 September 2000 |
| Aliases: Joker, the Director, ZepPhreak, Bill, Will, Lyam, Kenneth Arwood, Denis Stanley, Antoine Andersan, Brian Collis |
| Date of Birth: | April 30, 1980 | Hair: | Jet Black |
| Place of Birth: | Unknown, though is an alien | Eyes: | Grey |
| Height: | 6' 4" | Complexion: | Caucasian |
| Weight: | Approximately 270 pounds | Gender: | Male |
| Build: | Big Boned | Nationality: | Canadian, eh? |
| Occupations: | Left-wing Columnist, Video game technician, part-time web page designer, womanizer, stalker | ||
| Remarks: | Leader of the Terrorist Organization known as The Sons of Death to Goats Worldwide"The G-Death". It is speculated that his small penis is the cause of his angst, "The Bigger Dick Foreign Relations Policy" in work. |
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| Scars and Marks: | Tattoo on Asre reading "If you're close enough to read this you better be a woman and naked too, if there are cameras in the room they better not be in use." | ||
CAUTION: AMONG THOUSANDS OF REPORTED CASES OF GOAT RAPE AND MURDER, THEISEN IS WANTED IN CONNECTION WITH THE APRIL 4, 2001 RAPE AND MURDER OF 200 GOATS IN LUCAS COUNTY, OHIO, UNITED STATES. HE IS ALSO WANTED IN CONNECTION WITH THE ST VALENTINE'S DAY 2001 ASSASSINATION OF CUPID. FURTHER, THEISEN IS WANTED AS A MATERIAL WITNESS IN CASES INVOLVING THE RAPE OF RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER, THE MAIMING OF SANTA CLAUSE, AND KIDNAPPING (TO SELL INTO SLAVERY) OF THE LEPRECHAUN
CONSIDERED ARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. ALWAYS CARRIES ROPE, WHIP AND FRENCH TICKLER
The United States Government is offering a reward of up to $5 million for information leading directly to the apprehension or conviction of William Thomas Michael Theisen.
April 2001
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