Natalie's Journal

Friday, May 1, 1998 12:01 AM

Today started out alright. I finished this 10-page final paper for one of my classes and this is the last thing I have to do for this stupid school. I was straight until this evening when I was on my way to a gospel concert and I saw my academic advisor who happens to live in my dorm. I stopped and talked to my advisor and let him know that I was leaving the school. At that point we talked about my grades and I was down for the rest of the evening. The thing that messes with me the most about my grades is that I have so much potential, but I hardly ever use it. I want to do my best which is making all A's, but I never can seem to stay motivated to do this. I have always felt that once I get in the work world everything will be okay, but I have to finish school before I get the job I want. I was laying down and reading my latest issue of VIBE, but I finished and decided to get back on the computer. I'm about to get on the chat line so I can talk to someone. I called my boyfriend earlier, but it wasn't a good conversation. I was feeling really depressed and didn't want to talk about it so he got upset because I always try to make him talk about what is wrong with him. I feel bad because I often don't treat people as well as they treat me. I'm going to have to work on this self-centered attitude of mine.

Saturday, May 2, 1998

I could not wake up today so I didn't do much. Friday night, I didn't get to sleep until 5:30, but I have no idea why I wasn't tired. Anyway, the day was alright and nothing interesting happened except for this guy calling me. He is always trying to talk to me about religion, but he doesn't realize that the way he approaches me is totally off. 5/4-5/8 is finals week. Why is he waiting until now to try to meet up with me? I don't want to be outright rude so I give him all kinds of hints that I don't want to talk to him at all, but he can't take the HINTS!!! He said he's going to call me Sunday night so we can decide on a time so that means I'll have to make another excuse. He makes me so MAD!!!!! Why doesn't he just leave me alone????? At least I'll never have to see or hear from him again after this week. I am so irritated now. I'm going to go somewhere on Sunday so I don't have to answer his call. I suppose that is the wrong way to go about it, but I don't care. I'm tired of trying to do things the right way. When I go home, I'll be alright. I'm sorry that this was not a happy day, but maybe Sunday will be better.

Sunday, May 3, 1998

It was nice because my roommate and I got along alright today. I sometimes get in bad moods and overreact about some things, but I am not necessarily saying that I did overreact yesterday. It was a slightly better day than Saturday. We had a "Soul Food" dinner at our dorm and it was so good! I made the candied yams, and they were pretty good if I say so myself. We also watched the movie, "Soul Food." It was my 3rd time seeing it and I really enjoyed it. I recommend it for everyone because it makes you really think about the value of family. There is a group of girls who live in the same corridor as me and my two good friends here. We used to get along and we were all friends at the beginning, but many incidents contributed to our falling out. Anyway, they usually have something smart to say, but, surprisingly, this time they didn't. We actually acted civilized. It just seemed like we didn't know each other. I prefer that to acting like enemies. I'll write more tomorrow.

Thursday, May 14, 1998

I know it's been a long time, but I've been sssoooo busy! I just got back from school and last week was finals week so I haven't been able to get on here much. I am so happy to be done with that school. I don't have to deal with those same people anymore and I am so relieved! My room, however, is a total mess! I have to finish packing and clean up. My parents are making me clean my room before I can spend the night at my friend's this weekend. Cna you believe it?? I will be 20 in less than 6 months and I still feel like I have no control! At first, my mother said it was fine for me to go because there is this big event on campus and I wouldn't be able to use her car because there will be NO parking spaces. Anyway, she changed her mind and said she didn't like the idea of me staying out all night even though she knows I do that when I'm at school!! I was so upset and I couldn't say anything because I knew I would blow up so, of course I took it out on Jevon later. Anyway, she ended up talking to my dad about it and he said he didn't see anything wrong with it since I do it at school anyway. I was very relieved, but very surprised because when I was in high school, he was always the one to say my curfew was too late, but I guess it was easier for him than it was for my mother to realize that I am an adult and I can take care of myself as well as take responsibility for my own actions. Anyway, if my mom had realized that, I wouldn't have to be cleaning my room because she really doesn't care how it looks as long as I keep the door closed, but my dad is pretty much a perfectionist. Oh well, I'm happy anyway.

Sunday, May 24, 1998

I'm FINALLY able to get on here and do something!! I have a job for the summer working 37-1/2 hours a week and when I get home I'm tired because I don't go to bed on time, but I can't do anything with my page because I can't stay up real late or I won't be able to get up for work in the morning! Right now I'm working at the regional office for a fast food restaurant and am taking care of customer service. You wouldn't believe some of the calls we get!! And these stupid toys!! Why are so many people obsessed with those things?? People are calling me acting all frantic because the restaurants are selling them too fast. So??!!?? Some people are also very rude about other things. For example, this one man actually stressed me out so bad I had to go crying in the bathroom. He was upset because one restaurant employee called him a "crazy white man." Now I understand that it was very rude to do that, but he was saying it caused him so much stress that he was going to sue the company! What about me? I have been called a n*gger, a f***ing b*st*rd, and a black b*tch, but I knew that sueing those people wouldn't erase their racism! It's not like it was job discrimination, or he wasn't allowed to drink at a certain drinking fountain. He wasn't even called a h*nky. That would have been really derogatory. Maybe I am insensitive, but I did feel sorry for him until he started calling and asking for me by name then yelling at me like I could do something about it. I contacted the people I was supposed to contact and they were supposed to contact him after that. I wanted to sue his butt for harrassment!! I am so nice to these people that call in complaining and screaming at me, but some of them don't even acknowledge that! Normally, I have a bad temper when people act that way towards me, but I know that they feel bad at the time and I should make them feel better and more comfortable with their situations so I try my best to do that, but people like that other man make it so hard. I don't think he even knew I was black. The only reason I say that is because 1.)You sometimes can't tell by my phone voice. 2.)If he had asked me I would have told him about those names I was called and how in two of the situations, they were threatening to kill me. Let that happen to him! Then he would really feel bad about his emotional state! I understand that it isn't right to call a customer crazy and that the employee shouldn't have done that, but he could have been called a lot worse and that wasn't half as racist as it could have been. He needs to think about his situation a little bit more thoroughly. I wonder if he ever considered the fact that the girl who did this may have never had good experiences with white men. Maybe all the white men she's met in her life have been crazy. Even though this man says he's not racist in any way, maybe the only attitude other white men have shown her was racist. Those thoughts probably never crossed his mind. This may have even been the girl's first job and she may not know how to control her attitude or anger. Not everyone has someone they can look up to that can tell them the proper way to act in the workplace. Even some people who do know how to act may not be physically able to control their tempers. I was just really bothered by this ignorant man and the fact that he kept calling and asking for me personally. I'm really uncomfortable about the fact that he knows my name. I know for sure that I never want to meet him. However, if I do happen to meet him after I am done with this job, I wouldn't mind telling him a thing or two. Well, I'm done for now. I just had to let that out. If anyone has any comments, PLEASE let me know. Either leave it in my guestbook or email me at natqt@hotmail.com Thanks!! Natalie

Friday, July 10, 1998

What am I supposed to write? I'm unwilling to share much at this time, but I felt guilty for leaving this for so long. I'm still trying to get my stupid frames to work and I get one step closer each time, but then I get frustrated and give up. Today was my last day at that job and I am so happy. The crazy white man I talked about before ended up calling back and he got something you wouldn't believe! Except, I'm not allowed to tell because of legal reasons. I've heard so many people threaten the company with frivolous lawsuits, it's ridiculous. One woman said she was going to get a letter from her lawyer that she could take to any of our restaurants so that she would be guaranteed an undercooked food item! Anyway, I can't write many more of my thoughts today because the rest include personal issues that I haven't yet discussed with the other parties and I don't really look forward to it. I hate not knowing what's the right thing to do, but someone told me that I will know what's right and wrong by what my heart tells me. I hope that works.

Sunday, July 12, 1998

Two questions: 1. Why the heck would Brandy want to get with Mase? If she's so sweet and innocent, why would she try to be in a relationship with someone who probably only wants one thing from her. Wasn't she basically begging for Kobe to take her out again anyway? That's how it seemed to me when I saw it in Vibe, Sister 2 Sister, and on an MTV interview. Which brings up another question: Should I cancel my subscription to Sister 2 Sister? They are JUST NOW adding a Letters to the Editor section, they hardly have any worthwhile stories that will really be helpful to it's readers, and the price is just too high for the content. Why did I get it in the first place without really paying attention. I guess it was because I was away at school and wanted to see some mail addressed to me every once in a while. I'm writing to the editor and then I will probably cancel if I can get my money back. I can watch TV and hear, without paying, all the gossip the magazine gives each month. Anyway, question number two is: Why do people insist on being angry with me and not telling me anything. If I'm falling asleep on the phone, talking in my sleep and not making any sense, why wouldn't you hang up on me??? Why sit on the phone and get angrier even though I've said several times that I NEED TO GET OFF BECAUSE I'M TIRED!!!!!! %#$%!!! Then those same people wonder why I don't want to be around them as much anymore. Those same people wonder why I'm the only one that feels we are arguing too much. I can't take that much daggone stress. I used to like arguing, but some people had to go and take all the fun out of it. Now I'm all upset and I have to go eat some chocolate. I'm having a hard time figuring out if that's good or bad.

Tuesday, July 14, 1998

I haven't talked to a certain somebody since Saturday. I don't know what to do. I don't want to call because I know we'll just get in another big argument, but I don't want him to feel like I don't want to talk to him anymore. He doesn't understand me anymore, and I don't understand him, it seems. The idea I had was if we were to spend some time apart, then we would come back with a whole new perspective and things would be better, but it doesn't seem to be working that way. We seem to be growing even further apart and I don't know the solution to that. Anyway, that Sprite commercial with the Sun Fizz is so funny! I just thought I'd add that so I could smile (maybe it made one of you smile?). I hadn't seen it in a long time and when I saw it again I laughed so hard because it seemed like an idea I would have come up with. Anyway, the only reason I'm writing today is because I emailed all of you who signed my guestbook and told you I updated. Not that this is the only part that got updated, but it's supposed to be, "My most frequently updated feature," so I thought I would try to stick by that. Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you about Saturday! I know you saw the thing about me hating bugs and now I hate them even more. I was sitting on our back porch, minding my own business, and I just happened to think about bees. All of a sudden, a HUGE black bee landed on my shoulder! I'm usually not scared of bees and if any bug lands on me, it moves if I simply get up, but not this one. I stood up and it would not get off of me! I didn't want to brush it off because I was afraid I might get stung, so I jumped up and down. My mother happened to be sitting beside me so I screamed for her to get it off, but before I could get close enough to her, I panicked and ran. I was running through the backyard screaming for my mother to get it off of me, but she was still on the porch and didn't even realize what I was talking about since I had moved so fast! Finally, I ran back on the porch, but I still didn't stop long enough and she still didn't have time to get it off so I was back in the yard again. At this point, the neighbors across the way, were coming out of their houses and looking out of the windows to see what was going on. While I was in the yard still screaming with this bee on my shoulder, my mother started laughing at me. At that point, I turned around to see the people and to realize how ridiculous this was, so I ran back up and she finally brushed it off. I then, ran inside and sat down, hyperventilating and trying to drink some water. My dad had even come up from the basement to see why I was making so much noise. Needless to say, I was paranoid for the rest of the day and I thought every bug out there was coming after me. I can't believe that happened, but I'm glad it's over! From now on, I'm not sitting by any more flowers, unless I know that there won't be any big black bees.

Thursday, July 16, 1998

To all of you who responded that my journal is bull***t and I should get rid of it, all I have to say is, "So what." This is something I want to do and it is part of what makes me and my website unique. It's funny that you can leave those negative things in an anonymous survey, but when I looked in my guestbook, I didn't see that any new people have signed it to give me constructive criticism. Hmmm... That's pretty funny to me. Maybe I shouldn't have even put the negative response on my little quiz thing because all it did was make me mad that 82% of the respondents chose that particular one. Ever since I put this journal in, nobody has voluntarily given me a negative response, but I guess people would rather remain anonymous instead of telling me what, exactly, they think is wrong. It's not that I can't take criticism, but I can't stand when somebody either says something mean about me without really knowing me, or when someone decides to tell me what I'm doing wrong without giving me any suggestions for improvement. You know, when I first added this journal, I put the little thing at the bottom to sign my guestbook and that did include negative responses, but out of all the people that visited my page since then, nobody said anything bad about it until now. People will always be mysterious. There is no sure way to figure out what a person will do next.

Wednesday, August 5, 1998

Why is it that nobody wants to let me do what I want to do? Why is it that I feel like I'm living in a cage with no control over my life? Why am I getting myself all worked up and upset about these things that my stomach is hurting? All I'm asking for is to be able to make my own decisions! Why the hell can't I throw something when I want to? Why can't I scream if I want? Why do I have to hold my anger in? I can't talk to my parents about it (they're the ones I'm mad at in case you haven't guessed) because they keep giving me the same argument and going in circles with me ending up being the one who is wrong. All that does is make me more frustrated! First of all, don't they see I have no way of letting go of this anger? Maybe I'm dealing with it wrong, but what else can I do? I can't take a walk because the majority of the time they make me mad, is dark outside and I don't walk in the dark. Maybe I should pray about it, but I never can seem to do it when I first get angry and I don't know why. Plus, I have to work on building my relationship with God back up because when I was at school I got involved with these religious fanatics who tried to push all their beliefs on me and who had a reason why every little thing I did was wrong. Now, I don't have a problem with someone expressing their opinions every so often, but they basically tried to tell me that everything I believed up until that point was wrong and when I wanted proof they showed me a Bible verse that I interpreted totally different than what they thought. What am I supposed to do about that? They told me I'm not supposed to pray in my head, I have to do it out loud, but they even talked about a verse that said something about not going out and yelling your prayers on the corner or something like that. They didn't even give me a chance. I wasn't allowed to know why what I did was wrong. If God is the only one I can talk to silently, the only one who can read my mind, why can't I talk to God that way? Why do I have to do exactly what they do? Why do I have to go to hell for every little thing I do wrong? Why am I not supposed to make mistakes if I'm saved? You know, they actually made it seem that way, but one of them turned around and said that you're still going to make mistakes when your saved. Why do they think they know exactly what's right? Why do they think the way they interpret the Bible is the only way things are supposed to go? Even with that, some of them don't totally agree, but yet they want to tell others that they know exactly what's right. I know I went into a whole different subject, but I suppose these things have been bothering me for awhile and I needed to finally let it out. Of course I still pray and I will never stop believing in God, but why can't those people just leave me alone and let me go on my own religious journey and find out what's right with me? Hopefully I didn't offend anyone, but these are my true feelings. Also, I don't mind if people say "God bless you," or "Have a blessed day," because that's nice, but I really can't stand anyone telling me how to live my life. Non-offensive suggestions have always been appreciated by me, but if you know I'm sensitive about something don't just jump up and tell me why that I'm wrong and expect me to be accepting.

Monday, August 31, 1998

Since everyone is pointing out the fact that I haven't up-dated this in a while, I might as well do it. Right now I have some kind of sad feeling or something. I have no idea what is wrong with me, actually, I probably do, but I just don't feel like figuring it out. Anyway, I used to hate myself in 4th and 5th grade and I've never really trusted guys since then. I used to think I was so ugly, actually, I still think I was ugly back then, plus I was fat and the boys always called me names. They didn't really call me "White Girl" until 5th grade which was about the same time I started realizing the differences between black and white people. From that time, until about 2 years ago, I've always been trying to prove myself as being "Black". I look at it now and realize how stupid it was. Why couldn't I just be ME? But, then again, it wasn't that bad. If I hadn't tried proving myself, I probably would have never been truly aware of who and what I really am. I think the experience probably made me smarter. Anyway, I'm tired of that subject. I'm not good at writing people. That's just to let everyone know that just because I don't write you back doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means that I'm forgetful, even with things that really catch my attention. I do appreciate all the positive responses I have received since the time I was so upset about the negative responses. It really makes me happy that a lot of people like to hear about me because I love to talk about me. *S* Well, I think I'm just about done for today. One reason I don't write in here too often is because so many things that go on with me involve other people. Although I am ashamed to say it I can't put my feelings on here about someone else if I haven't yet told them how I feel. I feel bad when I think about it because I don't like other people hiding things from me, but I do have a hard time expressing my emotions, sometimes. One of my main problems is that I hate to hurt other people's feelings. For some reason, it is often easy for me to feel the pain of other's. Some people might look at me and think I have no reason to be sad or angry because I am not going through what some other person is going through, but I sometimes can't help feeling for them and putting myself in the same situation. This is especially true when I know the other person's personality really well. If I know how he/she takes pain and I am very close to him/her, it is really hard for me to hurt that person. I don't feel this is an unusual trait, but I do feel that there are many people who block this trait because they don't want to feel guilty about what they do. However, I can hardly ever seem to block it, therefore, causing problems when there is something I need to do that will end up hurting the person. Will I always be like this, or will I, one day, be able to just tell everyone how I really think and feel and not look back doing it? It seems like such a mystery.

September 7, 1998

Here I am again. I think I'm doing pretty good. *S* Anyway, I am, hopefully, about to embark on a new adventure and add another chapter to my life. I may be finally moving out for good. I am excited, but I do feel a little sad because I'm getting along with my parents right now. It would be different if I was about to leave on bad terms, but right now everything is going good. Actually, it's probably better this way because I may be able to get some extra help moving my stuff out. One thing I just found out that upsets me is that I'll probably have to pay a big extra chunk of money if I want a cat. I thought I would finally get the chance to have a constant feline companion who would love me and make me feel better during those lonely nights, but I may not be able to afford it. Oh well, I'll survive. Besides, I'm moving in with my cousin so I know we'll always be there for each other. Anyway, I really wanted to talk about relationships and how much I hate them (another reason for having a cat). Actually, they're not all bad all the time, but it can be so stressful and frustrating to be in one. I'm not even just talking about a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I'm talking about all of them, the ones that are established and have meaning, as well as the ones where people are pressuring you to define them. Sometimes I wish I could clone myself because I know just what I want and I wouldn't make myself upset as much as other people do. Another thing is, I would also never cheat on myself and I would always be truthful. Of course, I'll probably end up being bored so there's no point in that one. It's just that I hate trying to figure out if someone is right for me. I know that I could be in a relationship just for fun and it doesn't have to be the right one for me, but not everyone thinks of fun the same way I do. I'm not willing to just find someone for sex because I want love, happiness, companionship, and definitely respect. I don't want to be treated as an object or just someone to be around for fun. A lot of people thought I was dingy (not din` jee as in dirty, but din` ghee as in dumb) anyway, I mean half-witted. If you think I'm intelligent, you're probably wondering why people would think such things! *S* I'm still not sure why I came across as being common sense-dumb, but I think it was mainly the way I expressed myself. I have had a problem with saying exactly what I mean because I would think it sounded stupid. Also, I used to smile or laugh in uncomfortable situations because I just wouldn't know what to say. Sometimes I think of so many things at once that I tend to either not express any of it, or express that which is most easily expressed. Now that I look back on those uncomfortable adolescent days I realize that a lot of the people who thought I was dumb were actually ignorant themselves. They were stupid enough to assume I was a certain way instead of getting to know me and actually finding out that just because someone is nice or doesn't act like everyone else, it doesn't mean they lack common sense, it may mean they are a lot more intelligent than everyone else.

September 9, 1998

If I ever write a book, my first acknowledgement will be to God and my second to my mother. At times I forget how valuable the two of them are. It's funny that in the last two days, I have greatly realized and appreciated the value of both of them more than I usually do. I thought about this after having a long discussion with my mother. We used to have talks like these all the time when I was a senior in high school and when I went away to college we had long discussions via email, but since I've been home from college, we haven't talked nearly as much as we used to. Anyway, I really enjoyed our conversation because she has a way of talking a lot of sense into me when I listen. *S* Too bad I'm so busy being stubborn most of the time that I dont' listen to her, but I am steadily trying to improve that. Anyway, my mother made me realize how hard it is to get everything I want right now. I really thought I was going to be able to have an apartment and a car soon! I didn't realize that even if I did get a used car, I still wouldn't be able to afford to do anything but work and pay rent and I would only be able to go to school if my job had tuition reimbursement. Anyway, I think I am going to get a full-time job right now, keep my current job, but reduce my hours to maybe just Saturdays or two nights a week, go to school part-time, taking some evening classes, and still move in with my cousin as soon as I get the new job. The big disappointment is that I won't be able to have a cat because I definitely can't afford one. :-( Well, I can always come home and visit my Sandy anytime. *S* I'm really tired since it's about 3:00am so I'm going to get some sleep and I may write again tomorrow. One more thing, I'm reading this wonderful wonderful book by Iyanla Vanzant. Part of the title is In the Meanwhile. I can't remember the rest of the title and if I go find the book, I won't feel like coming back to write the title in so I will post it somewhere when I wake up. Sleep tight everyone! *L*

September 10, 1998

I will always always always value and be extremely grateful for true friendships. Oftentimes people don't realize how wonderful a blessing having friends is. I hope my friends are reading this and I hope you guys know how much I love you. {{{{{{HUGZ}}}}}} Everytime I remember my friends from my first year in college I shed a tear or two. They were so wonderful to me and were there for me through my stages of depression and being unsure about my relationship and while I was having troubles with school and the stupid heifers that lived in our hall. Janean, Danielle, and Shawnell I hope you see this and know how grateful I am and always will be that you all were there for me. I'm all emotional right now because I just got off the phone with Janean and she told me how they had a moment of silence for me. *S* I was so touched! I'm going to go visit them soon. They are the only reasons I had doubts and that I know have some regrets about leaving that stupid school. If I thought I could have done well there, or if I had maybe believed in myself a little more, I would have gotten over hating that stupid school and would have been satisfied that I had you all there with me. Meeting you was the only good thing that came out of being at that school. I did make some other friends there and I'm also grateful for them, but my closest ones are Shawnell, Janean and Danielle. Look, I mentioned your names two times!! You all are famous now!! *L* Anyway, I'm starting to sound silly (I've probably been sounding silly since the beginning *S*) so I will go ahead and go to sleep, but I had to give a little tribute to my girls. I promise I'll come visit as soon as I can request a weekend off! *S* Here's another cyberhug to make you feel better {{{{{HHHHHUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGG}}}}}!!!!!!!!!

September 16, 1998

I'm in a bad mood right now so this is not going to be very nice. I mostly feel like running down the list of things I hate so I will. First of all, I hate being disrespected, especially by people who don't know me. If you are only seeing one example of my personality and you don't like it, then I think you should come to me first, instead of disrespecting me. I also cannot stand to see people disrespect themselves. An example that has just recently bothered me is the song by Xscape ("Little Secret or something like that"). Now I've heard many songs where people show how little they value themselves, but this one almost takes the cake. The sad thing is, the song would be really good if all the words were different. Why would you want to keep messing around with a guy who claims someone else as his girlfriend, who cheats on his girlfriend, who doesn't tell anyone about you while all this time you are his second choice and you think he loves you? Most likely, if it comes down to him having to choose, he will pick his girlfriend, but if he does pick the other girl, it's almost guaranteed that he will cheat on her also. Another thing, that stupid magazine, Sister2Sister, claims that one of the members of Xscape is an evangelist and, according to the editor, they only report the truth. Now, if that is the case, why would an evangelist be involved in a song that glorifies infidelity? She could have chosen not to be in the video, and/or not sing the song with the rest of the group, but she is apparently more concerned with how the group would look if a member is missing than conflicting her religious beliefs. They are all stupid if you ask me. I also can't stand a person who can't take a hint. I was discussing this with my mother last night and she made me realize that I can't get mad at someone because they don't read my signs because I don't come right out and tell them what's on my mind. However, if I come out and say that they get on my nerves and I never want them to call me again I might hurt their feelings. Actually, I think my hints worked this time because my ex who kept calling me and asking me out and asking if I need a ride home from work, has finally stopped. Maybe my biggest issue with people not being able to take hints is the fact that I have always been very perceptive of the way people act toward me and I'm really good at taking hints so maybe I expect everyone else to be this way. Another thing I can't stand is people who disrespect my friends. For example, awhile back I was with my boyfriend at my friend's house and her "friend" came by. He's not her boyfriend because she doesn't want a serious relationship right now. Anyway, she went into another room and was cleaning something while my boyfriend, the other guy, and I were watching t.v. I thought he seemed cool at first, but every time I looked up, he was looking at me! My boyfriend also noticed that. Now why does this guy feel that he needs to disrespect, me, my boyfriend, and my friend in her house? I just don't understand it. I don't stare at my friends' boyfriends, my friends don't stare at my boyfriends (actually, one did, but she's no longer my friend anyway so it doesn't matter. More on that later), and my boyfriend doesn't stare at my friends. I don't care how attractive the person is, it is just plain wrong to stare at someone else's mate when the other person is around. Now, if the person is so attractive that you must stare, make sure that you are in a situation where nobody will be uncomfortable. Of course there are those rude people who don't even care if they are staring at their bestfriend's significant other. To those people, I hope they get exactly what they give and are made to feel just that uncomfortable, if not more. Anyway, distractions have caused me not to be as ill-tempered as I was earlier so I am going to tend to what I need to do and I will add another entry soon. Thanks for reading. *S*

September 18, 1998

I'm frustrated and tired. I'm not sleepy tired, but I'm emotionally tired. I'm tired of people and their expectations of me. I just discovered that not only do I want a break from my current relationship, I don't want to be in one period. So why do people seem to think I would want that just because they do? I don't even want to go out and have a good time with other people (guys). I just want to be by myself, or with some friends who aren't trying to get with me. *s* I know it's mostly about sex. I know most of these guys I meet in the mall don't give a d@mn about my personality, they just want to see if they can get a chance to get me in bed. I don't want to be in their beds. One summer I stayed with my aunt in Chicago and someone gave her an 8 week-old kitten and he automatically became mine. My aunt named him Bentley because of his bent tail. He followed me around all the time and never argued with me. He was happy as long as he was fed, petted, and had his litterbox changed. I used to sleep on my side and he would be beside me when I first got to bed because I would move so much, but once I was in a deep sleep he would climb up and balance himself on my hip and that's how we would both wake up. The nice thing about it was he was always there for me, didn't expect much out of me, and he never hurt me. When it was time for me to go home, my uncle didn't want him and my dad wouldn't let me bring him back so my aunt gave him to some friends who I know took really good care of him, but I was devastated. Anyway, right now, I would rather have a cat than a boyfriend, but it's not really possible. Yes, I do have a cat in my parents' house, but she isn't that close to me because she's lived with me since I was six and I used to irritate her. *S* She never comes in my room anyway, so how much comfort could she give me? Anyway, I can't bring a cat here because the two of them wouldn't get along, but I can't afford to have one when I move out. Anyway, I'm tired of writing this. I'm too tired to even really add anything new to my page. I don't even feel like looking for new things and trying to figure them out. Oh well.

September 24, 1998

I know it's wrong to hate people, but sometimes I feel like hating everyone. Like idiots who can't spell then have the nerve to talk about me. Some people just deserve to be cussed out, but we can't always just do that can we? Anyway, I think about the stupid girls I met last year in school who turned out to be the most fake, two-faced, ignorant, self-centered people I have ever met. They even wrote a stupid letter that I will put on here as soon as I find it. I can't believe how many people can be so stupid in this stupid world. Idiots. You can hardly trust anyone anymore, it's a shame. What's the point of me even writing this? Even if those same stupid people see it they are still going to be stupid. I have no respect for any of them and I don't give a d@mn whether or not they care. As a matter of fact, I don't give a d@mn about any of them. Why am I wasting space on them? I guess I did that just so I could realize that they are not worth the first two letters in this entry so I will stop now and come back when I am in a better mood.

October 5, 1998

Why, why, why? What is the point of me saying anything anymore? I never get the right response or the situation totally turns around. What is there left to do? Why should anyone take me seriously? Why should they believe in me? Why should I keep adding entries to this journal? Why don't I just lay in bed and rot away? Why should I bother even trying to make decisions anymore? When is the last time I've made a right one? One that worked and that I'm happy about now? What is my joy in life? Who really cares?

November 10, 1998

Many people have commented on my last entry and the fact that I haven't updated my page in awhile. I have actually been busy enough where I have a life outside of the computer. *S* I was surprised too. I actually went back to writing in my physical journal because I've been thinking about things that are way too personal to share with anyone besides the people involved. I have done a lot since my last update. First of all, I got a car. I was really excited because I needed it. The bus was getting pretty scary when a man who lives down the street from me was sitting beside me talking to himself and then told me not to let the dogs get me when I got off the bus. Anyway, I also was just uncomfortable being outside by myself when it was dark. It's funny that someone decided to break into my car two weeks ago. The important lesson I learned from that was never to put any bags (even if it's clothes from the gym) or anything else valuable in the backseat. I usually do put my things in the trunk, but I wasn't thinking that night. The other big thing is that I decided to go back to my old school. I went to visit my friends there the weekend before my last entry. (I think part of the reason I was so down was because I had had such a nice time and I had to come back to my annoying life here.) Anyway, I talked to my adviser and found out that I just had to fill out a little application and I could get right back in. So that's what I did and they sent my acceptance on my birthday. *S* I'm very happy about it. It's funny that I hated it so much just a few months ago, but I know that it was mostly my fault. If I had stayed motivated and hadn't let everything get me down I would have done a lot better. Anyway, once I get there I'll update you on how I'm doing. There are still some things in my life that need to be cleared up before I write about them so I am done for now.

November 16, 1998

I had a very interesting weekend. I realized that I have a really bad temper and I need to stop taking it out on whoever is around me. I did get to have some fun with some of my friends, but another one cussed me out. We were all going to this formal thing and I had to bring my friend (Let's call her Jane) her cousin's dress from home. I was supposed to call her once I got down into town, but I forgot. She was all upset because she didn't know if the dress was going to fit (of course it would fit if she could fit all of her cousin's other clothes) and she was mad because she wanted to be there on time since they were serving food. It would have been nice if she had told me because I didn't know it was one of those things you were supposed to be at exactly when it started. Anyway, I tried several times to get ahold of her and she had left this message on her voice mail telling me to call her other friends. When I finally got ahold of one of them she had the nerve to have an attitude with me because "Jane" had to use her own money to buy my ticket and someone else had to give her money to get some shoes. So?? I sent her a check EXPRESS MAIL for $50 to cover 4 tickets. She got the check on Thursday, but didn't even try to cash it until Friday and then she couldn't because she doesn't have a bank account down there and couldn't find somewhere else to cash a personal check. Whose fault was that? Anyway, I finally come with her dress and she's yelling at me! I should have thrown the stupid thing in the middle of the street and run over it a couple of times so she would have a good reason to yell. Anyway, it was about 9:45 (the thing started at 9:00) and I had thought she would just put on the dress and we could go, but I was wrong. This girl hadn't done her hair or anything else. She took another hour to get ready. By this time I had remembered that I was parked illegally so I went to move my car. When I came back Shawnell tells me she doesn't want to go because "Jane" had lost one of the tickets so she gave Shawnell hers and said that she and her date would just go out to eat. Shawnell didn't know what to do because I was the one who was driving and she didn't know if I still wanted to go or not so she just decided to take the ticket and ask me what I wanted to do. While she's on her way to the elevator one of "Jane's" friends says something about Shawnell being ungrateful and that "Jane" shouldn't have given her the ticket. When she told me this I was really pissed off so we went right back and gave "Jane" her little stupid ticket and we left. That, to me, was a bunch of ****. How the hell is she going to sit up here and cuss me out and yell at me (she actually called my hotel room yelling in my ear and don't think I didn't put her in her place for it) about her stupid little dress and then lose the damn ticket!!??!!! After all of that she loses the ticket! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so wrong for forgetting your dress, I deserved to be cussed out, but go ahead and lose the ticket. No problem. I have absolutely nothing to say to her. I ran all over this city for her before I could even start on my way out of town and when I got there I got all dressed up, tried my hardest so my hairdo wouldn't look homemade, wasted all kinds of money and got cussed out and yelled at just to go to this thing that she kept telling me I had to go to and I didn't even get to go because she loses a ticket. Because she waits until the last minute to do things. And then her stupid friend had the nerve to have an attitude with me like it was all my fault. All of them can ____ __ ___.

December 7, 1998

Well, I'm back without too much to say. The things I've been going through lately are much too complicated to explain, plus, they involve other people and I don't need to put their business out here. Anyway, I have come to a point in my life where I'm finally thinking about moving away from home. I've been wanting to move out of my house for awhile, but I'm talking about going out of town now. I want to try Chicago or Atlanta, but I'm not sure yet. What I would like to do right now is change my phone number because people keep calling me and I don't want to talk to them. I wish I would stop giving hints and just come right out and tell them I don't want to talk to them anymore. It wouldn't be so bad if all they wanted was my friendship, but I keep meeting these guys who want relationships. LEAVE ME ALONE!! If I want a relationship with you I will tell you, but otherwise quit trying to pressure me. I'm still young. I've gone through too many bad relationships to want to try it again. Especially meeting the person's family. For some reason, that makes me so uncomfortable. I guess it's because I'm shy, but I also think about the fact that they won't accept me. Anyway, I have to go. Sorry I haven't done much with my site lately, but I never have the time. Perhaps I will again someday.