Natalie's Journal

January 13, 1999

My first entry for 1999. I know it's been a long time, but life sucks and I've been too mad at it to write about it. I'm just getting over (I hope it's over) my worst episode of depression ever. I think it officially ended when I got rid of some people that were injecting their negative influences into my life. I've made some serious decisions and now life is okay again. So now you get to see more of my opinions! *S* First of all, I cannot stand nosey guys! I met this guy who asks me all kinds of unnecessary personal questions and he pisses me off!! I even told him outright that I am trying to stay away from guys altogether for awhile, but he's still asking me to come see him! I hardly even know him, why would I want to go see him? Lately, I've been getting a lot better at just coming right out and saying things because I used to only give hints because I was afraid of hurting peoples' feelings. The thing about that is, they end up making you so mad that you hurt their feelings even worse in the end. Another example of dummies not taking hints (or outright messages for that matter): I met this guy and he seemed really nice and smart so we exchanged numbers, but when he started calling things just didn't click because he was looking for a relationship and I wasn't. Anyway, I stopped calling him and wouldn't return his pages. Eventually, I felt bad so when he paged me one day I finally called him back and told him I was seriously involved with someone else and I wasn't interested in being anything more than his friend. So he agreed and we had a decent conversation afterward. So, I was very surprised when he called me the next day talking about how he was going to try his best to be with me because he knows that he can treat me "Like a queen" and be the best boyfriend or some b.s. like that. I couldn't believe this so I just half-listened and decided the best thing to do would be to just show him that I'm not interested, however, that didn't work. After he came to my job a couple times and annoyed (and embarrassed) me, I finally had to give him a reality check and remind him about this so-called other guy I was serious about. The thing is, when I told him he acted like he never knew!! This idiot even had the nerve to tell me that I led his stupid@ss on!!!! I could not believe it! How in the world did I lead him on when I NEVER called him, I NEVER went to see him or even acted like I WANTED to see him AND I told him TWICE that I was involved with someone! How much more did I need to do??? When he told me that, I couldn't even speak. I sat with my mouth wide open in disbelief. How could he turn out to be such an idiot? Then he had the nerve to go on and talk about how he's not conceited, but he couldn't understand how I couldn't want him because he's Dan*! After I listened to him go on and on we got off the phone and I just stood there and laughed. How do I meet these weirdos?? Why is it that I can't see how weird they are when I first meet them? Anyway, needless to say, I'm a lot more cautious now. It seems, for the past few months, I have to relearn things that I learned a long time ago. I guess I've been sheltered for awhile so I need to be reminded. It's hard being single in the real world. *Dan was not the guy's real name

May 13, 1999

I'm so sorry it's been so long. I haven't had access to a computer since February. So much is going on with me now. I can't really tell you much about it now, but I will let you know in the future. I'm just basically fed up, but I'm kind of stuck in a situation. Anyway, I got a new job! I work at a credit card call center and right now I'm going through training. I really think I'm going to like this. I really wish I could tell you more, but my life is too confusing right now to try and express everything. I just wanted everyone to know I'm still alive. *S* To all of you who emailed me, I'll try to write you back soon.

July 29, 1999

I know I'm really slacking. *S* I have been going through a lot of personal drama that was too private to put on here. I'm still going through some things, but I now have the time to write about some of my opinions. So tell me what you think about this one: Two people get into a relationship and really hit it off and after they've been going out for a month the guy's ex tells him she's three months pregnant. The guy wants her to get an abortion because he wants her out of his life, but the ex refuses. The new couple struggles to keep their relationship going, but the ex keeps interfering and the guy doesn't know what to do because he wants to do the right thing for his child. The couple breaks up for awhile, but they realize they miss each other too much. The guy calls the girl back and they are back together. They get intimate and, after knowing each other for 6 months, the new girl finds out she is also pregnant. The difference is that she told him when she first suspected she might be pregnant and she called him right after taking the test and told him it was positive so he came right over and they talked about the situation. The girl told him she couldn't have an abortion. Actually, the girl told him this when they first met and got on the subject of sex. She said that maybe a couple of years ago she could have gotten an abortion, but her feelings have changed and although she thinks women should have the right to choose what they do with their bodies, her personal choice was to not have an abortion. The guy had a really hard time with this, but he still told her he loved her and that he would be there for her. About a month later, the ex had a baby girl. The guy loved her right away and was so happy. The girl was there for him throughout all of this and he was constantly telling her how much he loved her and how he was actually looking forward to the baby she was having and that she was such a good woman and blah blah blah. Anyway, about 6 weeks later, the ex found out about the girl being pregnant and she tried to keep the guy from seeing his daughter. There was a big fight and the ex was using her daughter to get to the guy so at one point, the guy just got fed up and told the girl that he didn't like her and he didn't want to have anything to do with her or the baby. The girl was heartbroken. She knew the relationship was shaky and she was thinking about ending it herself, but she never guessed that he wouldn't be there for his child. He actually told her he would pay child support, but he didn't want to be around. The funny part about that was they had discussed this a week or two before and he was saying that he would rather be physically there for the child and buy the child the things it would need, but he didn't want to go to court about it. The girl had agreed and told him that she wouldn't ask for child support as long as he was there for his child and giving the child the things it would need. Anyway, the girl was so distraught about her child not having a father that she went home and told her mother everything. The girl was about 3.5 months along at the time and was still living at home so she was going to wait until she moved out with the guy (they had already looked at several apartments) before she told her mother. Her mother was shocked and made the girl tell her father. The father said nothing to the girl and to this day, neither the guy nor the girl's father have talked to the girl. Now the girl is trying to be strong, but since it's been 2 months, she's still having a really hard time understanding why he did this to her and why he hasn't talked to her and she's wondering if he'll even be there for the child. She has found out that the baby is a boy and she called and left him a message informing him because he wanted a son really bad. She still has no idea what he thinks or what he's planning on doing.

In my opinion, I think this is a sad, horrible situation that no woman should have to go through, especially not one who was there for this guy, who was his best friend (according to him), and who he said he loved. Why are people so cruel?

September 3, 2000

I really needed to update, didn't I? :-) I'm sorry. I have been busy, busy, busy, with life in general so I haven't had much time for my old friends, but that doesn't mean they are forgotten. In case you didn't know, I have a son now. His name is Nathaniel (after me) and he was born 11/28/99. He is the best thing to ever happen to me and I thank God everyday that I have him in my life. It has made some things a little more difficult, for example, my finances and having to deal with his father, but that's another story. However, I am making it and I am still making plans to have a big life. :-) I am going to start back at school this fall part-time and, eventually, I will quit my job and go to school full-time so I can get a degree in whatever I decide and I will be happy with my job or my own business and I will be very successful. I'm not going to lie and say I don't let things get me down because if you read my past entries you will know that's not true. :-) I will say that somehow (must be the grace of God) I do get back up and things work out for the best. Anyway, it's about 3:00am right now so I really shouldn't be writing, but something told me I needed to. I will try AGAIN to update more frequently for the people who enjoy reading it. Also, I want to say thank you to everyone who has sent positive messages to me regarding this site, or me in general. And also, thank you to the people who haven't sent messages, but may still be thinking about me. :-)

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Email: natqt@hotmail.com