Liar Liar

Liar Liar

(After sex)
Miranda: "ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?"
Fletcher: "I've had better."

Fletcher: "You scratched my car!"
Motor Pool Guy: "That was already there."
Fletcher: "YOU LIAR! You know what I'm going to about this....Absolutely nothing, because if go to court, it'll just drain eight hours of my life I'll never get back, and you'll probably stiff me anyway. So I'm just going to moan and complain like some impotent jerk, and take it up the tailpipe."
Motor Pool Guy: "You've been here before, haven't you?"

Judge Stevens: "Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!"
Fletcher: "I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?"

Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Fletcher: "Depends on how long you were following me."
Cop: "Let's start from the top."
Fletcher: "Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!"
Cop: "Is that all?"
Fletcher: "No. ...I have unpaid parking tickets."

Max: I"s wrestling real?"
Fletcher: "In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no."

Secretary: "He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice."
Fletcher picking up phone and shouting: "Stop breaking the law, asshole!"

Bum: "Sir, can you spare a little change?"
Fletcher: "Yes I could."
Bum: "Well, will you?"
Fletcher: "No."
Bum: "Why not?"
Fletcher: "Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap."

Receptionist: "Do you like my new dress?"
Fletcher: "What ever takes the focus off your head!"

Fletcher: "You don't believe me, do ya?"
Greta: "Of course not."
Fletcher: "How ironic!"

Fletcher: "The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!"

Max Reede: "If I keep making this face...will it get stuck like that?"
Fletcher: "Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way."

Fletcher: "Your honor, I object!"
Judge: "And why is that, Mr. Reed?"
Fletcher: "Because it's devastating to my case!"

Guy in the Washroom: "What're you doing?"
Fletcher: "I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?!"

Office Worker: "Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?"
Fletcher: (groans) "Short, shriveled, and always to the left."

Fletcher: "You brought your kids to your court hearing?"
Samantha: "Sympathy."
Fletcher: "Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!"

Fletcher: "I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete!"

Secretary: "A burglar tried to break into my friend's house, fell through a skylight, and cut his leg on a knife on the kitchen counter. He sued her and won $6,000. Is that justice?"
Fletcher: "No. I woulda got him ten."

Max Reid: "My dad's a liar. He goes to court and lies."

Fletcher: "Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?"
Mrs. Cole: "Oh yeah. One for sure."
Fletcher: "After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion."
Mrs. Cole: "Seven."
Fletcher: "Hmmm."
Mrs. Cole: "Seven single acts of indiscretion."
Fletcher: "Whatever."

Max Reid: "I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie."

Max Reid: "My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside."
Fletcher: "That's just something ugly people say."

Fletcher: "Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got."

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