DAZZLIN' DEREK'S JOKEPAGE

"Billigan's Island,"
(Sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")

Oh sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started in Hope, Arkansas
'Tween Jennifer Flowers' hips.

Her date was the mighty governor,
Bill Clinton was his name.
One night he met young Paula Jones
And on to her he came.
And on to her he came.

Whitewater started getting rough.
His mighty thing was lost.
If not for the help of the Highway Patrol,
He couldn't get it off,
He couldn't get it off.

Willie left town and settled
in this gorgeous new White House
With Hillary...
that damn cat too...
The Vice President and his wife...
Kenneth Starr...
and a bed...
Here at Slick Willie's Place!

So this is the tale of our President,
He shows nothing now but class.
Nothing can distract him
Except a piece of ass.
Except a piece of ass.

The First Lady and Tipper too
Will do their very best
To see that Willie's comfortable
In his government love nest.
In his government love nest.

He moves, he strikes, he reels them in,
He feels the passion burn.
Before she knows just what is up,
He's banged the new intern.
He's banged the new intern.

So join us here in court my friend,
I'm sure you will be pleased.
Just give your deposition now
And get down on your knees.

"Hillbillies In The White House,"
(Sung to the "Beverly Hillbillies" Theme)

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill
Da poor President couldn't keep his "willie" still
But den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Her mouth wide open and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "Oh yeah, mama, now just don't say a thing,"
"If you do a real good job then we'll have a little fling."

B.J., that is. Phalli osculation. Stars and Stripes Forever.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. Air Force One.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Tape recorder. Fine clothes.

Well it didn't take too long until we all knew the score,
'bout all da stuff dat went down dere behind da oval door,
Now da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More!"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Tennessee Al. Mister Tipster.

So now ya know da story 'bouta Bill our President,
Still wonderin' if dis fling is gonna cost him every cent.
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And only show your Air Force One within your family.

The Clinton Blues:

When I wake up in the morning
Don't want no coffee or tea
Just give me a few minutes
With Monica Lewinskyyyy...

Cuz' I'm the President, baby
And I break all the rules
I am the United States President caught
In the sex scandal blues.

"The Degrading Bunch"
(sung to the theme song of "The Brady Bunch")

Heres the story
of a horny lady.
Who was thinking up
some very evil scemes.
All of them were,
aimed at the president.
Who was horny too, it seems.

Heres the story,
of a guy named Billy.
Who was president of the U.S, of A.
He was busy, dodging Whitewater.
He was lonely and that's ok.

Then one day the lady
met this fellow.
And now the country
is really in a mess.
Perhaps this all would have
just blown over.
Had he not stained that dress.

He stained that dress.
He stained that dress.

The country's in a mess,
'cause he stained that dress.

"Takin' Care of Business,"
(sung to the tune of "Takin' Care of Business")

As I get up every morning
Hillary's glares are sure alarming
Getting caught now would surely be a pity
It's the oral sex I love
And Still is pushin', Still is shovin'
Girls are lining up for me, looking pretty

And if Monica's on time
She'll be below my desk by nine
And start my cushy job my favorite way
And I never get annoyed
Cause I'm publically-employed
I love to work at nothing all day

And I'll be...
Taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way
I've been taking care of business, sex all the time
Taking care of business & sneaking over lines
Work out

If it were easy getting bent'
Then we'd all be president
And could mold some young intern just like jello
Add a hand rolled cigar
Chances are she'll go too far
If you get in with the right bunch of fellows
Voters never have to know
How you savor every blow
Never tell them that you did it this way
It's the truth that we avoid
We're all selfishly employed
We love to work at nothing all day

And we be...
Taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way
I've been taking care of business, sex all the time
Taking care of business and scamming overtime

Take good care
Of my business
When I'm away
Every day
Whoo!

Summer Intern
(Sing along to the "Summer Lovin" theme from Grease)

Bill:"Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica:"White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill:"Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica:"Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill:"Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights"

Grand Jury:"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Tripp:"Try to remember your best"
Grand Jury:"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Starr:"Did he come on your dress?"
Grand Jury:Uh-huh....Uh-huh...Uh-huh....
Grand Jury:Uh-huh....Uh-huh....Uh-huh....

Bill:"Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica:"The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
Bill:"She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica:"I said OK, just don't come in my mouth"
Bill:"Summer days, gobbling away, oh, I, but those summer nights"

Grand Jury:"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Tripp:"He sounds like a swell guy"
Grand Jury:"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Starr:"Did he tell you to lie?"

(Slower now)

Bill:"Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica:"He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill:"She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica:"Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica:"Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams

But.........oh
Those White House Nights"

Pretty Fly For A President
(sing it to the song "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by Offspring)

You know its kinda hard just to have affairs today,
Our subject isn't cute, but he thinks it anyway,
He may have a wife, and a really cheesy smile,
But all that sex with Monica....
He in total DENIAL!
So don't debate,
He keeps it straight,
You know he always, got it everyday.
He copped a feel,
and kept it real,
For Hil no way, for Hil no way,
He thought his trick,
Was pretty slick,
Until Mon got caught messin with his dick,
Now that's just the beginnig you see, so
Hey! Hey! do that sexy thing!
Give it to me Billy..... Uh Huh Uh Huh
Give it to me Billy..... Uh Huh Uh Huh
Give it to me Billy..... Uh Huh Uh Huh
"And all the interns say I'm pretty fly for a president"

Now he's gettiin a Blo Job Oh Yeah,
He's gettin it done,
He thought she was 16,
But she's really 21!
Friends say its really just cool,
To suck the Pres' dick,
But the rest of the world,
Just thinks it's pretty sick!

Give it to me Billy..... Uh Huh Uh Huh
Give it to me Billy..... Uh Huh Uh Huh
Give it to me Billy..... Uh Huh Uh Huh
"And all the interns say I'm pretty fly for a president."