Young Frankenstein

Igor: My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.    Igor: It's times like this that I remember what my old dad used to say.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: What was that?  Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom all day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"    [From inside the haycart.]  Inga: Hallo! Vould you like a roll in ze hay?  [Dr. Frankenstein stutters]  Inga: It's fun!  [She begins to roll in the hay.]  Inga: Roll, roll, roll in ze hay!    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Hearts and kidneys are tinkertoys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags?  Igor: [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban.    Frau Blucher: Would the doctor care for a brandy before retiring?  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: No. Thank you.  Frau Blucher: Some varm milk... perhaps?  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: No, thank you very much.  Frau Blucher: Ovaltine?  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Nothing! Thank you. I'm a little tired.  Frau Blucher: Then I vill say... goodnight.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Goodnight!    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: That music...  Frau Blucher: Yes! It's in your blood - it's in the blood of ALL Frankensteins! It reaches the soul when words are useless. Your grandfather used to play it to the creature HE vas making!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Then it was you all the time!  Frau Blucher: Yes!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: You played that music in the middle of the night...  Frau Blucher: Yes!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: ...to get us to the laboratory!  Frau Blucher: Yes!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: That was YOUR cigar smoldering in the ashtray!  Frau Blucher: Yes!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: And it was you... who left my grandfather's book out for me to find!  Frau Blucher: Yes!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: So that I would...  Frau Blucher: Yes!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Then you and Victor were...  Frau Blucher: YES! YES! Say it! He vas my... BOYFRIEND!    [Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors.]  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: What knockers!  Inga: Oh, thank you doctor!    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?  Igor: And you won't be angry?  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.  Igor: Abby someone.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Abby someone. Abby who?  Igor: Abby Normal.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Abby Normal?  Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Do you mean to tell me that I put an abnormal brain into an, 8 foot tall, 300 pound, GORILLA?!!!    [Dr. Frankenstein leans in for a kiss.]  Elizabeth: Taffeta, darling.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Taffeta, dear.  Elizabeth: [pulling away] No, the dress is taffeta. It wrinkles so easily.    [Froederick and Igor are exhuming a dead criminal.]  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: What a filthy job.  Igor: Could be worse.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: How?  Igor: Could be raining.  [It starts to pour.]    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius!    Igor: Dr. Frankenstein...  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen."  Igor: You're putting me on.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."  Igor: Do you also say "Froaderick"?  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: No... "Frederick."  Igor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronensteen."  Igor: I see.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: You must be Igor.  [He pronounces it ee-gor.]  Igor: No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."  Igor: Well, they were wrong, weren't they?    Inga: Werewolf!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Werewolf?  Igor: There Wolf; There Castle!    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Damn your eyes!  Igor: [to camera] Too late.    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged.  Inga: His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Exactly.  Inga: He vould have an enormous Shwanstooker!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: That goes without saying.  Inga: Voof!  Igor: He's going to be very popular.    [After sex with The Monster]  Elizabeth: Oh! Where you going? ...Oh, you men are all alike! Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag! YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Oh... I think I love him!    [Upon seeing the monster's manhood]  Elizabeth: Oh my God! Woof!    [In Victor Frankenstein's laboratory]  Igor: [sings] Ain't got no body, and nobody cares for me! Yakata cha!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Igor!  Igor: Froedrick!  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: How did you get here?  Igor: The dumbwaiter.    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: You know, I'm a very prominent surgeon. I can do something about your hump.  Igor: What hump?    [The gramophone tape during the reading of the will.]  Voice of the deceased: All of my possessions will go to my family,  [The names of those in the room are read off]  Voice of the deceased: "Unless.......  Reader of the will: Flip it over!  Herr Falkstein: "Oh!"  Voice of the deceased: My grandson Fredrick has made some grand accomplishment to science. He will then be sole heir of all my earthly possessions.  Heiress: Has he made a contribution to science?  Reader of the will: He is the fifth best in his field!  Heiress: AH SHIT!    [As monster runs out the door]  The Blindman: Wait! Where are you going? I was going to make Espresso!    Inspector Kemp: Vee had better confeerm de fect dat Yunk Frankenshtein iss indeed VALLOWING EEN EES GANDFADDA'S VOOTSHTAPS!!  Villagers: What??  Inspector Kemp: Following in his grandfather's footsteps, footsteps, footsteps.  Villagers: Ohhh! Footsteps!    Medical Student: What about your grandfather's work?  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: My grandfather's work was doo-doo!    Inspector Kemp: A riot is an ungly thing ... undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun!    Igor: Wait Master, it might be dangerous... you go first.    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: [dreaming] I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that! I don't believe in fate! And I won't say it.  [pauses]  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: All right, you win. I give. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT'S FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT'S FOR ME!    Inspector Kemp: Let's all go have some sponge cake and a little wine...  [his mechanical arm slips off]  Inspector Kemp: and shit!    [Friedrich arrives at the Transylvania station]  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: Pardon me, boy. Is this the Transylvania station?  Shoe-Shine Boy: Ja, ja! Track 29! Can I give you a shine?    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: LIFE! DO YOU HEAR ME?! GIVE MY CREATION... LIFE!!!    Inga: You haven't even touched your food.  [Friedrich explodes and slaps on his food]  Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: There! I've touched it!    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: [singing] If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits...  The Monster: [in a high, squeaky voice] 'UTTIN' ON THE 'IIIIITZ!    Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: PUT THE CANDLE BACK!!

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