Charles "Chick" Chapple: I've never told anyone this before, but I'm afraid of flying. So it would be very embarrasing to die now.
Rockhound: You think that's bad? I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds.
Charles "Chick" Chapple: Boy, that's bad.

Charles "Chick" Chapple: Man, what are you doing with a gun in space?

Charles "Chick" Chapple: Right before A.J.'s dad died he told you to take care of his son. I don't think shooting him is taking care of him.
Harry Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg! Remember that one guy who worked all those years with one arm?
Chick "Chick" Chapple: Yep, but he wasn't very good.

F.B.I. Agent: Sir, we have a national security matter.
Rockhound: Good for you.

Lev Andropov: Don't touch my uncle! He is the genius of my family. He used to make the tip of the bomb, you know? That finds New York or Washington?

Ronald Quincy: I know the presidents' chief advisor, we were at MIT together. And, at this point in time, you really don't want to take advice from a man who got a C minus in astrophysics. The presidents' advisors are wrong. I am right.

Rockhound: Why do I do this? Three reasons: the pay is good, the scenery changes, and they let me use explosives.

A.J. Frost: Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?
Lev Andropov: No, I never saw Star Wars.

Col. Willie Sharp: Do you swear on your daughter's life, on my family's life, that you can hit that mark?

Grace Stamper: A.J. is my choice!
Harry S. Stamper: Choice? He's the only one here in your age bracket. That's not a choice, it's a lack of option.

Grace: I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you.

President: We didn't see this thing coming?
Dan Truman: Well, our object collision budget allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and begging your pardon, but that's a big-ass sky.

Rockhound: This is so much fun, it's freaky!

Rockhound: Well it's about time, I haven't thrown up in about an hour.


Harry Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg!

Harry: How long have you worked for me, A.J.?
A.J.: Five wonderful years.
Harry: And in those five years you have never apologized to me this quickly, now what going on here?

General Kimsey: The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.

Oscar: I'm, like, 98% excited, and maybe 2% scared. Or maybe it's backwards. Maybe I'm 98% scared, and, like, 2% excited. But that's what makes it so great---I'm so confused!

Harry: Come on! You're NASA for Christ's sake! You're the ones who come up with this shit! Why I bet you have a bunch of guys sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up, and somebody backing them up. What's your contingency plan?
Truman: Our contingency plan?
Harry: Yeah, your back up plan. You've gotta have a back up plan.
Truman: No, we don't have a back up plan.

Harry S. Stamper: The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anyone wanna say no?
Charles "Chick" Chapple: 20 years, I've never let you down before. I'm there.

Harry S. Stamper: Houston, you have a problem.

Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person who finds her gets to name her right?
Dan: Yes, yes that's right, that's right.
Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.

Rockhound: I hate it when I know everything!

Rockhound: Hey Harry, you know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has two hundred thousand moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good doesn't it?

Rockhound: Look, we've got front row tickets to the end of the earth!

AJ: You know what I was thinking?
Grace: What?
AJ: I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker.
Grace: Why?
AJ: Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, I mean well putting cheese on something is sort of a defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, i just-
Grace: Baby, you have such sweet pillow talk.

AJ: Oh man. Well, we all gotta die, right? I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world.

Lev Andropov: American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!

Col. Sharp: Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Airforce, ma'am. Requesting the permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met.

Col. William Sharp: United States astronauts train for years. You have twelve days.

Col. Sharp: Talk about the wrong stuff.

AJ: You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg.

Charles "Chick" Chapple: Harry, the clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking.

Grace Stamper: First time I got my period, Rock had to take me to Tai-Pei for Tampax. Then he had to show me how to use them.
[Off Harry's stern look]
Rockhound: I told her how to use them. I didn't show her, Harry.

Dan Truman: Are they physically able to survive the trip?
Dr. Banks: Personally, I don't see how they survived the tests.

Rockhound: You want to compare brainpans. I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princeton for two and a half years. Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes and the let me use explosives.

Lev Andropov: I am the only cosmonaut on this mission, and now I am going to go save your American asses!

Harry S. Stamper: Just a little help, God, that's all I'm asking.
Max: I think we're close enough He might have heard ya.

Oscar Choi: This is deep blue hero stuff.

Lev Andropov: I'm the only astronaut on this mission and I'm going to save your American asses.

President: I address you tonight not as the President of the United States, not as a leader of a country, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. The Bible calls this day 'Armageddon' - the end of all things. And yet, for the first time in the history of the planet, a species has the technology to prevent its own extinction. All of you praying with us tonight need to know that everything that can be done to prevent this disaster is being called into service. The human thirst for excellence, knowledge; every step up the ladder of science; every adventurous reach into space; all of our combined technologies and imaginations; even the wars that we've fought have provided us the tools to wage this terrible battle. Through all of the chaos that is our history; through all of the wrong and the discord; through all of the pain and he suffering; through all of our times, there is one thing that has nourished our souls, and elevated our species above its origins, and that is our courage. The dreams of an entire planet are focused tonight on those fourteen brave souls traveling into the heavens. And may we, citizens the world over, see these events through. God speed, and good luck to you.

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