Men--Why Do We Keep Them Around?
Women's quote of the day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's counter quote of the day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating
to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour
and vinegary and give you a headache."
******************
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
("Yes" was his reply)
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
******************
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely
informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty
to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door
of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The
bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,
refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a
moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender
comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is
clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the
police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
******************
Things you will never hear your girlfriend or wife say.....
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again - come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself
new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's
sake,
you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a
few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip
joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire
and
get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
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