How I Am Now
Sept. 1/99
My life seems to crazy right now, and for me I know that the best tool I have learned is to journal, so I am sitting down today to do just that.
And of course I have so many thoughts running thru my head that I don’t know where to begin. But what has worked for me in the past is to just go for it, so that’s what I am going to do.
About 6 weeks ago, I fractured my tibia plateau, which is basically my knee. I did that when Tom and I took my kids to the waterslides. And ever since then, I have been staying at Tom’s place as I knew if I went home I would be doing everything as far as cooking, cleaning, caring for my 3 kids etc. I wanted to give my knee the best chance possible for recovery. I have been off work ever since and will be for another 8 weeks. Prior to that I spent alot of time at Tom’s place, I really enjoyed my freedom as a woman and a mother. I have always been the primary care giver of my children, but since the separation with my X, I have enjoyed being “free” and for my readers who read this and who are mothers I am sure you will understand the “freedom” I am talking about. My X has not worked for the past year, and I have been the only one who has worked, now I don’t make a whole lot of money, and I felt a financial burden that way to support “us”, and since I have hurt my leg, it’s even been harder for me, cause their has been no money. I have had a hard time and been very torn as to when I should go back home, like the way it used to be which was that I would spend time at Tom’s and then when he worked nites I would go home and stay there, but that also meant my X was there, as we are still “living” under the same roof, which is stressful itself. As time got closer to the 4 weeks when I had to go back to the specialist the more frightened I got about going home, and I wasn’t sure what it all meant and part of me still doesn’t know what it means except that I love being with Tom all the time, I have “my” freedom as a woman and mother, yet on the other hand, I am torn because of my children, missing them, wanting to be with them, protecting them, all of the “motherly” things that go along with being a parent. This is why I am journalling today to find out all of this, now I am sure I won’t come up with all the answers, however, by journalling about it, it makes me feel better inside. At one point it felt like everyone, including Tom was pushing me to go back home and I wasn’t ready. Tom and I talked about this, and I told him how I felt. I also said “NO one knows what it is like to live at my house with my X”, including you, and I was crying when I told him this. I was holding a glass of wine when we were talking about this and he grabbed the glass and put it down, then came over to me to hold me, and said “no I don’t know what it’s like, but I think I have an idea.” He continued to hold me while I cried more and we talked more. What I came up with was that, because I have been at his place so much, I was afraid I wouldn’t see him very much, if I went home. I didn’t want that, and I knew I would resent my kids for that. I have talked to my therapist about this, and she said I would probably resent them but at least I was recognizing it and naming it, which most people can’t do. I still don’t like myself for resenting my kids, I mean I am a MOM, mom’s aren’t supposed to feel that, so WE are told from society. Maybe it’s time to change society’s way of thinking. So here I sit, trying to figure out what all this means and why. Funny, I have done this before, with no answers, and this time will probably be the same. When Tom and I talked, he had said that when I go home, that he wants to come with me and spend time with the kids, to get to know them better, and do this “parenting” thing. When he said that I felt a load of bricks off my shoulder, and certainly less fear. It meant that I was still going to see him and I wasn’t going to loose him, and that little girl inside of me felt safe again. I have also come to an conclusion that, I no longer want to sleep in the house together while my X is there. After being with Tom the past 6 weeks, that would be just to uncomfortable for me. I have told my X this, and he said fine. What’s good about me telling my X this, is that, 5 years ago, I would have never told him what I needed or wanted, I was to afraid to. I am very proud of myself for doing this and for all the other times I have done it, and I will continue to do it. I get stronger each day with my X, his control over me the past 20 years is beginning to disintegrate, and so are his verbal abusive words towards me. I know I am not “there” yet, but it will happen.
I am still torn about going home, having my freedom with Tom and not being a parent, but knowing that he will be there with me most of the time, I feel less fear about it. I am sure there will be times when I will be at home by myself without him, and I will have to deal with that when the time comes and I will also talk to Lynn about it, to come up with a plan so I can feel safe, but I know I will be fine, I am a strong woman.
Have I figured out everything I needed to in journaling today, no I don’t think so, but what’s important for everyone to hear, is that journaling can take several times of doing it before you can really figure things out. There is no right or wrong answers to it. I know I will journal more about what I talked about today. As it doesn’t feel “complete” yet, and that’s OK with me. I have learned not to expect it anymore, that it does take time, sometimes, and when its finished for me, I get this “gut” feeling inside of how I feel about what I just wrote. I trust and believe in myself thru all of my journeys in life, and I will continue to love myself and believe in me!!
**This next piece, is a piece I wrote in response to a piece that was written about me and for my web page, in my section called, **PERSONAL WRITTINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE**. Please go there to read what Carrie wrote, then come back here and read this one. It will also go in the next newsletter that my therapist puts out.**
Sept. 27/99
When I first read what Carrie wrote about me, I was so touched by it. I had many tears in my eyes. It felt really strange for me, cause it's usually "ME", thanking other people for how they have helped me, through my recovery, and here I sit reading, someone, thanking "ME" for how I have helped them. I never thought I would be in that position. All my life I have thanked others for what they have done for me (and I still do sometimes), but it seems the role is reversed, and that, feels so STRANGE to me. I know, I can hear Lynn, Linda, and Pat (my family doctor) now (as I am smiling) its a new thing, kind of like change, WELL, we all know I don't do well with change!! A couple of years ago I would not have allowed myself to feel good about something like this, now I do!! Althoug its a strange and new feeling, I like it and I am proud of "ME" for allowing myself to feel this, and for how I have helped Carrie.
I remember when Carrie and I first met, I got a message from a woman who wanted to talk about eating disorders. I thought wonderful, I am reaching out to people, just what I had hoped to do.
As Carrie said, we taked for up to 2 hours that first time. I remember telling her my story, about my anorexia and her asking me questions about it. Since then we haven't looked back. She refers to me as her angel, and I get a warm feeling inside when I think
of this, but I don't know if I am an angel, just someone who wants to help others and knows the daily struggles with living with an eating disorder. Carrie, I believe in you and will always be there for you. You are a strong woman, you just need a little shaking
sometimes (LOL) (Laugh out loud) in order for you to be reminded of that. The relationship/friendship we have has gotten stronger over the past year. Our eating disorders haven't come between us, because we haven't let it, we have control of that,
not anorexia!! That is a major victory, because anorexia, always tells us to "isolate" or takes "things" away from us, but Carrie, we didn't let that happen, doesn't that feel great!! We won that one!! Woo Hoo!! You said you wouldn't be where you are without my love, support and guidance
and I sit here smiling and thinking and still do, how many times I have said that to Lynn, Linda and Pat. What do they say back to me, "it was your hard work!!" I now believe them even more, yes, it is my hard work and determination that has gotten me to where I am,
and I will tell you the same thing!!!! Its your hard work, determination and strength that has gotten you where you are today. Yes, in both cases, people have been there fo us, however, its "US" that's done the work!! So, I say, we pat ourselves on the back and keep recovering
as we both deserve a happy, healthy, eating disorder free life!!
Later on in my recovery, I knew I wanted to help others in anyway I could. I knew and still know, that I couldn't "FIX" them, but I could share my personal experience with them,
and I always said to myself, if I can help ONE person with their eating disorder, the that was all I wanted. That would be one less person for the eating disorder to hold onto!! I know I have
reached a lot of people through my talks at schools, articles written about me, and more so now, through my web site. This is where a lot of people have contacted me.
I did my site, so people would have a place to go to and not feel so alone. They could read about my journey through my recovery and hopefully give them some hope, that it is possible to recover!
When they contact me, I just listen and answer any questions they may have. It is possible to recover, I know, I am living proof!! Being on this side of the grass, is a whole lot brighter and happier,
and I wouldn't change that for anything!!
November 26, 1999
Just wanted to let everyone know that I had a bone density test done to see if I have Osteoperosis. My family doctor and I decided to have one done, because of how I fractured my knee. She felt it was odd, that it didn't take much for me to fracture it. My doctor and I had talked about getting this done a long time ago because of the eating disorder and the age I was at when my eating disorder was in its "prime" so-to-speak. So, when the fracture occured and it was taking a long time to heal, it was time I had the test done. I had it done about 2 weeks ago, its a very simple test, just like getting an X-ray done. They took pictures of my back, spine and my left leg. They couldn't do my right leg, as I couldn't position it the way they wanted to, for the x-ray. I was told I would get the results back in 1-2 weeks. I just left it at that. I was a little worried about the test, but I knew I needed to get it done, whether the news was good or bad. When my doctor called 4 days later, I was surprised that he had the results already. This is what he told me. My spine and back are fine, but my left leg, thigh, femer bone, (member they couldn't do my right leg), results were low in the "number" range. It does explain how the fracture in my right leg happened without much force. Technically, I don't have osterperosis, but I am an exellent CANDIDATE for it, especially, if I don't take a calcium supplement. I cannot gain any more calcium in my bones, I have all that I will get, but what I can do, is not let any calcium deplete out of my bones, and I am doing that by taking calcium now. This is not a guarantee that I will not develop osteoperosis, but I have the POWER to do the best I can for ME, and do what ever it takes to lessen the chance of me getting it. *YES* part of this is a result from the eating disorder, and I have known that all along, but again I just thought it won't happen to me, just like WE won't die from an eating disorder, WE are invinsible, RIGHT!! WRONG we are not invinsible, boy do I know that!!!! Part of me was surprised about the results but a part of me wasn't. I was still shocked, and my first thought was "chalk one up for the eating disorder". It has taken, yet again, one more thing. Thats all it seems to do is take, take, take, never gives!!!! It can try and take whatever it wants from me, but I will NEVER GIVE UP FIGHTING IT!!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE to GIVE it my SOUL again, IT had it once, but NEVER again!!!
Tom and I were going to Reno, not only for a holiday, but to get married as well. I was so excited, yet so scared. I have never been there, and didn't know what to expect, "the unknown". We got there on Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday. We went to check out our rooms first, then we headed for the casinos. I remember seeing the first casino and holding Tom's hand. I was in awe of it all. The lights, the machines, the noise, and the people. My heart started to race, but I was still with Tom holding his hand and following him everywhere he went, because I had no idea where I was going. We went through a few casino's where it led to the outside, ( I later learned it was sort of a short cut where we could stay warm ). We walked along the outside on the streets. I remember being a little cold and very scared. I was in a different place, somewhere I had never been before. Tom still by my side though. We finally got to the casino that he wanted to go to. We walked in there, and I just wanted to turn around and go back. There was so many people, it was so noisy, every one seem to be drunk, the men especially, but yet at the same time so exciting. We had to cash in some of our travellers cheques, before we could play the machines, so we did that. We finally found some machines to play. It was video poker, the only thing that I knew how to do and felt safe with, as I play "online" video poker. We sad beside each other as I said to him "don't leave me, stay beside me". We had to meet his parents (who came with us to Reno) for dinner so we left the machines and started to head in that direction. I still remember feeling so scared, so lost, like a little girl, and all the people that were there, I was terrified! All the time Tom was still there. During this time of walking through the casino and even before tears would well up in my eyes, but I wouldn't let anyone see. I was too proud! I couldn't believe this was happening to me, I couldn't believe the feelings inside me. I never thought I would react this way in a million years. I never thought I would have another panic attack. I thought I was over this, much to my surprise I wasn't. We finally met up with his parents and went for dinner, by now it was hard to hide the tears so I told Tom what I wanted for dinner ( a salad, wonder why), and said I was going to the bathroom. I got up, he saw the tears, and I left with tears flowing down my cheeks. When I sat down in the bathroom, the tears flooded out, I cried for 10 min. Talking in my head, telling myself I was being silly, that I was safe, that I wasn't with "him" or anyone who hurt me before, that how could I be like this, that I thought I was over this, what was the matter with me. Then after all the negative came out, the positive came out, which is something that my husband Tom, has given me, teaching me about being positive, looking for the positive in life! That I was OK, that I was safe, that Tom was there with me, that no one could hurt me and that it really was OK to feel like this. That I am human, and not perfect. I finally realized, that I had to allow myself to feel this way, that I wasn't over it, ( "it" meaning the abuse and drunk men). I wiped my tears away, blew my nose and was feeling soooooooooo much better after my realization, and tears. I felt strong again, still a little scared, but new I would be OK!!! Tom was waiting for me just outside the bathroom, he hugged me right away and said he loved me. I said that I loved him to and that I was going to be fine. He asked me what happened and I told him all about how I was feeling, then I said "don't leave me, be beside me, when we play the machines" he said "of course". Everything was fine after that, I finally started to enjoy myself and even won a little bit. Both Tom and his parents said that this was not a typical nite in Reno, that alot of the people there were there for Super Bowl Sunday and that it was a weekend. Sure wish I knew that before I got there, but then I wouldn't have made a connection and learned something. I believe everything happens for a reason. Although I have been in recovery for 7 years now, I realized that nite, that its OK to "allow" yourself to "feel", even if you think you are past it or over it. I certainly thought I was, but I wasn't really. I could have sat there and continued the negative thoughts, but I knew I had to face it. I knew I had to go back out there and face my fear. When I began the positive thoughts, things started to look better. I guess the biggest thing for me that nite was not only facing it, but "allowing" myself to feel or react that way. If I had of stopped myself from feeling, it would have stayed inside me, and I would have never learned anything. Life is all about learning. I want to continue to learn about "me". Allow yourself to feel. Its OK to react to something even if you think you shouldn't or your past it, we are only human! Thank You Tom, for all your support and love through this difficult time. You never once left my side when I needed you.
I have been going thru a difficult time lately with everything that has been happening in my life. YES, some of the eating disorder behaviours have been present, and I always know that when I
am in this "space" I need to be, for some reason or another. Sometimes I am able to figure things out quickly and sometimes I can't, but what ever it is, I know I will LEARN something from it, I always
do!! I am not going to give up fighting for MY life, its too important to me, and I have worked too hard for where I am today with my recovery. I have always said that, to me, recovery is a life long
committment and I completely stand by that. I have the love of a wonderful man, TOM, who has been so supportive to me, who has loved me, who lets me cry on his shoulder and get tears all over his shirt, LOL,
who holds me, who listens to me, and yes, sometimes gets very frusterated with me, but he never turns his back on me, NEVER!! So with his love, strength, support, listening, caring and my strength, determination,
love, fight, I will get thru this!!!! I know that, because I am a WINNER!!!
ALLOWING
February 10/01
May 23, 2001
I just thought I would update you all in how things have been going for me. I realize its been a while since I have done this. Where to start, well first of all, May of 2000 Tom and I bought a house (actually we bought my ex husbands share). We have done lots of changes to it, to make it OUR house. July of 2000, my divorce was finalized, it was a happy moment, but at the same time a sad moment. I am sure anyone who has been divorced would understand the feelings. My ex and I share custody of the children. WE all get along just fine, oh sure we have our ups and downs but who doesn't! Everyone has adjusted well to all the changes, especially the children! They are wonderful kids! In November 2000, I asked Tom to marry me!! He, of course said "yes". I was tired of waiting, and I thought this is the 2000's now, why not. We had planned on going to Reno anyway, so it was perfect! We married January 29/01, in a little chapel in Reno. We had a wonderful time down there, and as Tom likes to say "we left a deposit in Reno".
My knee has not changed much. I have been from one doctor to another with not much luck. I officially gave notice at work in Feb./01, and I had gone back to work the summer of 2000 for 5 weeks, but it did not work out. I will now be going to a pain clinic in June 01. There isn't a day that goes by without me being in pain or swelling. I have applied for disability, just waiting to hear. Patience right!!! I do get frustrated with my knee, and often think why its still like this, but I do believe there is a reason for everything. For example, I always wanted to know why it happened in the first place, 2 years later I figured it out. Its because, it was the only way I could "be" with Tom on a permanent basis (as I lived with him at his apartment, before moving into the house). God knew I didn't want to be with my EX anymore and live with him in the same house. So to me, my knee was a blessing! And for now, why is it still like this? The feeling I get inside is that, I am still like this for my children, so that I can be home for them. See them off to school and be here when they come home. In the long run, as they get older, I think it will pay off. I, myself, never had a mother to come home from after school, as she had to work very hard to support my sister and I, however, I realize now how much I missed that. I use to be jealous of all the other kids that were able to come home to their mothers and I never did. Dont' get me wrong, I am not angry or upset with my mom for this, as it was the only way she could do it. Wow, here I sit with tears in my eyes, realizing I just made a connection with myself, about my knee, kids and my mom. Oh how I love these moments! Being at home also allows me to spend time with Tom when ever we can, as I am not tied down to a job.
As far as the eating disorder goes, I am still doing awesome, being in recovery is great! I still have my good and bad days, my ups and downs, just like everyone else! I still can struggle to, but as I said before, when "eating" or "body image" comes into place, it all boils down to "something bothering me", I just need to figure it out, most times I know very soon, but sometimes it takes me a while. Food does not interfere with my daily life. I still eat what I want, whenever I want, oh and that includes chocolate almost every day! This is the happiest I have been in my life and ultimately the most I have ever weighed....hmmm I wonder why?
My CFS for about the past year or so is back almost on a daily basis. I am always tired and yes I do get frustrated, but it is a part of my life that I have accepted and I have to "listen" to my body, and that goes for my knee as well. So I do what I can when my body permits. Oh, sometimes I am stubborn and push myself, and yes I will pay for it later, but thats OK, just means I am frustrated with it all and thats allowed!!
All in all, things are going very well for me. I am happy with myself, I love myself and I have a wonderful husband who loves me, for me, and 3 beautiful children who show me daily about life and I see their smiles everyday! Tom has taught me so much since I met him, but the one thing that stands out the most, is his positive thinking, when things are bad he looks at the positive. We have our ups and downs too, but we try very hard to always talk about them, and never give up. Tom I love you with all my heart, today, tomorrow, forever! (your princess)
December 18, 2002 My CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) has been very strong lately for me, about a year now and I was also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia as well about 8 months ago.
For those who don't know what fibro is, I will give you a short lesson on it. Basically my muscles in my body are sore all the time, they ache and I get very tired as well. I find some things, just daily things, very hard to do sometimes. My knee is not any better and it has been over 3 years since the accident. Through all of this tho, I still have been able to eat and be as happy as I can be. Yes, I have my down days, especially when I am really sore and tired, but I have the support from my husband and when I am very bad I just try to take it easy and rest.
Last nite I did a talk to a group of people who are in recovery. What I talk about is my experience with my eating disorder. I am always so proud and honoured to speak to people about this, as I know when I was in recovery I had no one that I knew who was where I was or to ask someone whats it like now, is there really a lite at the end of the tunnel.
As I mentioned above I am doing fine, appart from my health problems. My life is wonderful, my kids and husband are wonderful and our dog Kimo has been a great asset to the family, challenging at times, but a joy to have around. I hope to return to work next year sometime, but I will have to find the right job, as I can't stand for long periods of time with my knee or it will swell too much. I am still learning about myself, accepting changes within myself and my body. I still have my good and bad days, but I know when I am having my "fat day" that something is bothering me and I can usually figure it out, but if not, I talk with my husband and then if that doesn't work I go and see Lynn my therapist from before. Some days body image is harder for me then others, but I realize that my body is changing all the time and since I am in peri-menopause, it changes even more. One thing I still know for sure, is that starving myself and not eating will not solve my problems, it will just make it worse.
Besides I have worked so hard for where I am today, I will NOT give that back to anorexia.
I hope all of you will keep fighting for your life. I believe everyone can do it, if you want it bad enough. We all deserve a happy, healthy eating disorder free life!
It has definitely been a very long time since I updated my life. For that I appologize, but running a household with 3 kids, a 110 pound dog and a wonderful husband, takes alot of my time up. My health has not been the greatest lately either.
November 25, 2003
Yes, its been a year since I last updated this part of my web site. Most of it has been from being so exhausted all the time with my CFS and FM, as well as running a household! People who have these illnesses, can find anything can be tiring, even daily things. At times I do feel this way myself, so the thought of sitting down to write in my site isn't there as I would rather be sleeping. However, I have been thinking for a month or so, that I do want to write in here, so that is what I am doing today.
I have just recently finished a CFS and FM recovery group. I certainly learned more about myself and about the illnesses. We were given info about how to better manage our illnesses, as well as learning mind body therapy, meditation and more. Since the beginning of the group, I have improved on a few things, not as much as I thought I would, but then as time went on I realized there is no magic pill that will instantly cure me, just like I thought when I was in recovery for my anorexia. I am certainly not as sore as I used to be, and I was able to go off of a few medications that were wearing me down, this is my biggest accomplishment that I got from the group. There are still a few more things that I would like to do, but in time I will get them. I have learned I need to pace myself more. I seem to try to do everything in one day, especially if I am having a good day where I feel energized, and thats what most ppl seem to do. They have a great day and want to do everything cuz they have missed so much on the days they couldn't move. I am no exception to this, but I have definitely learned to slow down. This has been a real challenge for me thats for sure. On our last meeting of the group we shared the things that inspired us, for me it was my family, but most importantly, that if I can be in recovery for 8 years with my anorexia, then I know darn well I can be in recovery for my CFS and FM. Yes, I am in recovery for that now, but I still have a long way to go, and once I no longer feel the exhaustion I feel now, then I will know I have accomplished my goal.
There still has been no change with my knee and on that note, I realize even more now that my life has to go on, so I am contemplating going back to school to learn to become a pharmacy technician. And even tho I will have to stand to do that job, I know my knee will be sore and swollen, but I hope to get a very good brace that will help with that. I am eager to do something for me now, now that my children are growing up. I also know that I want to go back to work, but not just any job.
My eating disorder recovery is still going good. Ya, I have my good and bad days, but thats part of the recovery road. With the peri-meno I am in (still), body image has still been very hard on me, I have gained wt and I am still getting used to it. Some days are better then others, and some days I am able to accept my body and some I am not. This is probably the toughest part for me right now. But I haven't given in to the e.d., I am still working very hard on that. But as you all know, it would be so easy to just go back. What stops me you ask? The hard work I have done within myself, my family, the things I risk losing, thinking of my days when I was in the hospital in recovery and the hell it is to get out. Yes, it is worth it to keep fighting. I will say that over and over and over to all of you, including myself, because I truly believe it.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. I will keep updating this part as much as I can.
April 19, 2005
I must apologize for the VERY long time since I have written about how I am doing. The fibromylagia and cfs for the last few years have taken a toll on my life. I have been coping with it ever since and trying to do what I can.
I have come to realize even more that both of these (fibro and cfs) are a part of my life and that I need to adjust my life according to how I am feeling. Some days are better then others, but its here to stay. Life, for me, also has to go on.
On that note I am now working and have been since October 2004. I am in customer service and at times my job can be very physical. Yes, most days I come home tired and very sore, but I truly enjoy what I am doing and it has helped me in more ways then I could have imagined! It feels great to get out of the house and be more then just a "mom" and "wife". I love working with the public and helping people. I am a much happier person since working. And of course it helps financially. I do, however, know my limits at work and I know when to say "no" I can't take an extra shift.
As far as the eating disorder goes, I am still doing just fine. I have lost weight since I have been working and so I am extremely careful not to get caught up in that "feeling" of how it feels. Because I know if I did, before I know it, I would be down that road again - of being sick and losing weight. As I have said before, I have worked too hard for where I am today, to just let it go and give in to anorexia. I am proud of what I have accomplished.
Life is good for me. My family is wonderful and supporting. My kids are growing up fast. I am happy to be alive and to continue with my on-going process of recovery. It feels great to be in power and in control of my own life.
Never ever give up on your own fight to win over an eating disorder. I know how difficult it is, being there myself, but it is sooooo worth it. You CAN do it! I believe that, in anyone! Take care everyone!
