[A gun goes off at the football game.]
Hot Lips Houlihan: Oh my God! They've shot him!
Henry Blake: Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter!

Maj. Houlihan: I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps!
Father Mulcahy: He was drafted.

Col. Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix from headquarters about you...says you stole a jeep.
Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.

[Trapper is guest of honor at a party celebrating his appointment as Chief Surgeon.]
Trapper John: ...No! No booze! Sex! I want sex! [notices Hot-Lips across the mess tent] That one! The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes! Bring her to me! Take her clothes off and bring her to me!

[Frank Burns has just been sent away in a straitjacket after attacking Hawkeye.]
Duke: Colonel, fair's fair...if I punch Hawkeye and nail Hot-Lips, can I go home too?

Hot-Lips Houlihan: This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum! And it's your fault!

Gen. Hamilton: Henry, I have some reports here from your Major Houlihan that I frankly find hard to believe.
Henry Blake: Well, don't believe them then, General. Good-bye.
[hangs up]

[Hawkeye and Duke drive away, having received their traveling orders]
Col. Blake: Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?
Radar: No sir, that's the one he came in.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake: Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.

Captain Walter Kosciusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski, D.D.S.: I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home.

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