A time comes in the life of every young adult when they must part from their parents, and take wing, as it were, into the enormous blue sky of independence, Now, any teenager will emphatically tell you that they're already independent, until you ask them about living on their own, and financially supporting themselves, at which point their dependence on their parents is all too painfully confirmed.
I, too believed in my own independence as a fifteen year old, but, over the past four years have come to realize how much I needed the support of my Dad, when I had to buy my own buss pass and pay my own tuition, I realized that I was really lucky to be living at home for free. Then, when he began charging me $100/month rent, I still realized that it was but a pittance and there was no way I could afford to survive on my own and pay so litte. Then when he upped my rent to $200/month I was still thankful that I was only paying half of what I could normally expect to pay in the real world.
But the time came for me, as it does for all of my peers, when home just wasn't good enough anymore. I knew I'd be paying more for rent, but I figured it was a fair trade: an extra several hundred dollars every month for a hassle-free, nag-free existence. I was moving out.
That in itself presented a plethora of problems, from finding a reasonably priced place to furniture acquisition to damage deposits to lease applications. WE were finally accepted last week, and are lined up to take possession on the tenth of September, I am not fooled however I'm aware that the real ride is only beginning
I never expected this to be easy...
So Another summer is in full swing, and that means another Fall is just around the corner. and we all know another fall means school. and for me is not the lah-de-dah easy-breezy realm of High School, not any more, now it's College, where you have to do stuff that makes high school a walk in the park. (I wasn't aware of this when I got started last year, and ended up failing two courses, one because I slept through the midterm, the other because I got the day for the final wrong, and showed up to write it two days late.)
I just today registered for a whole whack of courses all through the fall and winter (which I hope to god I can pay for with another exorbitant student loan) where I have no choice but to clue in and forego a social life in order to make the grade required for a job, required for a future social life. I also registered in "Strategies for Student Success". Sounds very official huh? It's basically an hour each week where they help students who proved that they were too stupid or lazy to pass the year before and obviously worth no credits.
College reminds me of the fourth grade. back in grades 1-3 life was a breeze. everything the teacher said I either already knew or grasped totally the first time it was said. my assignments were done in half the time she gave the class & I ended up with tons of free time and enough gold stars to choke a horse. Grade four was different I had to pay attention and work. things weren't quite as easy and they had the nerve to give me HOMEWORK. I was a very unimpressed 10 year old. but I got used to it, and for the next eightyears, I coped.
Now, two years out of High School, the Academic Menace once again rears it's ugly head. (just when you thought it was safe to go back in the classroom...) and I'm having a difficult time of it. I sure the rest of my life isn't going to be like this, though I have a suspicion it is...
You know what bugs me? Not yet, you don't... but you will, because I'll bet the exact same thing has happened to you, and annoyed you to no end.
What I refer to is when other people discover your band. Some teeny-bopper, or other type of assorted individual, hears all about this band/artist on the local teeny-bopper radio station, and suddenly decides that they love this group/artist because all their teeny-bopper friends will now be big fans as well. Meanwhile, you, a long time fan, can no longer take pride in being a fan, because you're just like everyone else.(i.e. everyone will just think you're one of these recent groupies) and to add insult to injury, you know that come the next big hit from some other group, these fickle fairweather fans will have no more interest in this group/artist than before. and the band/artist will no longer be "undiscovered", they'll now be called "boring" or "old news" or something.
Example? How B'out Sarah Mclachlan? My Best Friend introduced me to Sarah somewhere around the time her sophomore album, "Solace" was released. I loved it, and also listened to "Touch", her first album, and became a fan I was thrilled when "Possession" off of "Fumbling towards Exctacy" got as much radio play as it di and was happy being a small-time "Mclachlan Missionary" bringing Sarah's music to friends and acquaintances who had only passing knowledge of her.
First her initiation of Lilithfair and then the release of "Surfacing" and the number of phenominal hits on it, ("Building a Mystery", "Adia", "Angel", Etc.) Everyone loves her, I'm initially happy that she's finally getting the recognitin that she deserves, until I realize that so many of these new fans have never even heard of her older stuff, when I try to hold a discussion about anything off an older album they either don't know the stuff or transparently pretend to.
Garbage is another band I discovered early, I listened to their first, Self titled album at an A&B Sound listening Station for no other reason than because the name of the band sounded cute, The first Track was "Supervixen" followed by "Queer", still my two favorite tracks of that album. I listend to a bite of the rest of the album, and bought it on the spot. six months later, I'm hearing Garbage on the radio, and when they release "Version 2.0", there are posters in every Music store around. I felt cheated.
In fairness, There are bands that have been around for years, with several albums, that I've never heard of until they release a big hit. But I admit that The only song I know is this hit and don't pretend to be a huge fan of theirs, and if it turns out I like several of their song and do start to follow them, I'll usually do my home work, and look into some of their older stuff because it's usually in the same vein.
and, I admit, part of it is just a petty jealousy, it's absurd to think of any group as "yours" but we all do., we feel pride when they get some recognition and especially if one person says "Hey I saw ("your" band) on Tv last night, and thought I'd menton it 'cause I know you like them" or ask you about the words to a certain song by that group, etc.
It's and Ego thing.
Anyway, check out my page on cool things, and you'll see item about bands and items I like... I suggest you look into them. They're there as a form of my "Missionary Work" If you discover that you like any of them, great! glad to help make another fan. Just don't be a Teeny-bopper about it.
It's 3:30 in the morning, and I'm sitting in a hospital room with four elderly women who snore, and smell funny. But I'm not bitching about my job, at least not tonight, 'cause tonight is a good night. My major gripe tonight is my love life. (Or lack thereof.)
Normally I'm not shy about discussing girls I'm interested in, but now, I'm hesitant, because I know that what I write will be accessible to many, many pairs of eyes, and I don't think it'd be such a good idea to disclose anything at this point in time because the girl I'm interested in has access to this page. It's mostly because I'm afraid I'd scare her off. I'm out of practise in the "courting" game, but I know one needs to get a feel for the territory before revealing their romantic interest in someone. I've never been good at this. I've always been one to jump in with both feet, and hope I don't get rejected. I'm trying to change my ways, though, because what worked in my early teens stopped working at some point. I've scared off a few girls over the past two years by whole-heartedly embracing my infatuation withthem ,and freaking them right out.
I think, so far, I've managed to avoid the conclusion that I'm just inherently unattractive, or even repulsive. I may not be good looking, butI'm not ugly, and though some find me occaisionally annoying, I'm not obnoxious, so I'm sort of at a loss as to why things don't improve, especially since from 14-16, I never spent more than a month being single at a time. That's Why I've taken to calling this period in my life "The Great Drought" (I like giving events in my personal life life a near-biblical significance. Chalk it up to my histrionic side.)
I've been single for almost two and a half months. That's not such a long time. but prior to the relationship that ended in early February of this year, I'd been single for two full years! If I were to exclude that last short-lived relationship, I'm heading into my 26th month of single-hood. That's a damn long timeI spent most of 17 and all of 18 without female companionship. Those are two very valuable dating years. and sofar, it looks like 19 is going to be another banner year for being single
Here's all I'll say about the girl I'm currently infatuated with, for any who may be interested. She's someone I've sort of known for quite some time, and have always thought was cool, and attractive, but never really realized, until recently that she's someone I'd like to date.
The biggest disadvantage that's come from two years worth of continuous rejection is that sometimes, I almost prefer my own optimistic speculation to the potential unfortunate reality, which, consequently, leads to my never taking any action. so I'm back where I started, 1 cruch, a great deal of uncertainty and 4 smelly old women, in a hospital at...4:30 AM, now.
There's nothing like all your friends getting married to make you feel old. Seriously, I'm only Nineteen, and I don't understand how people around my age can possibly see that getting married at this age is a normal, healthy thing!
The first instance of this actually happened a year or two ago when my friend Sarah Elliot, (i'm using her maiden name because she'll always be Elliot to me... got married to a guy who name I confess I can't remember. (I don't talk with Sarah as much as I should.) It didn't bother me as much then because she was a few years older than I, and was always of a much sounder mind than I, but it still freaked me out, and now that I'm getting close to the age that she was when she married, it still feels like, "this is very much too young for the whole marriage thing.
My very first girlfriend, ended up marrying the guy she dated after me. His name is golden, and is a great guy, and she's two years older than I, but they've got a Kid, too! I mean it scares me that people whove barely had two decades of freedom are saying, "Sure what the hell, I'll commit for the rest of my life" but then they have a child, effectivley guaranteeing that they'll be effectivley tied up until they're 40. this strikes me as lacking any kind of reasoning. but let me continue
Jennifer Chipman got engaged to Stephen Hislop-Perraton on Canada Day of 1998, at least officially, apparently there was an unofficial sort of "betrothment" (and if that's not a real word, it should be.) between them a few weeks previous. he did the whole proposal thing during the fireworks on the river bank with a whole battalion of their mutal friends watching, my self included, and it was all very romantic, and sweet, and baffling to me. I must say, however that theirs is sort of an indefinite engagement, so it's not too bad, at least they'll put off the actual marriage until their a bit older. so there's that story.
Then there's the Fraser Family. Both my friends in this family are getting married. The younger sibling, Cheryl, got engaged before her older brother, and I only heard about it, as far as I can remember, through her older brother when he told me of his engagement. Cheryl, I guess got engaged long enough ago, that her marriage is on the 8th of May, just over a month from now. She'll be the first of my friends who's Reception I'll attend I can't see the wedding, because She,(like a disproportionatley large number of my friends) is Mormon, and is getting married in the Temple at Cardston, and I'm not a member of her immediate family, nor am I Mormon, and I have to settle for the reception. which may be a good thing because I'd probably snap and make a big fool of myself at the whole "Speak now or forever hold your peace" part. My best friend Sheldon will now get a taste of how it feels for a past girlriend to be married... and the there's Shawn Fraser He was away on his Mission, and hadn't been home for three months when I heard that he was engaged. this was just a week or two ago, he calls me up and tells me he's going to make me feel ten years older, then breaks the news. I told him that he only made me feel five years older. but that was before I heard that Cheryl was getting married as well. I spent over an hour on the phone with Shawn findng out what this girl was like, I diddn't get the spelling but phonetically her name is "CAH-rrie" and it sounds like Shawn hit the fiancee jackpot she's a model, who speaks four languages, and has parents who are filthy rich. the only catch is that the inlaw situation isn't as good as it could be, to put it delicately. but I'm not on my topic. My topic is that so far, that's five couples, and seven people, (I don't personally know the fiancees/spouses of Cheryl, Sarah, or Shawn) who've deciced they know who they want for the rest of their time on earth. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning the choices my friends are making, but I can't even concieve how marriage can occur before a persons mid mid-twenties... My Dad was in his forties by the time he married, so it's probably just me. as a matter of fact, I'm impressed that I have friends who are confident making this decision at this point in their lives, while I can't even decide whether I wan't a coke or a coffee for my next class! which by the way I need to go to right now. I'm late!
But let me continue. I need to bitch.
There seems to be a rather strange phenomenon regarding information, and my reception of it. It doesn’t happen. I’m not sying that people tell me things and I nod and say "yep, yep, yep" while not recieving the message (though that does happen far more than I’d like) I’m saying nobody tells me anything. I have chronic "Last-to-know" syndrome. Sometimes my friends present legitimate excuses for not informing me, but all too often, it’s a case of "Oh, I forgot. Sorry." or, "It never occurred to me to tell you, Sorry." or, "I didn’t think it’d matter to you." One way or the other there’s always ALL this stuff going on that I never hear about.
I can’t remember how many times I’ve learned about two friends of mine being an "item" a month or two into the relationship or I make a couple-hood related comment to someone only to find out they broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend last week. There’s gossip that goes around that I don’t hear about until it’s old, old news that’s long been resolved, and on a few occaisions vicious rumors about me, that I’m unable to defend myself against because I don’t know they’re around!!!!
Allow me to cite an example: Back in the eleventh grade a friend of mine, Holly* had a party where we all crashed in her basement for the night, I was sharing the rather narrow couch with a girl named Roslyn. As a result I ended up rolling of the couch sometime in the night, wedging myself between the couch and the foam mattress which had been pushed up against it. The current focus of my still-notorious 5-minute Crushes was - at that - time a girl named Fiona. I don’t know if I awoke upon impact or sometime after my tumble from the couch, but I found my self staring into Fiona’s sleeping face - my nose only inches from hers. So I began stroking her hair, as I recall, just because it seemed, to my adolescent mind, a romantic kind of thing to do.
I don’t recall if she woke up or not, but if she did it was after I had stopped. All I know is that two or three weeks later I happened upon a conversation regarding that night, and Fiona’s accusation that I had "fondled her breasts, while she was sleeping"! this had been circulating for two weeks as truth, because I hadn’t denied it! the one saving grace of the whole matter was that apparently most of my friend had chosen to believe my reputation over Fiona’s word. (Thanks to those of you who did.) Upon mentioning it to other friends I was chagrined to learn it was old news to them, and not one had bothered to tell me.
I can’t help but think it’s some kind of confidentiality field that surrounds me, because these same people tell others these things, they just never reach me.