The History of the World: Part One

History of the World: Part One

Auctioneer: Where are you from?
Josephus: Ethiopia
Auctioneer: What part?
Josephus: 125th Street.

Comicus: The only thing we Romans don't have a god for is premature ejaculation. But I hear that's coming quickly!

Count De Monet: Don't get saucy with me, Bernaise.

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a BULLSHIT artist!

Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: Hey, I got a great corkscrew.
Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!

Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!

Oedipus: Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! - Hey Josephus!
Josephus: What's up, motherfucker!

Swiftus: Oh you are nuts. N-V-T-S - nuts!

Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!
Fellow Revolutionist: She's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier! [laughs] Au-haw-haw.
Crowd: Au-haw-haw.

Empress Nympho: [to her litterbearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!

Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!

Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic.

Empress Nympho: Do I have any openings that this man might fit?

Marcus Vindictus: What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant.
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits.

[Condemned for offending Emperor Nero with his stand-up routine.]
Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!

King Louis XVI: It's good to be the king!

Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!

Plumbing Salesman: Pipe the shit out of your house!

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