David/Bud Parker: "They're happy like this."
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: "No, David. Nobody's happy in a poodle skirt and a sweater set."

Betty Parker: "Mary Sue?"
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: "Yeah?"
Betty Parker: "What goes on up at Lover's Lane?"
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: "What do you mean?"
Betty Parker: "Well, you hear these things spending so much time up there. Uh, is it holding hands? That kind of thing?"
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: "Yeah! That and..."
Betty Parker: "What?"
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: "It doesn't matter."
Betty Parker: "No, I wanna know."
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: "Well, sex."
Betty Parker: "Oh. What's sex?"

David/Bud Parker: "We're supposed to be in school."
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: "We're supposed to be at home, David. We're supposed to be in color!"

(After Mary Sue explains to Betty about sex.)
Betty Parker: "Your father would never do anything like that."
Mary Sue: "Ohhh. Hmm. Well, you know Mom, there are ways to enjoy yourself without Dad."

Skip: "Hiya, Bud!"
Bud: "Hiya, Skip!"
Skip: "Hiya, Bud!"
Bud: "Hiya, Skip!"
Skip: "Bud, can I ask you a question?"
Bud: "Sure."
Skip: "Well, if I was to go up to your sister... What I mean is, if I was to go up to Mary Sue..."
Bud: "Oh my God... are we in that episode?"

Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: Can I ask you a question?
David/Bud Parker: Sure.
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: How come I'm still in black and white?
David/Bud Parker: What?
Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: I've had ten times as much sex as the rest of these girls, and I still look like this. I mean, they spend an hour in the back seat of some car and all the sudden they're in Technicolor?
David/Bud Parker: I don't know. Maybe it's not just the sex.

David's Mom: When your father was here, I used to think, "This was it. This is the way it was always going to be. I had the right house. I had the right car. I had the right life."
David: There is no right house. There is no right car.
David's Mom: God, my face must look like a mess.
David: It looks great.
David's Mom: It's really sweet of you but I'm sure it does not look great.
David: Sure it does. Come here.
David's Mom: I'm 40 years old. I mean it's not supposed to be like this.
David: It's not supposed to be anything. Hold still.
David's Mom: How'd you get so smart all of a sudden?
David: I had a good day.

Jennifer/Mary Sue Parker: I knew you'd pay a price for this. I knew you couldn't be so hopelessly geek-ridden for so long without suffering some really tragic consequences.

Big Bob: Up until now everything around here has been, well, pleasant. Recently certain things have become unpleasant. Now, it seems to me that the first thing we have to do is to separate out the things that are pleasant from the things that are unpleasant.

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