The Muppet Movie

The Muppet Movie

Bernie--the Hollywood Agent: I've to catch a plane.
Kermit the Frog: With that tongue? No way.

[Kermit has ordered a $.98 bottle of wine for he and Miss Piggy.]
Insolent Waiter: Would you like to smell the bottlecap?

[Gonzo, holding a bunch of balloons, is lofted into the air.]
Kermit the Frog: Gonzo, what are you doing?
Gonzo: About seven knots!

Statler: I like this film fine so far!
Waldorf: It hasn't started yet!
Statler: That's what I like about it!

Bernie: Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.
Kermit the Frog: Have you tried Hare Krishna?

[Fozzie is performing stand-up comedy.]
Fozzie Bear: There was this sailor that was _so_ fat - Fat Sailor: How fat was he?
[breaks bottle]
Fozzie Bear: Uh ... He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.

[Being booed off the stage of the El Sleezo Cafe]
Fozzie Bear: I'm a professional! I've had three performances!

El Sleezo Patron: Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.
El Sleezo Patron: Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit the Frog: I don't even know you!
El Sleezo Tough: Hey, you botherin' my girl?
Kermit the Frog: No sir!
El Sleezo Patron: He did so. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough: Uch! Go wash, you'll get warts.
Kermit the Frog: No, that's just a myth.
El Sleezo Tough: Yeah, but she's *my* "myth."
Kermit the Frog: No, a *myth*, *myth*.
"Myth": Yeth?

Doc Hopper: We're a small-time operation, but we're expanding, expanding! Just like you frogs expand. Don't you frogs expand?
[blows out his cheeks]
Kermit the Frog: That's a myth!
Doc Hopper: A what?
Kermit the Frog: Myth! Myth!
"Myth": Yeth?
Kermit the Frog: Good grief, it's a running gag.

[Fozzie is driving, Kermit is navigating, as they approach a fork in the road.]
Kermit the Frog: Bear left!
Fozzie Bear: Right, frog!

[In their newly painted Studebaker]
Fozzie Bear: I don't know how to thank you guys.
Kermit the Frog: I don't know why to thank you guys.

Rowlf the Dog: Stay away from women, that's my motto.
Kermit the Frog: But I can't.
Rowlf the Dog: Neither can I: that's my trouble.

Rowlf the Dog: [singing] You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. / There's something irrestibilish about 'em. / We grin and bear it because the nights are long. / I hope that something better comes along.

Statler: Well, how do you like the film?
Waldorf: I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this.
[They cackle]

Gonzo: [singing] This looks familiar, vaguely familiar, / Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet. / Close to my soul, and yet so far away. / I'm going to go back there someday.

[After singing "America, The Beautiful"]
Fozzie Bear: Patriotism swells in the heart of the American Bear.

Zoot: I'm, ah... I'm...
Dr. Teeth: Zoot. Sax is your axe. Uh oh, Zoot skipped a groove again.

Kermit the Frog: Durn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog? The tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.

Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie Bear: Oh, I took a correspondence course.

Insolent Waiter: Sparkling Muscatel. One of the finest wines of Idaho.

Gonzo: Oh, I tell ya, Camilla, great plumbers are born, not made! I'm the prince of plungers, fair maiden!

Fozzie Bear: A bear in his natural habitat. A Studebaker.

Lew Lord: Draw up the standard "rich and famous" contract for Kermit the Frog and company.

Big Bird: I'm going to New York to try to break into public television!

Kermit the Frog: What's happening?
Floyd Pepper: At the moment, we're what's happening.

Floyd Pepper: We am is are and be they whom as are known as the Electric Mayhem!

Dr. Teeth: Golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my presence!

Dr. Teeth: Oh yeah, that's Animal. Show 'em what you do, Animal!
Animal: I what do! Eat drums! Rarrrrgh!
[eats drums]
Dr. Teeth: No! No! Not eat drums! Beat drums! Beat drums!

[To catch Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem up on the story so far, Fozzie hands them the screenplay.]
Fozzie Bear: It starts here on page, uh, one.
Dr. Teeth: "The Muppet Movie," huh? "Exterior swamp, day. In a long helicopter shot, we discover Kermit the Frog playing the banjo and singing..."

Kermit the Frog: Life's like a movie / Write your own ending.

Gonzo: I'm going to Bombay, India, to become a movie star!
Fozzie Bear: You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star. You go where we're going: Hollywood!
Gonzo: Sure, if you want to do it the easy way!

[Kermit's bike is crushed under a steamroller]
Kermit the Frog: That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop I'd be gone with the Schwinn.

Floyd Pepper: Hey, what are you dudes doing in here?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I am so glad you asked. We are perfecting our latest invention: Insta-Grow pills.
Floyd Pepper: Yeah, well what in the name of Fats Waller is that?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: A four-foot prune.
Floyd Pepper: A four-foot prune.

Fozzie Bear: I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, then, you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?

Kermit the Frog: I'm out here with a pig and a chicken and a bear and a dog and a... thing, whatever Gonzo is...

Kermit: OK, we've been going along this black line, then we crossed this red line.
Fozzie: Why don't we take that blue line?
Kermit: We can't take that, that's a river.

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