Al Czervik: Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Judge Smails: Ty, I'm no slouch you know.
Al Czervik: Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
[Caddy Danny arrives among the rich in his yachting outfit]
Ty: I like you Betty.
Spalding: This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.
Sandy: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Al Czervik: Your a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Carl Spackler: He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.
Al Czervik: [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?
Danny: I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Al Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
Judge Smails: It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts aren't too tight in the seat.
Judge Smails: Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed wih a fine chamois, and I want them now! Chop chop!
Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one---big hitter, the Lama---long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Carl Spackler: Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my -
Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Ty Webb: A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a danish.
Ty Webb: I was born to love you. I was born to lick your face. I was born to rub you. But you were born to rub me first.
Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college.
Carl Spackler: I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.
Carl Spackler: This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.
Ty Webb: You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
Ty Webb: So what brings you to this nape of the woods?
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