More Of My Journal Entries
I would like to share with you a piece I wrote, I am taking a page
from the first journal I started writing about my feelings.
Wednesday, Nov.23/94 (One week after I was released from my first hospital stay)I had all mybreakfast. It's 1:10pm and I feel fat. My stomach is huge & I feel like I have been eating all day. I ate more dinner than I wanted, but in my head I know its OK, but I still feel bad. I still feel fat & I know how many calories I've had (1000). I'm still yelling at the kids & I've thought about nothing else but food, my weight and eating. Well I blew it!!!! I had a snack. A honey bran muffin, few nuts & a few chocolate covered raisins. I don't feel good about myself. I'll do better tomorrow!!
It's so hard to believe that 4 years ago all I wrote about was food, weight & body image. I've come so far since then. Yes, there are still times when I feel like that, but it doesn't last very long & I know now, that when those feelings come up, something inside me is bothering me. I stop to figure out what it is & then work with it.
Sunday November 15, 1998
To this day I am doing & feeling much better. I have 3
important people in my life (other than my family) who have
supported & encouraged me to get well (and still do), Linda
Lauritzen, a nurse clinician, from St. Paul's Hospitals Eating
Disorder Clinic, Dr. Patricia Howitt, my family physician &
Lynn Redenbach, my therapist. I'm happy, enjoy being with
my family. I am also working part time & I speak out about
eating disorders to schools etc. Food is no longer my enemy.
Please, don't give up. We deserve to have a happy, healthy,
eating disorder free life!!!
Just to let you all know that when I use Xlbs, it's because I do not like the competion with
the number thing! I have learned to stay away from that, so I don't want any of you to feel like you would
have to compete with my numbers. St. Pauls Hospital, is the hospital I went to for my treatment, both in and
out patient.
Dec. 5/94
I'm Xlbs. I don't want to be Xlbs. I go to St. Paul's. I did good. Nothing more than my bran muffin.
St. Pauls was O.K. I still don't know if I want to go to the hospital. It's 9:00pm and all I've done since
5:00pm is eat. Probably 1000 calories. I HATE myself. I have binged and now I want to get rid off it.
Dec. 7/94
I'm Xlbs. due to the fact I had diarrea all night. I like this weight, it's lower than yesterday.
I have a flat stomach!! I just had 2 whole wheat pieces of bread (100calories). I do want to do better today and NOT eat.
I ate a croissant and I flipped. I called Sandy crying. It's 4:00pm and I'm eating my bran muffin. I feel like I have
been eating all day. I yelled at Craig and he asked me why I was always mad. I lost it inside and called Sandy. I'm
a walking time bomb. I went to see Dr. Howitt, she always helps.
Dec.17/94
Xlbs. I want to eat but I don't want to GAIN weight. I will delay my muffin as usual and try not to eat anything
else till 4:00pm. I did pretty good for eating. I went out with some friends.
Dec. 20/94
Xlbs. I started out wanting to restrict but as my day has gone I have binged. I will get rid of it, but I will
also try and stick to my menu plan tomorrow as I really want to.
Dec. 22/94
Xlbs. I knew it would drop!!! I will try and eat the same as yesterday. My lunch was OK. I felt fine after. I'm
home and I had 2 small date squares. I feel OK. I want to get rid of it, but then I don't. It's OK for me to eat. I keep
telling myself that.
Jan. 5/95
I am X-Xlbs. I HATE IT. It's too HIGH!! I will go back to not eating. I'm so tired. I have no energy to fight anymore
and I don't want to!!
Jan. 11/95
X-Xlbs. That's OK!! I don't want to eat until 1-2pm today. OK, I just had 3 crackers and 3 pieces of cheese. I feel so
guilty. I shouldn't have had them. I will only have my bran muffin today. I feel so guilty eating at 8:30pm. I really wasn't much
but I wasn't supposed to!!
This next entery was written the day after I went into St. Pauls Hospital, for their 3 week in patient program.
Jan. 20/95
Yesterday was unbelieveable. So much was happening. I was so SCARRED!! They weighed me at Xlbs. I freaked out!!! Today Dr. Birmingham
did my skin folds. I don't like the number. All I feel I have been doing is eating, I hate it. I won't tell them I'm exercising or still having
diarrea. At least they can't CONTROL that. I hate you anorexia. I wish you would die!! They want me to gain so much, and the amount of calories
is out of this world. Lunch did not go well. We had group and then went over my meal plan for Sun. and Mon. I had real bad chest pains and a
panic attack. I flipped out. I didn't eat all my lunch and then that was it, I started crying. It was wrong for me to eat, I shouldn't have.
One of the nurses talked with me. It was ok, but I don't think they really understand. Dinner is here, and I have been flipping. I just had my
med's but I am so scarred. There is so much to eat. Why do we have to eat so much?????????
My heart is starting to pound again. I'm so scarred. Dinner turned out better than I thought. I ate most of it and then replaced. At least I didn't
end up crying like at lunch.
I would like to share with you a piece I wrote about my relationship with anorexia.
Sept. 8/98
Dear Anorexia
I have come a long way since the first day we met. I don't need you nearly as much as I did before, and that's a good thing. For so long I have hated you,
and now the hate has lessened. I think I am beginning to understand you and why I needed you so much. I also feel that we are both trying to trust each other and believe me I know how difficult that
is. That "TRUST" word does not come easily to me or should I say it didn't come easily to me. I am beginning to see that you can trust people in this world, have relationships
where people don't abandon me, or leave me. I don't want you to be a part of my life anymore, but I don't know if that is possible. I will have to deal with that. I realize that for the past 20 years I really needed
you. You never left me, you made me feel safe, I could always count on you, you gave me power and control when I needed it, but you did this in a very DESTRUCTIVE AND HARMFUL way to me.
That's where the anger comes in and why I hated you so much. The arguments we would have in my head nearly killed me. I could no longer take them which is why I got help!!
You made me do things that are DISGUSTING like, abuse laxatives, loose a lot of weight, lie to everyone (including myself, be secretive, isolate from everyone (and the one that hurts the most from isolation is my kids, they
never had a mother for a long time), I was always angry and hungry, you made me starve myself, you made me have medical conditions from the eating disorder (some I still have), I felt worthless, had no self-esteem, and my recovery
has been one of the most hardest things in my life to go through. I nearly lost everything because of you, including my life!!
How could you do this to someone? ME or ANYONE for that matter. You take lives away and don't even care because you are still out there grabbing on to someone else. YOU should be ASHAMED of yourself, not "us" feeling guilt and shame.
I was 16 when you came into my life, you had no right to!! I was just a kid!! Now, for the past 20 years of my life, I have done nothing but live with you, fight with you, and not even know who I am. You have taken 20 years of my life,
and I had no choice about it. Now, for the past 4 years, I have been trying to get rid of you, so you can't hurt me anymore, (I have had enough hurt in my lifetime.) I would like to do this in a positive way, not a destructive way like you did.
I can't say I forgive you completely, but I am trying to understand you and why I still need you at times. I am NOT a bad person (like you said I was), and if you would only let yourself see that, along with all the wonderful people I have met thru my recovery
process. They really do care about ME, not what I look like or how much I weigh. It's "ME" they care about. The INSIDE stuff.
And do you know what a wonderful feeling that is, to have someone care about me, for ME.
I don't have to be THIN to be LOVED!! I don't need your protection anymore, nor, do I have to pretend to be someone else. I know in the 20 years you have been around, that through that time, I needed you to protect me, let me feel safe and worthy
of myself, but I don't need that anymore from you. I can protect myself (in a healthy way), and I am beginning to love myself and find out who I am. I know I will continue NOT to need you as much, because even when you do come back in my life for a while, you don't stay
around long enough to do any damage, a choice that is mine!! I won't give back to you all the hard work I have done in letting fo of you. You can't have it.
It's mine. I guess this letter is GOOD-BYE!! Please leave me alone, I don't need you anymore or want you in my life! You have hurt me 20 years too much. This is now my life, not yours! One I have worked VERY HARD to build. I deserve a happy, healthy,
ANOREXIA FREE LIFE!!
Jan. 23/95
Breakfast is here and I am going to do real good and eat everything. I hope to have a good day today. I ate all my breakfast and I was stuffed.
I still don't know why we need to eat so much. I felt so full. What I would give for a laxative now. I didn't eat all my lunch, but I replaced. We went
for a walk. That was so good. I ate all my dinner and boy did I feel guilty. Then I came back to my room and cried. I am the only one that eats everything
and its wrong. The other 3 purge and/or just don't eat. I'm so angry I want to go home. It's 8:30pm, I had my snack, even tho I wasn't hungry. I'm going
to talk to Ellen (a nurse on the ward). We had a nice talk. She's convinced me to stay and to make a list of reasons to eat and reasons to be here. If
it wasn't for her, I'd be gone!!!
Jan. 24/95
Breakfast was good. I ate it all and only feel a little full. I don't feel as guilty today about it. I do deserve to get better and eat healthy and
to hell with the other 3. If they don't want to get better, that's their problem. We had a group meeting, that was ok. I made some calls to arrange help
for the kids. I feel really angry and depressed. Dinner will be here soon and I am scarred as there are new things to try. I so much want to go home to get
things back on track, but I know I'm not ready as I would just go back to not eating. Boy did the chicken scare me. I had about 4 mouthfulls and then I couldn't
look at it. I replaced it with peanut butter. I ate everything and I have mixed feelings. I know I need to eat in order to get better. I have had chest pains
all day. I am sure it is from stress. I just finished my snack. I had an extra muffin so I guess that's called a binge? It gets easier to eat at nite. I don't
want to be in and out of hospitals. I don't have time for that. I will get better. I deserve it!!
Jan. 27/95
Slept lousy. Breakfast wasn't very good. I felt so guilty. I shouldn't have finished it. I'm going back to exercising. I want to get rid of all this food.
It's wrong to eat and bad!!! We have group this morning. I didn't eat all my lunch but I was too full. I'll still gain, I know it. Had my chest pain again, they
gave me some nitro and it stopped the pain. They did a cardiogram and Dr. Birmingham came back and said it was ABNORMAL so now I am on bed rest, and a cardiologist
is coming to see me. The kids came to see me, they didn't stay long, but it was nice to see them, I really miss them. Dinner is here. I didn't eat the same at dinner
as at lunch especially with the ensure. I am certainly full. I still don't want to eat and wish I didn't have to. My snack I had but not the ensure. That is something
I will not have if I can help it.
Feb. 8/95
It's wicked Wednesday. I weigh X pounds. I didn't think I would weigh that much, but it is fluid. My skin folds are down from X% to X%. Basically Dr. B said I was
on maintenance. That I don't have to gain more weight, but I cannot loose any more. I hear him but then I don't. Breakfast was OK. I didn't finish 1 protein and I am not
replacing any more. Dr. Howitt is supposed to come in. I'm not holding my breath. It's 3:30pm. I was right she didn't come. Lunch was OK. I didn't finish or replace. I did
have my snack!! I still feel fat. I have no idea what will hold for me when I go home. I will stay off the EXLAX but I can't promise to eat 100%. Part of me doesn't want to.
I'm still fighting anorexia!! I have decided not to go to D5 or D4 until March. (D5 & D4 are programs at that time that St. Pauls offered to eating disorder patients) I'm not
ready for it. I would like to know if I will be able to eat. I have learned not to set myself up. Have realistic goals, so I don't feel like a failure. If I don't achieve
all of my goals its OK. Look at my successes. Dinner will be here soon. It was filling and I am starting to get full again. "WE" battled back and forth again about a snack.
I had one but didn't feel good about it.
Feb. 9/95
I am going home today. I slept OK. Breakfast was OK, just filling again. Our group was on nutrition. I learned alot. Ate everything at lunch even my margarine. Now
I am waiting for my X. It feels nice to be home. I didn't know where to start. Dinner was good, only a little awkward. I really wanted to step on the scale. I had a hard time
having a snack. I felt very guilty having it. Anorexia is so powerful now, that I am at home. I'm not going to follow my meal plan 100%. It just doesn't feel right. Hopefully,
I'll sleep well.
Feb. 10/95
Slept pretty good. I dreamt about food and eating. Got all the kids dressed and fed and I ate a little bowl of cereal. I REALLY want to stand on the scale and I also
want too loose weight and skin folds by Monday. I wish anorexia would get out of my head. I talked to Dawn (a lady I met at St. Pauls when I was in the hospital). Its really
nice to have someone to talk to who knows exactly how I feel. She told me to get rid of the scale. I don't know why but I can't. I'm already restricting and counting calories.
I've had 1000 today. I can't stop thinking about food and I am having a very hard time fighting anorexia. It is so strong. I feel guilty when I eat and I didn't have a snack
after dinner so I wouldn't have any more calories or food. I feel so fat!!! My stomach is so gross, its sticking out. I look pregnant. Even my X thought my stomach was gross.
He also nagged me about my coffee intake and asked if I ate dinner (as he was at the bank). Nothing has changed. He still doesn't HEAR me or understand.
Feb. 12/95
I still feel fat. I am waiting for the laxitives to work that Dr. Howitt gave me. My stomach really hurts. They worked!! I am so tired I think I will lie down.
Gran (my X's) came by, she brought the kids a valentines gift, and a small "get well" gift for me. Slippers and Chocolate. I FREAKED on the
chocolate. Don't these people understand "FEAR FOOD". I wish I hadn't had the muffin, (even tho it was only a small one), I felt I binged
and was overfull. Tomorrow I "weigh" in. A big part of me wants to loose. I still want to stand on my scale. I won't have anything else to
eat tonite, maybe that will help me weigh less. I have only had 800 calories today. I may not be eating much, but I am having 3 meals. I wish anorexia would just go away.
This is such HARD work and I am TIRED of the voice insided ME battling away.
Feb. 16/95
I slept ok. Didn't step on the scale, but I want to!! What I don't know won't hurt me, so THEY say. I just finished eating some granola things, it's 8:15pm. I really
shouldn't have eaten them. I'm not supposed to eat after dinner & now I hate myself and feel fatter!!!! I'll do better. I have had 900 calories
today. I have to get rid of this food!!
Feb. 23/95
I am still dreaming about food. I walked my son to school. Came home and then did aerobics. I am excercising to burn calories. WE
have found a new way to purge because WE are not going to get fat. I am isolating myself from everyone again and I am slipping back to
anorexia. I don't know how to stop it. Protein is now a "fear food" and I have to get rid of it. Had very little for lunch and for dinner. Had 700 calories today. I won't
eat anything else.
Feb. 24/95
Had a lousy sleep. Took a long time to fall asleep & thin I woke up at 3:00am & had a hard time falling back to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about
FOOD and St. Pauls etc. I know I'll be tired all day as I have no energy now & i still have to vaccum. Got everyone breaky & I had the usual. I was sure tired
after vaccuming. Got the kids lunch, then me, (my usual). Cleaned up & put Brent to bed & headed off to my moms. Fed Craig and Justine again, & I had a couple
of crackers. The natual laxative really kicked in all day, I feel good about that. I did some exercising at mom's and I weighed myself there. I really want to
lose weight by Monday. Then I'll stop restricting. I am slipping slowly. Anorexia is pulling at me all the time. I have been so tired all day with no energy
to do anything. We went out for dinner. I did OK. I had a salad & bagel. I hid a little while eating the bagel. I was uncomfortable. Mom and I hardly talked
about anything. I'm sure she feels guilty & uncomfortable her self. I did have a few fries and a taste of the chicken strip. I have had 900 calories today.
When I got home, I took more laxatives so I can get rid of everything.
The next page is more of my "early" journal entries. I didn't realize I had so many of them. I have another 4 more journals
to go, LOL. Which is why I decided to create a whole new page just for those!
When I began writing this, I had no idea it would turn out to be a good-bye letter, but it did, and it was much needed for me to do. I can see that now. I have done alot of healing from writing this, one that's been a long time coming!!
