything about it.

The press attention had given Jade the media attention she’d always craved for. She’d made sure everyone found out she was the reason for AJ McLean to try killing himself, but when the story of how and why she’d left him came out, she realized that media attention wasn’t always a good thing. People hated her. Strangers spit at her in the street, and she didn’t sell a single painting or sculpture. Her new boyfriend kicked her out, saying he didn’t want his career going down like hers because of what she’d done. So when she found out the BSB were playing in New York, she managed to sneak into the hotel. After waiting in the lobby for two hours, her eyes narrowed when she saw Lili walk into the hotel. She was walking with Howie, and laughing about something. Lili and Howie stopped, and Jade jumped up when she saw AJ walk a short way after them. Of course the groupies hanging around in the lobby had seen the men as well, and rushed over to them to get autographs. Luckily no one seemed to have recognized her yet, the red hair disguise was obviously working. At least for most people.

AJ looked up, and felt his heart stop when he saw the green eyes that had been haunting his dreams. Lili followed his gaze, and grabbed Howie’s arm when she recognized Jade as well.

“Jade...“ AJ whispered, and the fans all turned to stare at her. They stepped away slowly. No one knew what to do.

“Hello, love,“ Jade sang, trying to sound secure. But she didn’t. She’d always hated Lili, and seeing the loathing in the other woman’s eyes made her want to run and hide.

“Maybe we should take this upstairs,“ Lili now said, her voice cold as ice. The men’s bodyguards led them to the elevators, and the tension on the way up was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Jade knew that everyone on there except maybe for AJ hated her with all they had inside. But she was going to do anything in her power to get him back, who cared about other people anyway?

“Leave us alone,“ AJ said firmly when everyone wanted to pile into his room.

“But Aje...“ Howie began to protest, but the look AJ gave him made it clear that he meant what he’d said.

Once the door closed behind them, AJ turned to Jade slowly.

“Why did you come here?“ he asked, his voice void of any emotion.

“I missed you, baby,“ she said sweetly, stepping closer to him.

“And you realize that now?“

She put her hands on his chest and leaned closer to purr into his ear. That always used to work on him, but not now. He grabbed her wrists and pushed her away, almost as if she’d burned him. That meant plan B for Jade. Begging.

“Honey, I know that what I did was wrong, but I just wasn’t ready for such an intense relationship. I love you so much!“

AJ’s will to kick her out flickered when she said the words he’d been longing to hear over the past months. But when he looked into her eyes, he suddenly saw something he’d never seen before. There was no emotion in her eyes. She was completely cold. How could he have missed that before? To him, her eyes had always sparkled with her love for him. Could it be that he’d been wrong all this time?

Sensing that he wasn’t so sure if he wanted her to leave anymore, Jade stepped closer once more.

“I’ll make it all up to you, AJ,“ she purred, running her hands down his chest to the top button of his jeans. And AJ felt disgusted. Never in his life would he have thought that he could feel disgusted by Jade, the woman he’d thought to be the one, but he couldn’t stand the feeling of her hands on him anymore.

“Leave,“ he said firmly, giving her a cold stare.

“Baby, I know you’re hurt, but...“

“I said leave. GET OUT!“

Jade flinched when he screamed at her. He’d never screamed at her, she’d always been able to wrap him around her little finger. AJ rushed over to the door and tore it open, screaming, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!“

Bodyguards were in the room before Jade did as much as move. They escorted her out of the hotel, while AJ threw himself on the bed. He heard the door close, and felt two people sit down on either side of him.

“Alex, are you alright?“ he heard Lili ask softly, and looked up at her. He was trying to cry, but couldn’t. It was almost as if his body refused to shed another tear over Jade.

“Can we go to a tattoo place?“ AJ asked back, and this time, he didn’t miss the look his friends exchanged. “I have something to take care of.“

Not even an hour later, they were at a small tattoo studio. Some bodyguards by the door were making sure no one would come in and see AJ there, while Howie and Lili were waiting for him to finally tell them what he was up to.

He took off his shirt, and pointed to the “Jade“ tattoo on his chest.

“I need something to go over that. I was thinking of a star.“ Seeing the shocked looks on his friend’s faces, he grinned, his first grin in months. “A black star,“ he added, knowing that Lili wanted to tell him how ugly this would look, and that Howie would walk away as soon as the tattoo artist got started because he hated needles. But AJ felt he had to do this. A black star, a star that had died, as the symbol of the woman who‘d almost killed him. And as the symbol of finding the strength in himself to get past her.

The End

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