The First Wives Club

[About her ex-husband's date.]
Brenda: What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?

Brenda: My Morty became this big shot on TV...then it hits: midlife crisis. Major. He starts working out. He grows a mustache. He gets an earring! I said, "Morty, what are you, a pirate? What's next, a parrot?"

Brenda: There she is. Princess Pelvis!

Elise Elliot: Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!

Uncle Carmine: Brenda, I speak, on behalf of my dearly departed brother, your father, that Morty is garbage, and that it would be an honor to take him out.

[Finding empty liquor bottles in trash.]
Brenda: Let's examine the evidence. Look! Nothing but bottles and gallon jugs!
Elise: I had guests!
Brenda: Who? Guns N Roses?

Elise: I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.
Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink.

Annie: I'm very sorry I've ever met you. And I'm sorry that I allowed myself to love you for all those years. I'm sorry that I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every hour and support you in you're every MOVE. I'm sorry!

Chris Paradis: Dad, I'm a lesbian. A big one.

Elise Elliot: You think that because I'm beautiful I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!

Ivana Trump: Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything.

Elise Elliot Atchison: If only she'd called me. If only I was listed.

Dr. Morris Packman: If I give you any more collagen, they'll look like they were stuck in a pool drain.

Bill: You vindictive sack of silicone!

Brenda Morelli Cushman: My, my, the bulimia has certainly paid off.

Catherine: You are married. You have a daughter. You don't need self-esteem.

Elise Elliot Atchison: It's the 90s, plastic surgery is like good grooming.

Dr. Morris Packman: If I give you another face lift you are going to be able to blink your lips!

[Upon seeing a slinky dress]
Brenda Morelli Cushman: Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!

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