Chapter One
Katherine set her keys on the table in the entry way with a sigh. It was still hard for Katherine to face the majority of the people that she ran into on a day to day basis. Everyone was either scornful, condescending or smug now that they thought that they had proof of her misdeeds. Over the past five months the snide comments, furitive whispers, and mocking looks had grown increasingly more common. Everyone who had ever disapproved of Katherine in the slightest was now telling everybody they knew that they had, "Always known she was no good..."
It wasn't really those hurtful comments from strangers that bothered Katherine. It was the fact that even those people that she had considered to be friends had turned against her. Edward, Mac, even Robin, who had called her from Paris to express her feelings, had not even asked to hear her side of the story. They had simply believed Nikolas.
After it became apparent that Katherine was not pregnant, Nikolas and Liz had bad-mouthed her to everyone who would listen.
It hadn't taken long for Katherine to figure out that she was the hottest topic of conversation in Port Charles. People that she had only had a nodding acquaintance with began to feel the urge to tell her what an awful and manipulative person she was.
One man had even said that she was the kind of woman who gave other women a reputation for being man-eaters. That comment had really hit close to home. Katherine reluctantly admitted to herself that the reason it hurt so much was because it was so close to the truth.
Only two people she knew had not been treating Kat like a piece of scum. Tony Jones and Bobbie Spencer had been her life preserver in the storm that had become her life lately.
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It was a cold day in December when Nikolas came to her penthouse and demanded to know if she was pregnant. With a sigh that Nikolas interpreted as defeat, she told him that no, she was not pregnant. He had immediately gone off on her about manipulating him.
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"I can't believe how truly sick you are Katherine," Nikolas practically yells. "
JTelling me that you were going to have my baby has been the last straw. You had better stay the hell away from me from here on. I don't want to see you in the same restaurant as me. If we are walking towards each other on the street, I will cross to the other side." Nikolas looks at Katherine with a look of disgust and opens the door to leave then adds, "That includes Liz, Laura, and my father. I don't want you to bother them. Just crawl back under whatever rock you managed to get out from."
The slam of the door breaks Katherine's control and she begins to sob with a deep and agonizing grief that was previously unknown to her.
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The day after her visit from Nikolas people had begun to shun her. The worst encounter had been between her and Stefan today. Katherine had purposefully tried to avoid Stefan because she knew that his criticism would be bad, and she had been right. He hadn't been more rude than Liz or Emily. It had been the coldness in his eyes that had made it the hardest thing for her to handle. He had simply told her that he was surprised at how much he had misjudged her when they were together. The last cutting remark that he had spoken to her had been, "I'm don't regret much about my life, it's a waste of time, but I do regret that I encouraged you and Nikolas to become close. You took advantage of that closeness and mananged to seduce my son away from his family and everything he had held dear to him. Thanks to you, he will never be the same. He'll always carry around his hurtful experience with you throughout his life. That is one of my deepest regrets, that I allowed you to hurt Nikolas in any way."
After her encounter with Stefan, the urge to talk to someone had been so strong that she had headed over to the Brownstone to talk with Bobbie, one of the few people who she thought wouldn't tell her that her deserved everything she had gotten.
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"Katherine?" Bobbie looked surpried to find her standing at her doorstep. She quickly opened the door and ushered her inside though, when she got a look at Katherine's face. "Are you okay? You look terrible." "Bobbie, I'm so sorry to show up without calling, but I took the chance that you would be in and just stopped by. I hope you don't mind." A little tremble could be heard in Kat's voice and Bobbie quickly reassured her that it was no probelm at all. "I just wanted to be around someone who knows the truth. Almost everyone thinks that I faked my pregnancy to hold on to Nikolas. You and Tony are the only two people I know who know that I really was pregnant and that the only reason I'm not a mother now is because of Laura Spencer.
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Bobbie had tried to be a comfort to Katherine but it just hadn't worked. It hadn't taken long for Katherine to realize that Bobbie wasn't the person she wanted to be talking to about her problems. The only people that she had ever really been able to confide her secrets to had been her mother and Stefan, one was dead and the other wished she was. Putting those thoughts aside, she went over to the answering machine to check for messages. The light wasn't blinking, 'no big surprise there,' Kat thought with another self-pitying sigh.
A second later, in contradiction to her thoughts, the phone rings. She picks it up and hears Tony Jones on the other end of the line.
"Hello Katherine. It's Tony."
"I know. How are you?"
Tony's concern is evident in his voice as he answers, "I'm good. Thanks. The reason I'm calling though is to see how you are." There is a pause, "I wish you would change your mind about telling everyone the truth."
Katherine sits down on the arm of her couch and cradles the phone between her neck and shoulder. "I already told you Tony, it won't do any good. Nobody will even believe me."
"But if I..."
Interupting, "I just want to forget that I was ever pregnant to begin with."
"I understand how you feel but the problem is that the people of this town have long memories. It's hard to know when they'll stop hasseling you."
"I've got it under control."
"I can't stand seeing you in the position you're in. Bobbie and I both think that it is awful. You don't deserve the treatment you're receiving. You went through a terrible time Katherine and nobody realizes how strong and brave you were. I want to rectify that."
"I know that you are only doing this because you truly think it will help but I don't think that telling people that I miscarried me eighteen year old lover's baby will help matters much." Katherine wipes a single tear away from her cheek.
"But it will. If they only knew..."
"Tony, I've got to go. I have a dinner party to get ready for." In a the most formal voice she can muster, Katherine says, "Thank you so much for your concern but really you have no reason to worry. I have everything under control."
Tony says something else but she doesn't hear as she slowly lowers the phone to its cradle.
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Katherine really does have an appointment, she wasn't lying about that but it is not a dinner party. It's an appointment with Kevin Collins, who just recently got his license to practice back and had become engaged again to Lucy Coe. She has been seeing Kevin twice a week for two weeks to discuss her various problems. At first Kat hadn't thought that she would like talking about what happened but it really did help. So far she had only discussed her childhood and several other lesser things but she knew that today would be the day that they got to the real reason Katherine was in therapy.
Katherine had mixed feelings about telling Kevin about her miscarriage. One part of her wanted to keep it private. It was painful to not tell anyone but it was a pain that she realished. It seemed like a kind of penance for her sins. Every tear that she cried reminded Katherine that her baby, who she imagined would have been a little girl, had died due to her actions. At her lowest point, usually at night when there were no distractions to block out her thoughts, Katherine thought about how she had killed her baby, maybe the only one she'll ever have.
Another part of her wanted to get all of those feelings of fear and self-loathing off her chest so that she could start over and maybe make herself into a better person. Katherine knew it would be hard but she wanted to try, to get back to where she started to go wrong and take a different road this time.
She arrived at Kevin's building and only had to wait for a couple minutes before she was shown into his office. They were just finishing with the obligatory pleasantries and Katherine was trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to say when the door to the office opened suddenly. Lucy burst in with her usual exuberance but stopped cold when she saw who was sitting in the comfortable leather chair opposite of Kevin's desk.
"Doc I...Katherine? What are you doing here?" When she learned of Katherine's tricking Nikolas into thinking she was pregnant, Lucy had actually been disappointed. Beneath all their rivalry she had always respected Kathy, but that was impossible after hearing what she did to the Cassadine kid. Before Katherine can think up a good excuse for being in Kevin's office, Lucy's lip curls slightly in disgust and she addresses Kevin, ignoring Katherine, "I can't believe the kind of people you have to deal with on a day to day basis Doc. It's really worries me. Some of your patients are down right criminal, you never know what kind of awful thing they will do."
Lucy's remark hits the exact mark she was aiming for and Katherine's face pales at the painful words. For a moment she just stares straight ahead, missing the dark glare that Kevin aims at his fiance. He is about to tell Lucy that she should leave when Katherine abruptely jumped up from her chair and rushed out the door.
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Her hasty flight from the office had been so sudden that Katherine had forgotten her purse, which had her car keys in it. When she realized what she had done, Kat decided that she couldn't face going back up there right away. Putting her hand over her eyes, Katherine thought about what a big change it was, a year ago she never would have let Lucy's prescense stop her from doing anything. Now however, the thought of going back up there was not even an option. Figuring that Lucy wouldn't be there long, Katherine decided that she would walk around until she could face returning.
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"Wow, Katherine really high-tailed it out of her fast. She must have had a date with her next dupe or something, " Lucy says to break the silence. Even she knows that her words aren't true though. She had gotten a good look at Katherine's face when she rushed out, but Lucy didn't want to admit that she might have hurt Katherine with her remark.
"Lucy, sometimes I can't believe your complete lack of sensitivity to others," Kevin said as he got up from his desk to go after Katherine.
"Doc, you know what she did to Nikolas Cassadine. I didn't say anything that she doesn't deserve." Lucy is feeling more and more ashamed of herself each moment she thinks about the look on Katherine's face, it had been a mixture of horror and despair.
"I don't care what she did. She was obviously here for a reason. She came to me for help and all she got was a sucker-punch to the gut by my fiance.
Lucy started to apologize but it was too late because Kevin was already out the door, after Katherine.
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Katherine ended up in front of a baby clothing store. The window display showed the most adorable blond baby girl in pink overalls with flowers embroidered all over them. The baby in the picture looked almost exactly like what she had been fantasizing that her baby would look like. Unaware of what she was doing, Katherine put her hand to the pane of the glass and traced the outline of the girl's sweet face.
That's where Kevin found her. Standing like a lost soul in from of "Baby, Baby, Baby". He knew as soon as he saw her that all those stories about her were untrue. The woman standing in front of him was not capable of the duplicitous scheme that Nikolas had accused her of.
"Katherine," he spoke her name softly, not wanting to startle her.
With a calmness that totally surprised Kevin, she turned around. Her face was a mask that did not show any emotion. "I don't think I should be your patient any longer Kevin. I think you can understand why."
"I do. I but I disagree. You came to me for help and so far, I haven't given you any. Please don't think that I share Lucy's opinions about you. You've only been coming to me for a couple sessions, but I know that you have something that you want to get off of your chest."
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She was torn. Katherine really did think that she could trust Kevin with her secret but she just wasn't sure after what Lucy had just said back in his office. They walked in silence back to the office building and Kevin went up to get her purse. In the few minutes that he was gone, Katherine made her decision.
"Kevin, I think you're right. I've decided to continue our sessions. I have been working up to talking about my problem for so long, and I don't want to abandon that. When do you think we can meet next?"
Kevin saw that Katherine really needed someone to confide in and he wanted to be that person. Part of it was guilt about Lucy but he also wanted to help her because he didn't like seeing this broken dejected Katherine. He remembered too well how brillantely she had shined before all of her troubles with the Cassadines began. If he could do anything to bring that Katherine back, it would be a great triumph. "We don't have to wait. It's late, yes, but since our other appointment was interrupted, why don't we conclude it now. We can go somewhere quiet and talk."
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Lucy stood just inside the building and watched Kevin and Katherine. Her curiousity had been peaked by Katherine's behavior earlier. She had excepted those stories about Kathy without even wondering if they were true and now she decided that she would find out once and for all if what the town was saying was true, or if it was a huge misunderstanding. As she watched, Kevin and Katherine began to walk down the street. Without even considering her actions, Lucy followed them. They ended up at the park. Kevin lead her to a secluded section and they sat down on a bench. Lucy was able to both see and hear them from her hiding place two yards away. She was shielded from their view by a tree and several bushes. Unmindful of her new leopard print skirt and sheer hose, Lucy knelt in the grass and waited to hear what was so disturbing to Katherine.
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The walk to the park had cleared Katherine's mind and she felt prepared to get into her story. One thing was still bothering her however. She couldn't seem to shake the feeling that they were being observed. She tried to put it out of her mind, but the feeling was too great. 'Of course', she thought to herself, 'I have been experiencing that feeling for months now. Maybe all those stares I've been receiving were making her paranoid.'
Kevin interrupted her thoughts by saying, "Okay, Katherine. We're all alone here. What would you like to discuss?"
Taking a deep breath Katherine said the words that she previously only heard in her head, but had wanted to say a hundred times a day, "I never lied to Nikolas. I was pregnant with his baby."
There was a long, deafening silence after those words. In the bushes nearby, Lucy couldn't believe her ears. Kevin was also stunned but he tried to keep an impassive face and he said, "Go on. Tell me what happened."
"Its really quite simple." Katherine swallowed the tears that were welling up in her throat and said, "I was going to have a baby, but because of my own actions, now I'm not. I miscarried my baby three months into the pregnancy."
In hiding, Lucy put a hand over her mouth to keep from crying out.
"It would have been a girl. In my dreams, she's always a little girl. Small, helpless, looking so much like me in my baby pictures. She is always crying in my dreams; looking at me with the bluest eyes I've ever seen and crying." Katherine gets up from the bench and walks a few feet and then back again. Her agitation is visible, almost as if she could shatter at any second.
"Katherine, I'm sure it wasn't your fault that you had a miscarriage," Kevin hates this part of the job, seeing the raw pain that loss inflicts on his patients and not having any concrete way to help them.
"I did though. It was my fault. It happened one day, six months ago. Nikolas had broken up with me a couple months before. I didn't want to let go of him however. When I told him I was pregnant he didn't believe me, I can't blame him for that. I would have done anything at that point to keep him, I was obsessed. My obsession with an eightten year old boy was so strong, that I practically stalked him and Elizabeth Webber. It wasn't a lie however. I was going to have his baby."
The last is said so earnestly that Kevin feels that he has to say something, "I believe you Katherine."
"Thank you. He didn't though. I was thrilled to be pregnant. It gave me a tie to Nikolas that could never be broken, not by Liz, Stefan, or even him. You see, that was all I saw the baby as: a way to hold on to Nikolas. It wasn't until later, that I realized how much I wanted a baby, someone who I could take care of, love, and someone who would put their trust in me. I probably wouldn't have been a good mother anyway, but I would have tried with everything I had in me. But that's all past now, it doesn't matter."
Hesitantly Kevin asks, "Can you tell me how it happened? How did you lose the baby?"
"I knew you would ask that. Yes. I can tell you."
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It was a clear day, almost perfect weather and Katherine was sitting in her office at Deception staring out the window. She should have been working, but all of a sudden an undeniable joy had swept over her and she had just wanted to enjoy the day for a couple minutes. Her simple pleasure had been interrupted by the beeping of her intercom.
"Miss Bell, I tried to stop her. I did, but she insisted on..."
Katherine's attention was taken away from her secretary's voice when her double office door flew open simultaneously.
"This is the last time you're going to manipulate any of my children Katherine," Laura said in nearly hysterically high-pitched voice.
Starring at Laura, her hair loose from it's barrette, her eyes livid, and her face slightly red, Katherine felt a moment of terror that she never would have thought that Laura Spencer could cause. "Laura," she spoke softly, not wanting to anger her anymore than already. Although she was wary, Katherine couldn't stop the slight note of condescention that crept into her voice. "What's the matter Laura? Has one of your children tried to cut the apron strings and you're not ready?"
With a sound that was a mixture of grunt and roar, Laura picked up a paperweight off her desk and heaved it just to the left of Katherine's head.
That action was all it took to convince Katherine not to insult Laura further. She had never seen Laura like this. She was always so...sane. Not so then however. "Um, Laura. Calm down. I'm sure we can talk about this."
"Talk? No, we can't talk. Nikolas told me what you're trying to pull on him. I won't allow it. You're nothing more than a common tramp. I know you're not pregnant and I'm not going to let you sucker Nikolas into believing your lies."
Katherine quickly stood up and went around the desk to stand in front of Laura. Laura's accusations were beginning to make her blood boil. Who was this dishrag to tell her how to live her life? "Lies? My lies? You could be an expert in that area, right? You've told that poor boy so many it's a miracle that he believes a word you say anymore. Who was it that let him believe she was dead? Oh, that was you." Katherine could see that her nemesis was only getting more mad but for some reason she couldn't seem to stop the flow of words coming out of her mouth. Laura had ruined her life by stealing Stefan's affections away from her and now she was trying to act as if she was a saint. "You even lied to him about who his father was. Or did you really not know? Were there more than two contenders for that title maybe? The local stableboy or gardener?"
Laura reached out and slapped Katherine with all of her strength and rage hard across the cheek. The crack at the contact was followed by a sharp exclamation of pain from Katherine. The blow knocked her hard to her right and she lost her balance. Looking back on it, the fall she took almost seemed to move in slow motion. Her whole body was turned around so that she made contact with the corner of the desk with her left side. The pain that shot through Katherine was so intense that she lost consciousness for a second. She knew it could not have been longer then that though because when she came to, still slumped against the desk, the cruel corner gauging her in the side, Laura was still there, heading toward the door.
She left Katherine there, but not before saying, "You don't want to mess with me. I'll do anything to stop you from getting your hands on Nikolas."
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"That's how it happened. I provoked Laura into it. After she left I carefully stood up. I knew right away that something was wrong. Something inside me told me not to go to the hospital. Instead I went to the Brownstone. I remembered that Tony had moved back in there to be closer to Lucas. He had been my doctor after my fall from the parapet and I wanted to see somebody I could trust. When I arrived there however, he wasn't around. Bobbie was thank god. I was in a lot of pain and she recognized that right away. She wanted to call an ambulance but I wouldn't let her. Instead she paged Tony and he came. I was miscarrying. It only took him ten minutes to get there and Bobbie tried to keep me calm. I'll always be grateful to them. They tried to save my baby, but it was too late."
"Why didn't you want to go to the hospital Katherine? I don't understand."
"I knew that it was too late, as soon as I hit that desk, I knew." Katherine reached up to touch her cheek and found that it was wet from tears. She hadn't even realized that she had been crying. "I didn't want anybody to know. I was probably not at my most rational but I didn't want anybody to know what I had done."
"What had you done Katherine?"
"Isn't it obvious? I killed my baby."
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Lucy had listened to Katherine's recounting of events with mounting horror and grief. All she could think was that Katherine had been going through one of the most horrible experiences a woman could have alone. Not just alone, but as an outcast. Everybody, including herself, called her every horrible name possible. Lucy knew what it was like to lose a child and the thought that Katherine had gone through and been ridiculed because of it, was unbearable. It was all Lucy could do to keep from leaving her hiding place to beg her ex-enemy's forgiveness.
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Kevin hadn't known what to say to Katherine's statement. It was so obviously false but had still been said with such conviction.
"Eventually I had to go to the hospital but Tony took me to the little clinic that he used to volunteer at. It didn't take long. No more than an hour and a half and it was almost as if I had never been pregnant." There was more to say but she just didn't have the will to continue on with explanations any longer. All her strength seemed to have left her, which Kevin saw quite clearly.
"I can see that this has taken a lot out of you. Why don't you let me drive you home," he offered.
"No. Thank you for offering but I'd rather be by myself right now." Kat got up to leave but then turned back and said, "Kevin. Thank you so much for listening to me. It was hard for me to tell you all of that but I'm glad I did."
She disappeared from sight and Kevin just sat on the bench and let out a loud sigh. In the silence following he thought that he heard a noise. When the noise was repeated again, he was sure. In a few quick strides he was at the clump of bushes and trees, looking down at his fiance. She stood up immediately when she saw him above her.
"Kevin. Don't say it. I know I shouldn't have eavesdropped. I wish to God that I hadn't." Lucy pushes a strand of hair off her face. Kevin can see that her face is streaked with tears. "I never imagined that Katherine went through something like that. When she was speaking I wanted to get up and comfort her but I couldn't. I don't want to feel this way, Doc. I want to go back to competing with her but I don't think I'll ever be able to. I'll always be thinking about what she went through, all alone." Lucy has started to cry again and Kevin wraps his arms around her. "I know what losing a baby does to a person. But at least I had you to help me and hold me."
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