The Bond Story
"Look Goldfinger! A message from Dr. No!" "Never shall we receive another golden eye from him, James." "Never say never again, man. Go to the Casino Royale if you're mad. It just says, 'Dear boys, here's a license to kill for you, but remember you only live twice. From russia with love.'" "So it must be for your eyes only." "No must know Octopussy." "Who?" "You know, the man with the golden gun who has a view to a kill." "Ya, sure. He is on a mission called "Moonraker" that sets out tomorrow for 'the world' as they call it." "Well, tomorrow never dies for the world is not enough. Yet, as Thunderball said, 'The living daylights can kill the world.'" "Do you know the spy who loved me?" "Ew! A spy loved you?" "Not really." "Oh, ok." "Anyway, enough of being on her majesty's secret service, what are you gettin for your gal?" "Diamonds." "Sweet! Diamonds are forever! She'll love it!" "Ya, now I don't have to live and let die anymore. I'll just live." "Whatever!"
POLLY WANTS A WHAT?!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
The Smelly Scapegoat
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dangit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dangit Skippy, get away from her before she craps all over you!"
Dog Sniffer
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody heck is going on?" The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"
THE COMPASSIONATE LAWYER
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."
LABOR PAINS
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.
GoldenEye Story
As we recall in our last story, (In GoldenEye)Agent 007, in the russian tank, was pursuing Trevelyn, Xenia, and the Evil General Ourumov, who captured the innocent Natalyia, thorugh the crowded streets of St. Petersberg. Bond manuevered past most of the civilians (avoiding vehical manslaughter), on the way running over a few russian soldiers knowing he has a License to Kill, not a License to break traffic laws. The smell of rocket fuel was in the air and the burning mutilated vehicles behind the path of the tank. The russians screamed "Kill that non-communist badperson!" as they put down there vodka bottles and began to aim their Kf7s at the incoming tank. Loud scrapes of metal was heard as Bond knocked the tank off the bridge to the water below. Bond continued chasing the capitors till they stopped by the converted missile train. Trevalyn started the train, as Xenia and Ourumov jumped abroad carrying the defenseless Natlyia with them.
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Bond follows quickly behind pulling out his truthworthy Walther PPK. When Bond arrives at the front of the train, he sees Nataylia being held hostage by Ourumov. Bond fires his PPK at Ourmov in the chest. Ourumov slumps out the back of the train car. Meanwhile, Trevalyn throws a switch and the train car windows and doors are locked instantly. "Good Luck with the floor James," says Trevalyn as he and Xenia set the time bomb to go off blowing up Natalyia and Bond. Bond has only a few minutes to escape. So he starts to cut the floor with his laser watch.
...
After Bond kills Trevalyn ontop of the Cuban Satellite Cradle. He can't enjoy victory for very long. A police report later finds out, that somebody stole the Frozen Body of Boris. To make matters worse there was no body of General Ourumov found by the Converted Missle Train.
-Dustin
