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Lisa
As
I sit here at the computer trying to find the words to begin "my
story", I am overwhelmed at where to begin. There are bits
and pieces of a story in my journal entries, but those are scarce
and barely touch the surface of the complete experience. So, I'll
just let God help me move my fingers over the keys, and He will
make a success of this written work just as He did of my experience
with post-partum depression.
After months of rest and healthy eating, our twin boys (Adam and
Brandon) were born on June 22, 2000, There was extra concern during
the pregnancy for an early delivery, but at 39 1/2 weeks they were
born during a very easy delivery, Cory (my husband) and I were elated!
Two more sons to take home to big brother Evan who was 2. With no
family nearby to help us, Cory and I prepared for a lot of work!
Three to four weeks post-partum, I was simply exhausted. My mom
had been to help for one week, my grandmother for 3 days, and Cory's
parents were in and out. “Of course, you are exhausted, you
have twins!” It was just about the only thing I heard from
friends and family. But then it all started to change, I could not
sleep. The babies would sleep for several hours between feedings,
and I would lay awake dreading the next time they woke up. I didn't
eat. I lost all the weight from my pregnancy at 3 weeks post-partum
and was losing more by the week. I didn't laugh. Humor was gone
and I couldn't even find a way to smile at Evan or the babies. I
was forgetful. I could be in the shower for 10 or 15 minutes and
not have washed. I would walk around the house looking for something
but not knowing what. I began crying. I would feel the pressure
to cry building inside and would try to find a place to be alone.
I was anxious. When Cory would leave for work, the anxiety of being
alone with Evan and the babies was almost too much to bear. Some
days he couldn't even leave me or when he did I would call him to
come back home.
One night in particular I remember... I'd not been able to sleep
and it was around 1 or 2 in the morning. The tears and sobs were
coming and I didn't want to wake anyone up so I went outside and
cried sitting on my door step in the driveway. Something cracked
inside of me and I knew that I needed to talk, so I called my mom.
Mom had been awake and had a feeling that when the phone rang at
such an early hour that it was me. Having had a nervous breakdown
herself, Mom knew what I was feeling and that I needed some help.
Not just help with the boys, but help for myself. But I'm so confused!
How do I know what is wrong? Am I not just exhausted from twins
and a toddler? Changes in behavior that are noticed by my friends
and family are suggesting otherwise. Looking on the Internet about
post-partum depression, I found that I was experiencing many symptoms,
but still felt the denial. Cory supported me in attending a meeting
of A Lighter Shade of Blue, where I found that other women are experiencing
the same feelings. Now what do I do?? The only thing left was to
get over the fear of admitting I was sick and ask for some desperately
needed help!
With prayer and prodding, I called my OB and said that I had a problem.
Now this was not a simple phone call! Here I was the one whom everyone
said had it together (whatever "it" is). Independence
was one of my best assets. Luckily, my doctor was knowledgeable
of PPD and willing to treat it. We began treatment, not only with
medication, but a plan of action. Friends came into my home once
a week while I went out sometimes only to the grocery or alone with
Evan, but out of the house. My wonderful friend who rescued me so
many afternoons, encouraged me to join two small groups at our church.
And I began faithful participation in A Lighter Shade of Blue.
About 10 weeks post-partum, I begin to feel small changes inside.
They were very small. My husband said that he couldn't tell any
difference, but eventually the changes occurred. My ability to concentrate,
sleep and control anxiety became much stronger. As the holidays
approached, the "old Lisa" began to return. However, the
"old Lisa" was afar cry from what she'd been.
The "new Lisa" I would not trade back for the "old"
for anything. I developed a greater appreciation and deeper understanding
for everything. Spirituality has come into my life and reached deep
into my soul. Humility has replaced some of my pride and independence.
And I love it! God has a reason for everything! And He had a reason
for my PPD. He wanted me more focused on Him and service to others.
Of that I'm certain.
Had God not intervene in my situation, I would still be suffering
today. Yet, I'm here fully recovered, able to share a witness to
the powerful healing of the Holy Spirit. Some would say that my
case of PPD was mild, and maybe it was. Some would say I was lucky
to have an understanding husband, and thank goodness I did. But
it was PPD and mild or not, lucky or not, it needed to be treated
before the situation worsened.
Reading this, you must in some way be touched by PPD. My most sincere
prayers are with you. Please reach out before you or someone you
loves fall too far. You will be amazed by healing you thought didn’t
exist.
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