"Blood is thicker than water.  Asphalt is thicker than blood.  Please remember to love your relatives but leave your car on your street or driveway."

A Friendly Reminder from 
"People for Appropriate Parking Practices, Inc." 

     Bad night last night.  The shock, guilt, and stress of being sued by Godzilla left me tossing and turning from the moment I first put head to pillow until the moment I finished my breakfast this morning (hence the Cocoa Puff stains all over my favorite bib now).
     I can't go on like this.
     I've decided to turn over a new leaf.  In fact, several new leafies.
     No more entries that might even remotely be considered insulting, controversial, or grounds for suing my ass off.
     From now on, every word of "Almost A Jester's Journal" will be at least 99.997% socially useful, morally uplifting, and a celebration of the outstanding qualities of people and giant lizards alike or they won't be uploaded at all.
     From now on, every keystroke I make will be recorded on videotape as well, just to protect myself from being accused of writing unnecessarily rough drafts....

     As it happens, this change couldn't have come at a better time.  It's "Make a Difference Day" in my town and every fiber of my being is aching to make a very great difference indeed.
     That's why I started this entry right off the bat by donating the space under the date to an organization trying to make the world a better place for our relatives' tender flesh and our cars' hardworking tires alike.
     That's why I'm going to devote myself to bettering the lives of everyone on Earth starting right... NOW.
 

     We've all seen the little forms at our Department of Motor Vehicles.  We've all read the pamphlets in our doctor's waiting room, and sat through the public service announcements on TV.  Well, this morning I finally took action.  I actually got a pen and filled out my Testosterone Donor's Card.  Now, in the event of my untimely death - or even my timely one - I know that the testosterone I'll no longer be using will live on in others and might someday even save the social life of my fellow man.  If nothing else, I'm sure it'll be appreciated by those Red Cross officials looking to spice up their Remedial Chest Thumping classes with a few simple injections.
     If I wasn't so afraid of catheters and needles, I'd march right down there today and donate a pint.
     Good enough for my first day of service to mankind simply to have signed my donor card. 
     And to now publicly pledge that the very next time they have an emergency testosterone drive to aid an auto mechanic who has lost his will to tinker, I'll be there.
 

     As everyone probably knows, Elizabeth Dole dropped out of the race for president earlier this week.  What hasn't been reported as much, however, is that she fell right on top of Dan Quayle in the process.  Dan, of course, had dropped out earlier.  Unlike Lamar Alexander and John Kaisch, however, he forgot to get up and get out of the way before the inevitable others followed.
     I've just sent off a heart-felt get well card to Dan.  If you want to do the same, here's the address: 

                    Quayle 2000
                    2929 E. Camelback Road Suite 124
                    Phoenix AZ 85016
                    (602) 522-3500

     If you merely want to see what a single high heeled shoe can do to a man's ego when it hits with a force equivalent to 3450 pounds per square inch, visit the Dan Quayle Musuem online by clicking here. 

     To learn about those distinguished American politicians who actually made it to the White House using such names as John Quincey Adams (who kept a pet alligator in the East Room) to Dwight D. Eisenhower (who made a habit of wearing three coats of clear nail polish), click here. 

     If you'd like to participate more directly in the running of the country, you might consider doing what I'm going to do this afternoon: Write a letter to our congressional representatives in support of House Bill 1789B.
     House Bill 1789B was inspired by the recent success the government has had with issuing vouchers to the parents of school aged children unable to afford private school tuition.  House Bill 1789B simply takes this idea and applies it to the political process itself.  Under its provisions, every voter in the country will be issued a voucher which may be used to make a "soft money" contribution of $10,000 to the candidate of the voter's choice.  This will provide each and every voter - no matter how poor - with the same access to candidates and representatives that rich lobbyists and contributors have always had. 
     Those who say that the country cannot afford this plan simply haven't been paying attention to the costs of the one already in place.  They should also remember that each voucher entitles every voter to one meal in the Political Lunch Program which typically goes for $500 a plate.  And finally, they should consider the fact that experts agree such a voucher program might well provide more of an educational experience to the average person than any private school voucher ever could. 
     If you live in a district whose representative is still unconvinced despite all the things House Bill 1789B has going for it, just remind him or her of provision 1800.  That's the one that prohibits the federal government from ever imposing a nationwide system of rigorous candidate testing or requiring that those elected to Congress at least have the intelligence of an eggplant before being allowed to take a seat in the Capitol.
     Alas, I'm not able to provide each and every one of my possible readers with the particular address of his or her representative, but it's been my experience that if one simply scribbles "Scoundrel" on an envelope, the US Post Office always gets it to the proper place. 
 

     That leaves this evening.  If you're the newly-minted dedicated do-gooder that I am, you'll devote the hours between 6 and midnight to joining us fellow "Americans for Purity" in combating the real threat to our American way of life: rampant and unlicensed masturbation.  For details about how you, too, can take matters into your own hands and stop our steady slide into madness, mayhem, and quite possibility a disco revival, click here.
 

     Finally....  I realize that not everyone is up to all or even any of the activities I've outlined above.  For some, today is a holy day of rest.  For others, today is merely another block of 24 hours to piss away in sin before an eternity in the fires of hell.  For these people and others like them, I have the Mouse Odometer and the Foot Rat.

     The Mouse Odometer is a simple little program which will tell you how far your cursor has traveled.  My own Mouse Odometer now tells me that my cursor has traveled just over eight-tenths of a mile since I installed it yesterday.  That's 50,788 inches, or 4232.8 feet.   Or 65.45% of the way across the Brooklyn Bridge - WOOO-HOOO!
     There are at least two versions you can check out.  I got mine here, but this one looks very nice, too.  I guess they're both shareware, but I find I feel far fewer moral qualms if I never read far enough to be sure. 

     Sick of your mouse altogether?  Check out the FootRat.  The reviews are lousy and it costs a ridiculous $30, but the idea and picture are free.  I found 'em both smile provoking.  Maybe you will, too.
 

     That's all.  A sudden recurrence of guilt is leaving me feeling quite dizzy again, so it's back to bed for me (Cocoa Puff stains and all).  I'll continue turning over my new leafies as soon as I can - I promise.
     Unless there's something in the "Americans for Purity" pledge I missed.
     Hmmmm....  Maybe staying in bed is simply the best I can possibly do for humanity?
     Do you think?
     Can that be true??
     Well, if I must, I must.
     Anyone wanting to send me a Nobel Peace Prize can just address it to "Saint."