Two Years, Nine Months Old (August 12, 1999)

Wendy, early 1995, preparing for a formal dance

We are now well past the shock, the rage, the devastation stages that come with the beginnings of being a survivor. Two years, nine months? What is this you say? This is how old we are now, learning to go on and forge a new path from one that is very different then we ever dreamed. What comes next? For us (and I don't mean to step on toes here, as we are all different in how we deal and live after such events in our lives), we have tried to help others in similiar situations to see that it is not hopeless, and there are ways to feel like you are useful again. For one thing both my husband and I have found the Lord again, as He never left us, we just sort of turned from Him for a time. Where was God you say? God was right there with Wendy when she felt so desperate, so alone, so useless that she felt she had no other choice but to leave this living world. He was right there, as she went thru our room looking, looking, searching, searching for the means to end the desparate pain that she found herself in. And, I think He cried, knowing that He could do nothing but be there. But,I know He was there. And, He has continued to be with us to try and pick up the pieces of our lives and become valuable again on some level.

I have learned so much about this insidious disease (depression, Yes it is a disease and it is treatable!) since we lost Wendy. Thru her we have reached out past our pain, past the stigma that is attached to this type-death and tried to offer friendship and caring to others that may find themselves in this situation feeling so desolate that there is no way out but death. This is NOT true, there is help, there are people that care, for I am one of them........

But, where are we, right now at this moment? We are sad for the loss not only of our daughter, and all that she would have contributed to this world, but for the continuing tragedies that seem to happen on a more then daily basis. You don't hear about all of them by far. You hear about the ones that do devastation and wreak havoc among the population, but you don't hear about the ones that die alone and away from the crowds of the media, and yet, these things happen every minute of every day.

I had a call from one of my daughter's dear friends from high school just last night, his name is Bob. He has been having mental-type problems since graduating from school in 1995 and calls on a continual basis (not often but at least a couple of times a year). He has asked *permission* time and again to visit us, and of course it is always granted, yet he has never come. Last night he admitted to me that he had just spent over a month in the hospital for his problems once again, and his doctor told him that he *needs* to visit Wendy at her final resting place to say good-bye...I agreed that it was a good idea and told him exactly where she was in the cemetery in case he didn't have the courage to come here first. I want so badly to help this fellow out, as Wendy did thruout most of her high school years. And, Bob, if you ever read this, we are here for you, that is a promise! That is what it takes just being there for someone and trying to wade thru the garbage that this world hands out and trying to make sense of life, and yes death too. Not a day goes by that I don't think upon my daughter and see her light that she carried for so long. On many levels she still does, but thru me and a handful of her friends.

I have taken a long look back at the last 2 years and nine months and realize that a deep pain still resides within me, a deep sadness if you will. I can go out amongst the population and they may never know what lies inside the depths of my soul. But, will I for one instant ever deny my daughter, NEVER. I would not have done it in life and I surely will not do it in death. We still live in the same house, have the same furniture, same pets, same everything, except one car (had to get rid of my other one-too many memories), but it is not the same for it is lonelier, it is quieter, and probably always will be. In the beginning, it was a struggle to even get up to turn a light switch on, the why's, the *oulda's were with me always....Many of those are gone now as I know that I will never truly receive the answers that I sought, nor will they make a difference in the outcome of my life to this point. I can only look ahead and try and find some peace within my soul, my heart. Some days it comes easily, others not so easy and I struggle still, but I know letting the Lord in has given me a peace that I had not found for almost two years. My husband and I went to church for the first time in many years this Sunday and it was very comforting to know that there are others who will except us, warts and all. How many of you have turned not only from God but from people? I know we had, and in the people department still do, but we have let the Lord in, and what a comfort He is....I know in my heart of hearts that He is comforting my daughter and one day we will be together again. For now I try my darndest to help the ones that appear either in person or through this site. God Bless you all.....and please, if you feel the need, know that I will answer you in the best of my abilities and past/present knowledge to help you in whatever you may seek. It is what Wendy would have done, I can honestly tell you that!


Older Grief

Older grief is gentler,
It's about sudden tears swept by
a stand of music.
It's about haunting echoes of
First pain, at anniversaries.
It's about feeling her presence for
an instant one day while I'm dusting her room.
Its' about early pictures that invite
me to hold her in my arms again.
Its' about memories blown in on wisps
of wood smoke and sea scent.
Older grief is about aching in gentler
ways, rarer longing, less engulfing fire.
Older grief is about searing pain wrought into tenderness.

Written by Linda Zelenka, FL





RED FLAGS

THE FOLLOWING CAN BE SIGNS OF DEPRESSION--AND POSSIBLE SUICIDE:

  • Personality changes: withdrawal from friends and family; anxiety; hyperactivity; restlessness; extreme fatigue; apathy

  • Behavioral changes: Inability to concentrate in school or routine tasks; heavy or increased use of drugs or alcohol.

  • Physical problems: insomnia or oversleeping; nightmares; loss of appetite or overeating; scratches or marks on the body, particularly at the wrists and neck; continual stomach pain that stems from anxiety.

  • Low self-esteem: worthlessness; overwhelming guilt; self-hatred; anger with the world.

  • No hope for future: belief that things will never change.

  • Watch for: verbal or written expressions of suicide; themes of death in music, art, speech, or writing; giving away favorite things; statements that he/she will not be missed if gone.

    Suicide Helplines Know someone who needs help? The organizations listed below can provide information, resources, or referral services.


  • SPAN: (Suicide Prevention Advocacy Network)

  • NATIONAL CRISIS HELPLINE: 1-800-999-9999

  • AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION: 1-888-333-2377

  • NATIONAL DEPRESSION SCREENING PROJECT: 1-800-573-4433

  • NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION: 1-800-969-6642

  • THE NATIONAL ALLIANCE FOR THE MENTALLY ILL: 1-800-950-NAMI

  • AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF SUICIDOLOGY: 1-202-237-2280

  • SOLOS [SURVIVOR OF A LOVED ONES SUICIDE]



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