Tommy Boy

Ray Zalinsky: What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public, alright? Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm. Richard: That's because I'm laying it on you pretty thick. Tommy: But what if the Guarantee Fairy's a crazy glue sniffer? Next thing you know there's change missing from your dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times. Richard: I can practically hear you getting fatter! Michelle: Listen you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you! Richard: Your dad could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves. Tommy: Did you hear I graduated? Richard: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right. Tommy: A lot of people go to college for seven years. Richard: Yeah, they're called doctors. [Richard's car is destroyed by a deer] Richard: No way that just happened. Tommy: I've seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that... was... AWESOME!!! Oh, sorry about your car, man. Tommy: I passed! [hugging a stranger] I passed! I wish we'd known each other... this is a little awkward. Richard: Did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie talkie? Tommy: It was cordless. Tommy: I can't believe he called me a psycho. Richard: You are a psycho and comb your hair. Tommy: You know, you can get a good look at a butcher's ass by shoving your head up it but wouldn't you rather take his word for it? [Saying it correctly.] Tommy: You can take a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a bull's ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butcher's word for it? [About M&M's.] Tommy: They have a thin candy shell. I'm surprised you didn't know that. Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell. Richard: Housekeeping, you want me to jack you off? Tommy: What kinda hotel is this? Tommy: If I wanted a kiss I'd call your mother. Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat? Richard: No, your face does. Tommy: You kids better pray to the god of skinny punks this wind doesn't pick up, cuz if it does I'm gonna sail over there and shove an oar up your ass. Michelle: I saw him kissing his mom. Tommy: So? Michelle: With his tongue. Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright. Paul: Does it make a difference? Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time? Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is. Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh! She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push. Paul: And? Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee. Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb? Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas. Richard Hayden: Ya know what? If you don't know how to use your seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tackhammer because you are a retard. Ray Zalinsky: Ted, send over a bucket of ice with a bottle of champagne. Have the card read, "Tough luck, use the bucket to ice down your marbles, get drunk on me, signed Z." Richard Hayden: Okay, it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...? Tommy: No shit from anyone! Richard Hayden: No. Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners! Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer. Tommy: Right! ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~