American Pie

Finch: God bless the Internet.

[During sex.]
Stifler's Mom: Oh, Finchy. Finch.
Finch: Oh, Stifler's Mom, whoa!

Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking USE them!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful.

Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.

Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

[At jazz choir rehearsal]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: So what'd you think?
Kevin: I thought you sounded really good.
Stifler: I think you need your balls reattached.

Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place...
Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX.

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

[On being sensitive]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vunerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Michelle: And this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [Choking on his beer.] Excuse me?
Michelle: What, you don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed! So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

Michelle: What's my name? SAY MY NAME, BITCH!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

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