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Ann
My
story of PPD is somewhat different than most mothers suffering from
this disease. One year prior to becoming pregnant I began
suffering from panic attacks. At the time they began I had
no idea what they were. Finally, after about three months
of suffering through once weekly or bi-weekly attacks I decided
to go to my family doctor. She prescribed Paxil, took some
blood tests, and sent me home. I ended up in the emergency
room 2 days later and decided I needed more help. Through
my father's referral, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist
and began therapy and continued on the Paxil. After a couple
months of therapy, I discovered, among other things, that contemplating
motherhood somewhat scared me. Eventually, the panic attacks
went away and I discontinued therapy and medication.
I
became pregnant the following summer. My husband and I both
were ready and had discussed parenthood at length. I had a
few bouts of anxiety (no panic attacks though) during the 1st trimester
and took Paxil during that time. I was determined to get off
the medication as soon as possible and stopped my 4th month.
Having
been reading books and articles on mental illness since my panic
attacks began, I was aware I was susceptible to PPD. I gave
birth to my daughter, Madeleine, on Jan. 22, 1999. Pregnancy
was completely normal and labor and delivery were relatively easy,
although the baby eventually had to be delivered by forceps.
I
had planned a 4-month maternity leave. I thoroughly enjoyed
my new role as a mom. I had no symptoms of anxiety or depression.
I even mentioned to my sister-in-law- "Knock on wood, maybe I'll
be lucky and not have to go through PPD."
My
PPD symptoms started about one month after I returned to work.
The anxiety, hot, prickly skin sensations, loss of concentration
and loss of appetite were all familiar to me. In addition,
I had overwhelming feelings of concern about Madeleine's well
being while I was at work, although I didn't want to be with her.
I dreaded picking her up after work because then I would have to
listen to her cry. I dreaded weekends when I had to spend
2 whole days in a row with her. When I was at work, I felt
much better, more in control. Since I knew what was happening,
I immediately called my psychiatrist and began therapy and medication
again. I was not happy about my situation, but I knew it was
what I had to do.
It
took about 3 months to get the PPD under control. I started
attending A Lighter Shade of Blue meetings one month after my symptoms
returned. Rachael and all the other moms are great-it's extremely
helpful to know others share your symptoms and you aren't alone.
I'm
still taking Paxil and go to therapy occasionally when things get
tough. I attend A Lighter Shade of Blue meetings mostly to
help other moms with PPD, but also to get post PPD pick-me-ups when
I need them. I am also the webmaster for our web page-its
my way of giving back to Rachael and all the other moms that helped
me, and to those future moms who will need our help.
I
love my beautiful daughter, Maddie; she is such a joy to watch.
I think I will always struggle with my pre-motherhood self image
and my post-motherhood role, but in the end, PPD has made me a stronger
person. I'm much more aware of the small joys in life and
those things that make it worth living-like Maddie!
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