Natalie's Journal

January 10, 2002

This is my first entry of 2002. I haven't made any resolutions because they never work for me. I am trying to be less lazy and more organized. Who can tell how long that's going to last. One major change I am going through is my decision to start wearing my hair naturally. (meaning no relaxers) I've gotten several different reactions to this, needless to say, many were not positive. That's fine because I have decided to stick to what I believe in. I believe that the majority of Black Americans (I don't know about anyone else in the world) have been brainwashed into believing that our hair must be straight in order for us to be considered beautiful. One woman even said, "Why would she want to do that?... and she's cute too!" I just don't understand why someone would consider me less beautiful once I stop getting relaxers. I've been wearing my hair in cornrows on and off since May and many black people have given me compliments and told me how good I look like that. (Most white people seem uncomfortable with my braids, but more on that later.) I don't plan on keeping my hair in braids forever because I don't want to end up with a receding hairline (this really does happen, but I just forgot the correct term for it) so I need to figure out ways to wear my hair when it's not braided. I have been trying styles now but it's very hard when I only have less than 1 inch of non-permed hair and I am SO SCARED to cut the rest of it off. I'm sure I won't look good with really short hair. I can just see it when I look at my face. Maybe if I start wearing makeup that will help, but once you start that it's hard to stop. You can't go a day without the makeup or you will probably look a mess. I don't know what I'm going to do. First, I really need to find a stylist who will deal with black natural hair. It seems like the only thing black stylists around here know is how to straighten and take care of STRAIGHT/processed hair, not nappy. Oh well. I must go now, but I'll definitely have more to say later.

January 13, 2002

My site looks a hot mess! I've just been letting it go and playing around all this time. No wonder nobody emails me about it anymore. Who knows if I'll ever get it back up. Maybe I'll just leave the journal on here. Who even cares about this anyway? It's really more for my benefit than anyone else's. I'm really having a lot of trouble with my patience lately. Actually, it's really an ongoing thing, but it's starting to really bother me now because I get impatient with my son way too much. I just don't know what to do with him. Some people say he acts this way because he's 2, but some people don't think I discipline him correctly. It's really hard, though, because I don't believe spanking a child really works all the time. I do it sometimes, but I don't want to really hurt him, but he turns around and does the same thing. I've also tried putting him in time-out which does work sometimes, but his memory seems pretty short. I don't know. I just hope this is just a stage, but sometimes I feel like exploding because he makes me so *&$^ing frustrated!

1/13/2002 (cont'd)

Okay, I had to take a break because he ended up getting into something. It's funny because as soon as I'm writing about how he frustrates me I hear, "Mommay! Commere!" (this is after my mom has called me so I guess he felt the need to help) I went to see him and he had this cute little smile that made everything else go away. He also has these wonderful fat fat cheeks. Everyone who sees him wants to kiss those cheeks. It's really funny because he's a little small for his age, but when you look at that fat face you wonder why he's not much bigger. Even though he makes me mad everyday, I still thank God everyday for putting him in my life. My baby boy is the best blessing I ever had. I have a lot of problems with his father not being around and not helping us out (but he'll be paying for my son's education one way or another), but I never blame those problems on my baby. I feel that Nate was meant to come into my life when he did and I have no regrets, even when I'm struggling, I just feel that I picked the wrong father for him. On the other hand, maybe I picked the right father. Maybe it was meant for Nate to be all mine for a couple of years before I have to share him with his father. Who knows, maybe I will get to raise Nathaniel the way I want to without his father ever interfering, since he is the prime definition of "dead-beat dad." Whichever way it turns out, I will always be thankful for the enormous blessing that is my son.

January 14, 2002

Well, a friend of mine recently commented that my journal has changed as far as honesty. I used to be very honest, now I really don't go into as many details. I guess that's true, but I feel I have good reason for it. So many people I knew started looking at my site and I suppose I really didn't want to open myself up to them so much. Isn't that strange? I'm willing to share myself with strangers and then maybe get to know them, but if I already know someone, I guard myself from them. I wonder why. For whatever reason, it's just a lot easier for me. I'm still uncovering a lot about myself anyway so maybe I'm afraid of people finding out I'm not as together as they previously thought. Perhaps I feel that someone who hasn't known me will come in and see me as who I am right now, and without them having previous opinions of me they can't really judge me as harshly. People who already know me, really don't know a lot about me and if they come here and find out these deep thoughts, their opinions will probably change and they may not even like me as much. I really don't want to care about that, but it does bother me to some extent. What I really really really need to do is stop giving a damn what people think of me and whether or not they will like me. You know, I've been living my whole life doing things based on whether or not something will make me look bad, or make me seem mean, or make someone not like me. I have made exceptions and done what I wanted regardless of what other people think, but so many of my actions are based on outside factors that it's ridiculous. I need to get over that and get my own damn life and say *&%$ everyone else.

January 16, 2002

I think I'm going to dedicate a section of my page to deadbeat dads. I was just thinking the other day how I should put a picture of my son's father on my site and put some type of remark about how much of an asshole he is to his son. I was joking at first, then I realized it might do some good. If I start getting some more people to my site again, perhaps someone who knows him will tell him about it. What I'm really hoping is that it will have an effect similar to what happens in cities where they put a picture of the dad on a billboard. I really was going to start this last night, but I couldn't figure out how to get the scanner program working right. It's got this other stupid program hooked up to it so whenever I try it, it goes to the other program instead of the one I actually want to use. I'm going to get it to work and you will soon see the results. Plus, I'm going to put a couple of pictures of Nathaniel up.

January 17, 2002

So I got in a chatroom last night for the first time in at least 2 years! I stayed up way too late, but I was LMAO!! Anyway, I met some nice people except one guy who kept trying to get nasty. I guess I just wasn't in the mood for all of that. I answered his question in a serious way, but it wasn't what he expected so he just left. I thought that was too funny! It's funny how I really wasn't trying to flirt much because when I would chat in the past, I always wanted to flirt. I just kept wishing my boyfriend was there so he could laugh with me. I am just so thankful for how good our relationship is and how much we have grown in the past year and 2 months. We started out as friends and ended up naturally coming to each other instead of looking for other people. We continue to get more and more honest with each other. Also we don't argue a lot and we've only had one short rough period which actually stemmed from a lack of communication (which has been improved). So I'm very happy. I hope that it stays this way. I have to remind myself not to take anything for granted. That goes for EVERYTHING.

January 24, 2002

So, I'm going through another depression-type stage. I've been blowing up at everyone lately. You know it's bad when you literally get upset over spilled milk which is what I did 2 days ago with Nathaniel. I know it wasn't his fault, it was mine for not paying attention, but for some reason I just got mad at him, but instead of spanking him, I made him leave the room. The thing about it is I stayed mad for awhile over that and other dumb sh*t. I just hope this ends soon. My sister is pissing me off daily, and I am acting so jealous with my boyfriend. I am getting upset over things that he's always done that never bothered me before. I know he loves me, but for some reason, I keep getting mad when he looks at girls on t.v. I'm being such an @sshole!!! I am DESPISING the way I'm acting. I am loathing the way I feel. It's hard for me to get over this bullsh%t because I don't even have a place to go where I can just be alone for one f***ing whole day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dammit! I'm sorry if I am offending anyone (really I'm not, but I'll just say so). I'm writing almost exactly what I feel. Really, I feel like saying more and just screaming, but it's not going to get my point across any better. This is such b.s. I'm 23 freaking years old and I am living with my grandmother and feeling on the verge of a heartattack on a regular basis. Until recently, I hadn't tried to get any help getting my own place because I was so afraid of being another black single mother on section 8, or on welfare, or on foodstamps. But f*ck that now. I feel like taking all of it just so I can live by myself (with my son of course). It is so hard not to have any space of my own, especially being an adult with a child. I'm supposed to be the one in charge. I'm supposed to be the one making the rules. I should be able to put my f***ing clothes on the floor the day before I wash them if I feel like it! I should be able to walk around naked if I want to. I should be able to eat and fix what I want to eat without any outside suggestions and without anyone else worrying about my meals. I'm not a child!!!! I am capable of taking care of myself. I just don't have the financial ability to do it because I am in school fulltime. Why am I being punished when all I'm trying to do is make a better future for me and for my child??????? I just don't understand. I don't understand. I wish I could just be taken away for about a week so I can have some freaking privacy.

May 25, 2002