Well, we are once more back into fall, and in a conversation in the earliest hours of last night, and the earliest hours of this morning I began thinking about change. Autumn has long been a season I love, it brings a serenity with it that seems to hang in the air and almost change the quality of the light. it always seems like the sun is setting in the fall (which is perhaps almost a little too appropriate and symbolic...) But in the changing of the leaves, and the steadily diminishing daylight, I find myself reflecting on the changes in my life.
The company I keep is part of my life thatis in constant transition, mostly because I so enjoy the companionship of all my close friends that I'm always trying to make time for all of them, which, frankly is impossible. I lose contact with people I love talking to, & find that the longer I fail to call someone, the harder it becomes to actually do so. Also true of trying to break up with some one, incidentally...) and then I feel guilty for not talking to people.
Who I am now is another changing aspect that comes to my attention as I reflect on things this season. i'm more secure in my knowledge of myself, thought still releativley insecure in most ways. i find myself with a sense of responsibility thatn I used to lack, though I don't always heed it., and I m overly analytical, or so I'm told, and my nature is far more contradictory than I ever remember it, (which is to say that aspects of my personality seem to conflict not that I argue all the time.)
It's strange. how at night, (as it is as I write this) thoughts seem both profound and abundantmy mind is rife with thoughts concerning soul-searching and vague metaphors, thoughts of love, and thoughts of some sort of itangible, existential anguish that I feel I should be experiencing, yet can relate to only on a purely academic level. The things I write here are merely the simple thoughts that my "word maker" as I call it, can process into my limited vocabulary. (and i notice in retrospect that even my eloquence in this is severly lacking.
I fear that my current mental state is not conducive to composing coherehnt copy. ( hey! that's alliteration!) So if you find this disjointed and wandering, or worse, an insipid, self serving quasi-catharsis, then please accept my apologies.
I feel an urge to try to put to words some of the thoughts that are churning in my but feel many of them are almost too private in nature to share. Many of them were sparked by the afore mentioned conversation of last night, in which a friend of mine who is aso amazing and beuatiful, and who I admire and respect, yet is also one of the most intriguing people I know, shared some of her thoughts withme, and in doing sdo revealed to me things about myself that I never would have imagined.
I went to sleep after that conversation significantly changed, yet I was still essentially the same person. It was a great yet imperceptible change, like the turning colour of autumn leaves eemingly overnight; the trees and leaves are exactly as they were, but have changed significantly, completley changing their look. I suppose the reason I feel that so many of these thoughts I hold seem so...private, is because for the first time in recent memory, i m allowing myself to work throught these unusual thoughts instead of disregarding them in favour of less unknown, and therefore less threateneing and risky ideas and concepts. That, perhaps, is the most significant of the changes that have come with the advent of this season, and I believe that this self-exploration that I've embarked upon may be the source of thwe serenity and placidity that has also arrived with the fall.
When I began writing this i wasn't sure what I intended to write about I just chose a safe topiuc, like fall, and started writing... it seems that when something needs to come out, it finds a way... so,thus vented, I'll leave this until next time.
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Okay I'm done for another couple weeks. You can go now.