Carol: "Must try other people's clean silverware as part of fun of dining out."
Melvin: "What I know is, is that as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat crap who or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors now?"
Simon Bishop: You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.
Simon Bishop: The life that I was trying for is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
Carol: Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Carol: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you---
Carol: Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?
Frank: I grew up in hell! My grandmother has more attitude than you!
Frank: If there's a mental health organization that raises money for people like you, be sure to let me know.
Melvin: Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.
Carol: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.
Carol Connelly: Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Carol: Fucking H.M.O. bastard pieces of shit!
[To a group of depressed psychiatric patients]
Melvin Udall: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.
Melvin Udall: Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Melvin: I could be in bed with a woman who if you make her laugh, you have a life.
Melvin Udall: How can you diagnose someone with an obsessive compulsive disorder, then act like I have some choice about barging in here?
Melvin: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Simon Bishop: I love you, Melvin.
Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Melvin Udall: I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Carol: Do you want to dance?
Melvin Udall: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were fifty.
Simon Bishop: If you stare at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Simon Bishop: You... overwhelm me.
Simon Bishop: The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
[After telling Carol that he thinks she's the greatest woman on Earth]
Melvin Udall: Can I ask you a personal question?
Carol Connelly: Melvin, I'd rather not.
Melvin Udall: I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.
Melvin Udall: I can't get back to my old life. She's evicted me from my life!
[To a bartender.]
Carol Connelly: To hell with sex! It was better than sex! We held each other! What I needed, he gave me great.
[To Dr. Bettes, Spencer's wonderful new doctor.]
Dr. Martin Bettes: My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher. She said that I was to take excellent care of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work. What kind of work do you do?
Melvin Udall: You're a disgrace to depression.
[To Simon, who is in a wheelchair]
Carol Connelly: How are you?
Frank Sachs: You can take my car, a convertible. Do you drive?
Carol Connelly: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Melvin: "Where did they teach you to talk like this? At some Panama City sailor-wanna-hump-hump bar, or is this getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy somepleace else.. we're all stocked up here."
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