Mercury's Dancing Lessons
It has been established that there are several well-known miscreants to be assembled in Boston not only to discuss the finer points of Acrophobia but also to GET JIGGY WIT'IT! Of course, I do not want any of us who are rhythmically impaired to miss out on any of the festivities. So, I have taken it upon myself to do my humanitarian duty and teach y'all how to SHAKE IT LIKE A WHITE GUY! *a cute, nimble, short white guy at that, too* Since this is coming to you at NO COST, I expect you to have your pencils and paper ready, for I WILL NOT BE REPEATING ANY OF THIS. If you follow these steps you will be on your way to be coming an M.C. Hammer-approved dance-dance-dance-dancin' machine!
STEP ONE: SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE. Let's face it folks this is probably the hardest step in the process. Everybody likes to make it a lot harder than it really is to "get down".
STEP TWO: GET PLASTERED. Nothing can get you prepared better than imbibing some "liquid confidence" at the bar. By the eighth round that buzz will provide you a veritable force field: you won't be able to hear anybody's rude comments and you won't feel bad when you bump into somebody else on the dance floor... in fact you might not feel anything at all...
STEP THREE: SHAKE YOUR BOOTY. A LOT. Everybody knows that the booty is where everybody's dance vibe radiates from. Therefore, you need to keep it in constant motion. You can achieve maximum booty movement by envisioning a LIVE CARP in you shorts. If you have no imagination, you could always try the real thing. I suggest you use a goldfish instead, however. They are cheaper than carp and fit better into your shorts....
STEP FOUR: SYMMETRY IS EVERYTHING! People often don't recognize the patterns found in dancing. They don't realize that the basis of dancing is doing repeated actions in opposite directions. For example, if you trip and fall to the right and quickly get back up...everybody will think you're a clumsy dork who should be avoided. However, if you trip and fall to the right AND THEN proceed to trip and fall to the left, everybody will thinking you're showing off your latest 'cutting-edge' moves.
STEP FIVE: IF ALL ELSE FAILS, FAKE A SEIZURE! That's right. If you realize that you're bombing out on the dance floor worse than a SCUD missile, just stop, drop and shake convulsively. It helps if you have a friend around when you do this, so they can say "It's musta been the strobe lights!" and to give you a ride home. It might not be a pretty scene, but you'll have the sympathy of everybody in the club.
Well, that concludes my complimentary dance lesson. If you would like the entire Mercury Malone Dance Instruction Video Library for the Low, Low, Low price of $59.95, go to www.suckerborneveryminute.com .
Thanks and Nanoo-Nanoo
Mercury
