Drew: I'm thinking about taking that new chick from Logistics. If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You know: Oh! Oh!
Bob Slydell: I'll be honest with you, I love his music, I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman"!
Tom Smykowski: It's a "Jump to Conclusions Mat"! You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO!
Samir: This is a fuck!
Bob Slydell: Would you bare with me for just a second here.
Bob Slydell: Wha-What would you say you do here?
[Peter, Michael, and Samir around copier]
[Staring at the constantly malfunctioning office printer.]
Michael Bolton: That question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Joanna: How dare you judge me? Look at you! You're just some penny-stealing...criminal...man.
Peter Gibbons: [Talking about plan to steal from Initech] We have to promise right now we don't tell anybody about this, no friends, no family members, no one but us.
Lawrence: Hey Peter, check it out, channel 9, it's the breast exams!
Samir: No! Not again! Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam! I swear to God one of these days I'm just going to kick this piece of shit out of the window.
Peter Gibbons: He's going to ask me to work on Sunday and I'm going to do it, because I'm a pussy, which is why I work at Initech in the first place.
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Samir: No one is this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Nayee-Nanajar. Nayeenanajar.
Peter Gibbons: I don't like my job and I don't think I'll go anymore.
Bob Slydell: If you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right to Peter Gibbons. We had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.
Steve: Hi, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
Michael Bolton: We're not going to some white collar resort prison. No, no, no! We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison!
Peter Gibbons: Hey Lawrence, you wanna come over?
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Bob Slydell: Looks like you've been missing quite a bit of work lately.
Bob Slydell: Milton Waddams.
Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Peter Gibbons: It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone)] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and its not okay because if they take my stapler then ill set the building on fire.
Peggy: Now Milton, dont be greedy, lets pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Peggy: Just pass.
[the cake passes and everybody but Milton gets a piece]
Milton Waddams: [whispering] I could set the building on fire.
Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler.
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt on the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...
Peter Gibbons: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to "Vibe"?
Peter Gibbons: You know the Nazis had pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.
[Stuck in traffic]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and next Friday...is Hawaiian shirt day...so, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
Rob Newhouse: You know, minimum security prison is no picnic. I had a client in there once. He said the trick is kick someone's ass the first day, or become somebody's bitch. Then everything will be alright.
Milton Waddams: I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still have not received my paycheck and they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it.
Tom Smykowski: Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to! I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?
Peter Gibbons: I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I hoped it could be.
Lawrence: [as Peter leaves to confess to Lumbergh about stealing money, knowing he may go to prison] "Peter ... Watch out for your cornhole..."
[Peter, Michael & Samir are trying to figure out how to launder money]
Peter Gibbons: When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Michael Bolton: You haven't even been showing up for work, and you got to keep your job.
Bill Lumbergh: Ahh, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too...
Peter Gibbons: When I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
Peter Gibbons: What if we're...still doin' this when we're fifty? S
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