*PERSONAL WRITINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE*
I decided to start this page for anyone who wishes to share their experience with their Eating Disorder. I ask that everyone please respect what is written. We are all here to support one another with the daily struggles of having and Eating Disorder. If you wish to submitt a piece please me, and include whether you would like your name on it or not. Remember we all deserve a happy, healthy, eating disorder free life!!
The following piece was written by a woman I met off the internet. She's an amazing woman, who is much stronger, than she thinks she is!!! I find her writings to be very strong and asked her to write something for me, to put on my page. I knew she wanted to write something, but that she was scared, and didn't know what to write about, so I told her to write about something that was comfortable to her, her feelings about me, and she did just that.
The reason for my apprehension in writting stems from a dear sweet woman I met last year on the internet. No I'm not a computer junkie, just a
looker :>) This writting was her idea. Anyway at that point in my life I had become pretty desperate. Having just returned home from a
psychatric hold of two weeks verging on the brinks of another suicide attempt, I began to read personal entries from an eating disorder site. At
first it seemed that there were nothing but teens or young women I had little to connect with, then I ran across this one entry written by a
woman in her late 30's, a mother and wife, who was eager to share her journey into recovery with all who'd visit her web page. Intrigued I
visited. I was amazed by her story, touched by her struggles and hopeful that I could catch her recovery disease!!! I sent her a brief note
knowing that she wouldn't reply. Later that day after practicing some good ole self harm I found myself back at the computer. I was so suprised
to find a response! I wrote back and asked if we could arrange a time to meet online. The following morning we ended up chatting for about two
hours!! It was strange to listen to the similarities we had and comforting in a sense to listen to her power and strength online. Ever since that
day we have met and chatted on line sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes, much to our families pleads to join them, up to three hours!!
Several months later I was on my way to yet another treatment center. Before I left though I received an insprirational note and a photo to
take with me. I was told that I needed to read her note each day and that one day I'd be able to really read and take in what it said. I ended up
leaving the treatment center 4 days after I had arrived. Another failed attempt is all I saw, but she saw growth. Five months later I did return
though this time I wasn't going to quit, this time I felt I was ready. Packing along my note and photo too!! I stayed for three months. It was a
wonderful experience this time and things had improved or at least I thought they had. Upon returning home I faultered terribly, up to the point
of being hospitalized in the med ward. About a month later I got the most wonderful email!!!
SHE WAS FLYING to meet me!!! It was so hard to phathom that this woman, whom I met online and talked with for months was actually flying
in to meet me face to face. She told me she wanted to help me. Of course she said she cared but shoot she'd never met me and had no clue what
she was walking into!! We spent the most wonderfully inspirational five days together! We talked for hours, ate together, argued, cried, hugged
and shopped!! It was super and I would have never imagined it would have turned out like this, she was a "real woman" in every sense! Its still
hard to believe even now after all this time she is still there. Not once has she ever given up on me not turned her head when my slide
downward seemed so bleak. Something inside her is so darn strong and accepting that keeps her standing there by my side. I have learned
something about myself through this friendship, something not less than two months ago I'd never have believe, acknowledge or accept, well
I'm working on that one, its that I, Carrie, could ever have and sustain a friendship and not destroy it or reject it! That a friendship could actually
be healthy and okay. Although I'm far from recovery at this point, my special friend is encouraging, challenging and at times pushing me along
the way.
My reasons for taking up space on this page and wasting ink is to once again take her challenge and to write down what it is she means to
me. I dont know if the mess of words above has conveyed enough or even if its acceptable now that its been written. Hang on, I just glanced at my
angles again, I guess what I'm hoping I have accomplished is to let you know just how truely special this lady is to me! I'm seeing her light and
feeling her arms around me and holding her hand each day, and the days I can't, well she is still there shinning on me, holding me and taking my
hand in hers. I guess thats it in a nut shell!! The admiration, respect and love I have for her sits way down in my empty soul. Its there that her
magic is. Who knows maybe someday it will turn on within me?? Could I ever admire anything I do? Or Ever allow myself to respect and honor
myself? What about ever saying the "L" word to myself?? I guess time will tell or if you want to know now, you can email my angel at:
kvdmylife@home.com, she has more answers than I do! My angels name??? I havent forgotten, its Kim, my heavenly living angel!!!!!
Kim, I wouldnt be here where I am now without your love, support and guidance!!! ((((KIM)))) may we grow old together! Thats another thing
you have helped me to see that I do want for me...to live as many days as I can.
Thanks a million,
love and hugs,
Carrie
toodles
xo
Today as I sit here totally freaked out about what I am about to do, I stop, put down my pen and reach for a tool. Not just any tool will do but
something that will help ease me into a better place where judgement, self monitoring and self criticism will not hinder the flow of work from my
pen. It took me about 5 minutes to gather, arrange and select from my angel cards the guidance I so need. A begining and focus that will allow
my thoughts to flow into a more positive relhem. The first I selected was the Angel of Balance, who will whisper in my ear ever so gently to free
me from my self inflected limitations and allow change to occur. Funny if you knew me, change is one of my major fears. Out of my second deck
of angel cards I noticed this little angel hiding under several cards and was drawn to her, upon looking who she was I wasn't suprised to see
that it was the light she possesed that drew me toward her. The Angel of light. The light that I need to let in to open those dark places. Funny
isn't it how both my angels have so delicately awakened my soul? Okay, so now here I am, task at hand, angels on my shoulders and a much
improved frame of mind.
Carrie, your piece touched my heart and soul, and brought many tears to my eyes.
You are a very strong woman, and I believe in you, and I know you will continue to recover!
Please see page 4 for my response to Carrie's piece.
This piece was written by a lady. We have been talking for about 1 month now.
You can just call me scared. I am in the denial part I guess. Even though I am 37, almost 38,
and should definately know better, I continue to not eat or not eat enough, and I've just in the past
2 years started to realize just where I am with this. I say THIS and IT because I can't bring myself to
say the right word for it yet. Way down inside I know I have it, but I want it to stay way down inside.
It scares me, it makes me cringe, it makes me feel like I'm not right, it makes me cry, it makes me sick, it
makes me feel like I'm not even me, that I'm talking about when I do talk about it. I can't have it. Gee,
does that make sense to anyone but me??? and it makes me feel like I'd be lost without it. IT is a scary thing and I think
I do want it to leave :-( I am scared right now because, for God knows how long, 15, 20, 25 years??? I've just
felt fat and it has been with me. As far back as 2nd grade. And at this moment in my life, I am so very totally
enveloped in this, more than I ever, ever have been. I'm at X pounds with X pounds flashing in my head. I'm scared
this time I'll get myself there. I'm scared because I know I can go lower, each time I do, and that is why, about
a month ago I decided to find someone. Someone to talk to about this. I'm too scared to talk with anyone I know
personally, my family, or even my very best friend! That's sad and sick. So I did the only thing I could think of,
found someone online that could maybe help me figure this out, and YES, I was scared!! When I finally came across this
one name, I typed out my message to her, and of course it took at least and hour to click the
send button to instant message her!! But I did, and I am glad, she is my age. I was looking for that. She wasn't online
at the time I sent my first message and I can't describe to you the adrenaline that rushed through my body when I finally did click
send. I sat in front of my computer and thought, "I cannot believe i just did that!" This was the very first time I'd even
begun to admit I might have a problem! The next morning when I booted up the old computer, there was a message blinking
there. A message from Kim. Thank you Kim :-) So, in a month, I have gotten the courage to at least start talking with someone about this. That makes me scared too, crazy isn't it?
I have learned something I never really knew, maybe it is here because I am too scared to say what I think and say what I feel. But
I'm learning to do it. Privately, by journaling. I do understand how it probably does help. I have never been one to express my thoughts and
feelings. Keep it in, that's me in a nutshell. Truly it is with me, every thing is fine, even when its not. I still choose to cut the cals.
and I still choose to try and get to the weight I want. I do hope though, that I will manage to get a grip on it before it keeps its
grip on me, and I want to be able to loose that word!! SCARED.........I've typed it like 9 or more times already, and I want it to be less
the next time I write, so where am I right now? Just getting started!! Just starting to try and understand, just starting to reach out
for answers, just starting to want a normal life, just starting to want a life without IT!! So what's my problem? I'M TOO SCARED THAT
IF I ADMIT TO IT, MY LIFE WILL STOP.........AND I'M TOO SCARED THAT IF I DON'T ADMIT TO IT, MY LIFE WILL STOP.........I'm stuck.....
SCARED Confident, assured, helpful, thoughtful.
As I project this image to the world
That`s what you see
This is not me. It`s all wrong. The shape of my stomach, hips, lips,
Breasts, the arch of my back, the corns on my feet.
I am confident I was born a mistake.
Confident, assured, helpful, thoughtful.
This is what I let you see. Not the real me.
Don`t get close as I am afraid and I may bite, cry, scream, push and pull
away.
I know this is what you see but it`s not me.
Often the voices say ``what`s the point? you can`t beat this anyway``
A few pills
A gun
Is this the solution for the confident one?
I think yes, I think no
Each day as I meet the toilet bowl
I know it`s dangerous
I know I could die
Not that I care
Because I know death is no lie.
This next piece is written my a young lady named Erin, she is 16 years old, and we have been talking for about 1 month now.
She saw my web site and contacted me. This is how she feels today. I am sure many of us can relate to what she has written.
February 4, 2000
Look at me. You don't see me. You see a happy girl who's got it all.
That's not me. I won't let you open your eyes to who I really am. I won't
let you see me. The girl I once was has faded away never to return again.
Anorexia has stolen her. If I smile just a little bigger, I can fool the
world. Look at me, I'm the girl who's got it all. If only you knew that my
spirit has died long ago.
This poem was written by a young woman named Jennie. This is her struggles with the secretcy around her
eating disorder.
February 20, 2000
Bulimia, who me?
This is written by a young woman who is 19, her name is Jessica. I find this to be
very powerful and true. I am sure, that WE can or have related to it. Her email address is jrand@ukcdogs.com
What does life feel like? What is it supposed to feel like? Is it supposed to hurt all of the time? A heavy shroud of sadness
covers the happiness that lies inside. Push it off… oh you’ve tried? It won’t budge. Well, then you didn’t try hard enough, but
that’s not much of a surprise now is it? You haven’t done something right, once again. You never will. The good voices can
fight the bad voices, but somehow bad manages to win out in the end at all times, leaving the good lying defeated and bleeding
in a corner. Why is it the good voices tend to whisper, whereas the bad ones scream? What makes you so sad little girl? The
tears fall from your eyes, no purpose, and no reason, saline-flavored pain slipping past your lips. Will this mass confusion
dissipate with age? Will it worsen? There can be no simplicity. There can be no echoing laughter. No one understands, no one
sees the waste of skin that sits before them. The compliments given are empty. The Truth is nasty. There is no beauty here.
Fake the smiles, fake the giggles, fake the optimism. Deception is par for the course. Choose your own truths. Don’t worry, be
happy - Happy is unknown, worry is the road more traveled. Life is hard, they say (they know everything, don’t they)? Life is
hard for those who deserve it so. Hasn’t anybody ever told you that you can never be too rich or too thin? Excess equals
happiness? Unless it happens to be excess in the opposite sense, in which case it’s equal to excess of sadness. Sadness, gloom,
despondency...
This is written by a 25 year old woman, whose name is Jennifer. This poetry reflects how she has felt with her eating disorder.
"Just Around the Corner"
Just around the corner it lurks
I am just hanging by
a strand of life.
No longer am I free of care
to dance and run and play and share.
I am held down by the
hurtful cycles that
haunt me everyday.
I build a wall
around my heart
But it watches my every move.
It waits.
Waits for me to let my
guard down.
For me to feel comfortable with
myself again.
I will never be free. I will never stop feeling its
grasp on my heart.
It taunts me in the mirror
It laughs at me in the cold
It watches me in my sleep
It waits around the corner.
I feel its shadow everywhere
It lurks
I run
It laughs
I fall
I fight again.
I am tired.
I am weak.
How long will it keep ahold of me?
Will I have the strength to fight this fight forever?
~~Jennifer Sanders Peace, serenity, and calmness
I feel my self-love envelope around me.
I am still.
Urgency is gone.
The chains holding me down have been loosed.
I have stepped back from the edge and
I am whole again.
I am honest with myself
I deserve happiness.
I allow myself to feel joy.
No more self-punishment.
No more negative voices.
No more cutting.
I am me.
I see myself; simple true, and new.
Someday....
....someday when I look at my reflection.....someday
I WILL see this.
~~Jennifer Sanders "Happy is Thin?" I have only one need which is killing me
To look in the mirror and be able to see
a goal that's been reached though it be a sin
A soul that is happy a body that is thin
As I struggle in silence to get through each day
My mind once was clear yet now its turned gray
I'm loosing the fight at this constant terror
Of the pain I see with the foe in the mirror
But when I am thin my task will be done
It is when I feel happy that I know I have won
Yet I wont give up until I can see
A skinny reflection looking back at me.
~~Jennifer R. Sanders 10/92 "My Enemy" The friend is back I thought one day
as my reflection laughed at me
Fighting and yelling about
the image wanting to be free.
I've runaway from this constant stare
yet the walls have locked me in.
The darkness engulfs me
with my foe in the mirror to win.
My life is a battle and I am at war.
My body is My own enemy.
I'm fighting with all my strength
yet the chains of shame wont let me be.
Suffering in silence the battle within
I am quietly fading away
Crying inside, dying outside
with the enemy only I can see.
~~~Jennifer Sanders
I will never be at peace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Reflections in the Mirror"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following is a story of a young woman's eating disorder. Congratulations with your recovery!
MY RECOVERY PROCESS FROM BULIMIA NERVOSA:
A MESSAGE TO ALL
By: Kristin Jaworski
Date: January 19, 2002
BACKGROUND
Well, here I am on January 19, 2002 writing a story that I never thought I would be writing: My Recovery Process from Bulimia Nervosa. Who would have thought? Certainly not me. It’s hard to believe that in August of this year I will be passing my ten-year recovery anniversary. I have remained quiet and out of the loop this entire time but I promised myself many years ago that if I ever reached this milestone that I would only then consider myself to be in a solid state of recovery and could begin to share what I have learned. My experiences are specifically directed to those with Bulimia, since that was my disorder of choice, but many issues cross over into Anorexia Nervosa and into obese overeating.
Let me begin by stating the obvious. Variation exists in everything in life and that includes Bulimia. I believe that those with this disorder can place themselves on a Bulimia continuum, if you will. On the left side of the continuum are those who dabble in the behavior briefly and then are able to quickly get themselves back out. On the right side of the continuum are those who allow the behavior to completely envelop their lives to the point of not knowing how else to live. And, of course, there are all of those who fall in between the two extremes. I think it is important for those reading this story to know that I was as far out on the right hand side of that continuum as one could possibly get. I am not saying that to be melodramatic. I am saying it because it is true. I was absolutely addicted to food and exhibited the textbook signs of addiction. I lost friends because of this behavior, I lost jobs because of this behavior, and, yes, I even stole to support my habit. Once I started stealing I knew that I had a SERIOUS problem and I also recognized for the first time that Bulimia is most definitely a form of addiction and must be recognized as such.
Allow me to offer further proof that I was indeed on the far right wing of this continuum. I was in the behavior pattern for a solid ten years of my life. Yes, an entire DECADE. The first time that I remember engaging in the binge / purge pattern was when I was fifteen years old and I continued in it until I was twenty-five. Think about that - at that point in time I had been Bulimic for almost one half of my entire lifetime! I was hospitalized three times for it and had been in and out of therapy for the majority of those ten years. Towards the end of that time frame even my counselor had given up on me. How sad is that? She said that she had done all that she could do for me and she thought that perhaps a different counselor might be able to help me more. If this does not prove my point that I was a “professional” when it came to this disorder then I do not know what will.
I am writing this story to chronicle my efforts and to offer hope to all of those reading it that recovery is possible. Absolutely no one reading this story can be any worse than I was and if I can kick and scratch my way out of that behavior pattern then anyone can. What follows is the process that I went through in order to get to where I am today. There are many lessons that I have learned that I want to share and I hope at least one person out there can benefit from my mistakes. Please take to heart anything that you find helpful and disregard anything with which you may not agree or find offensive. No two people are alike and, therefore, no two recovery stories can be identical but I do believe that common threads do exist.
THE PROCESS
Again allow me to state the obvious (I’m good at that) and say that everything in life is a process. That includes recovery from Bulimia or any eating disorder for that matter. Some are able to breeze through the process while others, like myself, prefer the long, hard, dragged out version. I have always been a hard head after all. In the words of John Mellencamp, “I do things my way and I pay a high price.” I certainly paid a high price when it came to Bulimia.
I think the first step to my recovery (this probably holds true for many others) was to blame everybody else for my problem. I mean, why not? It’s certainly the easiest thing to do. Why not do the easiest thing first? So I did. You bet. I blamed everybody. My controlling mom, my dad that I had only met once and who didn’t want anything to do with me, my step dad, my brother, my dog, bird, whoever. I wasn’t particular about whom to blame - as long as it wasn’t myself. But one day it dawned on me that while taking a look at my various relationships allowed me to understand how I allowed myself to fall into the behavior pattern, blaming those relationships didn’t help me at all in getting out. Alas! I was forced into blaming no one but myself for continuing in it. Although I am presenting this realization with a hint of comic relief, I cannot stress its importance as the very first turning point in my recovery. However, it would be many, many years from this realization to the first day of my recovery. It was a long road indeed.
Unfortunately, while I am able to identify the first step in my recovery, I am unable to neatly and chronologically lay out all of the other steps that were involved. I believe that what “the process” truly boiled down to for me was a literal reprogramming of many ways in which I thought and of every single way that I dealt with my feelings and emotions. Because of this fact, the rest of the steps all happened so slowly and with so much unbelievable trial and error that I cannot honestly say which one happened next. Therefore, I have decided to discuss the larger issues in what I believe to be their order of importance.
As I mentioned above, the first and most important step of my recovery was accepting full responsibility for my behavior. I learned early on that I was unable to depend on anyone other than myself to take care of my problems and to see me through to recovery. Although I tried the “Give Your Problems to God” route, that road just wasn’t getting me anywhere. I needed to be in full control of my own life and not allow anyone or anything else, which included deities, to have a hand in it. In that way I ensured that all blame was placed on myself and not on anyone or anything else. I had to learn to trust and depend on myself first and everyone else second. I realize that this is not a path that works for all but it was the one that worked for me.
The next issue that I want to discuss is the concept of eating only when one is hungry and stopping when full. This was such a difficult concept for me to learn (or rather re-learn) and continues to remain such a cornerstone to my recovery that I am unable to find words with which to express its importance. I will go out on a limb and state, for the record, that I believe this issue to be a common thread to ANYONE who is recovering from an eating disorder. Those that abuse their bodies with eating disorders for long periods of time, such as I did, lose all understanding of what hungry and full feel like. It is the very first thing learned as an infant but once lost, it is very, very difficult to relearn. After I quit the Bulimic behavior, I did gain approximately ten pounds while I desperately sought to figure out what those two biological concepts meant. Since then my weight has leveled off at what I believe to be my body’s set weight and as long as I follow that basic rule of recovery, not to mention biology, my body takes care of itself and my weight no longer fluctuates.
Another big reprogramming process that I had to go through was to, first, be able to figure out WHAT I was feeling and, second, to be able to express those feelings in respectful and productive ways. You have to understand that my mother, who was my only parent, was a self-proclaimed bigot. She was the “Archie Bunker of the neighborhood.” I do not like to speak poorly of her since she is no longer alive to defend herself but I think it is important to understand how certain feelings and manners in which they are handled are learned responses. Once learned, it takes a virtual reprogramming to learn to handle them differently. That is what happened with me. I did not want to be a bigot. I am pleased to say that putting myself through college provided me with the tools I needed to be able to think for myself and to get myself out of that pattern of thinking. However, learning to figure out other feelings that I had other than those of bigotry and how to handle those feelings took many, many years of counseling and much trial and error. Of course, stuffing one’s feelings down with food isn’t helpful in this area. Because of this, I think the majority of my progress that I made with regard to identifying my feelings came after I stopped the binge / purge behavior. It was pivotal for me to be completely honest with myself as to what I was feeling and, more importantly, to establish WHY I was feeling that way. I had to learn to trace my feelings back to those circumstances or events that caused them. Once I learned how to do that it made acting, or sometimes not acting, on them much easier. The ability to trace my feelings also made expressing them much easier. It then became a matter of cause and effect: “I feel this way because this occurred or because this was said.”
With respect to feelings, I need to share one more important lesson that I have learned. Feelings are neither right nor wrong - they just are. This was a tough lesson for me. I had to learn that I feel what I feel and to stop beating myself over the head if those feelings were inappropriate or negative. Learning to trace my feelings back to their source allows me to either validate them or to alter them depending, of course, upon the situation. This continues to be one of the most powerful tools in my recovery.
One final important aspect to my recovery was the development of a respect for my body. One of the best classes that I took in college was a human biology class. I found it fascinating and developed a whole new respect for the human body. It is a remarkable piece of machinery with tens of thousands of processes occurring every day. It needs nutrition to run properly. I know that this fact goes without saying but those of us who abuse ourselves have a tendency to disregard it. There is something to be said in the phrase “ignorance is bliss”. Once I learned more about how my body functioned it made me more aware of the damage that I was doing to it. That’s not to say that I immediately turned to recovery. Again, it would be many, many years before I took that final step. But it was another turning point. That’s what it’s all about - turning points.
THE EVENT
Here it is - here’s what you’ve all been waiting to read: My Epiphany. What was it about that one day in August 1992 that allowed me to take that final step? I’m sure this is quite a let down but I have no idea. Honestly - I do not know. For many, it takes a “bottoming out” of some sort but for me, I truly believe that there was no bottoming out. I could have continued in the Bulimic behavior pattern until my little heart finally said, “no more, I’ve had enough” and quit working before I would have ever bottomed out. As the years have passed I’ve spent many hours thinking about that eventful day but I am no closer to an answer now than I was then. Like many of you reading this story, I had made the commitment to stop the behavior many times in the past but had been unable to follow through. Why did I follow through that particular day? I just don’t know.
I think there is a part of me that does believe in a higher power of some sort. I don’t know if I would call it “God” necessarily. I find myself wondering if it’s more planetary than anything else. Certain stars and planets that are aligned just right to create such change as to render them “unexplainable.” I believe that August 1992 was one such period of time, at least for me. I have no explanation for it. Perhaps part of it was the fact that I had worked on all the other parts of my recovery that I could over that ten-year period and the only thing left was to finally leave the behavior behind. To let myself fly so to speak. I just made the decision that I was finished and it was time to move on. It sounds trite but it’s as close to an explanation as I can offer. I wish I had more insight into that day but I just don’t.
MILESTONES
Again - more of the obvious - all processes have milestones that serve as benchmarks to success. This holds true to the process of Bulimic recovery as well. I have not kept up on the literature but, in my day, there were two benchmarks used in order to gauge one’s achievement. One such milestone was to pass a two-year consecutive period of binge free behavior and the other was to experience a traumatic event. Well, I can say that I definitely have both of those covered. I passed my two-year mark almost eight years ago, and my traumatic event I passed approximately seven years ago when my mother died of breast cancer. She had been diagnosed with it five years previously and had undergone a radical mastectomy in addition to taking an experimental type of medication. Unfortunately, the cancer reappeared in her lungs five years later at which time she refused all other treatment and allowed the cancer to consume her. It took eight months for her to die and it was, to date, the second most difficult thing that I have had to live through (my recovery, of course, remains the hardest).
Although I can’t say as though I ever had thoughts at that time of returning to my old ways of dealing with stress, I can say that my eating patterns did change, which I believe to be a normal reaction given this type of situation. I was working full-time, finishing my last year of college full-time, and watching someone that I love die a long, slow, and extremely painful death. I was physically sick to my stomach more often than not, which made eating an unpleasant affair. I ended up losing approximately fifteen pounds during that time frame. After she died and things returned to a quasi-normal state, I put five pounds back on and have remained at that weight ever since.
Of course, as one might guess, I have my own opinion concerning benchmarks that can be used to gauge just how solid one is on his/her path to Bulimic recovery. I completely agree with the traumatic event milestone. What I do not agree with is the two-year consecutive period of binge free behavior. I think this period of time needs to be more flexible and case specific. In my opinion, I believe that one must be out of the behavior for as many consecutive years as one was in it. For me, I was in it for ten years. To be out of it for two years wasn’t nearly long enough. Now that I am approaching year ten I will allow myself to believe that I am on a solid road to recovery but I will NEVER allow myself to say that I am recovered (past tense). I think that stating my recovery in the past tense is extremely dangerous. To exemplify my point, let me say that approximately three years ago my husband and I started having marital problems. We ended up separating a couple of times. I had been in my seventh year of recovery at that point and I cannot tell you how perilously close I came to slipping. It was the closest I have ever come and I had already been in recovery for seven years! As I have stated previously, because I believe that Bulimia is an addiction, I know that I can NEVER use the binge/ purge cycle again to handle my feelings and emotions. Never. Not once. Not ever. I will do whatever else I have to do (as long as it’s productive) but I absolutely cannot use that as my outlet. This is the thinking process that I have acquired that has allowed me to stay out of the behavior and in recovery for as long as I have. I believe this to be another commonality to recovery.
So there are my most important lessons learned neatly laid out and appearing so easy. I wish I could have learned them sooner and without all the damage. But that is a “What If” scenario and not the reality of my life.
THE HERE AND NOW
Today, I believe that I am one of the most normal eaters that I know. I eat approximately four meals a day and I eat REAL food. I do not eat food that is diet, low fat, low calorie, or low sugar. I go out to eat at restaurants and no longer worry about the holidays and all of the food associated with them. I eat anything I want and I NEVER allow myself to be hungry. The funny thing is I no longer want all that junk food that I used to eat as a practicing Bulimic. That’s not to say that I do not eat any junk food because I certainly do but my body craves foods with substance such as meat and potatoes. I can do all of this because of my basic rule of recovery, which again, is to only eat when I am hungry and to stop when I am full. I am five feet six inches tall and weigh 125 pounds. That is the weight that my body settled at after my mom died. It remains a constant with a normal variation of two to three pounds. I am a female and whether I like it or not, female body weight fluctuates. I deal with it and no longer worry about it. I still do occasionally weigh myself perhaps three times a year but it just isn’t necessary. There are many bigger issues to deal with while in recovery other than normal weight variation. Ten years ago I never thought that I would get to this point so I will say this again for emphasis, if I can get here then anyone can. It is possible. I am living proof.
Looking back I wish I could have found a more productive and healthier way to learn all of these things about myself other than falling into the food obsession cesspit. But, to be honest, if that was the only way for me to get to where I am today then I would do it all again. I am not ashamed of the path that I took and I will not remain anonymous. The person that I am today, with all of my good qualities and with just as many bad qualities, is a direct product of my Bulimic recovery experiences. I have evolved from a person who had absolutely no self-esteem and no self-respect into a person who now emits those two qualities in the air that I carry around me. As a matter of fact the major non-food related motto by which I live today is that I no longer care if people like me but I demand respect. I will respect others as long as they do the same and if returning that respect isn’t possible then I expect them to stay away from me. It’s that simple. This is a far cry from the person who I used to be.
I am certainly not finished recovering nor am I finished becoming the person that I want to be. I remain a process of continual improvement. What I do believe is that I have finally reached the point of self-acceptance. It has been a very long hard road but I do believe that the trip was well worth it. For those of you reading this who think that you can’t reach this point, then think again. Keep trying and don’t ever give up (even if your therapist gives up on you)! I know that you CAN do it. Remember, that statement comes from someone who has been there - and I mean who has REALLY been there. Who better to offer proof?
The following is a divorce letter from Mary Pat Nally. You can view her website at
www.reflectingrace.com
DearED
JULY 2003
It has been a tough couple weeks. I am tired, exhausted actually. I feel as though my strength is gone. I have been thinking about how long we have been together. When I think about it, I get frustrated, angry, discouraged and empty.I met you when I was in the sixth grade. You wanted to be my friend when no one else would. You helped me with math and spelling. Anorexia, Bulimia and Compulsive Overeating. You said #1 Don't trust anyone because they will end up hurting or leaving me. #2 Don't tell anyone anything because they really don't care anyway. #3 Feelings are to be kept to myself.
You have saved me from conflict, kept me focus, helped me become independent and you kept me safe. You also kept me from forming relationships, you controlled me, you told me that the numbers on the scale was all that mattered. You were mean to me and you allowed others to be mean to me too. I was not strong enough to tell them to stop.
You taught me to hate my body, to despise everything about it. You said my hair was too curly, my shoulders were too broad, my breasts were too big, my thighs were too fat, my stomach needed to be cut out, and my calves were just huge. You convinced me that no man would ever find me attractive and that the world would be better off if I were invisible.
I appreciate you taking care of me when I needed you. I don't need you anymore. I have been running from you for the past 12 years and wherever I go there you are, ready, willing and waiting. I have gone as far away as Alaska to try to get rid of you.I jumped out of a plane 5 thousand feet in the air, Climbed 30 ft in the air and walked along a cable, both things I did trying to get rid of you.
I loved to serve others, then you got all clingy and told me that unless I served others they wouldn't want me around. Some days you even tried to get me to stay in bed and not go to work. That didn't work because you were sending me mixed messages. On one hand you told me to stay in bed and on the other hand you told me that I had to be the perfect teacher. You didn't care that it was my first year. You told me to get up at 4:30am to work on my lesson plans, you let my kids walk all over me. For 9 years of my life you had me running away from myself. You told me that I didn't need God and sometimes I actually believed you.
When I started teaching you tried to tell me that God didn't matter, that sleep was more important. I have God on my side at church. I ignored you. I put my heart into my singing. I also started to form relationships with others and stayed in one place for a year. You hated that! You wanted me all to yourself.
I wasn't strong enough to keep you away. My confidence was shot and I was afraid of people. You told me I looked like a kid and that adults were never going to accept me. You said that men would never find me attractive. You made me afraid of myself, never comfortable in my own skin. You told me I was short, fat and ugly and I believed you. You should be ashamed of yourself, ruining my life like that. I am putting in for a divorce and taking you to court.
You are being sued for personality theft, personal damages, and I am getting sole custody of myself. You have no visitation rights - If you try to visit I will be ready. I might not be strong now, the people around me help me to become strong. They love me, they believe in me, they value my presence on this earth.
You have destroyed too many lives. I am no longer running, I am sitting. I am not doing, I am being. I am not dying, I am rising. I am no longer fake, I am real. I am no longer ashamed of myself, I am proud. I am no longer dead, I am alive. Together we will become strong and put you in jail forever.
Your Ex-friend MP
I received this email from a woman who had a sister with an eating disorder.
I have just read your story. I had a sister die on March 31st 2005, 2 days short of her 40th birthday, of anorexia. She battled with the demon for 23 years. In reading about the voices telling you this and that was like reading the story of her life. Most of your story was like her life. The secrets, the lies, the disease telling her she had to be thin.
She was also bulimic. She bounced from very thin to a healthy weight many,many times. She lost all her teeth by age 30. She lost her hair several times. She spent many nights in the ER getting her electrolytes back in check. She isolated herself so she and the disease could live happily ever after.
And sadly, alone, on a beautiful spring morning she and her disease decided to spend eternity together. Her heart just stopped. Her kidneys had started to fail a couple of days before and she had to wear Depends. But at Easter, at XXX pounds, she still needed to loose XXX more. Now she doesn’t have to worry about the weight, the binging and purging and “feeling fat”. I think you’re pretty weightless in Heaven.
Thank you for telling your story. And I hope others read it and get help or get help for someone they know.
Terri
The following is a poem I received
This is our break up
The final good bye
I can now live my life
I know I have the will to try
I was having a rough time
And you brought me more pain
My friends said I was different
My family insane
I had an epiphany
It was time to move on
And I would do everything
Until you were finally gone
I worked through the chaos
And tried a coping skill
I did the best I could
My affirmation box was filled
I really learned a lot
I finally understand
That me and ED, baby
We don't go hand in hand
Jesse
The following is a story I received
It’s hard for me to say when my eating disorder actually began. As a child I was always very anxious about everything, I was very socially anxious and had some OCD traits. I was a picky eater, but I ate a lot, and I loved junk food I would have ate nothing but junk food at that age if my parents let me. For the most part I behaved like a normal child in regards to food all through elementary school. I did not ever really think about my food intake or my body until I was about the age of 10, at that age oddly enough I thought I was to thin, I wanted to gain weight, I hated my scrawny legs, and how skinny I appeared to others. I wanted to have more muscle I wanted to look toned and athletic, my sister had the sporty build she was lean, toned, and gained muscle easily. I was the thin sister who had to work really hard to gain any sort of muscle at all. I wanted her body I envied her, people would always tell her how pretty she was and my mom and people would then go on to tell me how thin I was. I now, oddly enough, believe that being told I was thin so often as a child contributed to the onset of my eating disorder, I believe it become my identity, so when I got my period and was told by my mom I would get hips and start to look like a woman it scared me I guess, I worried it meant I would not longer be thin, and even though at the time I was 12 I never really liked be thin, and always wanted to weigh a little bit more, have a little more muscle and perhaps some more fat on me as well. The idea of no longer being the thinnest person I knew scared me, I did not want to get hips, and I did not know many adults that were thin in my mind. Then I started middle school and I actually hardly menstruated at all after that time until I was 17 for some odd reason I started again even though I was to thin at that time, and very sick from my eating disorder. Anyhow this story is to long but basically in 7th grade I went to middle school and I started feeling competitive with all the thin girls, and there bodies, but I did not really think of myself as fat until, my mom took me a psychologist for being very shy and my difficulty making friends, anyhow they made me feel like crap and said some things that I believe lowered my already low self-esteem to such an extremity that it sort of through me into the eating disorder in a way, to top it off I was weighed at one of these psychologist offices and after weighing me she reported that my weight was normal for my height. I have never heard that my weight was normal before in my life I had always been underweight, this upset me for some reason and I left feeling fat for the first time in my life. I suppose I was about 12 or 13 then. I had weird magical thinking associated with food like if ate certain foods certain whys good things would happen, I also started skipping meals, and dieting, out of fear of getting fat. Anyhow I kind of, I guess was sort of maybe on the edge or borderline or maybe mildly eating disordered up until I was 14 were I ended up getting really sick and eating hardly anything, I lost tons of weight and I don’t know was really sick, and then when I was 15 I started binging and purging and switching off between the two. And this story is already to long, but I was inpatient twice, in residential treatment saw several of different therapist who all seemed to give up on me deeming me hopeless. I don’t know why because I always tried very hard. I had a dietician who helped me out a lot, and I guess I have left the therapy setting a few months ago and have been being my own therapist. I have basically made lot of improvements mainly doing research online for my eating disorder, talking to others with eating disorders, and not giving up on myself. I have done a lot of self talk with myself, and still use self talk therapy methods that I basically discovered on my own or just basically challenging negative eating disorder thoughts to come to the spot I am in. I eat basically normal now, I eat at least 3 meals a day and normally snacks, and sometimes its more like 6 meals a day I eat anything I want and don’t deny myself anything. I did go to a eating disorder support group for a year that helped me out a lot in recovery as well but basically the support group and the dietician are the only types of professional help that have been beneficial to me. When I first was trying to recovery I was trying to be perfect I was trying for the perfect recovery I got into the disordered thinking that if I just eat normal and recovered from my eating disorder life would be perfect everyone would like me, I would have a boyfriend, I would never feel anxious or depressed, I would get strait A’s, be a great runner, maybe even go the Olympics lol. So out of the last 4 years of suffering from my eating disorder I started really trying to recover at the age of 18, I am 22 now about. I would get really disappointed when I would be eating normal and healthy and I was still anxious did not have a Boyfriend, and life was just not perfect at all. I wanted to know were my “rainbow was” I thought recovery was supposed to be perfect so it was not, and so I would relapse into my eating disorder. And little slip ups would become big relapses because I was trying to be perfect I never looked at it in terms of if I only purge or skip one meal I still will be healthier then if I am skipping meals everyday. I looked at it as I skipped one meal or purged so I might as well give up , I am a failure. So I would get really sick again and only until I got so miserable or was in so much pain psychically and emotionally would I give recovery another try. I now realize that there is no perfect recovery, that recovery is different for everyone, and that in some ways whether you call your self recovered, or say that you are in recovery it is always an on going process. I am trying now to focus on being healthier now, verses trying to be recovered. Because everyone defines recovery differently. I actually consider myself recovered to a certain degree; I don’t believe I would meet the diagnostic criteria for anorexia or bulimia at this time. I have been eating normal for months now and in some ways I feel like I have better attitudes towards food and weight then most normal people. I still struggle tho, I still have tough times, and I still feel that need to always be the thinnest but I am working at that, I am still in the process of trying to find other ways to cope which I sort of have, but every time something happens that upsets me I still find myself thinking of starving or purging as way to deal with the stressful situation in my life like I said I am still working on that. On the non eating disordered side, I still get anxious occasionally, I sometimes feel depressed, I don’t have a boyfriend, some people don’t like me (but of course some people do), my life is not perfect. So some of you might ask why I do it why I continue to stay in recovery and fight my eating disorder, when some other aspects of my life still seem so bleak. I sometimes still wonder that, but I guess the big thing with me, is I enjoy being able to think rationally; I enjoy being me in a lot of ways. When you are so underweight(or starving or purging) you can’t think rationally about anything even though I am still anxious I was a lot more anxious and depressed when I was starving. Even tho I still have problems I can think more rationally and logically about them, which makes it more likely that I will solve them. In recovery I actually can be myself, I am not always to tired to make a joke or to hang out with a friend or to even talk. When I was starving just talking in general took up to much energy, energy that I did not have. You notice things in recovery things that you never had time to notice during your eating disorder, it sounds cheesy but you realize how beautiful nature is, when I was starving I was so focused on calories, and what I would eat and how and when I would eat it I did not have time for anything else. Now in recovery I can’t figure out how I ever made time for my eating disorder, life is so busy, I wonder how I manage to function and do so well in school despite my starving. It also feels good to be able to eat and enjoy it, Food is good it tastes good, and eating is a huge part of life that makes life enjoyable. I don’t know there are so many things that make recovery better then living with an eating disorder, but for me the main thing is being able to think rationally and logically about things, my eating disorder robbed me of that. Sometimes I was thinking very illogically and did not realize it, and other times I realize it, but could not make myself think clearly so to speak and that was the worst feeling in the world. I was constantly confused when I had an eating disorder, and like I said just talking was so tiring for me, I was always to tired to enjoy doing anything, now I have the energy to enjoy things in life.
Amy
