Come Again

By: Lara

You push yourself on me…force yourself on me…free yourself through me…you better save yourself from me…every time you want me to be…something I could never be…guess you’ll have to wait and see til the next time that you have to come again…

“Yes…yes, Mom, I know. Six o’clock. The radio station. Right.” AJ held up two shirts as he looked at himself in the mirror. Red? No…green. Yeah. Green. “Yes…I talked to him. Yes…I’m fine. I swear. Great mood. I know. Room four-twelve if I need anything. Right. I love you, too. Thanks. Bye.” AJ hung up the phone. “Jesus fucking Christ.” He tossed his cellphone onto the bed and pulled the green shirt over his head. The shirt hung on him, as did the baggy jeans. He was losing weight. AGAIN. He slipped his feet into a pair of sneakers, sprayed on some cologne, and headed for the door, stopping to grab the cellphone on the way out.

“Aje…where ya goin’?” Nick asked as he passed AJ in the hallway.

“Out.” AJ looked over his shoulder and sighed. “Wanna come?”

“Um…no…I’ll just stay in tonight, I think,” Nick said with a sigh. They mobbed him worse then any of the others, and he just didn’t have the patience.

“Okay. Later.” AJ jabbed the button for the elevator. He felt rather then saw the bodyguard behind him. “Hey.”

“Where we goin’?”

“Out. Not sure. Downstairs first, then just out.” AJ rubbed his temples. Five minutes alone…what he wouldn’t give for that.

“Hi…AJ…my name is Christine.” A girl shyly walked up to him. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“No thanks, Christine,” AJ said politely, pasting on the “what a great fan” smile. “I’m cool here.”

“I…um…just wanted to say that your show was great. Really spectacular,” she said. “You look like you have so much fun up there.”

“I do. It’s my life,” he said. She said a few more things then thankfully she melted back into the crowd. AJ turned back to the bar, downed his shot, chased that with another shot, then motioned to the bartender. “Let’s roll.”

They sat in the taxi, AJ staring out the window. “If I gave all this up, would they still be this nice?” He wondered out loud. “Would they still want a part of me?”

“Huh?” The bodyguard asked. AJ shook his head.

“Nothing. Talking to myself.” AJ ran a finger down the window. “If they knew what I was after the lights go down…would they still want everything I have?” He stepped out of the taxi and heard a few girls outside the bar let out a small shriek. He pasted on the smile again, wondering when they’d back the hell off.

I hate myself for you…I break myself for you…I’d kill myself for you…I’d better save myself from you…every time you want me to be something I could never be…guess you’ll have to wait and see till the next time that you have to come again…

“Hey, buddy, don’t you think you’ve had enough?” The bartender, a man in his fifties, looked at AJ sympathetically. He glared back.

“I think I know what’s enough for me.”

“Just asking. You gotta ride home?”

AJ snorted. “Do I ever…a fucking limo if I wanted it.”

The bartender nodded. “I’m gonna have to cut you off in a few, ya know.”

AJ looked him in the eye as he peeled a hundred dollar bill from his wallet. “Could this convince you not to?”

The bartender glanced at the bill, then shook his head. “Nope. I know when to say when, pal.”

AJ eyed him appreciatively. “Okay. At least one of us does.” He put the money away and took a long swallow from his bottle of beer.

“Girlfriend?”

“Huh?”

“Your girlfriend dump ya or something? Is that why you’re hitting this so hard?” The bartender motioned to the bottle of beer. AJ picked the bottle up, moving around so the liquid would slosh against the glass.

“Nah. Girlfriend’s at home.” AJ pointed across the room, where a group of women were looking at him and whispering. “See them? They’re watching me. Everywhere I go…watching. Watching what I wear, who I’m with, what I do…fuck, if they could watch me piss they would…see if I hit the bowl or not.”

The bartender laughed, and even AJ had to smile. “You someone special?”

“They think so.” AJ played with an empty shot glass. “If I get a new tattoo…they wanna know what it is. Where it is. They EXPECT me to get another one. If I smile, it’s gotta look real, even though I don’t feel like smiling.”

“You don’t feel like it tonight?”

“Fuck, no. I don’t feel like it at all.”

“What do you feel like?” AJ looked at the man sharply. Everyone seemed to ask him this lately. Do you feel all right, AJ? What do you want, AJ? What do you need, AJ? But the man was genuinely curious.

“I feel like hitting something,” he said honestly. “Feel like just raging, ya know? Feel like not being the me they want…or think they want. Does anyone really know what they want, though?” AJ chuckled to himself. “Damn…now I sound like one of those fucking therapists they want me to see.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Again, a genuinely curious question. AJ smiled, a slow smile.

“If you only knew. How much time do you have?” AJ handed the bartender the shot glass, and he filled it one last time. “I hate my life…depressed, I guess. Drink a lot. Maybe too much. According to my so-called brothers, it’s affecting our career.”

“Do something about it,” the bartender said, taking the bill AJ slipped him and making change from the drawer.

“I should,” AJ admitted, trying to balance the bottle upside down on the bar. “I just dunno. I don’t think I’m as bad as everyone else does.”

“First sign of the problem, buddy. Trust me. I seen it all.” He handed AJ the change. “You have a good night.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” AJ did the shot and put the glass down with a thud. He stood and motioned to the bodyguard, who had been sitting in the shadows in a corner. As he slid from the barstool, he took the hundred dollar bill out again and sat it on the bar. Hell, the guy deserved it.

“AJ! Oh, AJ!” A girl in a shimmery silver top and short black skirt came running towards him.

“Whatcha wanna do?” The bodyguard asked. AJ understood. Did he want to be nice, like usual, or did he want to just ignore her.

“Since telling her to fuck off isn’t something I can do, let’s just roll.” AJ ignored the girl as the bodyguard politely asked her to stay back.

AJ pushed his sunglasses on as a taxi rolled to a stop in front of him. He slid onto the backseat, followed by the bodyguard, who gave the driver the name of the hotel. As he thought about what the bartender had said, he stared out the window. No one expected him to make a change. For as much as they bitched at him about it, no one seemed to expect it.

Maybe it was time to do the unexpected.

If you have to walk my way…have something to say…get the fuck away…can’t take one more day…I cannot conform…come again…

The End

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