5 Yrs After & Beyond-Thoughts/Stories
Well, here it is going on our 6th holiday season without Wendy. Is it hard? It sure is. Is my life on an even keel? No, it has forever changed, but I try each and everyday to try and find something to go on. The song on this page ironically was played at our request at Wendy's funeral. She always loved the Wizard of Oz and when I saw the song I knew we had to play it. She was forever looking for something that alluded her and Lord I hope she has found a pot of gold just for her. Below you will find some written material that is near and dear to my heart. It speaks volumes as to how my life is now, and though I try hard each day to find something to grab on to (just as rock climbers do), I oft times get a little hitch in my get-along. If you have loved and lost a child you surely know of what I am speaking. If you haven't and know someone who has, wouldn't it be a kind and wonderful gesture to bring a candle with you to a function at their house and light it in memory of........? I know I would be so grateful if someone would do that for us. Or perhaps when out to dinner, raise a toast to the one departed. Don't despair over tears, they are healing in so many ways. They don't mean that you did the wrong thing, it means you touched someone deeply and will ever be appreciated!
We are currently going thru a very dark time in our lives and I felt the need to add this page to not only commemorate our Wendy but to let you know how it is not a bed of roses after 5 years. Some of the memories that we share get sorta worn out, but I don't let one day go by without remembering, especially the good times. We recently lost our horse (nope not as hard as a child, but hard), and it has seemed to dredge up so much pain and sorrow. Another dream fulfilled, that has been dashed. Losing my Bill's brother, Tom, this past spring has been an even harder blow to us all. We were just beginning to spend more time with them, and you never know when that time will end. Thank the Lord for Cindy, our sister, not in blood but in so many ways. I know she thinks we are helping her, but the plain fact is that she helps us in so many ways, I can't count them! Oh, I musn't forget John, our nephew, who will be going to the Navy next month to help all of us!
So, as you perhaps will share more of the collected writings of so many wonderful people, I want you to know that there is a somewhere over the rainbow. It is called heaven, and one day, with hard work and true love for our Lord, we will all be reunited once again. One of my favorite scriptures is Phil. 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I have this particular scripture posted at work and in my purse to carry with me at all times. Without me even knowing He was there for me after Wendy died, He was. Even though I felt I was so far from Him, He never let me go and waited patiently for me to literally see the light. He will for you also, just ask.
We almost upon the seven year mark and my heart is heavy many days. Once upon a time the doctor I went to see after Wendy died told me that it would be at least seven years before I would feel whole again. I have to admit that I feel better some days, but I think I shall never feel whole again, and I have begun to realize that that is alright. We, that have gone thru horrific times will never be the same and that is alright.
There have been changes in our lives, of course, some good, some just status quo and that too is fine. Bill is a short ways from early retirement and we cannot wait for the day that the wonderful change of part time work for him will appear. I have a new job that is challenging and rewarding and only hope that I can remain there till my time to retire.
We have maintained many friendships thru the internet and of course in our home town. I cannot stress enough the good that can come from the internet, but of course we must always be careful. The world is a harsh place and along with it harsh folk. We forever miss the Wendy-kid, and how I long for the time that she was walking upon this earth. Some of her friends from high school still maintain friendships with us, and they have no idea how much this means to both of us. I go to work in the mornings and one of her bus drivers still waves to me each time she sees me, and she has no idea how much that means to my day. For a driver from school years to remember is just wonderful and a tribute to the young lady that she was. I praise God each and every day for the daughter that I had and still do in my heart and for all the things that He has done to help us keep a cover over our heads, food to eat and the Holy Spirit to help us each day. In this world with wars raging and terrorists lurking it is not an easy world to traverse. But we are all here for a purpose and if mine is to but keep a gentle soul within your midst, then so be it, I gratefully will do that and all I can to assure any soul to find the true light thru the Son......
Please enjoy, and thank you for sharing some of our life and tragedy and climb throughout our darkest days into the light. Each step is a triumph and each stumble is another lesson. God Bless you one and all..............
Today is Wendy's 27th birthday and I felt the need to add to this page. Going on 8 years since she left us and the memories of her last birthday with us envelops me. We had a simple birthday, and gave her one shorts outfit and took her to the lake for our favorite Eddies Grill dinner. Then we joked and laughed about all kinds of things. I do believe we may have gone swimming in our pool or had a fire in our firepit in the back. Whatever we had a good time and I felt blessed that I thought she was back with us in a whole way. I had no inkling of what was to come and that day it was alright.
We remain close to a few people but as time moves on, so do they and that is alright. Owen has finally finished with his master degree and found a job-imagine that, but it is in NY and although it is not across the country, we will no longer just be able to pick up the phone and say *hey come on down*. In my heart of hearts I know this is the way it needs to be, but selfishly I don't want to see him go. Stacie, Wendy's best friend in high school is going to have her second baby and life churns on. We, on the other hand, are in a kind of limbo, and although not a bad arena, it is sad. I find myself no longer interested in many of the things that I used to be and I guess that is ok on the face, but I feel a void with the passing of Wendy and memories that are starting to become tattered with all the use. And, yet, life moves on.
Bill had a terrible car accident on Easter morning (2004) and totaled our truck. He was on short-term disability and now is thankfully on early retirement and no longer will he have to endure the long back-breaking hours and heat of the job that he has maintained for the past 1 1/2 years. My job remains steady and is a great outlet for my pent up anxiety at times and keeps me focused. We remain close to Cindy our sister - in - law (but sister in my heart!) and share as much time as we can fit in. But still so many days are focused in my minds eye on what if Wendy was here, what would she think, what would she do?? I guess this will never truly go away, nor should it. I listen to so many speak of their children, their families and although they have no clue it is so hurtful to me on so many levels. *If only*, the eternal question pops into my head. I am sure many around me roll their eyes when I have a Wendy story to interject, but I truly cannot help myself, there are so many fun, simple, fantastic, sad and wonderful stories I simply cannot resist giving into the telling of them on occasion. ie. the simple; a young dog wandered into our yard when Wendy was only about 8 or so, and I told her no more dogs, (we had 3 then), so she made a sign that said my name is Princess and I am a really nice dog and tied it on her neck with a piece of yarn. It turned out to be a neighbors dog and I can only surmise their look or surprise to see this epitat of their dog that came from???? The waterfights we used to have with the squirt guns at all ages of her growing up, sometimes right on into the house on a hot summer day. I still have one of those water guns, it brings back fond memories. A young Wendy in junior high, with a young man on her track team liking her, and he was to die for sort of young guy. Me telling her, wow, go for it and she telling me that one of her bestest friends liked him and she could not do that, ever. Her telling someone that she really liked him and he did not feel the same way, but taking the risk of sharing and hoping.
These are the things that roll thru my mind all the time, as I sit on our front porch, all cozy and safe and gaze upon the cemetery across the road and watch *Wendy*.........We bought a shepards hook this year with a gorgeous plant and water it when needed. (a side note, there is another hook over there on another grave; people put things in cemeteries and think they will just last, they don't without care, just like life; so Bill has taken it upon himself to keep this one alive as well and when he waters Wendy's he waters this one as well; I can only think that if these people come over again they will think wow, look how good the plant is doing, and it is, with loving care just like in life). The hook goes with the stone with grapes and leaves on it. I can just see Wendy rolling her eyes going *mom it doesn't need to match*, but it does, it needs to match the wonderful person that she was and still is. She was a caring, loving, sometimes cantankerous young lady that will be forever 19, even though today she is 27. Thank you Lord for being in my life and allowing me the turn to have such an amazing person grow inside of me and given the chance to nurture for 19+ years.......Happy Birthday Wendy, one day closer each day.
Bill is still looking for a permanant part time job that is proving to look like searching for a needle in a haystack, but we are surviving. As Cindy says to me so often, we don't have to like it, we just have to get thru it. So true, but so hard some days. I do not know what I would do without her. 
This has been the year of breakage, things are supposed to last forever (like you), but sadly they don't. Bill has done a wonderful job of trying to patch the problems and fill the voids. Below is the first picture with my camera and it is happily with him. Isn't he looking dapper for having so many health problems? 
And lastly, but far from least, Owen finally got a job, wow, after so many years in school (haha), but sadly it is in NY, but still close enough that we get to see him off and on. He has had to have surgery for *not* taking care of himself, but sounds like he is recovering. I am not sure if he realizes just how important he is to us, but he continues to keep in touch and help when needed, wants to help more then you know, but this is his turn to fly. Now if only he will have the opportunity to find someone to share his life with. Sometimes I think of what you said to him when he started college, *have you looked?*. Sadly we are what we bring with us; emotions, experiences, baggage, and sometimes it is hard to overlook those things when meeting new people. But I feel confident that he will find someone that will compliment his life, just as you would have, whether you would have been a best friend or more. 
This year on Halloween, we went over to light your jack-o-lantern's and this year I used one that you made; the one with the pumpkin and cat. It was a bit breezy and I was concerned if I left this one sit on the ground the votive would get knocked over with the wind and so placed it on top of your stone. The candles stayed lit for a while that I could see and the next morning I went over to retrieve the pumpkins so they would not get damaged. I grabbed the cat one and underneath was a coin from the State of Qatar. So although a mystery it made me smile that someone had come to visit. So you see, dear daughter, even after all this time people from your time still remember you to. 
So another time to set some words down is growing to a close for me. So many people from across the world know you, through this website and see you for the wonderful young lady you were, and they mourn with me for the loss of you. If only that day, you would have called like you had so many times in the past, or went slip-sliding into the snow drift, or simply just went on to New York. Those things are killers for me, and yet they creep into my head all the time. I am sorry for what life did to you, and for any part that I may have played in the pain of your life. I would have gladly done anything for you. You were my best friend, my only daughter and a large part of my heart and soul and you still are. Lord willing, I will write again and as always all of my love and prayers are with you. Today the last day of your life eight years ago.........Love Always and Forever, Mom
Bill continues to be retired and working small jobs, we are closer then ever. My job is fulfilling most days and the days seem to whip by. The best news of all is that after so many years I quit smoking, I know that Wendy would be thrilled, I have tried so many times. We are actually going to go on a vacation (1st long one in 10 years) and we are looking forward to that. Along with us we will take the fond memories of the last time we were at this beach resort area with Wendy and having the time of our lives. This time we will be without her physically, but the spiritual side will always remain forevermore.
We just received a lovely gift of music in the mail from a fine young man in France. He read all about you and was moved to write some beautiful music and send it on. It is haunting and beautiful and you see how you still inspire. On occasion I receive tributes of how someone was going to leave of their own accord and your story helped to stop and make them think. I hope they all are still here, as time makes you move on and you lose touch with many, but I still pray for all of them.
As I close until the next time, I remember you with the love and light that you gave to me for 19 years. I remember the beginning years, of babydom, the school years, when you told me that you had to go to school, when I grew sad, and the teenage years with all its angst and ups and downs. You were the best daughter anyone could hope to have. I miss you, and love you with all my heart, as does Bill. He even said to me last week, he honestly had thought many years ago, that the intense feeling of loss would fade for him, as you were not his bio-child, but he was wrong, as it has not, we both still drop many tears for you, for the regret of not having you in our lives. God Bless you and all our love, forever.
June 18th, 2006; Wow this sees the tenth year of your passing, and as time goes so does most of the in-person people in my life. It is hard, but I fear I am not the best to be around. I have changed so much since you left us, and yet stayed the same on many levels. The kick-smoking habit is still here, which is good, but so is the food that I eat now, and I know the metabolism has changed and with it and age I have gained a few pounds. Bill & I walk most nites in the back of the property and he is maintaing walk paths where once we rode the horses. It is pleasant and many days we see new and fun things that we did not know were there. This time last year we had just arrived on an ocean front beach to check in for a funtime week. I remember sitting on the veranda giving a toast to your b-day. This year times are tougher financially, and the high cost of fuel has affected just about everything, except a pay raise. But we are not alone in this crisis, so we make do and praise the Lord for what we do have. I just want you to know how much I wish things were different. It seems that as time passes it becomes easier with the actual loss, but so much more difficult to go on with just the memories. I fear I have taken them out way too much and they are tattered and lonely, just like we are. Life is certainly not fair and not what you think it is going to be by a long shot. Even 10 years ago today I would never have thought you would be gone from us forever within a few short months. But, you were not a dream, you were a beautiful, caring, loving person to so many. But, selfishly I wish for me more then others for your life. But, being the mom, I guess I can. Till next time, and sadly the 10th time I have had to go thru the loss of our dearest asset, we love you. We will toast to you again this year as I take Bill out for his fish dinner. Something you should be a part of in some way. But then again you always are. We love you! Below is a lovely graphic that Susie (she never forgets) made for Wendy's 29th b-day. Thank you so very much Susie, I know that Wendy and Jason are celebrating today, along with (sadly) many others.
We have had a rough go these past few months, Bill became ill and was in the hospital for almost 3 weeks and then more recuperation time at home. It began with an antibiotic that was prescribed by a general doctor that ended up killing off all the bacteria; good and bad, but it left one nasty little booger. We were due to go out of town for a few days and he developed some symptoms but when calling the doctors office for advice they blew it off as just a stomach virus. We went on the trip and he became very ill. At the end of the few days he was not eating or drinking and was hospitalized almost immediately upon our return. Sadly it ruined a good portion of our visit with old friends in CT, but was not planned at all. We did manage to have a couple of moments of good time and fine sites. I am but grateful that Bill pulled thru as it was touch and go with some of his inner organs for loss thru surgery. Thank you Lord and all that placed their prayers with him during that period.
Above are 2 of the pictures from our trip to the Connecticut ocean shore. That was one part of our trip that was pleasant and before became Bill became completely ill. Thank you to our friends for having us and the prayers it took to help Bill be touched by our Lord and healed!
I could not help but think of the last time that Bill had been so banged up 12 years earlier when falling off a roof and remembering how you; Wendy, helped me each day. I missed you more then ever thru that terrible time in September-October, but realized that you will always live within me and give me strength.
 And, as always a gift from Susie, thank you dear lady you are an inspiration!
Yet again I cannot believe it has been ten years without your physical presence and I will forever miss you and play the game of I wish. Lately I have been having dreams and I await when you appear in them and give me a smile. You, who gave such a presence to so many and still do. I miss you dear daughter, and will forever remember your love, your laughter, and even your tantrums, your tears and your dreams. Thank you for being in my life, I would do it all over again with some minor changes to allow your presence to remain here! I love you...............Mom
30 years ago today, on your birthday I remember it was simple and fun. We got you a small gift and if memory serves (not always these days), we went to the lake to Eddie's Grill and had hot dogs and fries. It was a good day, at least in my mind.
There is not much to add today except to say that we continue to miss you and struggle in this world without you. You brought so much to our world, and we are sad. One day I know this struggle will be over and I hope that we do you proud! There are no pix to add this year, as with Bill's stay in the hospital last year we are still recovering from that time, but the pictures we have are all within our hearts.......We miss you, love you and wish you a fond 30! You should be HERE!
We were able to go and visit Pam in TN this past summer and we had so much fun and it was so relaxing. I have enclosed a picture of her and I below as we were leaving her wonderful city, and going over to Gatlinburg for some memory walk of my own younger days. Sadly Pam knows more then most as she also lost her young son many years ago, thru an asthma attack that proved to be fatal. She is my oldest and dearest friend from school years and it is good to have at least one friend after 30+ years!
We were able to visit Owen and Al came to visit us this year once again. It is worth its weight in gold when we have these times together. Lonliness creeps in and we do not feel worthy of having others in our lives on a regular basis.
Sadly others in our lives have walked out once again. It makes it tough to rely or trust any except the Lord these days. And although I understand on some levels on how some move on, they needn't cut us out as some have. It hurts more then I can even express and pushes me to become more and more reclusive. We have had our share of things getting too old, (just like us) and starting to not function as they should. Oil is pushed everthing sky high including heating, food and most everything else. It is so much easier to just stay behind my closed door at home and not let the world in or as little as possible.
We are so grateful for what we do have, but losing over and over it almost becomes the straw that breaks the camels back, so to speak. Holding on to the memories and the friends (online and off), become more and more important and take up a bigger importance as a whole. As always we have some (like Susie), that never forgets you and has enclosed a beautiful tribute picture that she created (see below). And of course the overseas people, Patrick, Alain, Willhem, they are so important to us, more then they know! Wendy we miss you so much and I try to focus on the here and now, but long for the day that I will be with you again.
Eleven years and counting, slowly and fast all at the same time! Till next time, all my love......Mom
 Oh Wendy, we miss you, why???? It still haunts. We have a little small tabby cat (we call him Pippin) that made it thru the winter in our barn and we would on occasion put scraps out and try to keep some water for him. This summer he is trying to be friends and has crossed the path to actually spend time on the deck, but will not let us touch him. Bill thinks he will be in the house by the time this winter rolls around. We will see. Owen helped us hook the wood burner back up, do you believe it? We are going to try and burn some wood to offset the fuel bill, we will probably burn ourselves down, but we have to try and do something. Wendy kid we miss you and love you so, Happy Birthday and my fervent wish is that you were still here!
November 12, 2008, 12 long years since you left and sadly and scarily it snowed hard yesterday. For a short time I was concerned it would not stop, but thankfully it did. The snow on the ground and the cold temps were sorry reminders of that fateful day and I simply did not need the reminders at all! I am beginning to think that I am a very sorry example of a human being. I find as time goes by that I am more comfortable being in our house with Bill and the cats. How sad is that? Speaking of cats, the Pippin is now a member of the household and we have lit the woodstove for the first time and it is luscious, just like I remembered. I wish you were here to enjoy it with us.
June 18, 2009; 13 years, 12 since we celebrated with you on this earth. How I miss you. The thoughts of what you would be doing and where you would be and how you affected this world run rampant thru my mind so many days. The world is a mess, the economy is in the tank and all that we thought would be when we got to this stage of our lives has been inundated. Since the beginning of the year we have been on reduced hours at work and many, many have lost their jobs. I try not to worry, but it creeps in that I could be next and being as old as I am it would not be good. Too many are looking at too few jobs these days. So many have lost their homes and ways of life, and Bill & I have discussed selling the farm and moving, but I get almost there and think I cannot leave the best/worst part of our lives. I cannot help but think it would be better if you were here, silly thought perhaps but it is with me.
November 12, 2009, 13 long, lonely years without you! This year has been particularly hard as the economy has hurt us more then you can imagine. But I count ourselves among the more fortunate ones. Once again this is not how it was supposed to be, but day by day we go on. We miss you always, and never forget. Too many have forgotten :-( I have added a story written by another grieving parent called the GAP, it is listed on the Poems & Prose page, please read it if you can.
In a quiet country cemetery,
Her resting place I visit,
Though her smile is gone forever,
Her memory is my keepsake, ~Author Unknown
"How long will the pain last?" a broken-hearted mourner asked me.
"All the rest of your life." I had to answer truthfully. We never quite forget. No matter how many years pass, we remember. The loss of a loved one is like a major operation; part of us is removed, and we have a scar for the rest of our lives. This does not mean that the pain continues at the same intensity. There is a short while, at first, when we hardly believe it; it is rather like when we cut our hand. We see the blood flowing, but the pain has not set in yet. So when we are bereaved, there is a short while before
the pain hits us. But when it does, it is massive in its effect. Grief is shattering.
Then the wound begins to heal. It is like going through a dark
tunnel. Occasionally we glimpse a bit of light up ahead, then we lose sight of it awhile, and then see it again, and one day we merge into the light. We are able to laugh, to care, to live. The wound is healed so to speak. The stitches are taken out, and we are whole again.
But not quite. The scar is still there, and the scar tissue, too. As the years go by, we manage. There are things to do, people to care for, and tasks that call for full attention. But the pain is still there, not far below the surface. We see a face that looks familiar, hear a voice that has echoes, see a photograph in someone's album, see a landscape that once we saw together, and it as though the knife were in the wound again.
But not so painfully, and mixed with joy, too. Because remembering a happy time is not all sorrow; it brings back happiness with it. As a matter of fact, we even seek such moments in bittersweet remembrance. We have our religious memories and our memorial days, and our visits to the cemetery. And though these bring back the pain, they bring back memories of joy as well.
How long will the pains last? All the rest of your life. But the thing to remember is that not only the pain will last, but the blessed memories as well. Tears are the proof of life. The more love, the more tears. If this were true, then how could we ever ask that the pain cease altogether? For then the memory of love would go with it. The pain of grief is the price we pay for love. (Author unknown)
In the autumn of my life
My hair is turning white
Now that I am older
I think of how some are so lucky
I think of what I could have done
I think about a little girl
I think about the raindrops
I think of how many lives
I think of what I can do
I think about heaven
I think about my own heart
Love is yesterday,
My autumn years are now here
I'll imagine that day
So wait my child for me Written by: Sharon Bryant
I will forever dislike the fall
for now and ever after
it no longer will have the sleepy feel of waiting
until the winter comes.
The biggest insult was losing you
when all was well and felt so safe.
Life had purpose and I knew what to do.
And then you were taken and I have no peace.
Nothing feels the same --no books or TV.
Nor leisure activities of any kind.
I can't let my mind rest because it goes to you.
I am attacked by memory--many bittersweet
and much too painful to bear.
So yes, I will forever dislike the fall
I want to jump from summer to winter
and forget those days that start to shorten
and everything becomes dead.
Written by Peggy Orr of Georgia
Please sign my guestbook, Thanks!
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John & Cindy; Thanksgiving 2001
