Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore

(The audience is getting wild.)
Shooter McGavin: "Damn you people. Go back to your shanties."

Virginia: "What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?"
Happy: "I didn't *break* it, I was merely testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I wanted it to be near its family."

Nursing Home Orderly: "Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today."
Old Woman: "My fingers hurt."
Nursing Home Orderly: "What's that?"
Old Woman: "My fingers hurt."
Nursing Home Orderly: "Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt? ...I didn't think so."

Happy: "During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."

Happy: "Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think?"
Caddy: "And a slant to the left."
Happy: "That's 'cause you're only wearing one shoe."

Grandma: "What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?"
Happy: "Oh, she's dead. She got hit by a car."

Happy: "You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact."

Happy Gilmore to Bob Barker: "The price is wrong, bitch!"

Happy: "I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too."
Virginia: "Do you always carry a puck with you?"
Happy: "Yeah."
(Virgina shoots puck and scores)
Happy: "Holy shit. Talk about your all time back-fires."

Shooter McGavin: "Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say."
Happy Gilmore: "Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?"

Happy: "If I ever caught myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass!"

Grandma: "Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep."
The Nursing Home Orderly: "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my world now, baby."

Verne Lundquist: "Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational."

Happy Gilmore: "I was on this tour for one reason - money - but now I've got a new reason: kicking your ass!"

Shooter McGavern: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast."
Happy Gilmore: "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?!"

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