"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." Was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held up a lighted match to demonstrate: Chet began to sing:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: " Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
The girl takes off the bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children you know." Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa..., Please... Stay." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way !!!
1) A Christmas tree is always erect.
2) Even small ones give satisfaction.
3) A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4) It looks good - even with the lights on.
5) A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6) A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7) You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past it's sell by date.
8) You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
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