Hospital Administrator: And what are you doing this morning?
Man with Pink Suit: [singing] Pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space / 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth!
Not Noel Coward: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. [singing] Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? / Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? / It's swell to have a stiffy. / It's divine to own a dick, / From the tiniest little tadger / To the world's biggest prick. / So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas. / Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake, / Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, / Your Percy, or your cock. / You can wrap it up in ribbons. / You can slip it in your sock, / But don't take it out in public, / Or they will stick you in the dock, / And you won't come back!
Grim Reaper: Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls!
Grim Reaper: Shut up, you American! You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
Father: The mill's closed. There's no more work. We're destitute.
Waiter: You see that house? That is where I was born. My mother said to me, "Garcon. The world is a beautiful place, and you must spread joy and contentment everywhere you go". And so I became a waiter. ...Well, I know it is not a great philosophy but... [pauses, looks offended] Well, fuck you! I can live my life in my own way if I want to. [begins to walk away in disgust] Fuck off! Don't come following me!
Priest at boarding school: Oh, Lord. You're so BIG. So awfully huge. We're all really impressed down here, I can tell you!
Maitre d': Good evening sir and how are we today?
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