"Love"
What is love, I ask myself
That special word that starts with "L"?
I don't know but I'll take a guess.
It's that feeling inside of me
That my heart awaits for you to see.
I try and try, but all my pride
Just goes away all like a tide.
When I look into that eye,
My heart spreads it's wings and begins to fly.
My guess of love
Is that feeling that I have or you.
"Stranger"
These feelings I have
I can't withstand
They trap me inside
And I can't take a stand
I feel like I've died
A million times
Because I can't see
What's in your mind
If I could just let you know
About how I feel
But I can't tell you
Cause I don't know you.
"My Reflection"
"If I tell her now what will she say?"
"If I could tell you it'd be simple."
"What do I have to loose?"
"A very precious smile."
"But if I don't what do I loose?"
"A chance to be desired."
"But what's my chance against those odds?"
"I can't say for I am you,
and I can see what you're going through"
"I've wanted her here for all these years..."
"And you've missed her for the past four years..."
"And I wish that I could let her know..."
"What you've been through up to now."
"Please I beg for you to help"
"I can only give you your advice"
"I guess you're right
I'll have to fight
This endless battle of my love"
"I'll be here again for you
For I will never let you leave
All you need to do is look
And look at your reflection."
"Things"
When the sun goes down
Things go through my head
And all they do is cause a frown
And after that I realize my heart is dead
Your face comes back alive and my heart begins to live
I see us walking side by side
I want to cry and let the pain go with it
But when I do the pain just holds on tighter to my heart
I feel my heart suffocate, I hear it's cry
I want for you to hear the deafening silence of my pain
And try only to stay well and sane
And even if I did you would let it go
You'd go on with your life, pain free
And don't even see
All these things you do that choke my heart.
"Scared"
11/09/02
"What are you so scared of?"
"Revealing this pain that I have."
"Why should you be frightened?"
"Because she is not to be taken heart-lighted"
"Why should she be different?"
"Because the friendship we have could be easily bent."
"But wouldn't being friends make you stronger and bold?"
"No, it just makes the burden harder to hold."
"There is nothing to lose."
"But it would leave my heart bruised."
"It already burns with fire."
"But its fire caused by desire."
"But maybe she feels the same."
"But its the doubt that is driving me insane."
"And what does your brain say?"
"It says keep it secret to the last of your days."
"And what is it your heart dmeands?"
"That I could make her love me by waving a magic wand."
"I'm sorry that you must be frightened by your friend."
"And I'm sorry that you can't be my friend."
"It' not fair to hold a grudge against me."
"Well, its not my fault that life has to be so intrinsic with me."
"Anxiety"
11/20/02
I'm here in anxiety to see how this turns.
And deep within me, my anxiety burns.
This furnace is burning with hope and with fear.
This furnace is burning with laughs and with tears.
The feeling of rising while falling apart.
The thoughts of my patience, senses, and heart.
The feeling of endurance withstanding the pain.
The thoughts of my logical facts and my brain.
The moment is coming, its arrival is near.
And my anxiety burns as if it the moment was here.
The moment is coming, and I must be prepared.
And I have mustered my strength, and yet I feel scared.
The results may be coming as good or as bad.
They might make me feel just as gloomy or glad.
The results may even be tragic or hard.
And my emotional defenses may not be on guard...
"Anger"
11/29/02
Fury fills the shadow
Of the hatred in my soul.
Flames consume my body
Flames that are black and cold.
My eyes are filled with passion
Passion fed with hate.
Adrenaline rushes through my blood
Adrenaline composed of hate.
My senses all go numb
I can not take a single breath of air.
My heart's beats are now faster
My body is in despair.
My thought is one and only one:
To destroy everything in sight.
My fists are clenched preparing for a fight.
My vision gone: I've lost my sense of sight.
I've lost control of everything around.
My muscles ache and shake, I can not feel the ground.
Somebody help me, I need some help
To take this hate away!
My mother's eyes are filled with fear,
I can not make her stay.
My cry is loud without a sound,
My body has lost control.
I'm sorry, it wasn't me, who has destroyed the world.
Mother, I promise, I do not mean to make you cry.
It's my Hate, I promise you
That has cut my wings to fly.
Hold me please! I'm shaking on the ground!
Hold me please! I'm choking with Hate and there's no one around.
Hold me please! I need someone to take this hate away!
Hold me please! My chest is burning, and I want you, Mom, to stay.
Hold me please, I need your love to counteract my pain.
Hold me please, I need your forgiveness, to shield me from the rain.
I'm so sorry, hold me. Why?
Because I need your shoulder, Mom, to be able to cry...
"Worthless Fool"
12/11/02
Who is it that stands before me?
Why is it you're coming here to scold me?
How can you accuse me of so many crimes?
Where was I, when I told so many lies?
I don't understand how I've been left all alone and stranded.
From one day to another, everyone sees me as a bandit.
Perhaps, maybe, everyone has a reason to be right.
I'm a fool, ignorant, there's no point in fools to fight.
By the words that have been said by many people,
I have fallen with my faith and become crippled.
With their eyes that kill with blades of steel,
My heart's been stabbed and its warmth I can not feel.
I feel the guilt of the one that trusted me,
For I take the blame of the pain that's come to be.
I have not the strength or the will to stand.
Don't anyone dare lean on me, for I'm remotely grand.
I'm nothing more than a fool upon a street.
A worthless fool under your own two feet.
I'm nothing more but fraud under a mask.
Not worthy of walking on this road.
I appologize, I did not mean to make you hurt.
I believe its me to blame that you've been burnt.
I know it now, I'm only a fool very far from wise,
And I have no strength to get myself to rise.
If only I could place your heavy burden upon me,
I'd be very much relieved, for its my fault, and you'd be free.
I'd be more than glad to try to help you once again,
But I'm no good to you, and my attempt would only be in vain.
So you may stand here to glare accusingly at me.
You may stay for I deserve your scolding towards me.
You may stay and keep rubbing in my crimes.
I'm a worthless fool for many things that I thought
to be the truth have turned to lies.
"Will Vs. Depression"
12/12/02
"So here I am, on my way.
And still no problem have I solved.
So here I stand alone and strong today,
Hoping that all their problems shall soon resolve."
"Once again your're left alone with no one by your side.
It's been a while since loneliness has isolated you from happiness.
And once again, you have no where to turn or have a place to hide.
I have been to many people, its your turn now, your next."
"I realize that my friends have left, I must face my own ordeals alone.
For yesterday I was happy, now many perils lay ahead.
I know that I can not run or hide, therefore I must stand as strong as stone.
Depression has tried to take its toll, but I'm trying not to loose my head."
"Many friends have turned on you, and accuse you as the culprit.
You have done some wrongs before, and now they find you guilty.
You're accused of using them, and messing with their wits.
'He's the worst,' they say, you're a bad man; its what they see."
"Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been the best,
But its all I've tried to be.
I'm sorry that I can not be like any of the rest.
I don't care, though, as long as there is somebody to believe in me."
"Ignorant beyond foolish of all fools!
There's no one there, you blinded man, take a look around!
Do you believe she's truly into you, your loved and priceless jewel?
Your faith has begun to fade, you might as well place both feet on the ground."
"She's a friend to me, all I need to do is call.
She's been there for me before, and I can count on her again.
I have gotten counsel from the Moon above us all,
And my faith I will not lose, no matter how hard it rains."
"I have already got a grasp on her emotions.
My influence is great, for you have no control on her.
She's consumed in confusuion wondering what she feels.
You can't change that...this is the life that's real."
"You will not gain control of me, for I will not dwell in all the pain.
And as long as I can stand I'll fight, to walk her through the rain.
My faith will conquer all, including you,
And no matter how hard life gets, I will carry through.
I will not allow myself to give in to you.
I have the will to withstand the pain no matter what you say or do.
I disavow the wrongs by which I'm accused!
For all I did was to try my best, and its me who has been used!"
"Fear"
12/31/02
I'm isolated with fear.
Nothing's around, not even dry tears.
I'm insecure, what will the future hold for me?
I'm blinded, I look everywhere I can not see!
Maybe I have given way too much too soon.
Perhaps I've been a fool, I'm such a loon!
I'm holding on with all my strength: I do not want to fall.
I'm burning cold with fear: I fear to lose it all.
I've crashed and burned.
Many lessons have I learned.
I've been wounded many times in the past,
And I fear that I haven't experienced my last.
Reality is closing in on me,
I fear for what it wants to show me.
I don't want to hurt again.
I have had enough of all my wounded pains.
Why do I lie to myself?
I have to realize I'm not strong.
Why do I lie to myself?
My hopes may all be wrong.
I know I'm weak, defenseless in the dark.
I dread with fear at Love's betraying bark.
I must be honest: I'm no better than anyone out there.
Because there's only so much that I will be able to bare.
I'm weak, I'm ignorant, I'm here.
Everytime I stop to think, I cower from all my fears.
I'm really paranoid, I may have had you fooled.
But I know myself I'm nothing more than a frightened child unconsolidated.
