Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself.
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.
Metatron: Wax on, wax off.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
Loki--"Let it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results!"
Azrael--"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater.....than central air."
Rufus (talking about Jesus)--"Knew Him? Shit, nigga owes me twelve bucks!"
Bethany: What's he like? God?
Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me -- a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.
Loki: I love fucking with the clergy.
[To shocked passenger, after throwing Bartleby off the train]
Metatron: You people! If it hasn't been made into a movie, it's not worth knowing about, is that it?
Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out.
Loki: Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
Bartleby: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid.
Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, I swear to God.
Bethany Sloane: Sex is a joke in heaven?
[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]
[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me ten dollars from a bet over which was going to be the bigger movie, E.T. or Krush Groove.
Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Bethany Sloane: You were martyred?
Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany Sloane: May I ask what brought you here?
Metatron: You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar!
Gun Salesman: We call this next item "The Fecalator." One look at it, and the target shits his or her pants.
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