Julien: But after my nap I always watch the Kangaroo Song.
Sonny Koufax: It's overtime right now and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens about once every ten years so...
Julien: Kangaroo song, kangaroo song, KANGAROO SONG!
Sonny Koufax: ALLLRRIIIGGGHTT!
Sonny Koufax: Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.
[Discussing Vanessa's new senior citizen boyfriend]
Vanessa: He has a five year plan.
Sonny Koufax: What is it? "Don't die"?
Layla Maloney: So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other?
Sonny Koufax: Yeah.
Layla Maloney: Is that strange for you?
Sonny Koufax: Uh, nothing changed really. They watch a different kind of porno now.
[Music playing in the background]
Layla Maloney: This is Styx.
Sonny Koufax: Yeah.
Layla Maloney: They've been my favorite band since I was, like, twelve.
Sonny Koufax: You're kidding me?
Layla Maloney: No, no, I can't help it, I just love them. My friends make fun of me all the time.
Sonny Koufax: My friends make fun of me all the time, too. I've seen them, like, twenty-five times. Tommy Shaw, when I was, like, sixteen years old, I was at the concert, he actually reached out and grabbed my hand, pulled me up on stage, and I got to do the robot voice for Mr. Roboto!
Sonny Koufax: The kid just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel.
Sonny Koufax: Don't worry about me making money. I'm in love with a girl who makes plenty of it. She could be my sugar mamma.
Homeless Guy: I gotta get me one of those.
Sonny Koufax: Hey, the money I won in the cab accident is kicking ass in the stockmarket right now.
Sonny Koufax: Julian, what do you want?
Julian: Thirty packets of ketchup.
Sonny Koufax: There's a rough patch in my life right now, alright? Syracuse is 0 and 3. I got those medical problems.
Vanessa: Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot 2 years ago, you spend one night in the hospital.
Sonny Koufax: First of all that cab was huge. And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth two hundred thousand dollars, so there ya go.
Sonny Koufax: Hey, you stay away from the frozen food section. Your boobs'll harden.
Corinne Maloney: What's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?
Sonny Koufax: Did she say we were doing laundry? Because where I come from, it's called "doing the hibbidy-dibbidy."
Sonny Koufax: Congratulations! You and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna get along just fine.
Kevin Gerrity: Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.
Sonny Koufax: You're going to explain to your kids that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?
Kevin Gerrity: That was five years ago, Sonny! She's a foot doctor now. So from now on, Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.
[Sonny is dressed up as Scuba Sam]
Sonny Koufax: Hi, Julian! I'm Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. You know, my son needs to take a bath, but he's afraid to bathe alone. So, I was wondering if you'd accompany him in the tub. Great, and after your bath, you need to study hard because if you want to be in the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart.
Julian: I can be in the Scuba Squad?
Sonny Koufax: Why sure! All you have to do is work hard and don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad because then everyone will want to join.
Homeless Guy: Sonny was real nice to the kid. Wish my father was like him. My father was a military man. Guess I wasn't such a good soldier. Anyways, when I was 35, he tried to give me a crewcut while I was asleep. I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live in a dumpster then under his freaky-ass rules! Anyways, I think Sonny Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges. If O.J. can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid? [points at a black man] This guy knows what I'm talking about! No more questions!
Ted Castelucci: Objection, Your Honor! The court is interested in the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.
Lenny Koufax: You want my opinion? My son is a moron.
Ted Castelucci: I withdraw my objection. Please proceed!
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Life and Success ~
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